This weekend was insane.

I had to be in Atlanta on Friday at 8:00 am for a meeting. Trish spent the day working on a chapter of our book. We met at 8:30 PM Friday night at Micah’s school, after I drove for 4 hours back from Atlanta. I moved my suitcase from my car to our van and we left for Indianapolis. We decided to drive 5 hours to Indy to spend 8 hours experiencing Superbowl XLVI and then drive 5 hours back to Nashville.

This was not a rational thought. There was nothing rational about driving 10 hours to spend 8 hours in Indianapolis.

It was nuts and that was the point.

I want to do things with my kids that are irrational at times.

We bought tickets to the NFL Experience and cheered each other on as we tried to kick a field goal. We went out for a pass. We did the 40 yard dash. We saw the city that has been home to us for most of my kids life transformed into the epicenter of awesome for the stinking Superbowl! It was amazing!!

As a parent, I say, “no” more than I say, “yes”. It is my responsibility to be rational.

Memories aren’t usually made by being rational.

It’s why this summer when Micah and I were in Florida and he said to me, “I really wish we could be with mom in Michigan tomorrow for my birthday, we drove 17 hours through the night to surprise Trisha at church camp. Not because it made sense, but because we made a memory.

Sometimes the best thing you can do as a parent is say, “Yes.” Yes to something crazy. Yes to something impractical. Yes to a road trip. Yes to building a fort in the living room. Yes to sleeping outside. Yes to something that seems irrational and doesn’t make sense.

We won’t be remembered for how much we made sense, but how often we made memories.

Here is the video of us juking Troy Polamalu:

Superbowl in Indy from RefineUs Ministries on Vimeo.

stew·ard·ship [stoo-erd-ship]

“The responsible overseeing and protection
of something considered worth caring for and preserving.”

2012 how did you get here so fast and where did the past twelve years go?

In the year 2000, Justin and I celebrated five years of marriage. Within those first five years we moved six times, had two baby boys and worked at three different churches. I feel tense just writing that. Needless to say, our marriage struggled through the constant state of change.

Four years and another baby boy later we had finally started to find our rhythm. Parenting newborns and toddlers had become familiar. We began our lives as church planters with nine years of ministry under our belt. Life was good. Life was familiar. Life was becoming manageable.

Looking back on sixteen years it is nothing short of a miracle that we are still married. Yes, I know we talk a lot about the lessons learned through the affair but we had so many other dysfunctional issues that we were clueless to the power they had over our relationship. Hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back at all the mistakes we made makes me wish I could go back in time.

But I can’t

And

You can’t

Over the past several years the week between Christmas and New Year’s we spend some time individually, as a couple and as a family dreaming for the future. We list out attainable goals. This year has been especially hard on me as a mom knowing that some of our family goals include preparing for our oldest to leave for college in just 3 short years. I have thought a lot about the past fifteen years with my boys and wish I could freeze time.

But I can’t

And

You can’t (wait if you can email me!)

As Justin and I finished writing out goals such as, Justin loosing forty pounds, my need to set and stick to office hours and both of us running a half-marathon together, the word that kept coming to mind is Stewardship. As the days with my children continue to quickly pass, both Justin and I want to:

-Steward our time with family, friends and mentors.
-Steward our money to be able to give away more and live on less.
-Steward our influence with hope that more people will experience the love and grace that is found in Jesus.

In each of these areas of our life we want to responsibly oversee and protect all that God has entrusted to us. What is true for me is true for you. We can’t change the past. We can’t stop time. But we can steward the life God has given us right now.

My prayer for you in 2012 is that no matter where you find yourself you will let go of the past and steward your future.

What is one goal you have for 2012?

Every Christmas since I was 8 years old, I have ended the gift giving and unwrapping with the phrase, “This was the best Christmas, EVER!” I truly believe that that specific Christmas was better than any before it. While that may or may not be true, Christmas of 2007, I gave the best Christmas gift, ever!

I had been out of ministry for two years and I had a really good year at my sales job. I wanted to do something special and something that would blow Trisha’s mind. On Christmas morning, I gave her two tickets to see Les Miserables. Trisha had seen the musical when she was in high school in Chicago and it was her favorite musical of all time. When she opened the box, she looked more confused than excited…she was confused because that show hadn’t been on Broadway in years. What she didn’t know was it was back! Back for a 25th anniversary showing for a limited time on Broadway in New York. She was stunned.

The day after Christmas, we flew to New Jersey; took the train to New York; went to dinner at a very nice restaurant; went to see Les Miserables on Broadway; stayed up all night walking around New York city; then flew home the next day. It was truly the best Christmas present I’ve ever given. (And now that we are back in ministry, it will be the best present I will ever give. )

I thought it would be fun today to brag on ourselves a little. What is the best Christmas present you have ever given?

Share with us today…the best gift you’ve ever given?

Today’s post is the last of the five part series here at RefineUs talking about parenting. One of the things I’ve learned over the past six years is finding my identity in anything other than Christ, causes me to compromise relationships to maintain that identity. The truth about both Trisha and myself is that for years we found our identity in ministry.

5. I was more in love with being Jesus than sharing Jesus. 

There is a desire in all of us to be significant…to have value and purpose. That desire is God-given and at its core, good. In my life and in our marriage, we took on the burden of not just sharing the love of Jesus with others, but being Jesus in their lives.

• We had to be at an event or people wouldn’t come.
• We had to have a certain couple over for dinner or they would leave the church
• I had to be at a meeting or it wouldn’t be successful
• I had to speak as many times a year as possible or the church may stop growing

I remember the first time we sat the boys down in December 2005,  to talk to them about the timing of me moving back home. We had just come back from a counseling appointment and felt like the time was right to begin this conversation. Our boys were ages 9, 6 and 3 at the time so our youngest wasn’t a part of this conversation. It was the two older boys and Trisha and myself. At this point, all they knew were two things: dad thought he wanted to be married to someone else; mom and dad still love each other and want to stay married. They had no other context for our problems. I wanted them to undertand a bigger story; my whole story.

I started to share with the boys that when I moved back home some things were going to change. We weren’t going to watch the same TV shows that we watched before. We were going to watch a lot less TV, actually. I shared with them that God longs for us to think about good things; about things that are right; about things that are true; and that I struggled to think about good things and true things and pure things when I watched certain TV shows. I wanted my heart to be different, and in order for my heart to change some of the choices I made have to change.

I then told them that one of the things that I had been learning since Trisha and I separated was that when I was there age, a close friend of our family hurt me. They touched me in ways and in places that were not right. We explained that a little more and used it as an opportunity to ask them if anyone had ever tried to touch them in that way or make them do things that they weren’t comfortable doing. It was one of the most amazing discussions I’ve ever had…ever. The freedom that I felt to be fully myself in front of my family, I had never experienced before. Which is the third mistake I want to share with you today, and it’s not an easy one:

3. I assumed the best way to help my boys handle sexual temptation was to pretend like I didn’t experience it.

I honestly thought that if my kids thought I had conquered sexual temptation they would know they could too. I was never real with Trisha and never real with them. If I’m honest, my pretending had less to do with protecting them and more to do with with protecting myself. I didn’t want to admit struggle. I didn’t want to come face to face with my sin. I didn’t want to deal with my porn addiction.

This conversation with my 9 and 6 year old, was the first of many conversations. A few years ago, I started taking our boys through a book called Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle. It is a very uncomfortable book to read and even more uncomfortable to talk about with your son. But once I got over my pride and realized how much was in the balance for my boys, it got a lot easier. It has been a huge tool for us to have honest conversations in this area.

If you are making the same mistake I made in this area where do you start? Here are some suggestions.

1. Be honest with yourself in this area. 

2. Talk with your spouse about this.

3. Get the input from your pastor or a counselor.

4. Start having some honest and transparent conversations with your kids about sexual issues.

Here is what I know…just because I don’t have these conversations doesn’t mean their friends aren’t having them. I want to have as much influence in my boys life in this are as I possibly can. I want them to know as Christ-followers we are on this journey together and I am a safe place to talk, struggle, fail and find forgiveness…and so is our Heavenly Father.

Today, we’re continuing the blog series on five mistakes I made as a father, while doing my best to succeed as a pastor. Some of these mistakes won’t be exactly relevant to everyone, but my prayer is that the principles shared will help you as a parent.

Trisha and I left vocational ministry in 2005. We had spent the previous 10 years working at churches. It was my job to go to church. Going to church was not an option, it was required. We were there pretty much every time the doors were open. I remember the first Sunday after leaving ministry that we decided to skip church. We woke up late, I fixed a big breakfast, made a pot of coffee and we sat around in our pajamas. A few minutes after eating breakfast one of the boys asked why we weren’t getting ready for church. I casually said that we were skipping church and just hanging out at the house. Our boys looked panicked. Skip church? How could we skip church? Would we get into heaven if we skipped church? They were totally thrown. This story leads me to mistake number two:

2. I made my kids go to every church function and activity.

If I am honest, and I think if most pastors are honest (truly honesty) we make our kids attend everything at church not because we are solely concerned with their spiritual development, as much as we are concerned with how church people perceive us and our family.

I am not suggesting that church attendance isn’t important. I think it is very important. I think a mistake we can make as parents and a mistake we can make as Christians is equating church attendance with spiritual growth. One doesn’t equal the other.

A few weeks ago, one of my boys had a ton of homework. He was stressed out about a test the next day and asked if he could stay home from youth group to get it done. It was a no brainer for me to say yes. Tonight, one of my boys has asked to go to a different campus for youth group to see one of his friends play drums. If I am concerned about how other perceive me, I say no to that request. If I am only concerned with his spiritual growth, I am happy he is asking to go to church in the first place.

Are you equating religious activity in your life or in your kids’ life with spiritual growth? It is an easy mistake to make. Our kids need us to focus not on information and attendance but transformation and life-change.

We are launching a series of posts today where I will be sharing how I at times in my life I was more successful in my career as a pastor than I was in my calling as a parent. Our prayer is that God will use my mistakes to help you grow as a parent.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post on The Moments that Make Us. I shared with you that our son Micah recently found out that because Trisha and I chose for him to repeat 7th grade when we moved to Nashville, he was ineligible to play basketball this season as a freshman. His response to that news was simply amazing. He handled the whole situation with grace and class.

I met with the Micah’s coach and athletic director and asked if I could write a letter of appeal and ask that they reconsider their decision. They agreed to support our decision and come along side of us as we fought for Micah is this situation. I wrote the letter, sent it to the school and they sent the letter along to the state of Tennessee. Last Wednesday, we found out that Micah’s appeal was granted and he is eligible to play this season. The athletic director said to me, “I really admire your desire to fight for your son. I love the heart you have for him.”

Thinking through this whole situation, I was reminded of how much easier it is to fight for my son to play basketball, than it is to fight for him spiritually. Which brings me to the first mistake I wanted to share with you today.

1. I prayed for other peoples’ kids, but didn’t pray for my own kids.

There is a battle for going on every single minute of every single day. It is a spiritual battle. The Bible says that it isn’t against flesh and blood but against forces that we can’t see or touch; but are very real. There have been so many times as a parent that I have taken that battle for granted. I have not fought for my kids spiritually.

If someone at my church asked me to pray for their kids, I was all over it. But I failed so often to pray for my own kids. I would say the night time prayers that would accompany a bedtime story, but I rarely spent time laying hands on them and praying for them. I didn’t pray for their day. I didn’t pray for their decisions. I didn’t ask God to give them wisdom. I didn’t pray for protection. I didn’t pray for their future. I didn’t pray for them. Flat out.

It is so much easier for me to fight for my son to be eligible to play basketball than it is to fight for his heart spiritually.

Prayer changes things. It may sound churchy; it may sound hokey; it may sound weird. But when I pray for my kids, I am engaging in battle for them. I am allowing God to open my eyes to see them and the world they live in with fresh eyes.

Succeeding as a parent today may be as simple as spending some time fighting for your child’s heart through prayer.

What are your thoughts on praying for your kids?