We want to pray for you this weekend. As a couple…as a community, let’s come around one another and encourage one another in prayer. So often I think we try to fix our issues, we try to pretend our problems away. But I love this passage in James:

Confess your sins to one another and pray for each other, that you might be healed.     James 5:16

Healing comes as we share our burdens with one another and pray for one another. So we invite you to leave a comment. You don’t have to leave your full name or even a real email address. Leave your prayer request and we will be praying for you. God knows your heart. Mighty things can happen this weekend as we pray and encourage one another.

How can we pray for you?

This weekend was insane.

I had to be in Atlanta on Friday at 8:00 am for a meeting. Trish spent the day working on a chapter of our book. We met at 8:30 PM Friday night at Micah’s school, after I drove for 4 hours back from Atlanta. I moved my suitcase from my car to our van and we left for Indianapolis. We decided to drive 5 hours to Indy to spend 8 hours experiencing Superbowl XLVI and then drive 5 hours back to Nashville.

This was not a rational thought. There was nothing rational about driving 10 hours to spend 8 hours in Indianapolis.

It was nuts and that was the point.

I want to do things with my kids that are irrational at times.

We bought tickets to the NFL Experience and cheered each other on as we tried to kick a field goal. We went out for a pass. We did the 40 yard dash. We saw the city that has been home to us for most of my kids life transformed into the epicenter of awesome for the stinking Superbowl! It was amazing!!

As a parent, I say, “no” more than I say, “yes”. It is my responsibility to be rational.

Memories aren’t usually made by being rational.

It’s why this summer when Micah and I were in Florida and he said to me, “I really wish we could be with mom in Michigan tomorrow for my birthday, we drove 17 hours through the night to surprise Trisha at church camp. Not because it made sense, but because we made a memory.

Sometimes the best thing you can do as a parent is say, “Yes.” Yes to something crazy. Yes to something impractical. Yes to a road trip. Yes to building a fort in the living room. Yes to sleeping outside. Yes to something that seems irrational and doesn’t make sense.

We won’t be remembered for how much we made sense, but how often we made memories.

Here is the video of us juking Troy Polamalu:

Superbowl in Indy from RefineUs Ministries on Vimeo.

In 1998 Trisha and I moved from Saint Charles, Illinois to Kokomo, Indiana. This move, in my mind would be the move that made everything better. Our son Micah was two years old, Trisha was pregnant with Elijah, and our marriage of three years wasn’t going how either of us envisioned it would go. This move was going to be special because we were going to be moving from a $800 per month, 800 sq. ft apartment to a $525 per month, 1200 sq. ft house that we were buying! We were buying our first house.

In my mind, this would solve everything. Our house had a yard, it had neighbors, it had privacy, it had sidewalks, it had space. We were going to own it. I was convinced that this house would fix Trish. This house would solve our problems; this would would reduce the frequency of our arguments. This house would cover all of the things we disagreed about.

I soon came to realize that our first house didn’t fix it.

The truth is that we can never expect an external thing to fix internal problems. That just won’t happen.

So often when people are having marriage problems, they have this belief that if we just had this or if we just accomplished that or if we just got this or just moved there, then the problems in our relationship will go away or be solved. Our marriage will be better when:

• I get that promotion
• We get out of debt
• We move to a bigger house
• I finish my degree
• We make more money
• We move closer to “home”
• We have a baby

Babies are great. But a baby won’t fix it. A baby won’t fix the distance you feel. A baby won’t restore trust when trust has been broken. A baby won’t help you be more honest with each other. A baby won’t bring you closer spiritually. A baby won’t help you forgive. A baby won’t cause him to pursue you more. A baby won’t fix it.

We can’t count on something external, whatever that something is, to fix an internal problem.

There are two things that will fix what is wrong with your marriage.

• Pursuing God
• Pursuing your spouse

When you do those two things, you allow what is broken in your heart, in your relationship, in your soul to begin to find healing. You begin to move closer to God and closer to your spouse and in that process you begin to address the issues that you have rather than counting on a new house or a job promotion to cover those issues up.

A baby won’t fix it. But your pursuit of God and your spouse can.

Every few months, we get emails from different publishers or literary agents asking if we would be willing to review a book that their author has published. We only say yes when the book is something we are interested in or could be a resource for you.

A few weeks ago, we got an email about a book called Sons of Grace. Honestly, I had never heard of the author, Mark Hughes, (author of Buzz Marketing) but the title of the book intrigued me. The request wasn’t for us to review the book or promote the book, but simply asked for our address so they could send me a copy of the book to read. I agreed and a few days later, received the book in the mail.

Redemption is a story only God can write. That is what makes redemption so beautiful…it is God’s thing. He is the master of redemption. He is the author of grace. As I started reading Sons of Grace, I was captured by the story of redemption. Not just one story, but 10 stories.

Sons of Grace is a book of stories. It is a collection of personal encounters with Jesus that redeem and restore in unmistakable ways. Hughes allows nine men to share their story of grace and second chances. The stories are not only compelling, but they remind me of my own need for grace.

A gang member that is serving a 50 year sentence in prison for murder, turned himself in after he felt God speak to Him and now serves as a pastor in prison. There is the story of a guy finding Christ after being in the Mafia. A former drug addict. A father that is angry with God because of the loss of his son.

The best way I can describe this book is: real, raw and redemptive.

What I loved as well is that Hughes shares his story in the final chapter. He didn’t murder anyone. He hasn’t served time in prison. He was a successful business executive and author, but a lousy husband. In fact, he almost lost his marriage because he was so in love with himself. His story of grace and life change hit home with me.

After reading the book, I got really excited about partnering with Mark and his team to help get the word out about this collection of grace stories. Next week, I’ll be interviewing Mark and sharing that with you.

Today, I’m excited that Mark and his team are allowing us to  give away the PDF version of Sons of Grace. 

No strings attached. Completely free!

Download Sons of Grace Here

What if your biggest mistake was known by everyone? What if the worst mistake you’ve ever made was on every news channel; on every web site; on the front page of every news paper; was the lead story on every network?

What if your darkest moment was on display for everyone to see; to criticize; to pronounce judgment?

As a human being, as a father and as a sex abuse victim myself, there is no way that I condone the choice Joe Paterno made to not do more to protect children from Jerry Sandusky. That was a huge mistake. There is no excuse for that choice. None.

But why is it easy for us to magnify a person’s failure and minimize their accomplishments? Why are we quick to point to all that is wrong with a person and overlook all the good they tried to do in their lifetime?

Why is it easy to forget about the sin that rages in our hearts and salivate at the opportunity to point out someone else’s sin?

Sexual abuse takes place in our world every day. Sexual abuse takes place in our city every single day. Statistically speaking, sexual abuse takes place in most of our neighborhoods every single day. I have done nothing about it this week; this month; this year. I am not aware of a specific instance, but I am aware of it. How responsible am I?

It makes me sad that we feel better remembering a person for the mistakes that they made rather than the good they have done.

Maybe the truth is we try to make our own legacy look better by pointing out the imperfections of others. If the truth were told about each of us, we all have a tainted legacy.

When we truly focus on the grace given to us by Christ, we are able to see our own need for a second chance and live with eternal gratitude for it. 

I wish there was a magic pill that made healing easier than it is. I wish there was a magic pill that would give people the marriage they desire. I wish there was a magic pill that restored broken relationships between parents and their kids. I wish there was a magic pill that made the pain of abuse go away. I wish there was a magic pill that made everything better.

So often in my life, I convince myself that there is a magic pill to take. Even though it has taken me years to get into debt, I think I should be able to get out in a matter of weeks. Even though my marriage has been on a slow decline for years, I can’t understand why the magic pill of “I’m sorry” or one counseling session doesn’t fix it. Even though I have had a sexual addiction for more than a decade, I convince myself that putting software on my computer will solve my problem.

There is no doubt God can heal. We have experienced it personally and in our marriage. But healing, the type of healing that you desire, is a process not a magic pill. It is often difficult and it almost always takes more courage than we have; more time than we want to give; and more of God in more of our heart.

While there isn’t a magic pill there is a path that is available, if you will choose it.

-Surrender: Giving up your desire to control. Giving up your will to try harder. Admitting you have no ability and no power and surrendering your heart and life to Christ.

-Honesty: Most of us don’t experience healing in an area of our life because continue to tell lies to ourself. We fail to admit our weaknesses. We do our best to talk our way out of our mistakes. We justify our poor choices. We make excuses for our failures. Healing comes when we are willing to be honest with one person: ourselves. We remain incapable of telling others the truth when we continue to lie to ourself.

-Transparency: Intimacy in a relationship is only limited by the amount of transparency in that relationship. When transparency is compromised, so is intimacy. The healing of our heart is tied to our willingness to be transparent.

-Trust: Our ability to trust and be trusted is the foundation for moving forward in our relationship with God; with our spouse; with others; even with ourself. The greatest feeling in the world is actually being the person others perceive you to be. A life with no pretending is the birthplace of trust.

-Pursuit: You will not drift into healing, you will have to pursue it. You will have to fight for it. Healing doesn’t come easy; it means forgiving; it means late nights; it means hard conversations; it means coming to terms with your past. You will have to chase down healing. Pursue it.

There is no magic pill…but there is a path.

The great news today is God promises to be with you every step of the way. He is fighting for you more than you are fighting for you.

For years Trisha and I had the same belief about one another that became a self-fulfilling prophesy and left both of us frustrated and defeated. My guess is that there are so many people that struggle with this same feeling every single day.

You say it under your breath. You scream it as you slam a door. You say it as you throw up your hands and walk away. This feeling makes its way to the surface in arguments. It creates a sense of resignation. It makes you feel like you fight about the same thing over and over and over again.

Here is the feeling that most husbands and wives live with every single day: No matter what I do, it is never good enough.

Ever felt that way?

-No matter how much money I make she’s never satisfied.

-No matter how nice our house is, its not big enough.

-No matter how often we have sex, its never often enough.

-No matter what I wear, it’s not good enough.

-No matter what chores I do, I never do them good enough.

-No matter what I make for dinner, it just not enough.

-No matter how much I give, I don’t give enough.

-No matter how much I listen, I never listen enough.

It is amazing how two people can live in the same house, commit their lives to one another and always feel inadequate. When what you give always comes up short, why give so much?

Maybe the feelings of defeat you feel are the same feelings your spouse is feeling. This weekend could be a turning point. You could go out this weekend and instead of complaining about all that your spouse isn’t, share with them all that they are. That could be a game changer…for you and for them.

Have a great weekend.

stew·ard·ship [stoo-erd-ship]

“The responsible overseeing and protection
of something considered worth caring for and preserving.”

2012 how did you get here so fast and where did the past twelve years go?

In the year 2000, Justin and I celebrated five years of marriage. Within those first five years we moved six times, had two baby boys and worked at three different churches. I feel tense just writing that. Needless to say, our marriage struggled through the constant state of change.

Four years and another baby boy later we had finally started to find our rhythm. Parenting newborns and toddlers had become familiar. We began our lives as church planters with nine years of ministry under our belt. Life was good. Life was familiar. Life was becoming manageable.

Looking back on sixteen years it is nothing short of a miracle that we are still married. Yes, I know we talk a lot about the lessons learned through the affair but we had so many other dysfunctional issues that we were clueless to the power they had over our relationship. Hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back at all the mistakes we made makes me wish I could go back in time.

But I can’t

And

You can’t

Over the past several years the week between Christmas and New Year’s we spend some time individually, as a couple and as a family dreaming for the future. We list out attainable goals. This year has been especially hard on me as a mom knowing that some of our family goals include preparing for our oldest to leave for college in just 3 short years. I have thought a lot about the past fifteen years with my boys and wish I could freeze time.

But I can’t

And

You can’t (wait if you can email me!)

As Justin and I finished writing out goals such as, Justin loosing forty pounds, my need to set and stick to office hours and both of us running a half-marathon together, the word that kept coming to mind is Stewardship. As the days with my children continue to quickly pass, both Justin and I want to:

-Steward our time with family, friends and mentors.
-Steward our money to be able to give away more and live on less.
-Steward our influence with hope that more people will experience the love and grace that is found in Jesus.

In each of these areas of our life we want to responsibly oversee and protect all that God has entrusted to us. What is true for me is true for you. We can’t change the past. We can’t stop time. But we can steward the life God has given us right now.

My prayer for you in 2012 is that no matter where you find yourself you will let go of the past and steward your future.

What is one goal you have for 2012?

It is so much easier writing about what used to be than writing about what is.

January 3, 2012…I am four pounds away from my heaviest weight, ever. Just typing that brings up feelings of shame and embarrassment. I’ve written in the past about avoidance being my drug of choice…the past few months I’ve been avoiding the scale. I wanted to lose weight, I really did.

One of my goals for 2011 was to lose 50lbs. In June of last year, I had procrastinated enough, it was time to act. One of the owners of Boost Fitness goes to Cross Point and wanted to help me achieve that goal. He came up to me after one of our services and offered to personally train me. I’ve never had a personal trainer. I went in and they did an assessment of my current physical condition and it was worse than I thought. I wanted to change. I wanted to be different. Jon was committed to helping me. I started going 3 times a week and he was kicking my butt. If you’ve ever seen The Biggest Loser and seen the contestants crying and snotting and sweating…that was me. He killed me. On the off days of Jon’s training I would run 3 miles.

I started dropping weight like crazy. I lost like 28 lbs. in the first 8 weeks. Then I started traveling and life got busy and things came up and I stopped going to the gym. I pulled a hamstring playing basketball so I couldn’t run for a few days. Then a few days became a week and a week became two. I started justifying compromising my diet and would think, “This bowl of cereal won’t cost me that much.” “I’ve lost 28 lbs…I won’t gain it back with this candy bar.”

It was a weird thing…when I stopped working out and stopped meeting Jon at the gym, I started gaining weight. That was so wild! I couldn’t understand…my desire to lose weight was just as strong. I still wanted to lose weight, but my commitment faded. I wanted the benefits of working out, without working out. Life doesn’t work that way does it. That reality came crashing home on Monday of this week when I went back to visit Jon and many of my measurements were worse than they were back in June. Everyone has desire, but what I need more than desire is commitment.

We all desire change, right? It’s why you read blogs; it’s why you go to church; it’s why you pray; it’s why you read books; we all desire change. But so often in our life our commitment to change is much less than our desire to change.

What if your commitment to change started matching your desire to change? If your commitment to change matched your desire to change what would be different about you?

If your commitment to be generous matched your desire to be generous, you would give more. You would write a check. You would give your time.

If your commitment to overcome an addiction matched your desire to overcome an addiction you would admit you are addicted; you would tell someone about your addiction; you would seek help in overcoming that addiction.

If your commitment to be honest matched your desire to be honest you would not just be accountable in your life; you would choose to be transparent. You would have hard conversations. You would tell the truth even when it would be easier to lie.

If your commitment to your marriage matched your desire to have a better marriage, you would invest in your marriage more; you would pursue your wife; you would make time for your husband; you would value your marriage over money or career advancement. You would be intentional and not just have good intentions.

When our commitment to change is less than our desire to change…we won’t change.

I don’t want to lose one more day desiring something that I am not committed to. I don’t want that for you either. Today is the day of commitment. So is tomorrow and the next day and the next.

This video is a reminder to us that God specializes in new beginnings. If you are hoping for a new start in 2012, this video could be for you. It may feel like it’s over, but it’s not over.