When Trisha and I separated in 2005 due to my affair, one of the first things I realized was how easy it was for me to lead a growing church and how intimidating it was for me to lead my family. Because being a spiritual leader at home was so intimidating, I just didn’t do it. At this point of my life, I had no church to lead and no people to pastor, but by God’s grace I received a second chance with my wife and kids. I was desperate to get it right and be the spiritual leader that God called me to be. But what did that look like?

What I’ve come to realize is a lot of great leaders struggle with this. Most guys, if we’re honest, aren’t leading our wives, our families or ourselves well spiritually. Here are some reasons why I think we struggle with being spiritual leaders outside of our role in ministry:

I have the honor of posting on the Catalyst Blog today. Continue Reading by clicking HERE: 

Today’s post is from our friend Angela Hunter. We met Angela and her husband Scott last fall at the Lifeway Festival of Marriage Event. We instantly hit it off with them. Their story of redemption and restoration is a miracle. They lead a marriage ministry called Marriage On Fire. We are honored to have Angela share with us today.

You can “Like” them on Facebook:

You can check out their ministry web site: Marriage On Fire

We so grateful to have Scott and Angela as a part of our RefineUs marriage coaching team.

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Almost seventeen years ago I said “I do” and I thought marriage would be easy. Scott and I had so much love and passion for each other from the very start, so what could be so difficult…right?

I don’t have a clue as to why I believed marriage would be easy. Perhaps because my parents, who will celebrate 45 years of marriage this July, made it look so effortless. Maybe it was my grandparents, who will celebrate 70 years, also this July. I am deeply grateful for the legacy established in my family of long and happy marriages but I’m pretty sure I thought marriage would be easy because I was just plain naïve. Scott and I loved each other so much, what could be so hard about that?

Insert REALITY somebody please! Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, about our marriage has been easy…

Scott and I are a blended family so when I married him, I gained a beautiful six year old daughter, Amanda. We knew absolutely nothing about blending a family. We closed on our house the week we got married. We knew nothing about budgeting or financial planning. We were married for only three months and I got pregnant with our daughter, Kailey. Twenty-three months after Kailey was born, God blessed us with another daughter, Courtney. When Scott and I celebrated our 3^rd wedding anniversary we realized that I had been pregnant exactly ½ of our marriage up until that point!

Between year 2 and 3 our marriage was the polar opposite of easy. We didn’t know how to communicate with each other anymore. We argued about everything. We were in debt. Resentment was building. Unbeknownst to me, Scott had an extramarital affair during this time. Easy was long gone…

Six years into our marriage we were tired of doing things our way. My skewed vision of “easy” translated to zero effort on my part in our marriage. We were tired of being selfish, prideful and unwilling to make changes. Scott gave his heart to Christ and committed to becoming the spiritual leader of our home. We had to dig deep, push our sleeves up, and become intentional about working toward a healthy marriage. God was leading the way but it wouldn’t be easy.

So, in the beginning I did think marriage would be easy, but the reality is that marriage is so much better than easy. Healthy marriages require hard work, sacrifice, discomfort, thought, reflection and two people totally sold out to Christ. That’s way better than easy in my book.

Today’s post is from our friends Josh and Lindsey Hartz. Josh and Lindsey started out as blogging friends and have turned into real life friends. Josh and Lindsey live out the grace of God in their life and marriage and have an incredible story of restoration. We are honored to have them both share with us today.

You can follow Lindsey on Twitter
You can follow Josh on Twitter

You can check out Lindsey’s Blog

We so grateful to have Josh and Lindsey as a part of our RefineUs marriage coaching team.
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“She Said…”

I thought marriage would be a fairy tale…complete with a handsome prince on a valiant white horse, rushing in to save me from the evils of this world.

Different circumstances throughout much of my childhood left me with a distinct vision of what “marriage” was…temporary, painful, distant, busy, disconnected.

So I read voraciously to escape, to find some beauty to cling to.  I especially loved the enchantingly depicted fantasies of distant lands, unimaginable riches, true love, and happy endings.  I wished on stars and prayed and hoped that one day my Prince Charming would come, that one day he would keep me safe and love me forever, no matter what.

My journey to marriage didn’t go so well.  When I started to show interests in boys, I always seemed to wind up with the “bad” apples.  Although my relationships were very few and far between, they’d always break my heart, break my confidence, and break my spirit.

Until one day, I met him….the “One.” I thought all my dreams had come true as one by one my requirements were met.  He was handsome, kind, and honorable.  He had a pickup truck instead of a horse, but he certainly took care of me, tried to protect me, and loved me even through my deepest struggles and sin.

But sadly, the moment I felt he failed me (real or imagined) my perfect vision of our relationship shattered, and all I could see was everything he wasn’t doing.  In fact, my high expectations of him and controlling nature were slowly draining the love from our marriage.  As the years went on, I found myself resorting to what I knew…pain, distance, busyness, and disconnection became the norm.  Temporary became more and more attractive.

Until one day, when the only true “One” stepped in to the mess we had made.  He opened our eyes, saved our marriage, saved our souls.

I finally realized that God had given me my Prince Charming all along.  We don’t live in a distant land and we certainly don’t have material riches…but we do have is true love, grounded on faith in our precious Father. Those riches far exceed anything this world (or my fairy tales) could ever offer

“He Said…”

I never dated the prom queen or really had that many dates.  I didn’t dream of a fancy wedding or what happily ever after looked like.  I wasn’t sure who the one was, but then she was there!  She was beautiful, shy, smart, and sassy, oh so sassy!  I knew she was the one and in my mind, I thought marriage was going to be blissful happiness, romance, and guaranteed sex!

What I wasn’t prepared for was life.  My fantasy didn’t take into the account that my wife had actual feelings and past hurts that needed to be handled with care.  She was a beautiful woman with real emotions (not the ones I had seen portrayed on the internet).  She needed to be wooed and won over.  Then she needed to be wooed and won over again and again.

When I didn’t see the romanticized marriage that my mind had concocted, I fled.  I turned to false gods such as work, exercise, and Internet fantasies because all that was easier than working hard to have a good marriage.  While work and exercise might not be bad unto themselves, where there is no balance and when the focus is solely on oneself it can lead to great distance and heartache.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that my marriage needed something that I couldn’t provide by myself.  My marriage needed to be focused on God!  I needed to make my Redeemer the central focus of my heart and my actions.   I also didn’t realize how deeply my wife needed a protector.  I was pretty good at physically protecting her, but she needed to feel the deep protection that could only be felt through the Lord.

My wife’s beauty hasn’t faded.  She is still smart, and still just as sassy.  Our marriage has gone from blissful ignorance to near divorce and back by His grace alone.  The marriage we have now I wouldn’t trade for anything!  Oh and the sex…..well, I try to woo a lot more now!

Today’s post is from our friend Brent Hodge. Brent is married to Tammy and they serve in ministry here in Nashville at Cross Point. Brent and Tam were friends before we were c0-workers. They are such a blessing to our lives!

You can follow Brent on Twitter
You can follow Tammy on Twitter

You can check out Brent’s Blog and Tammy’s Blog

We so grateful to have Brent and Tammy as a part of our RefineUs marriage coaching team.

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I thought marriage would be different.

As a teenager, I knew what I wanted in a woman. The day I met Tammy, I knew she was it! When Tammy and I knew we were to be married, everything changed for me. All of a sudden, things got real serious. This was it. I would spend the rest of my life with Tammy. Wow!

I felt so unprepared to be a husband. I was immature. Especially in relationship. Sure, I had dated a couple girls in my life. But, this was different. No longer could I write a note and “break up” with my girlfriend. No longer could we have a fight and not talk for a week. I wasn’t going to be able to just leave because I didn’t like the way she was acting. Nope, everything was different now.

Everything had to be different…

I was now about to marry a young lady that deserved my love, respect and complete attention. And my immature self, had a lot to learn. Marriage is different than anything I had ever experienced. Marriage meant surrender. Marriage meant Humility. Marriage meant doing things I had never done, so that someone else would benefit, even if it didn’t benefit me.

I now know why God equates the relationship between his people, the church and Jesus as a marriage. It’s a relationship like no other. It’s a relationship that demonstrates grace and forgiveness. It’s a relationship that challenges traditional thought. It’s a relationship that seeks the best in our partner and always intends to support and serve the other.

Marriage is different. And because it’s different, it requires us to accept and seek out the wisdom and guidance of others. None of us go into a marriage knowing what to do and who we need to be to make it work. First of all, everyone is different. Second of all, we have a lot to learn.Tammy and I have been fortunate to have loving couples that have been examples for us. Mentors for us. People that have given us a word of critique or a comment of concern. Those that have encouraged when they’ve seen progress and those that have celebrated with us when there has been reason to celebrate. These people have been young and old. Newly married and married for years and years.

Marriage is different. Different than anything we will ever experience. It will challenge us, hurt us and stretch us in new and sometimes very difficult ways. But with those experiences, it will bless us, fill us and grow us in the most amazing ways we will ever.

Tammy and I are 21 years down the road. And we have a lot to learn. And… we have so much to celebrate. The next 21 are going to be amazing. And then, I pray, we experience 21 more after that.

Today’s post is from our friend Brian Clayville. Brian is married to Jenni and together they serve in ministry in El Paso, Texas.

You can follow Brian on Twitter
You can follow Jenni on Twitter

You can check out Jenni’s Blog

We so grateful to have Brian and Jenni as a part of our RefineUs marriage coaching team.

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I thought marriage would be simple bliss. But in reality, marriage has stretched me and challenged me in every aspect of my being.

From the time I was a young child, I knew I would get married one day. Through childhood programming, I decided that the mid-twenties is the earliest one should be married. So, as I went through my short time at college and then into my first job, I had no thoughts of looking for a wife. It was my time to enjoy life with no serious commitments. Then at 25, I met Jenni and quickly fell for her.

I knew marriage would not be all simple bliss, but I had no concept of how big some of our blind-spots were. Neither of us could imagine the impact of emotional damage that Jenni had endured in her 22 years and still needed to heal from. All of these things were lurking just under the surface, waiting to be exposed through the process of marriage.

I describe marriage as a process because that is what it is. It’s a refining process that God has designed to help us reach our full potential as His children. He wants us to operate at the highest level possible. For us to do that, we need someone in our life that knows us on every level. Not only knows us… but is willing to be honest with us and love us through the refining years.

If we aren’t teachable, many of those years can be ugly with short burstful moments of beauty. If we are learning and growing at a decent pace, the beauty should begin showing through more frequently. And if we are teachable, moldable and humbly submitting ourselves to refinement… with time, beauty should be the norm.

God has taught me that I cannot judge motives simply by how I feel in the moment. Instead, He has taught me:

• Growth and intimacy can come more quickly if I’m willing to sacrifice my pride to better understand my bride.
• That I need to lead spiritually and risk being uncomfortable for my family’s spiritual health.
• My marriage is vulnerable and I must be engaged and in pursuit of growth everyday.
• But most importantly, God has taught me to protect my bride from emotionally damaging people no matter how close these people are and how difficult this may be.

Marriage CAN be simple bliss with unbelievable intimacy… but the foundation has to be properly built around God’s plan for refinement of our individual characters. Without the basic ground work being done, marriage will always be a struggle and seem like hard work.

My marriage experiences this simple bliss at times. It’s awesome when Jenni and I are clicking in this way. In all honesty, I am still being refined and sometimes I refuse to submit to the process or I refuse to take the uncomfortable role of leadership that is needed in the moment. I don’t give up. I fight on because the goal is worth the challenge.

Join me in refining yourself so you can experience “Simple Bliss” in your marriage.

I’m really excited about our blog posts for this week. Valentine’s week holds a special place in our blog’s heart. We launched RefineUs 3 years ago this week.

This summer, Trisha and I realized that in order for RefineUs to continue to help restore hope and renew relationships like we feel God has called us to do, this ministry had to expand beyond us. Actually, RefineUs was never meant to be about us, it’s always been about the redemption that God can bring to any heart; any relationship; any marriage.

We have asked some friends that we trust and that understand the vision of RefineUs to come along side us and help coach couples. Our marriage coaching program can now serve four times as many couples. We are so thankful for their investment and partnership.

We’ve asked each of our marriage coaches to do a guest post this week. The theme of the posts will be around the topic of expectations. We all had expectations when we got married….we all expected marriage to be ___________ and it ended up being _____________.

Sometimes our expectations were unrealistic, other times they were just unmet. I know the posts this week are going to speak to your heart.

If you would like more information on our four month marriage coaching program, CLICK HERE to find out more and move from the marriage you have to the marriage you desire.

Happy Valentine’s Week and thank yo for being a part of our community.

Today’s guest post comes from Amy Bennett. Amy connected with RefineUs and has been a huge encouragement to us. She released a new e-book yesterday entitled, Entangled.

You can follow Amy on Twitter: @amyjbennett

You can find her blog and download her new e-book here: Permission to Peruse

“It’s just…”. We say this all the time to rationalize all kinds of things.  If you’re on a diet and you want dessert, you say, “It’s just one piece of cake.”  If you’re on an exercise plan and you don’t feel like going one day, you say, “It’s just one day, I can get back on track tomorrow.”  If you’re out with friends, you might say, “It’s just one drink.”  You see the picture.  Rarely is it just anything.  Those small things turn into habits and before you know it, you’ve blown any resolve you had at the start.

After saying “it’s just …” more times than I can count, six years ago I found myself in an emotional affair with a coworker. It started with something like “it’s just lunch with a friend.”  It quickly moved on to “it’s just a daydream; I’m allowed to daydream.” Before long, I was saying all kinds of “it’s just”s. “It’s just a poem.”  “It’s just a song.”  “It’s just a conversation.”  “It’s just lunch.”  “It’s just a text message.”
I didn’t wake up one day in an emotional affair.  The progression was paved with excuses and justifications.  We have to be viligent and aware of when we’re saying “it’s just …”.  It’s likely we’re on roads we never thought we’d travel.

I’d love to share more about my emotional affair and so many things God taught me through the healing of my marriage in my new eBook, Entangled.

Some transitions are chosen for us. Some transitions we choose. Brian and Jenni Clayville have chosen a transition that many Christians talk about, but very few choose. They have chosen to trust God for everything. They have chosen to be a part of a church plant that requires them to raise their own support each and every month. What God teaches us when we trust everything to Him is priceless. We are honored to have Jenni sharing today about their transition.

Follow Jenni on Twitter:@jclayville

Check out Jenni’s blog: http://jenniclayville.com

Robert C. Gallagher once said, “Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.”

For most of my life, I fought against change. My life felt so chaotic I honestly believe my fight for control was justified only by the means of survival. However… once I wasn’t threatened by eggshells and every day chaos, I still hung onto that control (or perceived control) for dear life. Probably because I didn’t know any different.

But then, for the first time in my life… I knowingly hurt myself. In July 2006, I voluntarily broke my marriage vows and stepped into an affair that unfortunately lasted 2 years. I could no longer control any aspect of my life because the choice I made was uncontrollable. 3 years after the affair began, I confessed my infidelity to my husband.

In the process of confessing my biggest moral failure to my husband, then to my closest family & friends, then to our outer circle, and finally publishing it for all to read and watch… I was finally truly letting go of my grasp on control and truly giving it to God, trusting Him to really take care of me better than I could take care of myself. It was amazing. Without me behind the wheel, I saw so much more around me because I wasn’t focused on the unending road in front of me. I could take in the beauty effortlessly. And while I was taking it all in, God was restoring me, my marriage, my family and my heart.

I gave Him even more of me. In fact, I gave him my gifts, my talents, my desires… my life. And what did He do???

He moved me and my family 1,700 miles away from everything we’ve ever known.

In February of 2011, we moved from Portland, Oregon to El Paso, Texas… as missionaries. We felt God calling us to uproot our family and plug into the Paseo Christian Church (the church plant we are a part of) family as well as the El Paso community.

Not only was the climate completely different, but the community, the culture and the language is different. El Paso bumps right up to Juarez, Mexico (said to be the most dangerous city in the world right now) so though we are in Texas according to the map… the culture and area we live in is much more of a Hispanic culture. 80% of El Paso is Hispanic. You can LITERALLY see Mexico from our house here in El Paso.

I won’t lie. Life is hard here. It is H-A-R-D!!!

There are months (many) that not enough financial support comes in. Our kids have gotten the sickest they’ve ever been and friends and family have left us to be with Jesus all while we are HERE in El Paso. I’ve struggled with more boughts of depression than I’d like to admit since moving. I don’t speak Spanish. My Spanish is offensive at best.

Yet… I wouldn’t change any of this for the world.

Though what I listed above isn’t really a day at Disneyland, the good that has happened not only outweighs the bad… it overwhelms it.

My marriage is restored beyond what I could ever recognize it to be. My children are flourishing. My husband has walked closer with Jesus and has grown substantially and incredibly as a leader, protector and grace-extender for his family, his church and his community. I am rediscovering (or maybe discovering for the first time) who God created me to be. I’ve tapped into some amazing creative parts within me I had no idea I had or was capable of. And best of all, we’ve experienced some incredibly divine appointments that I highly doubt we would have had if we had just stayed in Portland. Opportunities to be loved on and love others.

We have found a community we never knew existed.

Not just in El Paso… but in every place I’ve ever lived or visited. Our community isn’t defined by our location. It’s defined by who God put in our paths and who’s paths we’ve tripped into.

Do I think we’re settled here forever? I want to say “yes”. I hate moving. So, I want to say “yes”. But God’s desire for me is bigger than any ideas I could have for myself. And if I’ve learned anything in the last few years, I’ve learned this:

Change is the only constant. Hanging on is the only sin.

What are YOU hanging on to?

Guys who are teachable and willing to listen to God really impress me. The first time I met Wes, he was unemployed, low on money and had no idea where God was leading him in life. That wasn’t that impressive…what was impressive is that Wes was willing to do anything and go anywhere God called. He simply wanted to be obedient. Over the past two years, I’ve seen God lead and guide Wes to be an incredible husband, an amazing pastor and a soon to be father. He has experienced and is continuing to experience transition. I am excited that he is sharing with us today.

Follow Wes on Twitter: @weshoward
Check out Wes’s blog: http://amarkedchange.com

Recently, my wife was watching a show called “Baby Story” and I came in the room to get ready to go run. I’ve seen it on before, but this time I stood and watched. I saw a lady going through what looked like hell. Her husband was beside her, holding her hand, whispering encouragement. She was pushing and screaming and then it happened. Their life was forever changed. A baby.

The joy that was on the suddenly parents face was indescribable. I looked over at my pregnant wife and tears were running down her face as she watched and I will admit that they were welling up in my eyes as well.

That moment is in our future and I can’t wait.

I am under no illusion that it won’t be hard. My life is about to completely and utterly change. Soon a baby will be waking me up multiple times a night; there will be more puking, pooping, peeing and crying than I can ever imagine. Never again will we be able to decide to go see a movie or to dinner on a whim. Everything from that moment on will take planning. My life is about to transition.

The word “transition” didn’t really mean much to me 2 years ago. Then I started a new job, got engaged, became a pastor, moved to a new city and church, got married, changed jobs and churches again and now the biggest transition of all; my wife is pregnant. All in 2 years. So, I am no stranger to transition.

Some transitions I expected, like marriage and a baby. Some I did not, like losing a job. I’ve found something that all transitions have in common though: An opportunity to grow and grow rapidly.

When I lost my job, I experienced the most growth as a person and in my relationship with Christ than I ever have. When I started a new job, I grew. When I was married, I grew. When my baby boy arrives in February, I expect to grow. Why?

I think it’s because transitions brings about fresh outlooks. There are new problems to figure out and new obstacles to overcome. When you match that with faith in a loving and caring God, growth happens.

For me it goes to the core of who I believe God is. I believe God is in control. I believe that God knows what He’s doing and has blessed me with the opportunity to be a part of it. So when transitions happen in my life, good or bad, I choose joy.

That’s the key to growing in a transition: Choosing joy in the midst of the change.

Not all transitions are reasons to throw a party, but every transition is an opportunity to choose joy and grow.

Choose to transition well.

Our friend Lindsey is our guest today. She isn’t really a guest she is more like family. Her move to California has caused a transition for our family. We all love Lindsey. Her friendship to Trisha and her friendship to our family has been and continues to be such a blessing. She shares with us the difficulty of transition.

You can follow Lindsey on Twitter: @lindseynobles

Check out her Blog here: http://lindseynobles.com

It’s Hard

My friends Justin and Trisha Davis asked if I would be willing to guest post on their blog. I happily obliged because I adore the Davises and there aren’t many things I wouldn’t do for them. But it has been a little difficult to find the discipline to get the post written. Why?  Well, because the topic they asked me to blog about is “transition” which I feel like is all I have been talking about, all I have been blogging about, and all I have been living. Candidly, “transition” has me a little exhausted.

It’s hard, you know?

Waking up in a new apartment, in a new city, in a new state, in a new culture, throwing on new clothes {the weather and the casual Orange County atmosphere necessitate}, heading into a new job with new co-workers and a new boss, and escaping in the evening to grab a quick dinner at a new restaurant before going to a new small group at a new church. Nothing is familiar. It’s all new. It’s disorienting. And it’s hard.

Don’t hear this as a complaint. It’s just the difficult truth of life in transition. Hear me say that I am fully aware that I am extraordinarily blessed, that God is in this and with me, and that in a lot of ways the transition has been easier than I imagined.

But it’s still hard.

I miss the conveniences of the Central Time Zone. I miss the predictability of the seasons. I miss the ease of routine.  I miss my friends. I miss my Church. I miss knowing my place. And I miss finishing the day feeling like I am quite good at getting my job done.

Yet it is these things that made me feel comfortable, these things that added to my restlessness, these things that pushed me to want something more. And it was these things that encouraged me to jump, to live boldly, to step into my purpose, and to walk in all that He has for me.

But the transition, well, it’s hard.

Last week at the new church I have been attending, Jeff Macguire preached on the disorientation that is inevitable as we become like more like the One we follow {powerful message, you can and should listen to the whole thing here: http://bit.ly/scR1vL}. He talked about Saul on the road to Damascus and how his transformation into one of the most influential leaders of the early church wasn’t without disorientation and loss.

It wasn’t without a good dose of hard.

He showed this moving video about the United States Navy’s Ships to Reefs Program that takes decommissioned war vessels and strips them of impurities and sinks them, giving them a new consequential purpose, becoming a reef-like habitat for marine life.

A difficult pill for the once mighty and majestic war vessels to swallow. But how beautiful that which once represented war and destruction, now represents life?

May the video serve as a jarring reminder that the transition, the disorientation, the transformation is hard, but it is not without beauty.

May I remember that this transition wasn’t about me searching for easy, this transition was about me searching for transformation.

“And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” 2 Corinthians 3:18