Today’s guest post comes from Amy Bennett. Amy connected with RefineUs and has been a huge encouragement to us. She released a new e-book yesterday entitled, Entangled.

You can follow Amy on Twitter: @amyjbennett

You can find her blog and download her new e-book here: Permission to Peruse

“It’s just…”. We say this all the time to rationalize all kinds of things.  If you’re on a diet and you want dessert, you say, “It’s just one piece of cake.”  If you’re on an exercise plan and you don’t feel like going one day, you say, “It’s just one day, I can get back on track tomorrow.”  If you’re out with friends, you might say, “It’s just one drink.”  You see the picture.  Rarely is it just anything.  Those small things turn into habits and before you know it, you’ve blown any resolve you had at the start.

After saying “it’s just …” more times than I can count, six years ago I found myself in an emotional affair with a coworker. It started with something like “it’s just lunch with a friend.”  It quickly moved on to “it’s just a daydream; I’m allowed to daydream.” Before long, I was saying all kinds of “it’s just”s. “It’s just a poem.”  “It’s just a song.”  “It’s just a conversation.”  “It’s just lunch.”  “It’s just a text message.”
I didn’t wake up one day in an emotional affair.  The progression was paved with excuses and justifications.  We have to be viligent and aware of when we’re saying “it’s just …”.  It’s likely we’re on roads we never thought we’d travel.

I’d love to share more about my emotional affair and so many things God taught me through the healing of my marriage in my new eBook, Entangled.

Some transitions are chosen for us. Some transitions we choose. Brian and Jenni Clayville have chosen a transition that many Christians talk about, but very few choose. They have chosen to trust God for everything. They have chosen to be a part of a church plant that requires them to raise their own support each and every month. What God teaches us when we trust everything to Him is priceless. We are honored to have Jenni sharing today about their transition.

Follow Jenni on Twitter:@jclayville

Check out Jenni’s blog: http://jenniclayville.com

Robert C. Gallagher once said, “Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.”

For most of my life, I fought against change. My life felt so chaotic I honestly believe my fight for control was justified only by the means of survival. However… once I wasn’t threatened by eggshells and every day chaos, I still hung onto that control (or perceived control) for dear life. Probably because I didn’t know any different.

But then, for the first time in my life… I knowingly hurt myself. In July 2006, I voluntarily broke my marriage vows and stepped into an affair that unfortunately lasted 2 years. I could no longer control any aspect of my life because the choice I made was uncontrollable. 3 years after the affair began, I confessed my infidelity to my husband.

In the process of confessing my biggest moral failure to my husband, then to my closest family & friends, then to our outer circle, and finally publishing it for all to read and watch… I was finally truly letting go of my grasp on control and truly giving it to God, trusting Him to really take care of me better than I could take care of myself. It was amazing. Without me behind the wheel, I saw so much more around me because I wasn’t focused on the unending road in front of me. I could take in the beauty effortlessly. And while I was taking it all in, God was restoring me, my marriage, my family and my heart.

I gave Him even more of me. In fact, I gave him my gifts, my talents, my desires… my life. And what did He do???

He moved me and my family 1,700 miles away from everything we’ve ever known.

In February of 2011, we moved from Portland, Oregon to El Paso, Texas… as missionaries. We felt God calling us to uproot our family and plug into the Paseo Christian Church (the church plant we are a part of) family as well as the El Paso community.

Not only was the climate completely different, but the community, the culture and the language is different. El Paso bumps right up to Juarez, Mexico (said to be the most dangerous city in the world right now) so though we are in Texas according to the map… the culture and area we live in is much more of a Hispanic culture. 80% of El Paso is Hispanic. You can LITERALLY see Mexico from our house here in El Paso.

I won’t lie. Life is hard here. It is H-A-R-D!!!

There are months (many) that not enough financial support comes in. Our kids have gotten the sickest they’ve ever been and friends and family have left us to be with Jesus all while we are HERE in El Paso. I’ve struggled with more boughts of depression than I’d like to admit since moving. I don’t speak Spanish. My Spanish is offensive at best.

Yet… I wouldn’t change any of this for the world.

Though what I listed above isn’t really a day at Disneyland, the good that has happened not only outweighs the bad… it overwhelms it.

My marriage is restored beyond what I could ever recognize it to be. My children are flourishing. My husband has walked closer with Jesus and has grown substantially and incredibly as a leader, protector and grace-extender for his family, his church and his community. I am rediscovering (or maybe discovering for the first time) who God created me to be. I’ve tapped into some amazing creative parts within me I had no idea I had or was capable of. And best of all, we’ve experienced some incredibly divine appointments that I highly doubt we would have had if we had just stayed in Portland. Opportunities to be loved on and love others.

We have found a community we never knew existed.

Not just in El Paso… but in every place I’ve ever lived or visited. Our community isn’t defined by our location. It’s defined by who God put in our paths and who’s paths we’ve tripped into.

Do I think we’re settled here forever? I want to say “yes”. I hate moving. So, I want to say “yes”. But God’s desire for me is bigger than any ideas I could have for myself. And if I’ve learned anything in the last few years, I’ve learned this:

Change is the only constant. Hanging on is the only sin.

What are YOU hanging on to?

Guys who are teachable and willing to listen to God really impress me. The first time I met Wes, he was unemployed, low on money and had no idea where God was leading him in life. That wasn’t that impressive…what was impressive is that Wes was willing to do anything and go anywhere God called. He simply wanted to be obedient. Over the past two years, I’ve seen God lead and guide Wes to be an incredible husband, an amazing pastor and a soon to be father. He has experienced and is continuing to experience transition. I am excited that he is sharing with us today.

Follow Wes on Twitter: @weshoward
Check out Wes’s blog: http://amarkedchange.com

Recently, my wife was watching a show called “Baby Story” and I came in the room to get ready to go run. I’ve seen it on before, but this time I stood and watched. I saw a lady going through what looked like hell. Her husband was beside her, holding her hand, whispering encouragement. She was pushing and screaming and then it happened. Their life was forever changed. A baby.

The joy that was on the suddenly parents face was indescribable. I looked over at my pregnant wife and tears were running down her face as she watched and I will admit that they were welling up in my eyes as well.

That moment is in our future and I can’t wait.

I am under no illusion that it won’t be hard. My life is about to completely and utterly change. Soon a baby will be waking me up multiple times a night; there will be more puking, pooping, peeing and crying than I can ever imagine. Never again will we be able to decide to go see a movie or to dinner on a whim. Everything from that moment on will take planning. My life is about to transition.

The word “transition” didn’t really mean much to me 2 years ago. Then I started a new job, got engaged, became a pastor, moved to a new city and church, got married, changed jobs and churches again and now the biggest transition of all; my wife is pregnant. All in 2 years. So, I am no stranger to transition.

Some transitions I expected, like marriage and a baby. Some I did not, like losing a job. I’ve found something that all transitions have in common though: An opportunity to grow and grow rapidly.

When I lost my job, I experienced the most growth as a person and in my relationship with Christ than I ever have. When I started a new job, I grew. When I was married, I grew. When my baby boy arrives in February, I expect to grow. Why?

I think it’s because transitions brings about fresh outlooks. There are new problems to figure out and new obstacles to overcome. When you match that with faith in a loving and caring God, growth happens.

For me it goes to the core of who I believe God is. I believe God is in control. I believe that God knows what He’s doing and has blessed me with the opportunity to be a part of it. So when transitions happen in my life, good or bad, I choose joy.

That’s the key to growing in a transition: Choosing joy in the midst of the change.

Not all transitions are reasons to throw a party, but every transition is an opportunity to choose joy and grow.

Choose to transition well.

Our friend Lindsey is our guest today. She isn’t really a guest she is more like family. Her move to California has caused a transition for our family. We all love Lindsey. Her friendship to Trisha and her friendship to our family has been and continues to be such a blessing. She shares with us the difficulty of transition.

You can follow Lindsey on Twitter: @lindseynobles

Check out her Blog here: http://lindseynobles.com

It’s Hard

My friends Justin and Trisha Davis asked if I would be willing to guest post on their blog. I happily obliged because I adore the Davises and there aren’t many things I wouldn’t do for them. But it has been a little difficult to find the discipline to get the post written. Why?  Well, because the topic they asked me to blog about is “transition” which I feel like is all I have been talking about, all I have been blogging about, and all I have been living. Candidly, “transition” has me a little exhausted.

It’s hard, you know?

Waking up in a new apartment, in a new city, in a new state, in a new culture, throwing on new clothes {the weather and the casual Orange County atmosphere necessitate}, heading into a new job with new co-workers and a new boss, and escaping in the evening to grab a quick dinner at a new restaurant before going to a new small group at a new church. Nothing is familiar. It’s all new. It’s disorienting. And it’s hard.

Don’t hear this as a complaint. It’s just the difficult truth of life in transition. Hear me say that I am fully aware that I am extraordinarily blessed, that God is in this and with me, and that in a lot of ways the transition has been easier than I imagined.

But it’s still hard.

I miss the conveniences of the Central Time Zone. I miss the predictability of the seasons. I miss the ease of routine.  I miss my friends. I miss my Church. I miss knowing my place. And I miss finishing the day feeling like I am quite good at getting my job done.

Yet it is these things that made me feel comfortable, these things that added to my restlessness, these things that pushed me to want something more. And it was these things that encouraged me to jump, to live boldly, to step into my purpose, and to walk in all that He has for me.

But the transition, well, it’s hard.

Last week at the new church I have been attending, Jeff Macguire preached on the disorientation that is inevitable as we become like more like the One we follow {powerful message, you can and should listen to the whole thing here: http://bit.ly/scR1vL}. He talked about Saul on the road to Damascus and how his transformation into one of the most influential leaders of the early church wasn’t without disorientation and loss.

It wasn’t without a good dose of hard.

He showed this moving video about the United States Navy’s Ships to Reefs Program that takes decommissioned war vessels and strips them of impurities and sinks them, giving them a new consequential purpose, becoming a reef-like habitat for marine life.

A difficult pill for the once mighty and majestic war vessels to swallow. But how beautiful that which once represented war and destruction, now represents life?

May the video serve as a jarring reminder that the transition, the disorientation, the transformation is hard, but it is not without beauty.

May I remember that this transition wasn’t about me searching for easy, this transition was about me searching for transformation.

“And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” 2 Corinthians 3:18

There are some people you just click with when you meet them. Spence is one of those guys for Trisha and me. He has guest posted at RefineUs before, and his post resonated with so many. It was a no brainer for us to ask him to speak into the topic of transitions given his life the last few months. What he has learned during transition may be exactly what God is longing to teach someone today.

Follow Spence on Twitter: @spencesmith

Check out his Blog: http://spencesmith.com

Seven Months And One Huge Transition

Smooth transitions in life are hard to come by. You never know what’s going to happen during a transition but I’m certain a couple things are happening while in transition.

One chapter is ending while another is beginning. All while right in the middle of another chapter in a different book,

Looking back at my recent transition it was both. I never really knew it would be this crazy of a journey when it started.

The Back Story…

Seven months ago, in March of 2011, I got engaged and started the process of moving from 15 years of living in Nashville/Franklin, TN area and 41 years of living in the south to living in Colorado, a state I always wanted to live in since my dad had been taking us skiing as kids.

My transition has come in different stages.

Saying good-bye to my closest friends in Franklin and Nashville at the end of May was tough, but I made the most of any time I had with my friends. Saying good-bye was bitter sweet to say the least but once I got to Colorado, the events that unfolded where some of the most exciting and most difficult months of my life.

Krissy and I immediately got to work on a few things – Me becoming a step-dad, transferring my job, planning and paying for a wedding and putting her house on the market all in the month of June. Our schedules were non-stop and I could barely keep up.

With the kids being out of school and their excitement to have me around, I went from “all the me-time in the world” to finding myself in the bathroom more than usual just to sit for a few minutes to gather myself.

I jokingly say that and I’m thankful for two teenagers who are excited to hang out with me, but trying to work from “home” and do everything we needed to do and whatever the kids wanted to do was really stirring my world up…. And for good reason… My world wasn’t used to having others live that closely in it.

Once July hit, things were leveling out a bit. Plans were coming together, boundaries between work time and family time were becoming more routine and the house was getting shown almost daily.

August came and a huge answer to pray had happened. We had an offer on her house and had found the house we wanted to buy, but as August rolled through we got to the end of the month learning that the buyers for her house had to move out of state. Back to square one.

Original plan had been to move into another home the week of our wedding. But what happened next was clear evidence that God had another plan.

Two weeks before our wedding, Krissy had an emergency appendectomy. Yep… two weeks. We suddenly realized the house plans had been put on hold for this specific reason. Moving into another house, recovering from surgery and a wedding all in the same week would have been a train wreck and I’m pretty sure God knew that.

In September we got married, went on our honeymoon and a week later got another offer on the house. We have since moved into another home and I’m just now starting to feel settled from my move to Colorado… five months later.

Looking Back…

We moved on October 28 and it was that day that I had in my mind to mark it as the end of the transition. It was the day we closed on both homes and moved into the new house.

Sure… I have the learning curve of fatherhood and grafting my way into this family. Not to mention cultivating our marriage.

But there are other things that will still be there to work on and process through. With transition, you never know what will pop up and something always does. It’s the other chapter in another book that is still pages away from its last page.

This unexpected chapter was walking through loss that came at the most unexpected time. While Oct 28 is marked as the end of transition, the loss will still be there and that is something no transition will immediately heal.

Another chapter is one that deals with me finding my way through a family in the Indian culture (My wife is from India). I’m learning all the in’s and out’s of family dynamics through the filter of cultural norms, language, expectation and figuring out how to navigate it all to honor my wife as well as her family and some of the traditions that are deeply ingrained in their cultural up bringing.

Here’s what I’ve learned along the way.

While we have gotten through the transition, I don’t think I do transition well. In fact, who does? I can do life well when I’m settled and in my groove but we never set our sights on living life in the period of transition. Transition is usually short term and meant to have an end so we do whatever we can to get to the end of it. Why?

Because transition is not we consider to be our normal way of life.

The other thing I learned is this.

Prior to this move my relationship with God was not where it should have been at all. I was missing that whole part of about trust, provision and making the right decisions that would impact my future. I really thought I had most things figured out but I didn’t. Other the years I’ve made decisions that I didn’t think needed God’s input or guidance and it has cost me in many ways.

But this too turned around.

I had to make a decision to trust God with my life again.

Like I knew I should.

It doesn’t mean I was getting everything right from then on out. But what it gave me was the ability to recognize that God was working in and around my life in ways that got me… and Krissy… through this long transition.

A big part of the influence came from Krissy and her strong faith in believing God would help us with all the details and speed bumps. Which is exactly what happened and she was a great example for me to see where I needed to step up to the plate.

There’s no doubt that in a time of transition, believing that God is really in control is  hard to do, but worth it when you see the examples of things happening that could have only been worked out through His timing.

But you know what? I know there are people out there trying to get through the longest transition of their lives with no end in sight and I have this piece of advice.

Most… not all… but most of life’s transitions can come to an end when we have decided there needs to be an end.It’s like being happy. Happiness is a choice only you can choose to do and happiness doesn’t come from the actions of others but your own action of deciding to live a life of happiness. No one can do it for you. Thus, we are the only ones to blame when we aren’t happy.

When we decide to come to an end of the transition. We take steps to get there. When we choose happiness, we take steps to get there.

When we decide to trust in God, we take steps to get there.

If you are in transition and you have been there for a long time, let me encourage you to set a goal to work your way out of the transition so you can settle into the life you have waiting for you.

You will know when it’s right for you, but my point it… You have to make the decision to do it.

Thanks Justin and Trisha for letting me ramble on here. This might be the longest post i’ve ever written, but it’s the first time I’ve put the past seven months into words like this.

Question: What steps do you take to work yourself through transition?

Our life has been a constant transition. If you know our story, you know that we have moved more in our 16 years of marriage than most people move in a lifetime. Most of the time, the transition has been something I have chosen and talked Trisha into along the way. Some of those transitions have been God things and some of them have been ego-trips for me. All of those transitions have come with a price.  Some of them have come with a pay off.

We are in a different type of transition these days. We finally feel at home in Nashville. We finally feel content in how God is using us at Cross Point. We finally feel like we are developing community and building friendships. The transition we are facing is not one of our choosing.

We came face to face with this transition on Halloween night. For the past six years we have had a tradition of trick or treating with our boys and then sitting around a fire pit and eating dinner together. Usually it is white chicken chili that we eat together. This year was to be no different. We got the firewood ready. We made chili in anticipation. It was set to be a great night.

That afternoon, Micah texts: my friends are having a party tonight. Can I go? Ten minutes later Elijah texts: my friends are having a party tonight, I’ve got a ride there and home…can I go? What about trick or treating together? (We said to our 15 and 12 year old) So we let the boys enjoy the night with their friends. I took Isaiah around our neighborhood trick or treating while Trisha sat at home around the fire pit by herself, handing out candy. It was pitifully sad.

Our kids are growing up. We usually enjoy this aspect of our lives. But the transition we are making is one we can’t control or slow down. It is happening. We are trying to learn to embrace it and not resent it. We are trying to learn to value the age of our kids rather than wish they were younger. It is hard.

We have asked a few of our friends that are all in different places in life to share their season of transition with you this week. It is going to be a powerful week and we are confident God is going to show up for so many of us this week. Be sure to join us each day as we talk about transitions.

Here is the schedule for the week:

Tuesday: Spence Smith

Wednesday: Lindsey Nobles

Thursday: Wes Howard

Friday: Jenni Clayville

What transition are you facing today? How are you handling it?

Is it possible to live most of your life as a Christian and get it wrong? It was for me. For years, I said that I believed things about God, but lived my life as if I didn’t. I believed that God was in control, yet I acted like I was. I believed that God had the authority to guide my decisions, my finances, my marriage, my relationships…but so often in my life, I chose my way, spent my money, controlled my marriage, built my relationships. Here is what is wack…when things didn’t go the way that I thought they should go, I’d just work harder, try harder, expend more energy, do better at living exactly how I was living.

I think we are totally good to trust in Jesus for our eternity, we just don’t want to hear from him till until we get there. We know he has the power to save us, we just don’t really believe He’s better at leading our lives as we are. This way of living destroyed my life, my marriage, my ministry and almost cost me my relationship with God.

I am guest posting today for Marni Arnold. Continue reading HERE:

In February 2009, Justin and I made the decision to begin writing about the destruction of our marriage. We launched our 8 Things that Destroyed Our Marriage Series, Valentines week. We had no idea that our blog would reach so many people, would lead us to start a non-profit ministry and would connect us with so many people from around the world. We just wanted to be faithful to share our story of hope and redemption…God has done the rest. We spend a lot of our time talking to couples who have had their marriage fall apart. They are broken, they are hurting, many are on life support and some don’t recover.

It’s hard to find the right balance between having a healthy marriage and a healthy ministry. There’s this constant battle to cheat one over the other. In the midst of this battle, there is usually one thing that puts us on opposite pages with our husband. The calendar can change. Our seasons of life can change, but this ONE THING remains in the middle of our relationship.

I’m excited to share today at Leading and Loving It. You can read the rest of this post and comment by CLICKING HERE.

I’ve always been a fan of second chances. I’ve needed about 1000 second chances through out my lifetime. I am in a sense the king of second chances. A famous phrase for me growing up was “Just give me one more chance.”

• The first time I came home late and got grounded, I pleaded with my parents, “Give me one more chance.”
• The first time I got pulled over when I was sixteen years old and knew I was going to get a ticket, I begged the officer, “Please give me one more chance.”
• The time I overslept in college and missed a mid-term exam, I remember crying to my professor, “Please Mr. Clymer, give me one more chance.”
• When I got caught drinking at a bar my sophomore year of bible college, I sat in the dean of student’s office and bargained with him, “If you will just give me one more chance.”
• When I failed a class and was on the verge of not being academically ineligible to play basketball, I found myself at the mercy of the registrar “Please, give me one more chance.”

I’m guest posting at Jenni Clayville’s site today as she and her husband Brian celebrate 10 years of 2nd Chances. Read the rest of the post HERE:

There are certain encounters and friendships that you just know are God-ordained. Our relationship with Brian and Jenni Clayville is that type of friendship. Trisha and I met Brian and Jenni at the Exponential Conference almost two years ago. Since then, God has grown our friendship and allowed Brian and Jenni to encourage our heart and speak life into our vision for RefineUs. We are honored to have them as friends and are so very proud of them for the step of faith they are just days away from taking. To find our more about their TRANSITION…go here. Their story will inspire you and challenge you to trust God for more.

You can find their blogs here: Brian Clayville Jenni Clayville

You can follow them on Twitter: @brianclayville @jclayville

_____________________________

My first 20 years of life was spent under a roof of overbearing control and dysfunction. I learned if I could level out the flux of change, I was better off. The more my surroundings stayed constant, the better I could deal with the unexpected. The more I prepared my harness of control, the less the eggshells would crack under my feet.

I learned CHANGE would hurt me. Change was bad.

So I lived my safe Christian life. I thought if I stayed safe, I could protect my heart and keep it from being trampled on. I kept my heart from everything. From my husband… and even from God. The only thing I fought for was control. Man, was I feisty when it came to control. And it worked… until I lost ALL control and broke myself.

Something crazy/amazing/painful/exhilarating happens when you transition from being broken by other people to breaking yourself. If you’re being completely honest, your heart transitions from allowing yourself to make excuses to having nowhere… and no one left to blame.

The next year was a huge transition. Brian and I went through every.possible.emotion. Emotions I had worked my whole life to avoid. It was exhausting… but in hindsight… needed and SO good. It was the first time I looked at “change” and “transition” as a positive thing. This revelation changed everything in my life.

Brian and I started praying differently. For most of my life, though I claimed to be a Christ follower, what I was really telling God was to follow ME. God was another bystander. So our prayer changed. We prayed for Him to LEAD because the way we had lead our own lives up to this point didn’t work. We were finally submitting ourselves to really follow whenever and however He called.

Apparently this was a dangerous prayer.

Within a year, our world seemed to unravel at the seams: Brian lost multiple jobs (strange for a guy who was consistent in the financial industry for 10 years). I was let go from my job as a Worship Pastor at a local church plant in Portland. That church shut down soon after that. Our youngest son went through a medical scare and in the process, racked up the most ridiculous medical bills I have ever seen. Change was constant and transition was a promise. It seemed as if the world had it out for us. However… during this time, though we had plenty to be concerned about, we had an overwhelming peace surrounding us.

You see, all of this had to happen in order for God to prep us for our next calling. Our lives as we had known it had to unravel in order for God to weave it into His NEW creation.

In October, we accepted the call to a new adventure… 1,700 miles away from family, friends and the place we’ve called home.

Within the last five years, I’ve gone from living a safe life of comfort, predictability with no transitions to a very challenging, uncomfortable, unpredictable and transitional life. Everything in our lives (housing, finances, prayer, etc.) now depends on God and on others He places in our path.

For awhile, I fought it. What else is an OCD planning type supposed to do? All I knew was how to control my surroundings. But THIS was completely out of my control. And finally… I just let it go. God called. We answered. And we are choosing to obey no matter the cost.

And though the cost is great… the blessings in return are greater. My marriage has never been better. Our family dynamics this last year has given me more joy and laughter than the combination of the first 30 years of my life. My community is constant and reliable. And the peace… oh the PEACE. Incomparable.

So you see, CHANGE is no longer a bad thing for me. It’s what brings me peace. The change we avoid in fear is what transitions us into glory. It’s gonna hurt like hell… but the beauty and freedom in brings after the unravelling is done is completely worth it (coming from the one who’s STILL transitioning). In order to have CHANGE in your life, you must be willing to transition.

So… are you?