We are going to launch a blog series this week called Mistakes that Hold You Back. Most of us that are married long to have a great marriage. Often times it isn’t the big, catastrophic things that hurt our marriage, it is the small mistakes we make without even noticing that keep us from having the marriage God has in mind. This week we are going to talk about four mistakes that most of us make in our marriage that if we recognize we can stop allowing them to hold us back from the amazing marriage we long for.

Our youngest son, Isaiah played Upward Basketball this past season. Upward is a Christ-centered athletic program that does a great job teaching the fundamentals of basketball while at the same time teaching the kids about God and sportsmanship.

To reinforce the value of sportsmanship, the league doesn’t keep score. So all during the game, no matter what time you look up at the scoreboard, the score is 0-0.

I decided to coach Isaiah’s team this year and this was our first year in the Upward program in Nashville. What I realized after our first game was that our team was good, like really good! We crushed the first team that we played…I mean, I assume we did, but I didn’t know the score.

At halftime of the second game, I was walking off the court to go talk to our kids at halftime and the opposing coach came up to me. He said, “Maybe you could take it easy on us in the second half. You guys are up 34-10.” I looked down and he had a notebook and had been keeping the score the whole time. After the game, we met the kids and parents in a room off of the gym to hand out snacks and recap the game. Every single kid knew the score, because their parents told them.

So while they weren’t keeping score…EVERYONE was keeping score.

The same thing happens in our marriages doesn’t it? You say you don’t keep score, but the truth is you know exactly how much you’re winning by. You know the score. You rehearse the score over and over in your mind. You know the last time they messed up. You remember the last time you won an argument. You know the chores they didn’t do. You know the last hateful thing they said. You know the week and month of the last time they promised to come home for dinner but were late. You say you aren’t keeping score, but in your heart, you know the score.

The problem with score keeping in marriage is that while it appears that one person wins and the other loses, the reality is that both people lose. The person that is keeping score is usually bitter and resentful and the person that constantly has the score thrown up in their face usually walks on eggshells and tries to avoid arguments.

Both spouses feel defeated and exhausted.

One of the biggest mistakes we made in our marriage was scorekeeping. The deceptive thing about scorekeeping is that it probably won’t cause divorce…but it will prevent you from having the marriage God has in mind and you long for.

What if there was no scoreboard? What if you truly started living as if 1 Corinthians 13:5 were true: Love keeps no record of wrongs.

Scorekeeping has no winner.

Is scorekeeping an issue in your marriage?

Hey guys! It is great to be back with you after we’ve taken a couple of months off. I know both Trisha and I definitely needed some time to recharge and refocus. God taught us both some things over the past few months that we are eager to share with you. Thanks for being a part of our community.

On Saturday, Trisha and I drove to Indianapolis and participated in the Indy Mini Marathon. Three years ago we registered for the this event and due to some injuries, we had to run the 5k instead of the 13.1 mile half marathon. So this race has been our goal since 2009.

Here are a few pics of our race. We had a blast, and tried to make it an experience and not just a race to run.

The race was going really well and Trish and I were running at a 12:00 minute pace. At each mile marker we would fist bump and congratulate one another…until we got to mile 10. At mile 10, the limited amount of training I did for the race caught up to me, and my legs started cramping up. Trish spent the next 5 minutes helping me stretch my legs. The next three miles would be at a much slower pace. We finished the race, but could have finished much faster had I been in better shape.

As I ran, I saw thousands of people in front of us. It was obvious that we weren’t going to win this race; but our goal wasn’t to win, it was to finish.

Our goal wasn’t just to finish it was to finish together. Finishing together was the win. 

We didn’t compare times with other people; we didn’t wish that we were somewhere else; we didn’t try to compete with or out perform other runners…we were just trying to finish.

How many times in our marriage do we focus so much on things that don’t matter as much as finishing together? We compare our marriage to other marriages; we compare our spouse with our friends’ spouse; we focus on our spouse’s faults and shortcomings that don’t matter nearly as much as finishing…together.

Maybe there is a lack of joy in your marriage right now. Maybe your sense of fulfillment is a distant memory.  Can I offer a few suggestions?

-Shift your focus from competing with your spouse to competing for your spouse.  Does your spouse feel that you are for them or against them? Do you feel your spouse is for you or against you? Seeing your marriage as a race to be run together rather than a competition between you and your spouse can make all the difference.

-Celebrate the mile markers along the way. A fist bump can go a long way. Too often we are so focused on what’s next or what’s wrong or what didn’t meet our expectations that we don’t take time to celebrate the journey along the way. Some mile markers you can never get back; celebrate them along the way.

-Wait for each other. There will be times that you are running at a different pace than your spouse. Rather than resenting them for not keeping up, stop and wait for them. The value you add in that process is priceless.

-Just finish. There will be times when it is painful; when it is messy; when it will feel like you can’t go on; when discouragement and dispare over take your heart. Dig deep and keep running.

As you run this race, know that we are running with you, and cheering for you along the way. 

Trisha and I became acquainted with Kasey Van Norman through our literary agent, Jenni Burke. We not only share an agent with Kasey, we share a publisher as well. Kasey’s first book, Named By God releases today from Tyndale House Publishers. As new authors,we reached out to Kasey and told her that we would be happy to review her book and help promote her book release. That day is TODAY!

Honestly, it was more of a kind gesture…I had no idea what to expect with her book.

A few weeks ago, Kasey sent us the digital version of the book. I downloaded it and before I even opened the first page, the sub title captured my heart. Named By God: Overcoming your past, transforming your present, embracing your future.

There isn’t a subtitle that fits more closely with what our RefineUs community is about. The book itself is just as good as its subtitle. If you’ve ever been haunted by your past; frustrated with your current circumstances or questioned God’s involvement in your future, this book is for you! This book is a powerful reminder that our past can be forgiven. Our hearts can be transformed. Change is possible. Healing is what God does best. God has named us and set us apart for a destiny that is far beyond what we could ask or imagine.

As a gift to our readers, Kasey sent us 3 signed copies to give away. Here is how you can enter to win:

1. Leave a comment below and let us know your name.

2. Copy and paste this to Twitter: Enter to win a FREE SIGNED copy of @KaseyVanNorman’s new book Named By God from @justindavis33 http://t.co/SIXxAHR9

3. If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can share it on Facebook by clicking HERE

On Friday, we’ll pick 3 winners and send you a free book!

Even if you don’t win, you can buy Kasy’s book on Amazon. You can also check out her WEBSITE.

When Trisha and I separated in 2005 due to my affair, one of the first things I realized was how easy it was for me to lead a growing church and how intimidating it was for me to lead my family. Because being a spiritual leader at home was so intimidating, I just didn’t do it. At this point of my life, I had no church to lead and no people to pastor, but by God’s grace I received a second chance with my wife and kids. I was desperate to get it right and be the spiritual leader that God called me to be. But what did that look like?

What I’ve come to realize is a lot of great leaders struggle with this. Most guys, if we’re honest, aren’t leading our wives, our families or ourselves well spiritually. Here are some reasons why I think we struggle with being spiritual leaders outside of our role in ministry:

I have the honor of posting on the Catalyst Blog today. Continue Reading by clicking HERE: 

In 2008, Trisha and I sat in Pete Wilson’s living room visiting with he and Brandi for the weekend. Our families had been friends for several years and he and Brandi were instrumental in the restoration of our marriage. We had been out of ministry for three years and had no aspirations about going back into ministry. One night as we sat and talked around the fireplace, Pete made a promise to us. He said, “God is going to call you back into ministry, and I promise I will do anything I can to help you follow that calling.” Trish and I thought he was crazy. He has followed through with that promise over and over again!

Four years later, I have the honor of not only doing life with one of my best friends, but serving as a pastor at the church he leads, Cross Point Church. He has done so much to encourage, uplift and help Trisha and me, we wanted to do all we could to help him launch his new book, Empty Promises today.

I love this book because it gets to the heart of something we all struggle with: Looking to other things to bring us the contentment and satisfaction that only God can provide. 

We are  giving away 5 AUTOGRAPHED COPIES of Empty Promises this week!

Here’s how to qualify for the giveaway!

1. Leave a comment with your name and where you live. We’ll randomly select the winners on Friday.

2. Tweet, Facebook or Email this: Win a signed copy of @pwilson’s new book, Empty Promises from @justindavis33: http://tinyurl.com/bpqfrku 

That’s it…its that easy! (Let us know in the comment that you’ve shared the post)

Even if you don’t win the book, you can order the book through Amazon by clicking HERE

You can check out the video trailer for the book by going HERE. 

If you’re a faithful reader of our blog I’m sure you’ve noticed that we have had the same post up for several days. At the end of this month Justin and I will turn in our manuscript for our very first book, Anything But Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Isn’t Good Enough. Our book is being published by Tyndale Publishing and will release in February 2013.

In addition to our book, we’ve been asked to speak in several different environments…from churches to marriage conferences to leadership conferences. It’s been a mind-blowing year of what God has chosen to do with RefineUs Ministries. Our blog and our book were both birthed out of a desire to help restore hope and renew relationships. Whether they are marriages that are in crisis or marriages that just need a bit of guidance, it’s been amazing to see life change take place.

We also love our friends that aren’t married that read our blog and understand that the heart of what we write about isn’t as much about marriage as it is about personal life transformation. Our single friends have been some of the most encouraging cheerleaders for us to continue doing what we do.

One thing that Justin and I have been consistent with on this blog is being honest and vulnerable. This post is no different.

Although it’s been an amazing three years leading this blog and ministry if we are honest with you Justin and I are tired. Really tired. What we do and the majority of the people we work with are at a place of entering into crisis or just recovering from crisis. Our emails come fast and furious and are heart wrenching.

In order to write our book Justin and I have had a blast thinking through our almost twenty years together. Although our book is NOT about an affair there is a chapter that is about the affair. There is so much to be thankful while at the same time we have felt afresh just how much has been lost. It’s been an amazing and yet and exhausting process.

The past three months we have witnessed heartbreaking separations and even some divorces of good friends. Statistically speaking, half of the marriages in our congregation at Cross Point will end in divorce. The need and heartbreak extend well beyond our church walls, and into the lives of the thousands of people that read our blog each week.

For us each couple represents a family, kids whose lives are forever changed through heartbreaking choices that their parents make.  It’s just hard and sad to watch over and over again. It seems the “BIG C” church is so used to divorce that we have perfected “Divorce Care” yet have little to offer for “lets not get to the point where we want to get divorced” care.

As Justin and I have spent time in prayer we’ve realized that we need some time to pour into our own marriage beyond writing a book together, doing ministry together, and parenting together. When you lead from a place of exhaustion you lead with a “chip” on your shoulder rather than God leading. When you lead tired you think the worst of people and have a hard time bouncing back from criticism. Justin and I have felt this rear its ugly head off and on over the past few weeks.

The word that God kept bringing to both Justin and I is Sabbath. So we are doing what every marketing expert, blog guru and strategist would say not to do…We are taking a Sabbath from our blog and email.

The reality is that when Justin confessed to the affair on a Sunday afternoon we NEVER went back yet church still happened next week! Although I am thankful for this blog I know that we aren’t the only ones doing effective marriage ministry. Jesus is STILL at work regardless if I am or not. What I do know is that I need to be obedient to God even when it doesn’t make sense.

So with that, not only are we announcing the completion of our book,  but also that Justin and I will be going on a nine-week sabbatical from our blog. We will continue to speak at our various speaking engagements and finding rest in the in-between.  We will be back MONDAY MAY 7^th and we’re really excited for what God will speak to us that we will be able to then share with you!

Thank you for your love and support!

Justin and Trish

On Tuesday, Trisha and I had the opportunity to speak at the Velocity Conference in Atlanta. (Thank you guys so much for your prayers and your words of encouragement.) We spoke to about 800 church leaders. It was an out of body experience. Three years ago, we lived in Indianapolis, not sure if God would open a door to return to ministry, and on Tuesday, spoke to ministry leaders. Only God.

In the introduction of our message, I shared that this June marks the 10 year anniversary of Trisha and I starting Genesis Church. Ten years ago we sold everything we owned. Ten years ago we moved to a community where we knew four people. Ten years ago we leveraged everything for a vision that God had laid on our heart. God started to bless our young church…in some incredible ways.

Then, three years into our dream, I chose to have an affair, and not only gave up my part of that vision, but cost my wife and so many dear friends their part of that vision too.

After we spoke, I was surprised at the most common question I was asked. “Do you regret your decision? If you could go back and undo your choice, would you?”

Unexpectedly, a flood of emotions ran through my heart and mind. Of course I regret my choices! Of course I wish I could take it back! Of course I wish things would have turned out differently! Of course I want to take back all the pain and hurt I caused so many! Regret overwhelmed me.

Then God spoke to my heart about the truth of regret: Living in regret is fools gold.

-Regret convinces you that you have the power to change the past if you feel bad enough, long enough.
-Regret robs you of the gift of grace by trying to get you to make up for your mistakes.
-Regret leads you into a place of shame and guilt and leaves you there wishing things could be different. 
-Regret defeats the spirit of forgiveness and freedom that Jesus died to give you.

Regret isn’t the same as remorse.

Remorse is defined as “deep and painful contrition.” Remorse is being sorry, not for the consequences of sin, but for the act of sinning. Remorse ushers in grace; makes way for redemption; prepares us for healing.

Regret and remorse are totally different.

Maybe you’ve not been authentically remorseful for a choice you made or a sin you committed. What you need is remorse but what you’ve settled for  is regret.

Regret haunts you. Regret robs you of love and joy and peace and you are exhausted. You have convinced yourself if you feel bad enough, long enough, you can make up for it.

You can’t make up for it. No matter how hard you try.

But Jesus can.

You can’t change the past, but you can stop allowing your past regrets rob you of the future God has for you.

When we get married, our vision for marriage is a to have a covenant relationship. We are making a promise. We recite vows. We promise to be there. We promise to love unconditionally. We promise in sickness and in health. We are not signing a contract, we are making a promise. We are reciting a covenant that comes from the depth of our heart. This covenant feels right. This covenant feels holy. This covenant feels ordained.

But something happens to most marriages over time. The unconditional love we promised, starts being conditional. The list of things we loved about our spouse slowly drifts to a list of things that irritate us. We aren’t getting what we are putting in. This isn’t what we signed up for. This isn’t what we agreed to. Our covenant relationship has slowly become a contractual agreement.

Here are some signs your marriage is more of a contract than a covenant:

1. Comparison:

You are so disappointed in who your spouse is that you compare them with someone else. You wish they were more handy like so and so’s husband. You wish they could cook like so and so’s wife. You compare them with someone you work with…they don’t listen that well, understand you that much. The comparison game is a dangerous one to play.

2. If-Then Relationship

You will take out the trash if she will do the laundry. You will pick up the kids from school if she will let get off your back about going golfing. There are conditions attached to sexual intimacy. Conditions attached to time spent together. You keep score and you usually win. No one wins in the if-then marriage. You can never do enough.

3. Walking on Egg-Shells

When you are in a contractual marriage you are constantly worried about starting a fight. You walk on egg shells when you get home from work. You walk on egg shells on the weekends. You’re goal is to get through a day, a weekend, a week without an argument. You know your spouses hot buttons and do everything you can to not push them.

4. Score Keeping

In a contractual marriage you always know the score. You know how many times you’ve served them; you’ve given in; you’ve said you’re sorry; you’ve not gotten you way. You keep score of purchases; arguments and times you’ve given something against your will. Your desire isn’t to experience intimacy with your spouse, but to win the score keeping game. (There is no winner in a score keeping marriage.)

God’s vision for your marriage is a covenant not a contract. He longs to have your relationship with your spouse mirror His relationship with you. When you least deserved it, He sacrificed for you. A covenant is an unconditional promise that has no end.

Maybe the best thing you can do for your marriage today is evaluate which type of relationship you have and which type do you want to have.

An honest answer
is like a kiss of friendship. Proverbs 24:26

For the first 32 years of my life, I struggled with honesty. I told the truth, but would exaggerate sometimes. It started with lies to my parents about who spilled milk on the floor in the kitchen, then where I was going on a Friday night. I would fudge the truth with friends on what colleges I was being recruited by to play basketball, I’d lie to professors when asked if I’d read the assignment they had given.

I graduated from college and went into ministry, but honest answers weren’t consistent. I’d lie about how many kids were at youth group. I’d lie to people I didn’t want to do dinner with and tell them I was busy. I’d tell people I didn’t get their message when I had listened to it and didn’t return their call.

My wife wasn’t spared from my stretching of the truth. I’d often tell her I’d be home at a certain time, and consistently show up late. I tell her we had the money to make a purchase when I knew if we spent the money it would have to be taken from another area. I’d over book our calendar and tell her I told her about a dinner we had to go to when I’d never had that conversation.

I rationalized my lies with “They aren’t really hurting anyone. No one will ever find out. They’re just exaggerations.” No one ever sets out to become a liar. No one ever sets out to not be trustworthy. No one ever dreams of having people question what they say because you have exaggerated so much.

I love how the Message translation puts this verse: “An honest answer is like a warm hug.”

Truth is inviting. Truth builds up. Truth is the foundation of relationship. My prayer is that God would allow me to be a person of truth. That when I speak people feel the warmth of truth. When I say something people receive it as though they are hearing it from a friend.

How are you at truth telling? Is there lack of warmth in some relationships because you are withholding truth or stretching the truth?

Who do you need to give a warm hug to this week by giving an honest answer?

Everyone deals with insecurity differently. I spent most of my adult life trying to pretend my insecurity away. I pretended to be better than I really was. I acted like I was closer to God than I really was. I dressed like I had more money than I really had. I spoke with more confidence than I really had. I portrayed that I was a better husband than I really was. Most people would tell me that I struggled with pride, but it was a false pride, born out of insecurity.

I wasted so many days, weeks, months, years worried about what other people thought of me. I can remember speaking on a Sunday morning, and not getting as many compliments as I needed, so I’d go and ask people if they thought it was good. I have bought things I couldn’t afford to impress people I didn’t even like. I’ve said things that weren’t true to cause someone to think I was more important, or more gifted or wiser than I really am. I’ve worried myself sick over what someone thought of clothes that I wore or a comment that I made or a message I preached.

Insecurity will put you in a prison of second guessing. It will infiltrate your friendships. It will erode the intimacy of your marriage. Insecurity will convince you that you aren’t good enough so you better pretend to be better than you really are, and in that moment the YOU that God longs for you to be is lost.

The only cure I’ve found for insecurity is admitting just how insecure you are. It is ironic, actually. The greatest weapon against insecurity is to say, “I’m not secure in who I am.” It is in that moment, God has the room He needs to be all you’ve pretended to be.

Have you seen insecurity rob you of the person God’s created you to be?