This week at Leading and Loving It we’ve had the awesome opportunity to hear from some amazing women at the JustONE Virtual Conference about expectations we as pastors wives place on ourselves. Not only did I learn a lot, I felt challenged to ask myself several hard questions. But one question in particular kept coming to mind:

What expectations do I place on myself?

The crazy thing is the more I thought about this question the more I kept thinking of my husband, Justin. Holly Furtick spoke on “not ridding your husbands spiritual coattails” so maybe that’s why Justin keeps coming to mind. This conference after all is about me… right? So why do I keep coming back to him? But that’s just it; my first thought was of Justin because often times I expect things from him in ways God never designed him to give. This is the gray area of being led spiritually by our husbands and not living vicariously through them.

I’m writing at Leading and Loving It today. Click here to read the rest of the post:

I’ve (Trisha) been trying to write this post for the past week. When I try to write, my thoughts are so deep and heavy I’m afraid to put words to them. I’m searching for words to make my thoughts feel lighter and safe but I can’t. Instead I’m going for honest and raw and praying somehow Jesus will land them softly into your heart. I pray you will read the entire post knowing my words will get lighter.

I had no desire to go back into ministry after leaving our church plant in 2005. Like never. Ever! My husband Justin was making great money as an executive recruiter. I was a happy stay-at-home mom getting to finish my college degree. It had been four years of rest and restoration for our marriage and our family. I didn’t need to go back into ministry to feel my restoration was complete. I was content, happy and safe.

I’m writing today for ChurchPlanters.com. Read the rest of the this post by clicking HERE:  

We are so excited to be a part of “Velocity 2012″ put on by churchplanters.com. We have been blessed by Shawn and Tricia Lovejoy and their ministry to pastors. We can’t wait to be a a part.  Would love to see you there this February. For more information you can go HERE.  You can get 20% off of your registration by using the code: #velocity12JTDavis. Below is a post we did for their blog yesterday that I thought was pertinent for all of us as we begin the new year.

One of the most consistent enemies I have to my relationship with God is this thing called “control.” Control is my ability to believe that I can lead and guide my life, my marriage, my relationships better than God. Control always makes promises it can never keep. God doesn’t ask me to give up control because of what control will do to Him. God asks me to give up control because of what control does to me. Control will cost you. Here are three costs of control I have seen in my own life.

1. Control will deceive you.

Control will cause us to believe our earthly desires carry a heavenly purpose. God wants me to be happy. God wants me to be successful. God wants me to be comfortable. God wants me to have a bigger house. God wants me to get remarried. God wants me to have a good job. God wants me to be fulfilled. God wants me to be satisfied. It’s not that these things aren’t true; it’s that they aren’t as true as God’s ultimate desire for you. God wants you be holy more than he wants you to be happy. What happens is we begin to justify our decisions based on what we want, not on what God says or desires for us.

It’s why we end up thousands of dollars in debt. Control deceives us. It’s why someone reading this today is considering leaving their spouse for a guy at work. Control is deceiving you. It’s why there is a guy reading this today that has thought about leaving is wife and kids for the old girlfriend he’s talking to on Facebook…control is deceiving you. It’s why people spend 90 hours at work and very little time investing in their family…control deceives them. It’s why the bigger house didn’t make you a better husband. It’s why the nicer car doesn’t make you feel more successful. Control deceives us.

2. Control will exhaust you.

The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous lay out a way of life that is the greatest single vehicle to freedom for addicts of alcohol that this world has ever known.

This is what is interesting to me…in which of the 12 steps does it say, “Now try really hard not to drink.” None of them. The most powerful tool against the most powerful addiction in the world never asks people to decide to stop doing what they have to stop doing. They do not mobilize their will…they surrender their will.

Control will exhaust you. Control will convince you that you have to overcome your problem, your baggage, your wounds. You can behave your way to a better life; a better marriage; a better relationship. Jesus says surrender your life.

I heard Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback Church, say one time, “Most Christians think they become more like Christ by trying, but it actually happens by dying.” Maybe you are just tired today…you are exhausted from trying to control every aspect of your life; your marriage; your career.

3. Control will rob you.

Control will keep you up at night worried. Control will rob you of joy in your relationships. Control will cause you to lose hours, days, years of your life to stress and anxiety. Control will convince you that more money, more possessions, more relationships, more success will give you the life that God created you to have…and control will make you think you are gaining the whole world…while you lose your soul.

What do you need to let go of in 2012?

I’m ashamed about how many years I wasted being an insecure leader. I compared my leadership with others. I compared the size of my church with others. I compared my speaking ability with others. The problem with the comparison game is that you always lose…you will never be good enough.

Earlier this week, I read THIS BLOG post from my friend Shawn Lovejoy. I love this quote from the post:

We don’t need to become secure in our leadership; but in His! We must become secure in His ability to do everything HE wants to do in and through us! Sometimes we just need hear that. We need to be encouraged and reminded that God’s calling and His plan for our lives has not changed! It’s so important we get secure about who we are, who God as uniquely called us to be, and what God wants to do uniquely through us.

Shawn’s heart for pastors and church planters is one of the many reasons why Trisha and I are excited to be a part of the Velocity Conference.

It’s only $79 to register for the conference. If you are a pastor or church-planter, we hope to see you there. Find out mroe INFO HERE.

I learned a lot about this community yesterday.  Here is what I learned: A lot of us guys really want to lead our family spiritually, we just have no clue how to do it. I also realized that I am not alone and I’m not crazy. Spiritual leadership is hard.

I want to say upfront that I don’t have all the answers. I am very much in process and I get this wrong as much as I get it right. I also want to say that as a man and as the spiritual leader of your house, if you choose to engage in this area, it will change the entire climate and culture of your home. I’ve seen it happen in my family and God blows me away with His faithfulness and I lean into His leadership.

Here are some things I’m learning about leading spiritually:

1. Understand that leading is a calling.

If you are a Christ-follower and you are a husband and/or a dad, being a leader spiritually isn’t something you are asked to do, it is something that God has called you to do. That always sounded intimidating to me…until I realized this: God has never called anyone to do anything and not been with them and provided for them along the way. God cares more about your family than you do and yet He called you to lead…how cool is that. He longs to partner with you in that process. When I saw God as a partner in leading my family and not as a disappointed supervisor, it changed everything.

2. Be intentional.

There is a huge difference between good intentions and being intentional. For the first 10 years of my marriage, I had good intentions. I intended to be a good leader. It wasn’t until I became as intentional about leading my family as I am about leading at work that anything changed. For me, this has to do with time. I set aside time to be with my boys. We go to breakfast. I read books with them and discuss the books. (Sometimes the discussion questions at the end of the chapter give us something to talk about that we wouldn’t have otherwise.) My wife and I go on date nights. Nothing good usually happens by accident. We have to choose it.

3. Lead Relationally.

My friend Pete and I were talking the other day about how the greatest leaders we know have an ability to lead through a relationship. You follow them not because they make you follow, but because you have such a deep relationship, you want to follow. This principle applies to our spiritual leadership in our home. We’ve said for years, “Rules without relationship equals rebellion.” As I invest in my relationships with my wife and kids, they follow naturally, not just because I quote some verse of the Bible that says I’m the leader.

4. Be Vulnerable.

Admit when you don’t know the answer. Allow your kids to see you struggle to make a decision. Tell your wife that you don’t know which decision you should make but your greatest desire is to do what is right, not what is easy. When we pretend like we always have it together, we don’t allow our family to see our relationship with God grow and develop. We come off like we don’t need God to lead us because we always know the answer. For me, nothing is further from the truth. Being vulnerable makes you a better leader because it reveals your ultimate dependance on God.

5. Be a Servant.

Nothing earns more credibility for me as a leader with my wife and my boys more than when I serve. It is sad to admit how many opportunities I’ve missed to lead my family because I was unwilling to serve or so disengaged that I didn’t see the need they had to be served. Jesus was the master model of this. It is as we serve that we truly understand what it means to be a leader.

6. Get over it being uncomfortable.

Two nights ago our family had a really rough day. We went out to eat and as we were leaving the parking lot, I put the car in park and turned around and asked for everyone’s hand. I said, “I want to pray.” One of my boys pointed out how awkward it was praying in the middle of a parking lot. I did feel awkward. But I felt God prompt me to pray so I did it…despite it feeling uncomfortable…despite my kids rolling their eyes. It wasn’t a 20 minute prayer it was a 1 minute prayer, but it was listening to God’s voice and obeying, even when it feels uncomfortable.

This is a really long blog post and there are five other things I could say. I’m still learning everyday what spiritual leadership looks like. As the man in your home, as you go, so goes your family. We’re in this together.

What would you add to this list of being an effective leader?

I’ve always wanted to be a leader. From the time I was a kid I admired leadership. I wanted to be a leader at school. I wanted to be a leader on my teams. When I went to college, I learned that God placed a call in my life to be a leader in the Church. All of those leadership roles felt natural. All of those leadership roles were attractive. When Trisha and I got married, I remember hearing something that I had never heard before and it didn’t feel natural and it didn’t seem very attractive. I was told, “You are now the spiritual leader of your family.” Huh? What does that even mean?

As a newly married youth pastor, my leadership role in the church was well defined. There were books to guide me. There were conferences to grow me. There were others who had gone before me that I could watch and emulate. But when it came to leading my family spiritually, I had no clue what it meant; no clue where to start; and no clue where to go for help. Every time “being a spiritual leader of my home” would come up in conversation I would pretend I knew what that person was talking about, but I honestly had no idea. My pretending came to a halt in 2005.

When Trisha and I separated, one of the first things I began to realize was how easy it was for me to lead a growing church and how uncomfortable it was for me to lead my family. It was easy for me to pastor other people, just not my wife and kids. It felt natural to pray with a person after the service, just really awkward to pray with my wife before bed. Because it felt so weird, I just didn’t do it. Because I was so insecure as a spiritual leader, I just ignored that call on my life. I was a horrible spiritual leader.

What I’ve come to realize is a lot of guys struggle with this. Most guys, if we’re honest, aren’t leading ourselves, our wives or our families well. Here are some reasons why I think we struggle with being spiritual leaders:

1. We are unsure of ourselves.

The truth is that most of us are intimidated by the term “spiritual leader.” We are afraid of messing up. We are afraid of getting it wrong. We are afraid of not meeting expectations. We aren’t even sure what expectations of a spiritual leader are. We have convinced ourselves that a good spiritual leader is a perfect spiritual leader and we know we aren’t perfect. Because of our insecurity we become paralyzed and choose not leading over leading imperfectly.

2. We have equated providing with leading.

As guys, most of us think that because we provide for our family, we are leading our family. We say things like, “I am providing you with this house; your mini-van; vacations in the summer; what more do you want from me?” We fail to lead the way that God intends when we equate our role as a provider with our call to be a leader. Providing is part of our job as a leader, but not all of it.

3. We manipulate instead of lead.

Out of our own misconception of leadership and our own insecurity in our ability to lead, we default to manipulate our family instead of authentically lead our family. I did this for years and it wasn’t out of malice. I didn’t realize I was manipulating Trish, I thought I was leading her. The difference lies in this question, “Is this decision what I want or is this decision what God wants?”

4. We’ve never seen it modeled or taught.

Most of our dads were sub par spiritual leaders. 50% of us grew up in homes where our dad wasn’t around or we only saw him every other weekend due to our parents divorce. There weren’t classes on spiritual leadership in college…if there were we wouldn’t have taken it. So we’ve rarely had someone to look to or to ask advice from in this area.

Tomorrow, I’ll share with you what God has taught me and continues to teach me about spiritual leadership. My prayer is that just starting the conversation would grow each of us.

What would you add to this list?

Over the past few days, Trisha and I have shared two posts encouraging spouses to pursue one another. There is a weird dynamic that takes place in most marriages: most drift to a place of ordinary. We don’t intend to go there; we don’t set out to stop pursuing; it just kinda happens.

In my post, I gave three ways that husbands could pursue their wives.
Trish, shared three ways that wives could pursue their husbands.

Those two blog posts are good examples of a what you can expect with a new resource we are launching in a few months. In January, we are launching a new resource called MentorUs. The goal of each MentorUs email is to give practical, honest advice on how to move from the marriage we have to the marriage we desire. MentorUs is a weekly subscription you sign up to receive that will be delivered to your inbox. In addition to the practical advice of the content each week, there will be a Scripture to study with your spouse, discussion questions to talk about together and suggestions on how to immediately implement the principle discussed. Once per month, Trisha and I will send you a short video with teaching and discussion questions.

Between now and the end of the year, we are discounting by 50% the cost of a year’s subscription. We’d love for you to be a part of this practical, affordable, convenient resource that will equip you to be intentional in your marriage.

There is a huge difference between wanting to change and choosing to change. This resource is designed to help those who have chosen to change.

Click HERE for registration information

If Monday sent me crashing into an iceberg then Tuesday took me on a WILD adventure. This adventure started with Zumba, involved my little iPhone and ended on the back of a little red pick-up truck. It was one of the craziest expeditions of my life!

Those who know me know I have a little bit of an obsession with Zumba. I love to dance and there’s nothing better than dancing to Latin music! So you can imagine the joy that came over me when I was greeted by a marching band playing salsa music. They even had the sweetest little girl’s salsa dancing with tambourines in hand. Shawna and I may have gotten in on the action and did a little bit of dancing ourselves (videos coming soon). Just five minuets into this wild expedition and my face already hurt from smiling.

Oh wait… then I remembered I was in one of the poorest projects Compassion has in Guatemala. We spent some time at the project where we listened to children singing and shared a hug with every child who wanted one.

IT. WAS. AMAZING!!!

But wait…. then I remembered I was in one of the poorest projects so my face should be down cast and concerned, yet instead I was overwhelmed with JOY!

My adventure took a drastic turn as I hopped in the back of a red pick-up truck to visit truly the poorest of the poor. I thought I had already experienced that, but apparently I was wrong and this truck would take me to see things I don’t have words to describe. As we turned in to the neighborhood these streets made the streets I was just dancing on seem like newly paved roads.  They were a mess.

I took out my little iPhone to capture the scene. Lost for words I just rested my head on the roof of the truck and thought “Here is where the sadness is going to hit me”. 

But as quick as this thought came the quicker it left as I entered a shack of a home. Inside the fragile walls and rain-dripping roof was a family that I believe changed me more than I changed them. My little iPhone became a mirror for these two sweet boys to see how beautiful God made them. Created in HIS image. We had so much fun as their mother showed us her killer piñata skills while the boys and I made silly faces on my phone.

Here’s what I know. I know you don’t want to read another sad story of the poor. I totally get it. I know you are over feeling guilty over not taking a packet.  I used to feel that way too. But today I was forever changed. This wild adventure allowed me to discover a treasure I didn’t even know I was looking for. I found that even though poverty often times goes beyond our comprehension and makes us feel deep sadness THE JOY OF THE LORD KNOWS NO LIMITATIONS. Today I discovered that the JOY of the Lord is the strength of the poor.

I am thankful for Compassion and those of you who sponsor for giving a gift of $38 a month to bring the fruit of the spirit of Joy!

My prayer for you is that you will allow God to take you on a wild adventure to discover JOY in an area of your life that you have resigned in your heart that only despair can reside! May the joy of the Lord be your strength!!!

PS… its really late as I write so please forgive me for any crazy grammatical errors you may will find.

The thing that I love about God is that He is in the details. Well, that is one of the things I love about Him. Last year, Trisha wrote a post about finally taking a packet, and the difference that has made in her life and in our family’s life.

I remember early on in our marriage, we took some students to a concert and she raised her hand to receive a packet to sponsor a child. We didn’t get into a fight at the concert, but as soon as we got home I was quick to shut her down and remind her that we didn’t have any extra money to sponsor a child. It was something she sincerely felt like God was leading her to do, and I wasn’t willing to go along. It was a wound in our relationship. This was bigger than Compassion; this was bigger than a monthly sponsorship; this was about control and it plagued our marriage.

When our friend Lindsey went on a trip with Compassion last year, Trisha again felt prompted to sponsor a child and took a packet. I am so glad that she did. To see how God has used this to redeem a broken part of her heart and a broken part of our marriage has been awesome. I got to Skype with her last night, and there is a glow about her as she tells me the stories of all that Compassion in doing in some of the most challenging parts of the world.

Our marriage isn’t perfect. I still struggle with control freak issues and Trisha still struggles with anger issues. We don’t always get it right. But what I have seen God do through this act of obedience has blown me away. The spiritual life of our marriage and our family has grown and a wound that went all the way back to high school for Trisha and the first year of our marriage for me has been healed.

Sponsoring a child won’t fix your marriage. Listening to the prompting of God and being obedient will make a huge difference though. When we do that individually and as a couple we live life with no regrets. That is what I saw in the eyes of my wife last night…someone that is allowing God to use $38 per month in ways that are priceless.

Maybe there is a part of your heart or marriage that God longs to redeem through your willingness to say “yes”.

Six years ago this week, I was anything but a church leader. I was a church wounder. I was just a few days removed from telling my wife of 10 years that I no longer wanted to be married to her. I admitted to an affair that devastated every person that I loved and that loved me. I was living four miles from my house with a family friend, praying that God could put the pieces of my wife’s heart back together…the pieces I created when I shattered it.

I had worked so hard to be a church leader. I was so insecure that growing a large church for me was the one way I could guarantee respect. When you are driven by insecurity and fear, it doesn’t matter how successful or big your ministry is, it is never enough.

Six years ago ministry went away. Church leadership went away.

Over the past two years, God has blown us away with His provision and grace in restoring us back to ministry. The honor that I have to serve at Cross Point is something that I will never take for granted. The way that God has used RefineUs to reach into the heart of men and women and marriages is something that we thank God for everyday.

A few days ago, I received an email from ChurchLeaders.com asking permission to reprint an interview that we did for Outreach Magazine. The timing and the details washed over me. It is only by God’s unmerited redemption that He could use our story to help church leaders. It is only by His grace that church leaders could read of our struggles, know of my failures and realize that they are not alone. Church leaders hurt. Church leaders fail. Church leaders have problems in their marriage. Church leaders feel the pressure to not hurt, fail or have problems in their marriage. Our prayer is our story brings hope to church leaders.

As I reread the article they posted, I was reminded that God doesn’t have to redeem…He chooses to. My prayer is the article doesn’t just help church leaders lead better it inspires them to live better.

If you’d like to read the article or know of a church leader that needs a dose of hope today…here is the link:

My First Affair Was With The Church