This weekend was insane.

I had to be in Atlanta on Friday at 8:00 am for a meeting. Trish spent the day working on a chapter of our book. We met at 8:30 PM Friday night at Micah’s school, after I drove for 4 hours back from Atlanta. I moved my suitcase from my car to our van and we left for Indianapolis. We decided to drive 5 hours to Indy to spend 8 hours experiencing Superbowl XLVI and then drive 5 hours back to Nashville.

This was not a rational thought. There was nothing rational about driving 10 hours to spend 8 hours in Indianapolis.

It was nuts and that was the point.

I want to do things with my kids that are irrational at times.

We bought tickets to the NFL Experience and cheered each other on as we tried to kick a field goal. We went out for a pass. We did the 40 yard dash. We saw the city that has been home to us for most of my kids life transformed into the epicenter of awesome for the stinking Superbowl! It was amazing!!

As a parent, I say, “no” more than I say, “yes”. It is my responsibility to be rational.

Memories aren’t usually made by being rational.

It’s why this summer when Micah and I were in Florida and he said to me, “I really wish we could be with mom in Michigan tomorrow for my birthday, we drove 17 hours through the night to surprise Trisha at church camp. Not because it made sense, but because we made a memory.

Sometimes the best thing you can do as a parent is say, “Yes.” Yes to something crazy. Yes to something impractical. Yes to a road trip. Yes to building a fort in the living room. Yes to sleeping outside. Yes to something that seems irrational and doesn’t make sense.

We won’t be remembered for how much we made sense, but how often we made memories.

Here is the video of us juking Troy Polamalu:

Superbowl in Indy from RefineUs Ministries on Vimeo.

We’re continuing this blog series today called Succeeding as a Pastor but Failing as a Parent. You can read the rest of the posts here:

Introduction

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

The goal for this series is to share with you some mistakes that I made in the first 10 years of being a parent and some things we’ve tried to change and do better as parents over the past 6 years. I’m still not perfect and I still make mistakes, but hopefully the mistakes outlined here will help each of us move closer to God and build our relationship with our kids.

4. I lied to my kids.

I didn’t set out to be a liar. Lying to my kids wasn’t something that I consciously thought to do. It just happened here and there. One of my kids would get in the car and be really excited. “Hey dad, do you think we could play football when we get home.” My response: “Absolutely.” We would get home and I would get distracted or start watching TV and we wouldn’t play football. “Dad, can we go to the mall tonight and look for some basketball shoes?” My response: “We can’t tonight but maybe later this week.” In my mind, I knew we wouldn’t be going to the mall, I was just trying to pacify him.

My dishonesty didn’t stop there…it spilled over into my teaching on Sunday morning. I would exaggerate stories and embellish here and there to make an illustration during a message on Sunday. We would get in the car and Trish or one of the boys would say, “You know that story didn’t play out like that.” or “Dad, I didn’t say it like the way you said it today.” It wasn’t an obvious lie, just a subtle shifting of the truth.

Through these distortions of the truth, I began to notice that my kids were questioning my word. When I said I would be home at 5, would I really be home at 5? When I said I would be at their game would I really be at their game? When I told a story from the stage, would they respect me for telling the story or inside would they be embarrassed for me as I stretched the truth of the story?

It may seem like a little thing, but respect is earned through integrity. Over the past six years, I have worked really hard to have my word count. When I say I’ll be home, I’m home. When I say something from the stage, I try to nail the details of the story as they actually happened. The worst thing that could happen is for others to think more of me than the people closest to me. That is me building my reputation while my character dies a slow death.

How are you at truth-telling with your kids? Do they think your word is trust-worthy? Maybe the single greatest thing you can do to improve your relationship with your kids is simply tell the truth. It has been a redeeming act in our family.

I remember the first time we sat the boys down in December 2005,  to talk to them about the timing of me moving back home. We had just come back from a counseling appointment and felt like the time was right to begin this conversation. Our boys were ages 9, 6 and 3 at the time so our youngest wasn’t a part of this conversation. It was the two older boys and Trisha and myself. At this point, all they knew were two things: dad thought he wanted to be married to someone else; mom and dad still love each other and want to stay married. They had no other context for our problems. I wanted them to undertand a bigger story; my whole story.

I started to share with the boys that when I moved back home some things were going to change. We weren’t going to watch the same TV shows that we watched before. We were going to watch a lot less TV, actually. I shared with them that God longs for us to think about good things; about things that are right; about things that are true; and that I struggled to think about good things and true things and pure things when I watched certain TV shows. I wanted my heart to be different, and in order for my heart to change some of the choices I made have to change.

I then told them that one of the things that I had been learning since Trisha and I separated was that when I was there age, a close friend of our family hurt me. They touched me in ways and in places that were not right. We explained that a little more and used it as an opportunity to ask them if anyone had ever tried to touch them in that way or make them do things that they weren’t comfortable doing. It was one of the most amazing discussions I’ve ever had…ever. The freedom that I felt to be fully myself in front of my family, I had never experienced before. Which is the third mistake I want to share with you today, and it’s not an easy one:

3. I assumed the best way to help my boys handle sexual temptation was to pretend like I didn’t experience it.

I honestly thought that if my kids thought I had conquered sexual temptation they would know they could too. I was never real with Trisha and never real with them. If I’m honest, my pretending had less to do with protecting them and more to do with with protecting myself. I didn’t want to admit struggle. I didn’t want to come face to face with my sin. I didn’t want to deal with my porn addiction.

This conversation with my 9 and 6 year old, was the first of many conversations. A few years ago, I started taking our boys through a book called Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle. It is a very uncomfortable book to read and even more uncomfortable to talk about with your son. But once I got over my pride and realized how much was in the balance for my boys, it got a lot easier. It has been a huge tool for us to have honest conversations in this area.

If you are making the same mistake I made in this area where do you start? Here are some suggestions.

1. Be honest with yourself in this area. 

2. Talk with your spouse about this.

3. Get the input from your pastor or a counselor.

4. Start having some honest and transparent conversations with your kids about sexual issues.

Here is what I know…just because I don’t have these conversations doesn’t mean their friends aren’t having them. I want to have as much influence in my boys life in this are as I possibly can. I want them to know as Christ-followers we are on this journey together and I am a safe place to talk, struggle, fail and find forgiveness…and so is our Heavenly Father.

Today, we’re continuing the blog series on five mistakes I made as a father, while doing my best to succeed as a pastor. Some of these mistakes won’t be exactly relevant to everyone, but my prayer is that the principles shared will help you as a parent.

Trisha and I left vocational ministry in 2005. We had spent the previous 10 years working at churches. It was my job to go to church. Going to church was not an option, it was required. We were there pretty much every time the doors were open. I remember the first Sunday after leaving ministry that we decided to skip church. We woke up late, I fixed a big breakfast, made a pot of coffee and we sat around in our pajamas. A few minutes after eating breakfast one of the boys asked why we weren’t getting ready for church. I casually said that we were skipping church and just hanging out at the house. Our boys looked panicked. Skip church? How could we skip church? Would we get into heaven if we skipped church? They were totally thrown. This story leads me to mistake number two:

2. I made my kids go to every church function and activity.

If I am honest, and I think if most pastors are honest (truly honesty) we make our kids attend everything at church not because we are solely concerned with their spiritual development, as much as we are concerned with how church people perceive us and our family.

I am not suggesting that church attendance isn’t important. I think it is very important. I think a mistake we can make as parents and a mistake we can make as Christians is equating church attendance with spiritual growth. One doesn’t equal the other.

A few weeks ago, one of my boys had a ton of homework. He was stressed out about a test the next day and asked if he could stay home from youth group to get it done. It was a no brainer for me to say yes. Tonight, one of my boys has asked to go to a different campus for youth group to see one of his friends play drums. If I am concerned about how other perceive me, I say no to that request. If I am only concerned with his spiritual growth, I am happy he is asking to go to church in the first place.

Are you equating religious activity in your life or in your kids’ life with spiritual growth? It is an easy mistake to make. Our kids need us to focus not on information and attendance but transformation and life-change.

We are launching a series of posts today where I will be sharing how I at times in my life I was more successful in my career as a pastor than I was in my calling as a parent. Our prayer is that God will use my mistakes to help you grow as a parent.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post on The Moments that Make Us. I shared with you that our son Micah recently found out that because Trisha and I chose for him to repeat 7th grade when we moved to Nashville, he was ineligible to play basketball this season as a freshman. His response to that news was simply amazing. He handled the whole situation with grace and class.

I met with the Micah’s coach and athletic director and asked if I could write a letter of appeal and ask that they reconsider their decision. They agreed to support our decision and come along side of us as we fought for Micah is this situation. I wrote the letter, sent it to the school and they sent the letter along to the state of Tennessee. Last Wednesday, we found out that Micah’s appeal was granted and he is eligible to play this season. The athletic director said to me, “I really admire your desire to fight for your son. I love the heart you have for him.”

Thinking through this whole situation, I was reminded of how much easier it is to fight for my son to play basketball, than it is to fight for him spiritually. Which brings me to the first mistake I wanted to share with you today.

1. I prayed for other peoples’ kids, but didn’t pray for my own kids.

There is a battle for going on every single minute of every single day. It is a spiritual battle. The Bible says that it isn’t against flesh and blood but against forces that we can’t see or touch; but are very real. There have been so many times as a parent that I have taken that battle for granted. I have not fought for my kids spiritually.

If someone at my church asked me to pray for their kids, I was all over it. But I failed so often to pray for my own kids. I would say the night time prayers that would accompany a bedtime story, but I rarely spent time laying hands on them and praying for them. I didn’t pray for their day. I didn’t pray for their decisions. I didn’t ask God to give them wisdom. I didn’t pray for protection. I didn’t pray for their future. I didn’t pray for them. Flat out.

It is so much easier for me to fight for my son to be eligible to play basketball than it is to fight for his heart spiritually.

Prayer changes things. It may sound churchy; it may sound hokey; it may sound weird. But when I pray for my kids, I am engaging in battle for them. I am allowing God to open my eyes to see them and the world they live in with fresh eyes.

Succeeding as a parent today may be as simple as spending some time fighting for your child’s heart through prayer.

What are your thoughts on praying for your kids?