I greeted a friend of mine last night and asked him how he was doing. He said, “I’m not doing very well. I’m sorry I just can’t say everything is fine, because everything isn’t fine.” I told him that it was okay that he wasn’t doing fine and I was glad he was honest with me. Sometimes it is easier to mask how we are really doing. Sometimes the mask has to come off.

This conversation made me think about all the masks we wear. We wear masks at our job. We try to hide our imperfections. We pretend we don’t have problems at home. We pretend we are more confident in our position than we really are.

We wear masks with our friends. We mask the debt we’ve incurred to pay for a lifestyle we can’t afford. We mask our insecurities. We pretend to be closer to certain friends than we really are so that they can help us achieve our goals or ambitions.

We wear masks at church. We argue all the way to Sunday service and paint on a smile on our way in. We pretend to be more spiritual, more put together, more mature in our faith than we really are. We fear that if anyone knew the real us, they would think less of us…so we mask our brokenness.

We wear masks at home. We pretend things are okay in our marriage when there is distance. We say nothing is wrong when our feelings are truly hurt. We don’t necessarily lie to our spouse; we just shade part of the truth. We don’t feel comfortable being our true self with our spouse because we are afraid of judgment or ridicule.

The thing about masks is that they never bring us closer to who we were created to be. Masks always make shallow what God has intended to be deep. Friendships. Marriages. Families. Churches. Everything in our lives get cheated when we choose to be fake.

It takes courage to live with no masks. What would happen if we stopped apologizing for being honest with each other and started expecting and accepting authenticity?  What if mask wearing were a thing of the past in your life?

How would your friendships be different?

How would your marriage be different?

How would your relationship with God be different?

Do you struggle with masking the real you in an area of your life?

Last week, through the gift of a very good friend, Trisha went to the Grand Caymans on a cruise. She had a blast! The ocean is her love language. She loves the ocean and finds relaxation there more than anywhere else. Did she miss me? Yea, I think. But she needed that time. She needed to recharge.

While she was away, life went on as usual for me. Actually, it was more intense than usual, as I came face to face with EVERYTHING Trisha does to make this place run. The boys showed me grace, as they realized very quickly that mom is gone; dad is trying to be mom; he will not succeed.

When Trisha got home on Thursday, I could see that she was rested. It was awesome. I knew that God had given her the rest that she desperately needed.

I needed rest too…but would have to find it in a different way. It had been a long week without her. I had two wedding rehearsals on Friday and two weddings I was performing on Saturday. So my weekend seemed void of the break I knew I needed. Then I had an idea.

On Saturday, Trisha and I met after my second wedding at our favorite restaurant, which is something that she really enjoys. Then we went to the movies, which is something I really enjoy. It was a great night.

Thinking back on the weekend, that night was important. I was running on empty. Life had been going at breakneck speed for a while for me. I couldn’t jump on a cruise ship or take a vacation. Because I was in tune with what drains me and what fills me up, we had a date night that allowed me to recharge and reconnect with Trish.

You  need to recharge. You need to take a break. You need to find something that you enjoy and carve out time for it. It doesn’t have to be a big trip or a vacation. Find little ways to get away. You won’t drift into resting…you will have to choose it. All of your relationships will benefit from that choice.

What do you do to recharge and refresh in your own life?

There are some friendships that stand the test of time and circumstances. Trisha and I have been friends with Mike for almost 10 years. Mike lead worship for our student ministry years ago, and when we started Genesis Church in 2002, he would drive from Nashville to Indianapolis  about every 3 months to lead worship for our little church-plant. God has intersected our journey in a number of different ways. When we started RefineUs, Mike was one of the very first people to support us. He emailed me and told me how much he believed in us; in our message and in the potential for what God could do.

Mike is a gifted photographer and a few weeks ago, I approached him about doing something for Valentine’s Week here on RefineUs. This won’t be practical for everyone, but if you are in Nashville, this could be a really cool date idea for you this week. Here is what we came up with:

RefineUs Valentine’s Week Special:

A perfect gift that is unique to each couple! A special portrait session with your loved one is a perfect gift to capture your love for each other.

Think of it like a date night captured by a professional photographer. We’ll schedule to visit a location that the both of you love(your home, park, zoo) or an activity that you both would love to do (sports game, bowling, spring festival) and I’ll be there to capture your moments together.

What’s included and the cost?
Cost: $150

Included:
•90 minute session to capture as many fun and casual photos as we can.
•Your favorite 10 Digital Negative Files & Permission to Make Print From Files
•Sessions are to be used by March 31st before the summer heat arrives.

Printed photos may also be ordered.

(Click on the thumbnails below to see full resolution picture)

You can find more information about Myrick Studios HERE:

(Neither RefineUs or Trisha or I have received compensation to publish this post. We just felt like this could be a really romantic thing to do on Valentine’s week and wanted to connect you to a really talented photographer, who loves our ministry.)

On Thursday August 26, 2010, Trisha and I moved for the 13^th time. Just typing that makes me cringe. This move was a little different than most of our moves in that we only had 11 days notice. We still own our house in Indy and rent it out. Because of that, we rent here in Nashville. The owner of our previous house wanted to sell, and we couldn’t buy, so we had to move.  We had three goals: find a nice neighborhood, in the same school district, for the same money.

God showed up big time. We were able to find a house that met our goals and has exceeded our expectations. We love this house. As Trisha says to me often, “We are never moving again.” We feel at home. But in this process, we have learned something that we wish we would have known 15 years ago.

Transitions are hard on marriages. Our marriage today is completely different than it was before the affair. We are totally different people. Our tone of voice is different; our reactions are different; our patience level is different; our ability to see past small mistakes has improved; we are just different people.

What we noticed is that this transition of moving (again) brought out old behavior patterns. This transition brought out old feelings and exposed some weak areas in our relationship that we had no clue existed.

Transitions change how you interact with God. Transitions change your behavior patterns. Transitions at times change your self-esteem. Transitions pull you out of your comfort zone. Transitions usually expose a part of your heart that needs attention.

Moving is just one example of a life-altering transition.

• Your parents’ divorce
• Going to college
• Getting married
• Having your first child
• A new job
• Moving
• Losing a child/pregnancy
• Getting a divorce
• Having an additional child
• Building a house
• Reaching a stage where all of your kids are in school all day
• Having a teenager
• Watching your child graduate and go to college

Each of these transitions affect your relationship with God. Each of them affect your relationships with others. Each of them will affect your marriage.

Trisha and I were talking a few nights ago, as we have had multiple conversations about how to grow through transitions. She said that she wanted to do a blog series on Transitions and openly and honestly talk about how certain transitions have hurt our marriage because we weren’t prepared for it, or didn’t recognize it.

So the first week of January, we are going to launch a two-week blog series on Transitions. With the start of a new year, comes the opportunity to transition to become more of the person God has in mind. We hope this series will be a catalyst for that!

The first week we will be speaking into specific transitions we have gone through and what we have learned. The second week, we will have guests post their thoughts on transitions in their life and how they navigated those transitions.

As we prepare for that series would you help us by leaving a comment that answers this question:

What transition in your life has been the most difficult (on you; on your relationship with God or on your marriage)

I remember a statement that Trisha said to me five years ago like it was yesterday, “I forgive you, but I don’t trust you.”

It is impossible to earn forgiveness. Forgiveness, if it is authentic, is unconditional. Forgiveness is as much for you, the person that is offering it, as it is for the recipient. Trust is something completely different.

Trust has to be earned. Trust is a sequence of relational deposits, made with an authentic heart. Trust is the basis for intimacy. You can’t build a relationship in the absence of trust.

We know a lot of people that struggle with trust. Distance defines their relationship. Fear dominates their emotions. Worst-case scenarios flood their mind.  Suspicion and accusation lead most conversations.

A few questions we’ve had to ask as it relates to this area:

-Am I confusing forgiveness (unconditional) with trust (conditional)?

-Is my lack of trust based on my past, my insecurities, my fear or my worries?

-Are the trust issues in this relationship based on broken trust by the other person? If so, do you have a plan to restore trust? Is it reasonable, attainable and have a timeframe?

-Is the person you have trouble trusting aware of your struggle or do they just experience the symptoms of your struggle?

-Are you creating a self-fulfilling prophesy by not trusting someone who is actually trustworthy?

For us, these questions have not been asked just once in the last five years. They have been asked hundreds of times since the affair. We are committed to intimacy in our marriage. There is so much that erodes intimacy…a lack of trust is the most dangerous.

Hopefully, if you struggle with trust in a friendship; with a family member or spouse these questions will help you re-discover trust and in the process find intimacy.

What are your thoughts?

Do you remember being in school and the first assignment back from summer vacation or Christmas break was to write a paper. The title of the paper had to be the same but the content of everyone’s paper was different. The title was “What I Did on My Summer Break.” Our family never had money, so the content of my paper wasn’t ever that exciting. But as we were driving back from Indiana, I thought of some things that I learned over Thanksgiving break.

Trisha and I are in a season of processing some deep hurts. My parents’ divorce is still on the front burner. Family dynamics as a result of their divorce have changed, and we are adjusting. Finding out that my dad isn’t my dad and I am adopted is still at the top of the list for me, personally as well. I feel like I am in a new season of refining, and while it is hard, I know it is worth it.

Here are some things that I feel like God revealed to me as we drove back from Thanksgiving. Maybe these are things He wants to share with you as well:

1. Time is more valuable than money.

It is easy for me to think that money holds the greatest value. I was reminded though a number of situations that time is so much more valuable than money. My wife wants my time more than money. My kids want my time more than money. I can’t build intimacy with money. I can’t create depth with money. I can create the illusion of a relationship and the feeling of appreciation but not true intimacy.

2. Forgiveness is a choice I have to make over and over and over again

My wife is the most grace filled person I know. The fact that she has so selflessly forgiven me, you think I could have learned this from her. In a way, I guess I did, but in a way I had to experience it and realize it for myself. I have to choose forgive the same person sometimes over and over. As the layers of hurt are revealed in my heart, I have a choice to make more than once. Will I forgive the hurt today? Maybe you are there today? Maybe the most important decision you can make today is to forgive.

3. I can’t force someone else to pursue health and wholeness.

I know that I can’t change someone’s heart. Only God can do that. As I interact with those I love, I can see the brokenness they carry. I can sense the pain that lives in their heart. I am no better. I am just as broken. I guess the only difference between us is I recognize how jacked up I am and want to pursue the health only Christ can provide. As much as I want to, I can’t force anyone else to pursue wholeness, they have to pursue it on their own. Maybe for you today, you need to find freedom in your inability to force someone to pursue health.

4. I can pretend that everything is okay in a relationship, but I’ll never have the relationship I desire.

I am amazed at our ability to pretend everything is okay. I can pretend that a relationship has no problems. I can pretend that a wound doesn’t exist. I can pretend that feelings haven’t been hurt. I can fake even myself out at times, but I will never have the intimate relationship I desire by pretending. By sweeping things under the rug or pretending the past will take care of itself, I will always settle for a counterfeit form of intimacy with that person. Honesty paves the way to intimacy.

This post wasn’t intended to be a therapy session to help me deal with Thanksgiving. 

I felt led to share these with you as this is where God has me today. What about you?

Out of the four listed, which do you think you need to process the most?

I add value with words.

Well, that is a HUGE assumption.

More accurately, I attempt to add value through words.

I feel most comfortable in ministry; in my marriage; in my relationship with my kids; in my friendships, adding value through words that I speak.

I’ve always been good with words.

So many times in our marriage, as Trisha explains an issue or a frustration or a disappointment, I can quickly come up with a solution. Value added! When one of my sons has a problem at school or with a friend or with a teacher, I have just the right advice to give them to make everything better.  Value added!

I convince myself that the greatest value I can add to my relationships is with what I say and how I say it.

I value speaking, when Trisha needs me to listen. I value fixing a situation, when my son just needs me to listen. I value explaining something or justifying something, when someone just wanted to be validated through being heard.

What I am learning is that often what Trisha needs is a listener not a talker. So often what my son needs is someone to look him in his eyes and listen…not interrupt him with “expert” advice. What I’m learning is that my wife doesn’t need me to fix her, she just simply needs me to listen to her. What I am learning is that my point doesn’t need to be proven as much as my ability to listen does.

What I’m learning is what I value most, often times doesn’t add the greatest value.

Usually, the greatest value I can add to my marriage; the greatest value I can add to my relationship with my sons; the greatest value I can add to my friendships is through listening, not speaking.

Honestly, I often do the same thing with God. I am quick to speak and slow to listen. I convince myself that God needs to hear from me more than I need to hear from Him. If He’d just let me explain…if He just knew where I was coming from…if He could just understand my point of view. I think I can add a lot of value to my relationship with God through all that I have to say.

Some questions to think about:

How much better would your marriage be if you chose to listen first and talk second? How many arguments would you not have with your teenager if you listened more and spoke less? How much closer could your friendships be if you stopped trying to fix them and just listened to them?

How much more intimate would you walk with God if you listened twice as much as you spoke?

The greatest value that I can add to my relationship with God, my wife, my kids and my friends is through the words that I listen to and not the words that I say.

Do you struggle to be quick to listen and slow to speak in your relationships?

Before Trisha and I separated, we argued a lot. We still have disagreements now, but NOTHING like we used to. Our disagreements now are about things that matter.

They aren’t about something that happened five years ago; they don’t have rabbit trails that loop in my mother, Trisha forgetting my birthday in 1998, and how I didn’t mow the yard last week.

You know those kind of arguments…the kind that you can’t even remember what you started arguing about?

Been.There.

We used to argue …A LOT.

As we began to go to counseling, and started unpacking our junk, we realized that we argued (most of the time) so Trisha could get my attention. If there was conflict, then I was engaged. When I perceived things were going well with our marriage, then I pursued my own agenda. So often, Trisha would initiate conflict or react to what should have been a level 2 reaction with a level 10 reaction, because at the core of her being, she wanted my attention. She desired my participation. She longed for me to notice.

Isn’t that sad? Why did it take anger to get my attention? Why did I not pursue my wife unless there was a problem? How jacked is that?

Let me ask you to evaluate your relationships…your marriage, your friendships, your family dynamics. What does it take for you to engage? What does it require for you to pursue your wife’s heart? What is required for you to be present? What forces you to participate, not just spectate, in your relationship?

When conflict is used as a pawn in a relationship, its purpose is distorted. God often uses conflict to build intimacy. But when we have to use it for our own purposes, what was meant to build, tears down. What was designed create openness ends up creating resentment.

So many people spend the best hours of their day arguing with the people they love the most. Most of those arguments have no redemptive value at all. They are symptoms of an attention deficit.

How many arguments could you prevent by participating? How many fights might not happen if you engaged before conflict had to erupt? What if you listened more? What if you asked more questions? What if you didn’t check email at the table? What if you looked at your spouse in the eyes when they talked to you? What if you were fully present?

What if…

Do you see conflict used as a last resort attention getter in your marriage/friendships/relationships?

One thing that I have learned over the past five years, is that the relational quality of my marriage is often just a reflection of my relationship with God. There have been so many times that I tried to change an aspect of my marriage, or how I reacted in my marriage, without recognizing this truth and what it brought me was temporary results. I have found that I can change my behavior for a while, but until God changes my heart, its only superficial change.

Here is a list of 12 words. My guess is one or two of them may describe how you feel when you think of your marriage these days. One of these words has become normal to you.

Numb   Distant   Exhausted

Disappointed  Guarded  Absent

Dull   Mechanical   Repetitive

Controlled   Beat up   Uninspiring

For you and your marriage, distance has become the norm. Disappointment has been something you’ve learned to deal with. Dull has described your relationship with your spouse for quite some time. Beat up has become a constant companion.

You have tried to make changes, but they don’t last; they are short-lived. So you feel exhausted and frustrated and have come to see these words as normal.

Can I ask you one more question as it relates to these words? Do any of the same words describe your relationship with God? Do you feel numb when it comes to God these days? It is very hard to have true intimacy with your spouse, the oneness that God created, when you feel numb or distant or disappointed with God. There have been so many times in my life I have underestimated the spiritual aspect of my marriage and have done everything I can to “fix” it; and been unsuccessful.

What if there was a new kind of normal in your relationship with God?

Connected   Close   Energized

Exciting   Free   Inspired

Spontaneous  Life-giving   Encouraging

How much better would your marriage be if these words were the normal way to describe your relationship with God? How much richer would your friendships be? So often we try to fix our earthly relationships without taking an inventory of our relationship with God.

Is there a specific word that has become normal to you that needs to be traded for a new kind of normal?