There are a lot of things that I know I should do.

In my relationship with God, “I should” has crossed my mind hundreds of times. I should read my Bible more. I should spend more time in prayer. I should journal more consistently. I should show more grace. I should worship God in more ways that just singing on Sundays. I should give more.

I’m great at telling myself, “I should.” I should workout more. I should eat better. I should get up earlier. I should run a mini-marathon. I should get out of debt. I should read more. I should write more.

The same can be said about my marriage. I should listen more. I should give Trisha my best. I should help with the kids. I should lead our family more spiritually. I should engage as much at home as I do at the office. I should not be so controlling.

My life as a father has been filled with “I should.” I should take the boys camping. I should not lose my temper so easily. I should be more patient. I should spend quality time with each of the boys. I should help him with his homework. I should pray more with them.

The problem with I should is that it will never change your life. For transformation to truly take place in your life, you have to move from “I should” to “I want to.” It is about desire.

If I don’t desire to read my Bible more than I desire watching Sportscenter, change will not happen. If I don’t desire time with my wife more than I desire time at the office, she will never feel like a priority. If I don’t desire spending time with my boys more than I desire watching golf, I’ll never be a better dad. If I don’t desire working out more than I desire lying on the couch, I’ll never lose weight.

Transformation only takes place as our desire to change aligns with the power of the Holy Spirit to change us. Sometimes that means sacrifice; sometimes it means surrender; sometimes it means confession; sometimes it means humility. It always means moving from “I should” to “I want to.”

Maybe what is holding you back from changing is that your desires are too weak. You have settled for a life of “I should” and haven’t embraced a life of “I want to.”

What area of your life do you need to move from “I Should” to “I Want To”?

I (Justin) turn 37 in 10 days. Wow…that is really old. Just typing t-h-i-r-t-y s-e-v-e-n makes me feel ancient. Birthdays have always been something that I have looked forward to; I love the attention and the birthday money.

This birthday isn’t just a reminder that I am one year older and one year closer to 4-0…it’s a painful reminder of a wound in my heart.

Just over a year ago, I found out that my dad…the man that I grew up with; coached my t-ball team; took me fishing; dropped me off at camp; worked overtime so he could buy me a car; had two jobs so I could go to college; was outside the door for my sons’ birth…Dad…wasn’t my dad.

My mom got pregnant with me very young; my biological father didn’t want me; my mom met my dad a few months later; I was born; they got married; I was adopted by my dad a few years later.

When all of this was shared with me last summer, it was like an out of body experience. On one hand, I couldn’t believe it…on the other hand it all made sense. My life, my brokenness, my weaknesses…all made sense.

I have struggled my entire life with identity. I spent most of my childhood hating who I was and wanting to be like someone else. It was one of the biggest issues that we walked through in counseling as we were restoring our marriage. No wonder I had an identity crisis…it all made sense.

Through the affair, our separation and restoration, I realized that I spent most of my life finding my identity in things other than Christ. Knowing who I am in Christ. This one thing sets the foundation for our relationships, our marriage, our temptations and struggles, our choices, how we parent. Every single aspect of our life finds its beginning in identity.

Over the past year, what I have tried to do is to identify how I can tell when I am struggling in this area. What are the signs that my identity is in crisis? Here are just a few that are true for me.

My identity is in crisis:

• When my motivation for doing something is to prove something to someone or prove someone wrong
• When the words of others mean more to me than the development of my character
• When impressing others drives what I say, what I wear or how I act
• When criticism from people motivates me more than obedience to God
• When my integrity is trumped by the pursuit of my goals
• When I stretch the truth to make myself look better or someone else look bad
• When I’m insecure or jealous of someone else’s success, recognition or gifts

What about you? Do you struggle with identity? What would you add to the list?

**Disclaimer: On Sunday night Trisha and I sat in two different rooms writing blog posts. She wrote her post yesterday, and I wrote this post. Neither of us knew how God had laid such similar things on our hearts. I love it when God works that way.**

Last month, Trisha and I celebrated 15 years of marriage. We also celebrated our oldest son Micah’s 14^th birthday. Just typing that feels weird. We don’t feel old enough to have a 14 year old.

It is a very interesting season of life, because our oldest son and our youngest son are 7 years apart in age, but look very much alike. As I watch my youngest son, I think about Micah at his age. Micah had some friends come over to celebrate his birthday on Sunday, and as I sat and watched them at the pool I thought to myself:

“How much of the journey did I miss because I was so focused on the destination?”

When Micah was 7, I was busy building a church. I’ve always been busy building something…a reputation, a student ministry, a bank account, an image, a fund raising plan, a leadership structure, an organization.

Here is the tricky thing…none of these things are bad. But the focus I had on what was next usually clouded my enjoyment of what was now.

As a husband, I wanted to figure out how to have a better job; how to have a bigger house; how to have a newer car; how to take better vacations; how to save more money; how to have more toys. Arriving was more important than becoming.

As a father, I was waiting for the boys to crawl; then walk; then talk; then get out of diapers; then get in a big boy bed; then go to school; then play sports.

As a pastor, my whole focus was on the destination. I can’t wait until we have a building; I can’t wait till we have 50 people; 100 people; 300 people; 500 people; 700 people; I can’t wait until we go to two services; I can’t wait until next Easter, its going to be bigger and better than this Easter.

There is nothing wrong with having goals. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being driven. I’m not suggesting that a person, a marriage, a family, a church, a business shouldn’t grow and improve.

But when we pursue the destination more passionately than we do the journey, we often miss both altogether.

Focusing on the destination allows you to achieve some goals and experience some success, but there is always a cost.

Seeking the destination has:

• Cost me joy
• Robbed me of memories
• Caused me stress
• Made me ungrateful
• Left me discontent

What I have discovered is that God’s presence finds me on the journey. He is more concerned with who I am becoming than where I am arriving. Oddly enough, so is my wife; so are my kids.

What I have realized (often the hard way) is:

• Intimacy grows on the journey
• Moments are created on the journey
• Contentment is found on the journey
• Gratitude is overwhelming on the journey
• Life is savored on the journey

Is there an area of your life that your focus on the destination has robbed you of joy in the journey?

One thing that I have learned over the past five years, is that the relational quality of my marriage is often just a reflection of my relationship with God. There have been so many times that I tried to change an aspect of my marriage, or how I reacted in my marriage, without recognizing this truth and what it brought me was temporary results. I have found that I can change my behavior for a while, but until God changes my heart, its only superficial change.

Here is a list of 12 words. My guess is one or two of them may describe how you feel when you think of your marriage these days. One of these words has become normal to you.

Numb   Distant   Exhausted

Disappointed  Guarded  Absent

Dull   Mechanical   Repetitive

Controlled   Beat up   Uninspiring

For you and your marriage, distance has become the norm. Disappointment has been something you’ve learned to deal with. Dull has described your relationship with your spouse for quite some time. Beat up has become a constant companion.

You have tried to make changes, but they don’t last; they are short-lived. So you feel exhausted and frustrated and have come to see these words as normal.

Can I ask you one more question as it relates to these words? Do any of the same words describe your relationship with God? Do you feel numb when it comes to God these days? It is very hard to have true intimacy with your spouse, the oneness that God created, when you feel numb or distant or disappointed with God. There have been so many times in my life I have underestimated the spiritual aspect of my marriage and have done everything I can to “fix” it; and been unsuccessful.

What if there was a new kind of normal in your relationship with God?

Connected   Close   Energized

Exciting   Free   Inspired

Spontaneous  Life-giving   Encouraging

How much better would your marriage be if these words were the normal way to describe your relationship with God? How much richer would your friendships be? So often we try to fix our earthly relationships without taking an inventory of our relationship with God.

Is there a specific word that has become normal to you that needs to be traded for a new kind of normal?

My boys have been into watching the NBA summer league on NBA TV. Not much excitement there, but what has been exciting are the commercials. Apparently, advertising is much cheaper on NBA TV than most of the big networks. I base this theory on the quality of the commercials and the quantity of infomercials prompting me to buy something.

Last night, this commercial came on, and I couldn’t help but laugh (after I wrote down the 1-800 number!)

The Slim T promises to make you look thinner, without dieting; without exercising; you can have a slimmer, more fit looking body, without putting in all that hard (overrated) work. You can have the appearance of being thin, but not be thin. And best of all, no one will know you are wearing it, but you.

As wack as this commercial is, it made me think about the issues in a lot of marriages.

So often this is what we want in marriage. All of us who are married long for an intimate relationship with our spouse, but we aren’t always willing to pay the price for intimacy. All of us want to communicate better, but don’t make time for conversation. We want to have our needs met, without having to meet the needs of our spouse. We want the appearance of a healthy marriage, without having to work for a healthy marriage.

The truth is that the Slim T only hides my love handles; it doesn’t get rid of them. It only helps me suck in my gut; it doesn’t give me a six-pack. It tries to convince me that somehow appearance trumps health; and comfort is more important than authenticity. It covers up the symptoms of my problem, without getting to the root of my problem.

This has been true in my marriage more than I care to admit. I’ve often traded the commitment to a healthy marriage for the mere appearance of a healthy marriage.

Sadly, this has been true in my relationship with God too. Too often I’ve put a Slim T over my relationship with God, hoping that I could somehow appear more spiritual than I really am. I convince myself that I can have all the benefits of an intimate relationship with God, without the investment.

The reality is that at some point the Slim T has to come off…and the real you, the real marriage, the real relationship with God will be standing in front of the mirror.

Is there an area of your life, of your marriage, of your relationship with God that you are trying to make better by putting a Slim T over it?

I had the opportunity yesterday to continue our Chronicles series at Cross Point. We have been talking about the parables of Jesus. Yesterday, I taught on the parable of the mustard seed. The big idea of this parable is that God’s Kingdom may seem small and insignificant, but through Christ, it will have a tremendous impact. God has given us each “mustard seed moments” and so often we miss them because of impatience.

There have been so many times in my life that I have been frustrated with God. I’ve been disappointed that he didn’t show up in timeframe I thought he should.  The truth is that God doesn’t do a very good job of operating on my schedule. I am not, by nature a very patient person. Because I am not patient I have missed countless opportunities to make an impact with my life for the Kingdom.

More often than not, I have been disappointed in my relationship with God because I have equated my calendar with God’s timing. I have missed mustard seed moments in my life because I have expected God’s timing to be my timing…and when it doesn’t play out that way, I lose hope.

Can I share with you today what I am learning? God is more concerned with your character than he is your calendar. God will often allow a dream, allow a passion, allow an opportunity to marinate in your heart until you have developed the character necessary to see that dream or that opportunity come to fruition.

The problem is we aren’t patient. If we’re honest we care more about our calendar than we do our character. We want results. We want growth. We want impact. So we often shortcut the character development process so we can have or achieve what we feel we deserve.

Looking back over the last 15 years of my life and ministry, I see so many times I compromised my character to accommodate my calendar. When this happens in your life or in mine, what we end up with is a false sense of God’s blessing.

Maybe there is an area of your life today that God is asking you to wait…to be patient. Maybe its in your marriage…maybe its with one of your kids…maybe its in your dating relationships…maybe in your finances…maybe its with your job. Maybe today God is asking you to view your character as more important than your calendar…to be patient and allow him to bring about the growth in your heart and life you desperately need.

What area of your life do you sense God asking you to be patient?

I’m going to say this on the front end of this post…I am not sure you need to read this as much as I need to write it. I’m not even sure if it will make sense…but feel like I need to get it out there.

One of our favorite things to do on Sunday after church is to go out to eat as a family. We usually (like 90% of the time) eat Mexican food on Sundays. Trisha and I aren’t sure how or why that started, but it’s tradition now! My boys spent the past week at basketball camp, at the college we attended, so I was looking forward to sitting down for Sunday lunch.

Yesterday, we were eating with our good friend Lindsey, when my boys began to tell her a story. They spent the week with a former basketball teammate of mine, Kenny Todd.  Apparently, (according to my boys) when I first met Trisha in 1993, I introduced her to my friend Kenny and myself by saying, “Hello, there. My name is God, and this is my son.” I can’t believe I said that; I don’t remember saying that; I don’t doubt that I said that. One of my boys asked Kenny, “Why would my dad say that?” He said, “Because he was that cocky.”

As the story ended Lindsey said something I’ve been processing since. She said, “Now it all makes sense.” She was joking, but I said, “What makes sense?” She said, “Everything.” I said, “Seriously, what makes sense?” Lindsey simply said, “Why you needed to be broken.”

Up until 5 years ago, there were a lot of thing I thought I needed:

-I needed a title to find my identity

-I needed the approval of others to find value

-I needed to be recognized as a gifted leader

-I needed to stand out as a communicator

-I needed my church to grow to feel important

It is wild how the insecurity we often feel manifests itself as pride. The person that introduced himself as God had been sexually abused. The person that introduced himself as God had lust issues. The person that introduced himself as God wondered if he would ever be good enough. The person that introduced himself as God had a fear of not fitting in. The person that introduced himself as God felt so insecure and out of place.

Yet, even 17 years later the statement was “He was just that cocky.”

Maybe you think you need a promotion to feel validated. Maybe you think you need pornography to find peace. Maybe you think you need that relationship with someone that isn’t your spouse to feel understood. Maybe you think you need alcohol to take the edge off. Maybe you think you need the approval of others to find value. Maybe you think you need that relationship to feel attractive. Maybe you think you need ________________.

Maybe, what you really need is brokenness. Not the brokenness you and I try to disguise as confidence.

But the brokenness that comes from introducing yourself to others like “Hi, this is God, and I am His son (daughter).”

What have you thought you needed only to find out what you really needed was God?

Last Sunday, I had the opportunity to continue our series at Cross Point entitled Be Rich. It was one of the most challenging messages I’ve ever given. Not only did I pray about it for quite a while, but a lot of discussion went into this message with my wife, Trisha. We will be blogging next week about certain content of the message that was yet another layer of God stripping us of dysfunction that we have lived with for years.

A few statements from the message that I’d like to share with you:

We equate busyness with significance.

We equate possessions with wealth.

Which of these statements do you resonate with the most?

A few weeks ago, Trisha wanted to mulch the flower beds in our front yard. It was blazing hot outside and the last thing I really wanted to do was landscape. But for her, landscaping is her escape; it is something she really enjoys. So I went to Home Depot and bought 12 bags of mulch. As I was unloading them, I noticed something that I thought was odd. She wasn’t just removing the old mulch from the flowerbeds to prepare for the new mulch (like I would have done); she was taking a shovel and digging up by the roots every weed and every blade of grass. At one point, I said, “That seems like a lot of work.” She said, “If I don’t dig it up, it will just come right back.”

This is a principle that has been so true in my life. So often in my life, I have settled for removing what was visible above ground. I have noticed a problem, realized a sin issue, come face to face with a character flaw and have been content to cut it off at ground level. The problem is, it just comes right back.

Here is the tension…digging below ground level will cost you. Uncovering the root of your addiction, the root of your anger, the root of your lust, the root of your divorce, the root of your affair, the root of your debt, the root of your dysfunctional dating life will be painful. It will cost you.

So what happens for most of us is that we encounter some pain or embarrassment or shame from a mistake that is visible to others and we do our best to address it. We admit it; we tell our small group; we go to a few counseling sessions; we find an accountability partner; we get porn blocking software for our computer; we take an anger management class; we stop dating for 6 months…we endure the pain of the consequences of our mistake.

We promise we’ll never do that again; give in to that again; choose that again; be tempted by that again; compromise that again. In our hearts we really, really mean it. Then a few days, weeks, months later, we find ourselves back in the place we promised we’d never be.

Simply settling for the pain of our consequences impairs our desire to pursue the greater pain of healing and restoration. In order for something to be restored, it must be torn apart. But most of the time, we don’t really desire restoration as much as we do pain-free living. So we struggle with the same things over and over again; we fall into the same dysfunctional friendships and relationships and marriages. We make the same promises over and over, and wonder why God isn’t powerful enough to help us overcome our issues.

The life you long for is available. It comes with the cost of going below ground level and digging to the root. It will take more time. It will cost you more. It will be more painful than you can ever imagine. But the pursuit of this pain will actually lead to authentic life.

Have you been disappointed with the restoration you’ve found by settling for ground level?