On Tuesday, Trisha and I had the opportunity to speak at the Velocity Conference in Atlanta. (Thank you guys so much for your prayers and your words of encouragement.) We spoke to about 800 church leaders. It was an out of body experience. Three years ago, we lived in Indianapolis, not sure if God would open a door to return to ministry, and on Tuesday, spoke to ministry leaders. Only God.

In the introduction of our message, I shared that this June marks the 10 year anniversary of Trisha and I starting Genesis Church. Ten years ago we sold everything we owned. Ten years ago we moved to a community where we knew four people. Ten years ago we leveraged everything for a vision that God had laid on our heart. God started to bless our young church…in some incredible ways.

Then, three years into our dream, I chose to have an affair, and not only gave up my part of that vision, but cost my wife and so many dear friends their part of that vision too.

After we spoke, I was surprised at the most common question I was asked. “Do you regret your decision? If you could go back and undo your choice, would you?”

Unexpectedly, a flood of emotions ran through my heart and mind. Of course I regret my choices! Of course I wish I could take it back! Of course I wish things would have turned out differently! Of course I want to take back all the pain and hurt I caused so many! Regret overwhelmed me.

Then God spoke to my heart about the truth of regret: Living in regret is fools gold.

-Regret convinces you that you have the power to change the past if you feel bad enough, long enough.
-Regret robs you of the gift of grace by trying to get you to make up for your mistakes.
-Regret leads you into a place of shame and guilt and leaves you there wishing things could be different. 
-Regret defeats the spirit of forgiveness and freedom that Jesus died to give you.

Regret isn’t the same as remorse.

Remorse is defined as “deep and painful contrition.” Remorse is being sorry, not for the consequences of sin, but for the act of sinning. Remorse ushers in grace; makes way for redemption; prepares us for healing.

Regret and remorse are totally different.

Maybe you’ve not been authentically remorseful for a choice you made or a sin you committed. What you need is remorse but what you’ve settled for  is regret.

Regret haunts you. Regret robs you of love and joy and peace and you are exhausted. You have convinced yourself if you feel bad enough, long enough, you can make up for it.

You can’t make up for it. No matter how hard you try.

But Jesus can.

You can’t change the past, but you can stop allowing your past regrets rob you of the future God has for you.

Trisha and I have the opportunity to speak at the Velocity conference today. We are so honored and a little nervous. It is only by the grace of God that we are able to share our story and speak into the lives of others. It is such a privilege. The conference started yesterday and one of the speakers, Brian Bloye posed a question to us that I think is relevant for every single Christian.

Is Jesus enough?

If everything else goes away…is Jesus enough?

• If your marriage never gets any better…is Jesus enough?
• If you don’t get that promotion…is Jesus enough?
• If you lose your house…is Jesus enough?
• If that friendship is never reconciled…is Jesus enough?
• If you lose your job…is Jesus enough?
• If you never get remarried…is Jesus enough?
• If that dream you’ve been dreaming for years doesn’t come true…is Jesus enough?
• If he never says he’s sorry…is Jesus enough?
• If she doesn’t choose you…is Jesus enough?
• If the person that means the most to you causes you the most pain…is Jesus enough?
• If everything and everyone goes away…is Jesus enough?

Is Jesus enough?

The truth about me, and probably the truth about you is that most of the time, Jesus isn’t enough…until He’s all you have.

Then, He is more than you could ever imagine.

When we get married, our vision for marriage is a to have a covenant relationship. We are making a promise. We recite vows. We promise to be there. We promise to love unconditionally. We promise in sickness and in health. We are not signing a contract, we are making a promise. We are reciting a covenant that comes from the depth of our heart. This covenant feels right. This covenant feels holy. This covenant feels ordained.

But something happens to most marriages over time. The unconditional love we promised, starts being conditional. The list of things we loved about our spouse slowly drifts to a list of things that irritate us. We aren’t getting what we are putting in. This isn’t what we signed up for. This isn’t what we agreed to. Our covenant relationship has slowly become a contractual agreement.

Here are some signs your marriage is more of a contract than a covenant:

1. Comparison:

You are so disappointed in who your spouse is that you compare them with someone else. You wish they were more handy like so and so’s husband. You wish they could cook like so and so’s wife. You compare them with someone you work with…they don’t listen that well, understand you that much. The comparison game is a dangerous one to play.

2. If-Then Relationship

You will take out the trash if she will do the laundry. You will pick up the kids from school if she will let get off your back about going golfing. There are conditions attached to sexual intimacy. Conditions attached to time spent together. You keep score and you usually win. No one wins in the if-then marriage. You can never do enough.

3. Walking on Egg-Shells

When you are in a contractual marriage you are constantly worried about starting a fight. You walk on egg shells when you get home from work. You walk on egg shells on the weekends. You’re goal is to get through a day, a weekend, a week without an argument. You know your spouses hot buttons and do everything you can to not push them.

4. Score Keeping

In a contractual marriage you always know the score. You know how many times you’ve served them; you’ve given in; you’ve said you’re sorry; you’ve not gotten you way. You keep score of purchases; arguments and times you’ve given something against your will. Your desire isn’t to experience intimacy with your spouse, but to win the score keeping game. (There is no winner in a score keeping marriage.)

God’s vision for your marriage is a covenant not a contract. He longs to have your relationship with your spouse mirror His relationship with you. When you least deserved it, He sacrificed for you. A covenant is an unconditional promise that has no end.

Maybe the best thing you can do for your marriage today is evaluate which type of relationship you have and which type do you want to have.

An honest answer
is like a kiss of friendship. Proverbs 24:26

For the first 32 years of my life, I struggled with honesty. I told the truth, but would exaggerate sometimes. It started with lies to my parents about who spilled milk on the floor in the kitchen, then where I was going on a Friday night. I would fudge the truth with friends on what colleges I was being recruited by to play basketball, I’d lie to professors when asked if I’d read the assignment they had given.

I graduated from college and went into ministry, but honest answers weren’t consistent. I’d lie about how many kids were at youth group. I’d lie to people I didn’t want to do dinner with and tell them I was busy. I’d tell people I didn’t get their message when I had listened to it and didn’t return their call.

My wife wasn’t spared from my stretching of the truth. I’d often tell her I’d be home at a certain time, and consistently show up late. I tell her we had the money to make a purchase when I knew if we spent the money it would have to be taken from another area. I’d over book our calendar and tell her I told her about a dinner we had to go to when I’d never had that conversation.

I rationalized my lies with “They aren’t really hurting anyone. No one will ever find out. They’re just exaggerations.” No one ever sets out to become a liar. No one ever sets out to not be trustworthy. No one ever dreams of having people question what they say because you have exaggerated so much.

I love how the Message translation puts this verse: “An honest answer is like a warm hug.”

Truth is inviting. Truth builds up. Truth is the foundation of relationship. My prayer is that God would allow me to be a person of truth. That when I speak people feel the warmth of truth. When I say something people receive it as though they are hearing it from a friend.

How are you at truth telling? Is there lack of warmth in some relationships because you are withholding truth or stretching the truth?

Who do you need to give a warm hug to this week by giving an honest answer?

Everyone deals with insecurity differently. I spent most of my adult life trying to pretend my insecurity away. I pretended to be better than I really was. I acted like I was closer to God than I really was. I dressed like I had more money than I really had. I spoke with more confidence than I really had. I portrayed that I was a better husband than I really was. Most people would tell me that I struggled with pride, but it was a false pride, born out of insecurity.

I wasted so many days, weeks, months, years worried about what other people thought of me. I can remember speaking on a Sunday morning, and not getting as many compliments as I needed, so I’d go and ask people if they thought it was good. I have bought things I couldn’t afford to impress people I didn’t even like. I’ve said things that weren’t true to cause someone to think I was more important, or more gifted or wiser than I really am. I’ve worried myself sick over what someone thought of clothes that I wore or a comment that I made or a message I preached.

Insecurity will put you in a prison of second guessing. It will infiltrate your friendships. It will erode the intimacy of your marriage. Insecurity will convince you that you aren’t good enough so you better pretend to be better than you really are, and in that moment the YOU that God longs for you to be is lost.

The only cure I’ve found for insecurity is admitting just how insecure you are. It is ironic, actually. The greatest weapon against insecurity is to say, “I’m not secure in who I am.” It is in that moment, God has the room He needs to be all you’ve pretended to be.

Have you seen insecurity rob you of the person God’s created you to be?

Sometimes it happens in an email. Sometimes it happens over coffee. Sometimes it happens after we speak at an event. We share our story of dysfunction, brokenness and restoration. We pull no punches about our mistakes and we don’t sugar coat how hard the recovery process was…how hard it is, still.

Then we’ll get an email; have a conversation or talk to a couple that pour out their heart about their marriage problems. She’s harboring resentment. He’s addicted to pornography. She’s had an emotional affair over Facebook. They live in the same house, but are more like roommates. The problems are all different, but their desire is the same: how can we fix it? How can we have what you have? They are desperate. They will do anything.

Trisha will return an email or I will start to talk about their need for marriage counseling or we will suggest our marriage coaching program or send a link to our MentorUs weekly subscription. Eyes gloss over. Emails aren’t returned. All kinds of reasons are given why marriage counseling won’t work. We want what you have, but don’t want to do what you did to have it.

When a relationship goes bad or a job is lost or our marriage starts to drift, we want God to intervene. We start praying and asking God for a miracle.  We are confident that God can do something about our situation. God can heal our hurt. God can restore our marriage. God can mend a relationship. There are times, if we are honest we want the benefit of a better life without the pain of making better decisions. We expect God to bring change that we aren’t willing to pursue ourselves.

• Some of us are waiting on God to heal a relationship…but we refuse to say we’re sorry.
• Some of us are waiting on God to get us out of debt…but we refuse to stop using credit cards.
• Some of us are waiting on God to give us the man or woman of our dreams…but we keep lowering our standards in the people we date.
• Some of us are waiting on God to give us a new job but we refuse to give our best at our current job.
• Some of us are waiting on God to fix our marriage, but we refuse to go to counseling.

How bad do we really want it? We want the blessing of what God can give us without the obedience that God calls us to.

Maybe there are times we don’t see God show up, not because of His inactivity, but because of ours.

How bad do you want it?

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to read and review the book Sons of Grace. Then last week, I sat down with the author Mark Hughes and discussed the book, the concept of grace and how he avoided divorce in his own marriage. You can check out the interview here.

The book is a collection of stories of grace, redemption and second chances. It points our heart to the Cross and reminds us of our own need for grace.

Today, I’m excited to be giving away 5 copies of the book Sons of Grace. All you have to do to enter is leave your name in the comments and what city you live in.

If you want to enter multiple times, and increase your chance to win, then like this post and let us know in the comments.

If you want to triple your chance of winning and you are on Twitter, then copy and past this to Twitter:

Enter to win a FREE copy of the book Sons of Grace from @justindavis33 and RefineUs: http://bit.ly/A1Dpmt

We will decide on the five winners on Sunday and ship you the book on Monday.

So enter to win…where are you from?

Today’s post is from our friends Josh and Lindsey Hartz. Josh and Lindsey started out as blogging friends and have turned into real life friends. Josh and Lindsey live out the grace of God in their life and marriage and have an incredible story of restoration. We are honored to have them both share with us today.

You can follow Lindsey on Twitter
You can follow Josh on Twitter

You can check out Lindsey’s Blog

We so grateful to have Josh and Lindsey as a part of our RefineUs marriage coaching team.
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“She Said…”

I thought marriage would be a fairy tale…complete with a handsome prince on a valiant white horse, rushing in to save me from the evils of this world.

Different circumstances throughout much of my childhood left me with a distinct vision of what “marriage” was…temporary, painful, distant, busy, disconnected.

So I read voraciously to escape, to find some beauty to cling to.  I especially loved the enchantingly depicted fantasies of distant lands, unimaginable riches, true love, and happy endings.  I wished on stars and prayed and hoped that one day my Prince Charming would come, that one day he would keep me safe and love me forever, no matter what.

My journey to marriage didn’t go so well.  When I started to show interests in boys, I always seemed to wind up with the “bad” apples.  Although my relationships were very few and far between, they’d always break my heart, break my confidence, and break my spirit.

Until one day, I met him….the “One.” I thought all my dreams had come true as one by one my requirements were met.  He was handsome, kind, and honorable.  He had a pickup truck instead of a horse, but he certainly took care of me, tried to protect me, and loved me even through my deepest struggles and sin.

But sadly, the moment I felt he failed me (real or imagined) my perfect vision of our relationship shattered, and all I could see was everything he wasn’t doing.  In fact, my high expectations of him and controlling nature were slowly draining the love from our marriage.  As the years went on, I found myself resorting to what I knew…pain, distance, busyness, and disconnection became the norm.  Temporary became more and more attractive.

Until one day, when the only true “One” stepped in to the mess we had made.  He opened our eyes, saved our marriage, saved our souls.

I finally realized that God had given me my Prince Charming all along.  We don’t live in a distant land and we certainly don’t have material riches…but we do have is true love, grounded on faith in our precious Father. Those riches far exceed anything this world (or my fairy tales) could ever offer

“He Said…”

I never dated the prom queen or really had that many dates.  I didn’t dream of a fancy wedding or what happily ever after looked like.  I wasn’t sure who the one was, but then she was there!  She was beautiful, shy, smart, and sassy, oh so sassy!  I knew she was the one and in my mind, I thought marriage was going to be blissful happiness, romance, and guaranteed sex!

What I wasn’t prepared for was life.  My fantasy didn’t take into the account that my wife had actual feelings and past hurts that needed to be handled with care.  She was a beautiful woman with real emotions (not the ones I had seen portrayed on the internet).  She needed to be wooed and won over.  Then she needed to be wooed and won over again and again.

When I didn’t see the romanticized marriage that my mind had concocted, I fled.  I turned to false gods such as work, exercise, and Internet fantasies because all that was easier than working hard to have a good marriage.  While work and exercise might not be bad unto themselves, where there is no balance and when the focus is solely on oneself it can lead to great distance and heartache.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that my marriage needed something that I couldn’t provide by myself.  My marriage needed to be focused on God!  I needed to make my Redeemer the central focus of my heart and my actions.   I also didn’t realize how deeply my wife needed a protector.  I was pretty good at physically protecting her, but she needed to feel the deep protection that could only be felt through the Lord.

My wife’s beauty hasn’t faded.  She is still smart, and still just as sassy.  Our marriage has gone from blissful ignorance to near divorce and back by His grace alone.  The marriage we have now I wouldn’t trade for anything!  Oh and the sex…..well, I try to woo a lot more now!

I’m really excited about our blog posts for this week. Valentine’s week holds a special place in our blog’s heart. We launched RefineUs 3 years ago this week.

This summer, Trisha and I realized that in order for RefineUs to continue to help restore hope and renew relationships like we feel God has called us to do, this ministry had to expand beyond us. Actually, RefineUs was never meant to be about us, it’s always been about the redemption that God can bring to any heart; any relationship; any marriage.

We have asked some friends that we trust and that understand the vision of RefineUs to come along side us and help coach couples. Our marriage coaching program can now serve four times as many couples. We are so thankful for their investment and partnership.

We’ve asked each of our marriage coaches to do a guest post this week. The theme of the posts will be around the topic of expectations. We all had expectations when we got married….we all expected marriage to be ___________ and it ended up being _____________.

Sometimes our expectations were unrealistic, other times they were just unmet. I know the posts this week are going to speak to your heart.

If you would like more information on our four month marriage coaching program, CLICK HERE to find out more and move from the marriage you have to the marriage you desire.

Happy Valentine’s Week and thank yo for being a part of our community.

A few weeks ago, I shared with you a review of the book, Sons of Grace. If you love redemption stories, then the book is an awesome book to read. You get a front row seat with ten different men as they encounter Christ and His grace. As a person that loves second chances, this book reminded me of how thankful I am for grace. I had an opportunity to chat with Mark Hughes, the author of Sons of Grace and we wanted to share that with you today. Enjoy!

We will be giving away 5 copies of the book next week.

What is the last book you’ve read?