Often on our RefineUs blog we write about the hard stuff in life, love and relationships. Today I (Trish) just feel compelled to share about a heart that’s full. Not the kind of full that says life is perfect without problems or flaws but the kind of full that makes your face hurt from too much smiling.

I have found myself in a constant state of reflection over the past couple of weeks. Whether its spending time with good friends or snuggling on the couch with my boys I seem to drift into reflection. I feel a sense of joy and gratitude that even though life has been hard and sometimes even cruel I still get to live THIS LIFE! God doesn’t just redeem he makes things new.

Yesterday we had a completely impromptu birthday/pool party for our 14-year-old son Micah with some of his friends from school. The scene was a bit surreal! My “little guy” is not so little anymore (he’s now taller than me) and so as I have in days past I started to reflect. Thoughts of only having five years left with him start to flood my mind. Thoughts that one of the girls splashing him in the pool could be his future wife! Say what?

As the afternoon continues on I look over at Justin then over to the pool and then back at him. I see my 7-year-old Isaiah completely enamored with the big kids yet content to play on his own. Again I look at Justin and then back to the scene unfolding in the pool. I think about my 11-year-old Elijah and know he must be having a blast at the lake house with one of his best buddies. And again I gaze back at Justin…

For a moment in time I felt an overwhelming sense of humility and gratitude for my life! To have Justin and my boys in my life is such a gift. Not only am I grateful to have Justin’s friendship but to see and be a part of the legacy he is leaving within the hearts of our boys…

HEART FULL!

To be blessed with so many friends in so many different places of the world…

HEART FULL!

To be blessed to be a part of a church family that loves God, the lost and the broken…

HEART FULL!

To have family (especially our moms) that loves us regardless…

HEART FULL!

To know and be known by a Savior who loves me and those I love so deeply that he gave his life for us…

HEART FULL!

Reflection has been a gift from that has allowed me to see what God has and continues to do in and through my life. My prayer and challenge for you today is to take a minute to reflect on what has made your “heart full” lately?

A little over a year ago, we sat our middle son Elijah down and told him that we felt like God was leading us back into full time vocational ministry. We didn’t know what that looked like, but we wanted to make the decision as a family. Elijah immediately began to cry. Neither Trisha nor I thought this was a good thing. We began to console him and ask him if he was okay. Through his sobbing he simply said “I’m so happy, this is what you were made for.” Then we began to cry! Such a sweet kid!

Since that day, Elijah has been asking me if he could speak on Sunday morning. As kindly as I can, I have explained to him that although Cross Point is an awesome church I don’t have the authority to allow this to happen. He has continued to tell me that he has a vision to speak on Sunday morning.

Two weeks ago, Trisha and Micah and Elijah spent the week at iGNITE Camp. iGNITE is the summer camp for Eagle Church in Zionsville, Indiana. This was Trisha’s fourth year leading worship for the camp. I have included a short video of the last night of camp just to give you a flavor of what they experienced throughout the week. It was a powerful week for my kids to not only be with old friends, but to reignite their passion for Christ.

The Sunday following iGNITE camp, the camp band led in worship and the youth pastor, Ian, gave a recap of the week and shared all that God did in and through the students. At the end of his talk, he said something that threw everyone for a loop. He said to the 120 students and the 400 adults in the auditorium that during worship that morning, he saw Elijah worshiping. He felt like God was prompting him to invite Elijah up to close out the service with a challenge for both the students and the parents. Elijah’s vision for speaking on Sunday morning had become a reality. I pulled out my phone and captured it on video. (The video shakes some because I may have been crying a little.)

As I was processing this whole series of events, my heart was opened to this truth: often the way God executes the vision he has placed in our heart doesn’t look like we thought it would. God had given Elijah a vision to speak on Sunday morning. None of us expected it to happen the way that it did.

Maybe you have a vision for a relationship that seems stalled. Maybe you have a vision for your career that appears further away now than it ever has. Maybe you have a vision for your marriage that consistently to take 2 steps forward and then 3 steps back. Maybe you have a vision for doing something great for God, and for whatever reason that vision hasn’t become a reality.

Can I challenge you today to not miss the things God is doing to fulfill his vision for your life, even if it isn’t playing out like you thought it would. Just because it doesn’t look like you think it should, doesn’t mean God isn’t at work. So don’t give up. Don’t stop pursing your God given vision. He often shows up in unexpected ways.

Has there been a time in your life that God fulfilled a vision you had in a way you didn’t expect?

A few weeks ago we were invited to some friends’ house to go blobbing. We had such a blast. I am not sure if you know what a blob is…it is like a huge pillow that floats on water. When we arrived, my 7-year old son Isaiah wanted to do this! There was a problem…you had to climb up a ladder to a 20 foot platform, jump down onto the blob, crawling to the end of the blob, only to have someone heavier than you jump off the same platform and send you launching into the air.

Isaiah was scared. As he came to the end of the platform, he was paralyzed.

So often in my relationship with God, I am the same way. I sense God calling me to a new level of trust; I know God is asking me to step out in a way that stretches me; I hear God’s voice prompting me to risk something I’ve never been willing to risk…and I’m all about it. Until its time to jump…then I’m paralyzed. I am so scared, so fearful, I can’t move.

I wonder how how many divine moments I’ve surrendered because of fear. Most of my life is lived between faith and fear. When things are going well; I have money in the bank; my marriage is going well; ministry is fulfilling; my kids are doing well; my friendships are deep and meaningful…I am filled with faith. Then there is financial uncertainty; relational conflict; ministry difficulty; an unknown outcome to a personal challenge…my heart is filled with fear. Most of our life is lived in the gap between faith and fear.

Can I share with you what I shared with my 7-year old son? Courage isn’t the absence of fear. Courage is overcoming your fear with faith. Courage is pushing through your fear and experiencing faith in greater ways than before.

Maybe today you are standing on the ledge in an area of your life and God is asking you to jump…to trust. But you are scared; you are fearful; you are paralyzed. Life is best lived courageously.

What area of your life do feel like God is asking you to be courageous?

(By the way, enjoy the video of my son being blobbed!)

Within the last month, Trisha and I have been able to offer a new resource through RefineUs; Marriage Coaching. It has been very cool to see how God has brought us 4 couples to come along side and journey with over a 4-month period of time. Our goal for our marriage coaching stays true to the original vision we had for RefineUs: to restore hope and renew relationships.

In the spirit of coaching today, I wanted to share with you 4 things you can do to improve your marriage…TODAY. I have seen these things radically transform my marriage and they are suggestions that if implemented will move you closer to the marriage you’ve had in mind.

1. Give Up Trying to Change Your Spouse

I wish I could have back the amount of time, energy and emotions Trisha and I have spent believing that we could change the other. Some how over the course of time, as married people we begin to think that if we yell loud enough, make our point strong enough, are right enough, slam the door hard enough, make our spouse feel guilty enough…they will change. But you know what happens. When you and I assume the responsibility to change the heart of our spouse, we end up fighting about the same things over and over and over again. Can I just set you free from something: you don’t have the power to change a human heart; only God does. So the best advice I can give you that will transform your marriage is begin to pray for your spouse and ask God to change you. When you begin to ask God to change you, your marriage automatically improves, because change is happening in your heart.

2. Put Appointments In Your Calendar to Talk

I have had no less than ten conversations with couples over the past six months that have trouble communicating. I ask them “On average, how much cumulative time do you spend per week talking (when you are not arguing)?” Every single couple has answered under an hour. When Trisha and I were separated, we realized how little we talked to one another unless we were arguing. We began to set aside one night per week to go out to dinner and just talk. At first we each made a list and went through the list of things that we wanted to discuss or ask the other or dream about. Over the last five years, we don’t make lists anymore but we set aside time each day just to talk. When you are talking without arguing you are making deposits into the emotional bank of your marriage, so that when there is a disagreement, what was once a level 10 argument is now a level 3. Put it on your freaking calendar!

3. Assume the Best of Your Spouse

It is amazing how many people accuse their spouse of being defensive. I hear it all the time as we talk to couples…one person will say “It just gets old having him/her be so defensive all the time.” My response is why does your spouse feel like they have to play defense? When you assume the worst of  your spouse, you automatically put them in defense mode. In defense mode, responsibility isn’t taken, grace isn’t shown, patience runs thin and arguments are minutes away. When you assume the best of your wife or your husband, there is a confidence that even when you disagree, you know in your heart that your spouse is for you. When you have confidence that your husband or your wife is for you, intense discussions can build intimacy instead of shredding it. Assume the best and be proven wrong.

4. Stop Running Your Spouse Down In Public

This was something that I did for years. I didn’t even realize how often I did this until we were separated. We were at Red Lobster one night, talking (see #2) and Trisha began to tear up. She shared with me many examples of me being condescending to her or making fun of her or running her down in front of other people. When you do that, what you communicate is how insecure you are with yourself. Trisha and I can tell within 5-10 minutes of being out with a couple how healthy they are in their relationship. Do they build each other up to others because they are secure in who they are; or do they tear one another down because they are insecure? If you don’t know if you struggle with this, ask your spouse…their eyes will tell you. There is nothing more fulfilling than having your wife/husband compliment you in front of your friends or your family. There is nothing that will erode intimacy quicker than making fun of your spouse in front of the same audience.

These are just four things that we struggled with, that we hope are helpful. Are there others that you would add to the list?