I was given an unbelievable gift yesterday. I was able to meet someone I’ve looked up to, admired and emulated for many years.

John Ortberg has been an influential voice in my life and my journey with God for the past 15 years. I have read every book he has written. I have preached the majority of his sermons. I have used his style of speaking and writing to develop my own voice and style as a communicator.

I have wanted to meet him since 1998. What made meeting him yesterday so special is that my friend, and in many ways, mentor, Pete, made it happen.

We have shared an appreciation for John Ortberg and talked about his writings and teaching for YEARS. Pete was being interviewed by John about Plan B yesterday and allowed me to tag along. (Actually, I hounded him about it for at least a week.)



What I realized yesterday is how God has used both of these men in my life to form and shape me. I believe that we all need voices that speak Truth into our lives from a far. Often for me these people are writers or speakers or preachers that “mentor” from a distance. John Ortberg has been that for me.

But we also need mentors that can speak into the application of that Truth. These people know us. They love us. They have our trust. They have our best interest at heart. Pete has been that for me. I hope we have been that for each other.

He has been there when I was knocking it out of the park to remind me that it is God’s success and not mine. He has been there for me in my darkest moment begging me to allow God’s Spirit to speak to my heart. He has offered me truth and he has extended to me grace.

I don’t know where I would be without John Ortberg. I don’t know where I’d be without Pete Wilson. I’m thankful for spiritual mentors that God has placed in my life, and I am so thankful to have captured a moment with them in the same frame. I will cherish this memory forever.

Do you have a spiritual mentor?

Our words carry power. They have the power to usher in life or the power to bring about death. There are days that I live in this and get this right.

I breathe life into my kids. I build up my wife. I am life-giving to my friends. Then there are times that I take this truth for granted. I run down my kids. I forget how fragile their hearts are. I throw darts at Trisha with my words. I spray venom with the words I say to my friends.

My words matter. My words have weight. My words create or my words tear down. I see it in the face of my kids. I see it as I talk to my wife. I feel it as I am on the receiving end of potent words. I usually notice this truth after it is too late.

Why are we so careless with our words?

We often we forget their power…we take for granted their influence…we overlook their potential. We encounter so many words and we say so many words we don’t realize how critical they can be in the lives and hearts of those we love most.

Words carry life:

I love you

I’m proud of you

I believe in you

I choose you

I forgive you

I’m sorry

You are special

You look beautiful

Thank you

I see potential in you

I appreciate you

You have what it takes

Maybe it is a friend; maybe it’s your wife; maybe it’s your kids; maybe a parent or a sibling…

Who needs you to breath life into their soul today with your words?

“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Proverbs 18:21

I add value with words.

Well, that is a HUGE assumption.

More accurately, I attempt to add value through words.

I feel most comfortable in ministry; in my marriage; in my relationship with my kids; in my friendships, adding value through words that I speak.

I’ve always been good with words.

So many times in our marriage, as Trisha explains an issue or a frustration or a disappointment, I can quickly come up with a solution. Value added! When one of my sons has a problem at school or with a friend or with a teacher, I have just the right advice to give them to make everything better.  Value added!

I convince myself that the greatest value I can add to my relationships is with what I say and how I say it.

I value speaking, when Trisha needs me to listen. I value fixing a situation, when my son just needs me to listen. I value explaining something or justifying something, when someone just wanted to be validated through being heard.

What I am learning is that often what Trisha needs is a listener not a talker. So often what my son needs is someone to look him in his eyes and listen…not interrupt him with “expert” advice. What I’m learning is that my wife doesn’t need me to fix her, she just simply needs me to listen to her. What I am learning is that my point doesn’t need to be proven as much as my ability to listen does.

What I’m learning is what I value most, often times doesn’t add the greatest value.

Usually, the greatest value I can add to my marriage; the greatest value I can add to my relationship with my sons; the greatest value I can add to my friendships is through listening, not speaking.

Honestly, I often do the same thing with God. I am quick to speak and slow to listen. I convince myself that God needs to hear from me more than I need to hear from Him. If He’d just let me explain…if He just knew where I was coming from…if He could just understand my point of view. I think I can add a lot of value to my relationship with God through all that I have to say.

Some questions to think about:

How much better would your marriage be if you chose to listen first and talk second? How many arguments would you not have with your teenager if you listened more and spoke less? How much closer could your friendships be if you stopped trying to fix them and just listened to them?

How much more intimate would you walk with God if you listened twice as much as you spoke?

The greatest value that I can add to my relationship with God, my wife, my kids and my friends is through the words that I listen to and not the words that I say.

Do you struggle to be quick to listen and slow to speak in your relationships?

A few weeks ago, I had meeting a scheduled first thing in the morning. I arrived to this meeting with a set of expectations. I knew what I wanted to say in this meeting. I knew what I wanted to get out of this meeting. I knew what I wanted to leave with at the end of this meeting.

My vision was clear. My expectations were set.

As the meeting began, it was clear to me that my expectations weren’t going to be met. They were going to be exceeded. In fact, the longer the meeting went on, the more I realized just how small my thinking was. As we continued our discussion, I felt embarrassed…embarrassed by my small vision and my inability to see God’s larger movement.

The truth is that if I had gone into this meeting determined to have my expectations met, I would have left feeling satisfied. But I would have missed something so much bigger; so much better; so much more impactful.

I wonder how many times I’ve done that with God? I wonder how many times I’ve gone to God with my plan…my agenda…my vision…my expectations and demanded my way. I wonder how many times I’ve underwhelmed God with my expectations?

I wonder how many times my relationship with Him had an opportunity to go to a deeper level if I would have not demanded He meet my expectations but allowed myself to be overwhelmed by His?

Maybe you’ve resigned in your mind that your job will never fulfill you. You just need to put in your time. You can’t stand your boss. They don’t appreciate you. You feel like you’re wasting your life. So you expect very little. You give very little. You get very little in return. Maybe you are missing out on the eternal expectations God has for you in your career? Maybe your job sucks because you expect it to suck.

Maybe your relational world just consists of superficial relationships. You used to have high expectations of friendships…but over the course of time, disappointment and conflict and bitterness have realigned your expectations. Now you don’t expect much. You won’t be hurt if you don’t invest much. So you expect little…and little is what you are getting.

Maybe the reason that you are unimpressed and disinterested in your marriage these days is because you have underwhelming expectations. You just don’t expect it to be good anymore. If you don’t get your hopes up, then you won’t be disappointed. So you sacrifice what could be amazing and wonderful for the safety of not expecting much. It is totally underwhelming. Maybe the reason you are consistently disappointed with your spouse is because you expect to be. You’ve created the box your marriage lives in.

What if fulfillment in your career or intimacy in your marriage or depth in your relationships was limited only by your underwhelming expectations? What if God has something so much bigger in store for you in one of these areas, and you are missing it?

Don’t mistake satisfaction for God’s blessing. Sometimes we are too easily satisfied.

Thoughts?

Often on our RefineUs blog we write about the hard stuff in life, love and relationships. Today I (Trish) just feel compelled to share about a heart that’s full. Not the kind of full that says life is perfect without problems or flaws but the kind of full that makes your face hurt from too much smiling.

I have found myself in a constant state of reflection over the past couple of weeks. Whether its spending time with good friends or snuggling on the couch with my boys I seem to drift into reflection. I feel a sense of joy and gratitude that even though life has been hard and sometimes even cruel I still get to live THIS LIFE! God doesn’t just redeem he makes things new.

Yesterday we had a completely impromptu birthday/pool party for our 14-year-old son Micah with some of his friends from school. The scene was a bit surreal! My “little guy” is not so little anymore (he’s now taller than me) and so as I have in days past I started to reflect. Thoughts of only having five years left with him start to flood my mind. Thoughts that one of the girls splashing him in the pool could be his future wife! Say what?

As the afternoon continues on I look over at Justin then over to the pool and then back at him. I see my 7-year-old Isaiah completely enamored with the big kids yet content to play on his own. Again I look at Justin and then back to the scene unfolding in the pool. I think about my 11-year-old Elijah and know he must be having a blast at the lake house with one of his best buddies. And again I gaze back at Justin…

For a moment in time I felt an overwhelming sense of humility and gratitude for my life! To have Justin and my boys in my life is such a gift. Not only am I grateful to have Justin’s friendship but to see and be a part of the legacy he is leaving within the hearts of our boys…

HEART FULL!

To be blessed with so many friends in so many different places of the world…

HEART FULL!

To be blessed to be a part of a church family that loves God, the lost and the broken…

HEART FULL!

To have family (especially our moms) that loves us regardless…

HEART FULL!

To know and be known by a Savior who loves me and those I love so deeply that he gave his life for us…

HEART FULL!

Reflection has been a gift from that has allowed me to see what God has and continues to do in and through my life. My prayer and challenge for you today is to take a minute to reflect on what has made your “heart full” lately?