There are several people each week that contact us through our blog and ask us how to avoid having an affair. Some are newly married and don’t want make the same mistake I did. Some are on the verge of crossing some boundaries that they promised their spouse they would never cross. No matter where you are in your marriage today…these five things we believe will serve to affair-proof your marriage.

1.     Pursue God

I’ve never talked to anyone who has cheated on their spouse who has told me that their relationship with God was healthy when they had an affair. The truth is that your marriage will not be perfect. You will have problems. You will face temptation. But if you are pursuing God; His Word; His truth and allowing Him to form you and shape you, that is the best thing you can do to affair-proof your marriage.

2.     Pursue Your Spouse

It is hard to fall out of love with someone you are pursuing. It is difficult to lose interest in someone that you are prioritizing. Other people don’t look so attractive when you are setting aside time to pursue and date your spouse. Most couples lose interest in one another because they fail to spend time with one another. Sitting next to each other at your kid’s soccer game or a band concert doesn’t count. Date your spouse. Buy her flowers. Put perfume on before he gets home from work. Go out on a date that isn’t the movies. Talk. Laugh. Pursue.

3.     Don’t Fantasize About Someone Else

All sin starts in our mind. I’ve never heard anyone say, “I never thought about that, it just happened.” All sin starts as a thought. The Bible calls it temptation. Temptation is normal. Temptation is common. Temptation is something that you are guaranteed to face. Jesus experienced temptation. Temptation becomes sinful when it moves to fantasy. When you begin to fantasize about someone other than your spouse, you have already broken intimacy in your heart and mind with your husband or wife. It is why the Bible says to guard our hearts. It’s why the Bible says that what ever is pure and lovely and true…to think on those things. Affairs always start in our mind.

4.     Share Your Secrets

Every time we withhold truth from our spouse we create distance in our marriage. Oneness is how the Bible describes our marriage relationship. Secrets have no part of oneness. Secrets break oneness. The word intimacy means, “to be fully known.” When we don’t allow our spouse to fully know us, we compromise intimacy. I am not saying that keeping secrets from your spouse will cause you to have an affair. I am saying that not keeping secrets from your spouse will prevent you from having an affair. It is hard to for sin to grow in light. It is hard for deceit to grow in the context of authentic truth.

5.     Have Sex

Physical intimacy is a gift from God. It will not solve all of your marriage problems. But if you are committed to pursuing God; pursuing your spouse; keeping your mind and heart pure; sexual intimacy will strengthen the oneness in your relationship like nothing else can. Our culture uses sex to sell for a reason…it is a powerful force in our lives. It can and should be a powerful force in our marriages as well. (Guys, you can print this off and show it to your wife, after you’ve done #1 & #2 )

These are our five, what would you add to the list?

I had breakfast this summer with a good friend. His marriage was in trouble. For thirty minutes he told me how bad things were. He and his wife had grown apart. He listed all of the things that she did that drove him nuts. He deserved more than what she was giving. She didn’t appreciate him; she didn’t respect him; she didn’t understand him. The list went on and on.

It was a hard conversation because I felt like I was talking to myself five years ago. All I could see at the time Trisha and I separated were the things that drove me crazy and frustrated me.

I had nothing to say to my friend to make this better. I just prayed that God would give me wisdom and would allow me to say something that would overcome the resentment that had built over the years.

I said to him, “Wow, it is pretty obvious what you don’t love about your wife. What do you love about her? What made you fall in love with her? What caused you to lay awake at night dreaming about the day you would wake up next to her?”

Long. Pause.

Tears started streaming down his face. He said to me, “I haven’t thought about that in a long, long time.” I said, “Why don’t you think about it right now.” He began to share with me what he loved about his wife. He began to talk about a person that he fell in love with. He began to remember why wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. I said to him, “Do those things still live in her? Does she still possess those qualities?” “Yes. I just don’t see them.”

The longer we are in a relationship, the easier it is to see all the things that irritate us. The more familiar we are with someone’s weaknesses, the more prone we are to focus on those weaknesses and become resentful.

What do you love about your husband? I know he leaves his underwear on the floor next to the hamper. I know he comes home later than what he promised. I know he doesn’t help out with the kids, as much as you want him to…I know all of that. But what do you love about him? Do you love his laugh? Do you love his smile? Do you love how hard he works? Do you love that he gets your quirky sense of humor? What do you love about him?

What do you love about your wife? I know she overreacts. I know she uses a tone of voice with you that drives you nuts. I know she holds grudges and throws up your mistakes from the past. I know all of that…but what do you love about her? Do you love her eyes? Do you love her integrity? Do you love her loyalty? Do you love waking up to her every single morning? What do you love about her?

Maybe the issues you face in your relationship with your spouse are more a matter of your perspective than anything else. What if you led with love and not with your frustrations?

Do you struggle with only seeing what bugs you verses what you love?

On this day, 15 years ago, Trisha said “I Do.” Those of you that are a part of our community know that we almost didn’t make it to year number 11…so to be at year 15 is pure grace.

The picture above is from our honeymoon. I know I look drunk, but I wasn’t. What I see in that picture is promise, potential, dreams, expectation. It is amazing how life, and busyness and work and kids and ministry can cause those things to fade over time.

The thing I’m most thankful for on our 15th wedding anniversary is when I look at the picture below, I see promise, potential, dreams and giddy expectation. God is a God of restoration.

If you are in a place where hope is fading in your marriage; the road seems long; the promise of what could be has been wrecked by the reality of what is…don’t give up. Hang in there. If God can bring Trisha and I to year 15, he can do anything.

Happy Anniversary to the most loving, grace-filled, sexiest woman alive. I can’t wait to experience the next 15 years of grace with you.

I have had several conversations with women, regardless if they have been married 2 or 20 years, and most question the role sexual intimacy should play in their marriage. We know that men think about sex every 7 seconds, but do we really know why? Women (especially those who grew-up in the church) were taught not to talk about sex or have sex because God said so…end of story. Women hear of men struggling with pornography, lust, masturbation and affairs but most of us are ill equipped to know how to respond and so….

I am guest posting for my friend Jenny so jump over to her blog to READ MORE OF THIS POST.