I had the opportunity to speak at Cross Point on Sunday. We continued our series, Empty Promises, based on Pete’s new book. It has been a powerful series for our church, and for me personally. I talked about how easy it is to be addicted to our appearance.

Each week, we broadcast the message at our Internet Campus, and then following the message there is a live Q&A. Chris Surratt, the Internet Campus Pastor and I were talking during the Q&A, and in our conversation I quoted the scripture James 5:16:

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

Chris said something in that moment that was brilliant. He said, “The confession James is talking about  isn’t for forgiveness. It is God that forgives. It is for healing; healing that comes through confessing our sins to one another.”  I had never thought about it that way.

Most of us have the “forgiveness” type of confession down. We know that in order to get forgiveness from God we have to confess our sins. Maybe you grew up confessing to a priest; maybe it is something that you do in your quiet time with God; maybe it is something that you do after you’ve made a huge mistake. Most of us know that forgiveness from God comes through confession.

We don’t talk about the “healing” type of confession in the Church very often. In fact, we have built a religious system that tries to find healing through hiding our sins, not confessing them. The sins we do confess are safe sins: bitterness, jealousy, materialism, selfishness.

I was the master at this. I appeared “authentic” for confessing socially acceptable sins while I lived as a prisoner to sins I wasn’t willing to confess. For years, I forfeited the healing that God longed to bring to my heart not because I didn’t confess my sins to Him; but because I refused to confess them to anyone else.

Temptation loses its power when we confess. 

Sin loses its ability to keep us fractured when we confess. 

Addictions lose the control they have in our lives when we confess. 

God knew that we would need two things to live in freedom in this life: the burden-bearing love of one another and the power of God through prayer. Confess your sins to one another and pray for each other…so that you may be healed. 

Will living this way be easy? No. Will it be worth it? More than you could ever imagine.

Healing may be a conversation away.

I (Justin) grew up with a pretty low self-esteem. Like most kids I wanted to feel valued; to be accepted by others; to feel good about myself. I got made fun of one summer when I was wearing shorts, and called “chicken legs”. I didn’t wear shorts for a few years after that. Self-esteem is a fickle thing. It isn’t something that either you have it or you don’t have…it comes and goes.

Sometimes when you have a high self-esteem it only takes one insult; one harsh word; one failure; one break-up; one tight fit in the dressing room; one lost job; one financial mistake to completely destroy your self-esteem. Self-esteem is easier to lose than it is to gain. People are driven by self esteem. There are books about how to raise your kids’ self-esteem. There are seminars about how to improve your self-esteem.

Lots of people making lots of money on how crappy we feel about ourselves.

Can I share something with you that has set me free and I think can set you free?

There is a huge difference between your self-esteem and your self-worth.

Self-esteem is conditional. Self-esteem factors in your brokenness. Self-esteem is your perception of you. Self-esteem gathers all of your hurt, all of your rejection, all of the lies you believe about yourself and allows you to rehearse those things over and over again in your mind. Self-esteem remembers the one insult you received last week and forgets the ten compliments you got. Self-esteem is an emotional roller coaster that leaves you never looking good enough; never being smart enough; never achieving enough; never accumulating enough.

Your self-worth is God given. Your self-worth is non-negotiable. Your self-worth is based not on who you are, but on who God is. Your self-worth can’t be taken away; it can’t be degraded; it can’t be robbed. Your self-worth was given to you before the creation of the world. Your attractiveness, your beauty, your weight, your complexion, your hair color, your smile, your body shape, your tax bracket, your employment status, your marital status, your past mistakes and failures have nothing to do with your self-worth. You are valuable for the single reason that you were created in the image and majesty of God.

You are valuable because God sees you as valuable.

How much would your life change if you stopped living out of your self-esteem and starting living out of your self-worth?

Christ didn’t die to give you higher self-esteem; He died to demonstrate your self-worth.

Do you struggle in seeing the difference between your self-esteem and your self-worth?

Trisha and I became acquainted with Kasey Van Norman through our literary agent, Jenni Burke. We not only share an agent with Kasey, we share a publisher as well. Kasey’s first book, Named By God releases today from Tyndale House Publishers. As new authors,we reached out to Kasey and told her that we would be happy to review her book and help promote her book release. That day is TODAY!

Honestly, it was more of a kind gesture…I had no idea what to expect with her book.

A few weeks ago, Kasey sent us the digital version of the book. I downloaded it and before I even opened the first page, the sub title captured my heart. Named By God: Overcoming your past, transforming your present, embracing your future.

There isn’t a subtitle that fits more closely with what our RefineUs community is about. The book itself is just as good as its subtitle. If you’ve ever been haunted by your past; frustrated with your current circumstances or questioned God’s involvement in your future, this book is for you! This book is a powerful reminder that our past can be forgiven. Our hearts can be transformed. Change is possible. Healing is what God does best. God has named us and set us apart for a destiny that is far beyond what we could ask or imagine.

As a gift to our readers, Kasey sent us 3 signed copies to give away. Here is how you can enter to win:

1. Leave a comment below and let us know your name.

2. Copy and paste this to Twitter: Enter to win a FREE SIGNED copy of @KaseyVanNorman’s new book Named By God from @justindavis33 http://t.co/SIXxAHR9

3. If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can share it on Facebook by clicking HERE

On Friday, we’ll pick 3 winners and send you a free book!

Even if you don’t win, you can buy Kasy’s book on Amazon. You can also check out her WEBSITE.

In 2008, Trisha and I sat in Pete Wilson’s living room visiting with he and Brandi for the weekend. Our families had been friends for several years and he and Brandi were instrumental in the restoration of our marriage. We had been out of ministry for three years and had no aspirations about going back into ministry. One night as we sat and talked around the fireplace, Pete made a promise to us. He said, “God is going to call you back into ministry, and I promise I will do anything I can to help you follow that calling.” Trish and I thought he was crazy. He has followed through with that promise over and over again!

Four years later, I have the honor of not only doing life with one of my best friends, but serving as a pastor at the church he leads, Cross Point Church. He has done so much to encourage, uplift and help Trisha and me, we wanted to do all we could to help him launch his new book, Empty Promises today.

I love this book because it gets to the heart of something we all struggle with: Looking to other things to bring us the contentment and satisfaction that only God can provide. 

We are  giving away 5 AUTOGRAPHED COPIES of Empty Promises this week!

Here’s how to qualify for the giveaway!

1. Leave a comment with your name and where you live. We’ll randomly select the winners on Friday.

2. Tweet, Facebook or Email this: Win a signed copy of @pwilson’s new book, Empty Promises from @justindavis33: http://tinyurl.com/bpqfrku 

That’s it…its that easy! (Let us know in the comment that you’ve shared the post)

Even if you don’t win the book, you can order the book through Amazon by clicking HERE

You can check out the video trailer for the book by going HERE. 

Trisha and I have the opportunity to speak at the Velocity conference today. We are so honored and a little nervous. It is only by the grace of God that we are able to share our story and speak into the lives of others. It is such a privilege. The conference started yesterday and one of the speakers, Brian Bloye posed a question to us that I think is relevant for every single Christian.

Is Jesus enough?

If everything else goes away…is Jesus enough?

• If your marriage never gets any better…is Jesus enough?
• If you don’t get that promotion…is Jesus enough?
• If you lose your house…is Jesus enough?
• If that friendship is never reconciled…is Jesus enough?
• If you lose your job…is Jesus enough?
• If you never get remarried…is Jesus enough?
• If that dream you’ve been dreaming for years doesn’t come true…is Jesus enough?
• If he never says he’s sorry…is Jesus enough?
• If she doesn’t choose you…is Jesus enough?
• If the person that means the most to you causes you the most pain…is Jesus enough?
• If everything and everyone goes away…is Jesus enough?

Is Jesus enough?

The truth about me, and probably the truth about you is that most of the time, Jesus isn’t enough…until He’s all you have.

Then, He is more than you could ever imagine.

When we get married, our vision for marriage is a to have a covenant relationship. We are making a promise. We recite vows. We promise to be there. We promise to love unconditionally. We promise in sickness and in health. We are not signing a contract, we are making a promise. We are reciting a covenant that comes from the depth of our heart. This covenant feels right. This covenant feels holy. This covenant feels ordained.

But something happens to most marriages over time. The unconditional love we promised, starts being conditional. The list of things we loved about our spouse slowly drifts to a list of things that irritate us. We aren’t getting what we are putting in. This isn’t what we signed up for. This isn’t what we agreed to. Our covenant relationship has slowly become a contractual agreement.

Here are some signs your marriage is more of a contract than a covenant:

1. Comparison:

You are so disappointed in who your spouse is that you compare them with someone else. You wish they were more handy like so and so’s husband. You wish they could cook like so and so’s wife. You compare them with someone you work with…they don’t listen that well, understand you that much. The comparison game is a dangerous one to play.

2. If-Then Relationship

You will take out the trash if she will do the laundry. You will pick up the kids from school if she will let get off your back about going golfing. There are conditions attached to sexual intimacy. Conditions attached to time spent together. You keep score and you usually win. No one wins in the if-then marriage. You can never do enough.

3. Walking on Egg-Shells

When you are in a contractual marriage you are constantly worried about starting a fight. You walk on egg shells when you get home from work. You walk on egg shells on the weekends. You’re goal is to get through a day, a weekend, a week without an argument. You know your spouses hot buttons and do everything you can to not push them.

4. Score Keeping

In a contractual marriage you always know the score. You know how many times you’ve served them; you’ve given in; you’ve said you’re sorry; you’ve not gotten you way. You keep score of purchases; arguments and times you’ve given something against your will. Your desire isn’t to experience intimacy with your spouse, but to win the score keeping game. (There is no winner in a score keeping marriage.)

God’s vision for your marriage is a covenant not a contract. He longs to have your relationship with your spouse mirror His relationship with you. When you least deserved it, He sacrificed for you. A covenant is an unconditional promise that has no end.

Maybe the best thing you can do for your marriage today is evaluate which type of relationship you have and which type do you want to have.

Everyone deals with insecurity differently. I spent most of my adult life trying to pretend my insecurity away. I pretended to be better than I really was. I acted like I was closer to God than I really was. I dressed like I had more money than I really had. I spoke with more confidence than I really had. I portrayed that I was a better husband than I really was. Most people would tell me that I struggled with pride, but it was a false pride, born out of insecurity.

I wasted so many days, weeks, months, years worried about what other people thought of me. I can remember speaking on a Sunday morning, and not getting as many compliments as I needed, so I’d go and ask people if they thought it was good. I have bought things I couldn’t afford to impress people I didn’t even like. I’ve said things that weren’t true to cause someone to think I was more important, or more gifted or wiser than I really am. I’ve worried myself sick over what someone thought of clothes that I wore or a comment that I made or a message I preached.

Insecurity will put you in a prison of second guessing. It will infiltrate your friendships. It will erode the intimacy of your marriage. Insecurity will convince you that you aren’t good enough so you better pretend to be better than you really are, and in that moment the YOU that God longs for you to be is lost.

The only cure I’ve found for insecurity is admitting just how insecure you are. It is ironic, actually. The greatest weapon against insecurity is to say, “I’m not secure in who I am.” It is in that moment, God has the room He needs to be all you’ve pretended to be.

Have you seen insecurity rob you of the person God’s created you to be?

Sometimes it happens in an email. Sometimes it happens over coffee. Sometimes it happens after we speak at an event. We share our story of dysfunction, brokenness and restoration. We pull no punches about our mistakes and we don’t sugar coat how hard the recovery process was…how hard it is, still.

Then we’ll get an email; have a conversation or talk to a couple that pour out their heart about their marriage problems. She’s harboring resentment. He’s addicted to pornography. She’s had an emotional affair over Facebook. They live in the same house, but are more like roommates. The problems are all different, but their desire is the same: how can we fix it? How can we have what you have? They are desperate. They will do anything.

Trisha will return an email or I will start to talk about their need for marriage counseling or we will suggest our marriage coaching program or send a link to our MentorUs weekly subscription. Eyes gloss over. Emails aren’t returned. All kinds of reasons are given why marriage counseling won’t work. We want what you have, but don’t want to do what you did to have it.

When a relationship goes bad or a job is lost or our marriage starts to drift, we want God to intervene. We start praying and asking God for a miracle.  We are confident that God can do something about our situation. God can heal our hurt. God can restore our marriage. God can mend a relationship. There are times, if we are honest we want the benefit of a better life without the pain of making better decisions. We expect God to bring change that we aren’t willing to pursue ourselves.

• Some of us are waiting on God to heal a relationship…but we refuse to say we’re sorry.
• Some of us are waiting on God to get us out of debt…but we refuse to stop using credit cards.
• Some of us are waiting on God to give us the man or woman of our dreams…but we keep lowering our standards in the people we date.
• Some of us are waiting on God to give us a new job but we refuse to give our best at our current job.
• Some of us are waiting on God to fix our marriage, but we refuse to go to counseling.

How bad do we really want it? We want the blessing of what God can give us without the obedience that God calls us to.

Maybe there are times we don’t see God show up, not because of His inactivity, but because of ours.

How bad do you want it?

It is so much easier writing about what used to be than writing about what is.

January 3, 2012…I am four pounds away from my heaviest weight, ever. Just typing that brings up feelings of shame and embarrassment. I’ve written in the past about avoidance being my drug of choice…the past few months I’ve been avoiding the scale. I wanted to lose weight, I really did.

One of my goals for 2011 was to lose 50lbs. In June of last year, I had procrastinated enough, it was time to act. One of the owners of Boost Fitness goes to Cross Point and wanted to help me achieve that goal. He came up to me after one of our services and offered to personally train me. I’ve never had a personal trainer. I went in and they did an assessment of my current physical condition and it was worse than I thought. I wanted to change. I wanted to be different. Jon was committed to helping me. I started going 3 times a week and he was kicking my butt. If you’ve ever seen The Biggest Loser and seen the contestants crying and snotting and sweating…that was me. He killed me. On the off days of Jon’s training I would run 3 miles.

I started dropping weight like crazy. I lost like 28 lbs. in the first 8 weeks. Then I started traveling and life got busy and things came up and I stopped going to the gym. I pulled a hamstring playing basketball so I couldn’t run for a few days. Then a few days became a week and a week became two. I started justifying compromising my diet and would think, “This bowl of cereal won’t cost me that much.” “I’ve lost 28 lbs…I won’t gain it back with this candy bar.”

It was a weird thing…when I stopped working out and stopped meeting Jon at the gym, I started gaining weight. That was so wild! I couldn’t understand…my desire to lose weight was just as strong. I still wanted to lose weight, but my commitment faded. I wanted the benefits of working out, without working out. Life doesn’t work that way does it. That reality came crashing home on Monday of this week when I went back to visit Jon and many of my measurements were worse than they were back in June. Everyone has desire, but what I need more than desire is commitment.

We all desire change, right? It’s why you read blogs; it’s why you go to church; it’s why you pray; it’s why you read books; we all desire change. But so often in our life our commitment to change is much less than our desire to change.

What if your commitment to change started matching your desire to change? If your commitment to change matched your desire to change what would be different about you?

If your commitment to be generous matched your desire to be generous, you would give more. You would write a check. You would give your time.

If your commitment to overcome an addiction matched your desire to overcome an addiction you would admit you are addicted; you would tell someone about your addiction; you would seek help in overcoming that addiction.

If your commitment to be honest matched your desire to be honest you would not just be accountable in your life; you would choose to be transparent. You would have hard conversations. You would tell the truth even when it would be easier to lie.

If your commitment to your marriage matched your desire to have a better marriage, you would invest in your marriage more; you would pursue your wife; you would make time for your husband; you would value your marriage over money or career advancement. You would be intentional and not just have good intentions.

When our commitment to change is less than our desire to change…we won’t change.

I don’t want to lose one more day desiring something that I am not committed to. I don’t want that for you either. Today is the day of commitment. So is tomorrow and the next day and the next.

We have great intentions don’t we? If our life was measured by our intentions we would all be very successful in all aspects of life. We intend to have great marriages. We intend to have deep friendships. We intend to be completely honest. We intend to share all of our heart. We intend to be fully known. What prevents our intentions from being reality?

Fear.

There are three fears that have robbed me of what I have wanted for myself and desired for my marriage and friendships. When any or all of these fears are greater than our intentions to be fully known, intimacy will be always be the casualty. These three fears may be holding you back from having the marriage you want; the relationship with God you want; the friendships you desire.

1. Fear of Being Found Out

When we have something we are hiding, we will never experience intimacy at its greatest level. When we fear being found out we withhold ourselves from those we care about most. Our fear will over take our heart and we will stress out and we will imagine worst case scenarios and we will allow the fear of being found out to do more damage than simply telling the truth.Most of the time trying to hide the truth only leads us to what we fear the most: being found out.

2. Fear of Not Being Loved

Insecurity has robbed me of being fully known in so many relationships. When you allow the fear of not being loved to live in your heart, you are never fully yourself. You are constantly tempted to change who you are to live up to what you perceive others’ expectations to be. You are not happy being you and you feel like you are never appreciated for who you truly are. Fear of not being loved robs you of what you fear losing: Love.

3. Fear of Emotional Pain

There is an equation that we all calculate when pursuing intimacy: If I share this will the pain I experience be worth it in the end. If I share my heart; if I bring this into the light; if I open this can of worms will it be worth it? Those of us that fear emotional pain are great at pretending like things are okay in our life; in our marriage; in a friendship; even when they are not okay. We compromise intimacy by trying to avoid pain and in the end we cause ourselves and others what we fear the most: pain.

Maybe the marriage you want; the friendship you intend to have; the person you intend to be is being held back by one word: Fear.

What you intend to have and the intimacy you desire can be yours…if you will overcome your fears.