This picture is from 2005. It was our 10th Anniversary. We spent money we didn’t have (see mistake #3) and went on a cruise. Don’t we look happy? Wouldn’t you say from this picture that our marriage was in good shape? Three months later, we imploded. How do you go from a 10 Year anniversary cruise to not sure if there will be an 11th anniversary? A little at a time…and that is what this blog series is about. Identifying little things that put distance between us and our spouse, that over time lead to bigger and more destructive patterns. That cruise in 2005 turned a light onto a mistake that almost destroyed our marriage…

#4-We failed to dream big dreams for our marriage and our family.

The last day of our cruise, we ended up at a seafood restaurant for lunch before heading to the airport. We sat down to eat, and Trisha started bawling…like someone was hurt bawling. I asked her what was wrong and she just said, “I don’t want to go back. This is the first time since we got married that I have had you to myself. It is first time that our life didn’t revolve around the church.” But we did go back, and we went back to the same patterns and same behavior, that ultimately led to our marriage hitting bottom…3 months later.

Here is the truth…we set goals and we had dreams. We dreamed about launching a new church. We set goals for our weekly attendance and offering. We had dreams about how many people would join a small group. We set goals for how many people we wanted serving in the church. We dreamed about baptisms and child dedications.  We were so busy with life and kids and church and ministry, that we forgot to dream about what our marriage could and should be. We weren’t intentional to dream about who our family could be…didn’t take time to set goals for where we wanted to be in 5 years as individuals or as a couple.

It may seem like a little thing, but this one area has transformed our marriage. We all have dreams…we all have aspirations…we all have a sense of destiny and a God-given desire to make our lives count. When we began to go to counseling, I realized that our entire marriage had centered around me and the call that God had placed in my heart. I knew that God had placed a call and a vision in Trisha’s heart too and I wanted her to share it. So, one night at Red Lobster, I said to Trisha, “What are your dreams?” She didn’t think I was serious…so I said it again. “Our whole marriage has revolved around who I wanted to become…who do you want to become?”  She started to tear up and began to share with me her dreams for our marriage…her dreams for our boys…her heart for our family and goals for her life personally. It was the first time that we had a discussion about her dreams with no strings attached…no wrong answers…no limits.

What we have realized is that we are dreamers. We love to imagine how God could use us and change us and grow us. Part of our role as spouses is to be used by God to draw out and help complete each others dreams. We sit down and set goals for our family…spiritual goals, financial goals, and even ministry goals. Some we hit, others we don’t…but the point is that we know more deeply each others desires, heart and passions.

When is the last time you have had a conversation like that? What if on Saturday, you went out to dinner with your spouse and you said “What are your dreams for our marriage? What are your dreams for your life? Who do you hope to be in five years? How can I help you get there?” Your spouse may be desperate to dream again…and to dream again with you.

What a gift you could offer with 4 simple words “What are your dreams?”

A few weeks ago I had lunch with a good friend of mine. He and his wife had a major argument the night before and he needed to talk. As he began to share what was going on, it was pretty clear that in almost every single area of their relationship, they weren’t on the same page. He felt like she misunderstood everything he said…she felt like he didn’t listen to her opinion or care about what she thought. They would have a few days of peace, and then something would trigger an argument about the same issue that they had argued about 2 weeks ago, and 2 months ago and 2 years ago. He didn’t like how she spent the money, she didn’t like how much money she was given to spend. He didn’t think she respected how hard he worked, she thought he worked way too much and didn’t put their family first. They are 7+ years into their marriage and they have separate checking accounts, separate bills that they pay, separate goals and aspirations…and they are headed for where we ended up…separation…the mistake that they are making is one that nearly destroyed our marriage…

#3-Our marriage put us in the same house but we were not always on the same team.

Let me give you an example of how this played out in one area of our marriage…

Like most married couples, Trisha and I have certain roles in our marriage. One of the things I was responsible for was our budget and paying the bills. Trisha knew how much money I made per pay check and she knew when I got paid…beyond that, I didn’t share much about our finances with her. This was a constant stress in our relationship…she never knew where we stood financially and I always got on her for spending money that we didn’t have. Most of the conversations we would have about money were after she came home from Wal-Mart with groceries or with socks and underwear for the boys. I would go off that she spent money that she didn’t get approved with me…she didn’t know what bills were coming out that week and in my mind she was spending money faster that I could make it (as a pastor you don’t make money very fast). The truth was, I was a horrible money manager. I would justify purchases by using credit cards or 90-days same as cash or put off paying a bill for a month so that we could buy something on an impulse. (I called it creative financing…it is really called stupid debt) She saw me as a control freak and a hypocrite because in her mind, I could spend the money how I saw fit, but would always get on her and question every dime she spent…so she resented me. Here was the reality: I was so ashamed of the financial condition I had put us in, I wanted to keep her in the dark…and I was too proud to ask for help. I thought for sure that if she knew how bad I led our finances, she would lose respect for me. The result was that we were never on the same team financially…we were constantly working against each other, rather than being one as God intended.

Spring break 2007 was the best family vacation we have ever had. We loaded up the mini-van and took off for Destin, Florida. Every time we went somewhere in Destin I said to Trisha, “This looks so familiar.” She kinda laughed it off, which was weird, because I wasn’t joking. We would go eat somewhere, or go to Wal-Mart or go to an outlet mall, and I would say, “Man, I feel like I have been here before.” Finally, I guess I got so annoying, Trisha said to me “Justin, we were on vacation here Spring Break of 2003! Do you not remember?” What she said hit me like a ton of bricks. We were in Destin, Florida for Spring Break, 2003, but I wasn’t on vacation…we were 1 week out from our first Easter Service at the church, and all I did was worry and stress and complain and work. I was there, but I wasn’t there. Maybe you can relate to this mistake that nearly destroyed our marriage…

#2-We consistently gave each other the left-overs from our day and not the best.

How does it happen in a marriage that over time, we stop giving our spouse the best of who we are and we give them what ever is left at the end of the day? Your boss gets your best or your clients get your best, or your customers get your best, your laundry gets your time and attention, and your Facebook gets its time, your to-do list gets priority…but at the end of the day, we settle for giving our spouse less than our best. Here is what is toxic…this becomes a vicious cycle that is hard to break.

I come home from the office and Trisha has the laundry done and the kitchen cleaned and the kids bathed, and dinner ready…and I walk in exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated…whatever…and all I say is “We’re having pasta again? Really?” With that one statement, with that one act of withholding my best, I have destroyed the effort that she has given to offer her best. You know what she is thinking in that moment “My best isn’t good enough.”

On the other hand, I leave work early, go buy flowers, find a babysitter, make dinner reservations and plan a perfect evening without the kids, only to come home and hear “You must be trying really hard to make up for something. If you think that this means you’re getting lucky tonight, think again!” That statement totally defeats a husband who has done what he can to offer his best. You know what I am thinking in that moment “Why should I even try, my best obviously isn’t good enough.” And so the cycle goes…

When Trisha and I were separated, I worked at P.F. Chang’s as a server. I went from speaking to 500 people each weekend, to “Would you like white or brown rice?” One night as I was closing my section, I had a table of several high school students that had come in for dinner after their school dance. They were loud and rude and made a huge mess and hung out so long that I was one of the last servers to leave. After they left, I was on my hands and knees under their table sweeping up rice and crushed up fortune cookies with my hands into a dust pan…I stood up and looked on the table, and they had left me a $5 tip! I thought I am busting my butt cleaning up after these kids who could care less about me…when is the last time I have done this at home? When is the last time I have given to Trisha like I am giving at P.F. Chang’s for a flimsy $5 tip?

What about you in your marriage right now? Who is getting your best? Maybe you are so concerned about a clean house you forget about the husband who lives there? Maybe you are so tracked on “providing” for your family, you fail to prioritize the family you are providing for. This is so subtle and it happens little by little…and it takes a conscious effort to battle this fatal mistake. Greatness doesn’t just happen…it is achieved by consistently giving your best…and that is true in your marriage. I say a prayer every single night on my way home and it goes something like this “God, I have given my best effort today at work. I have given my best to my boss, I have given my best to my clients, I have given my best to people I will never meet, and only care about me to the extent that it benefits them…help me give 110% to 4 people who love me unconditionally and deserve so much more than what I have given to others today.”

Who gets your left-overs?

Each Friday for the next 8 weeks we are going to be reposting the series of posts that started this blog. Many of our readers are new to RefineUs and this series will not only allow you to know our story, but maybe find yourself in our story.

How does a husband of 10 years, a father of 3 awesome boys and a pastor of a young and growing church choose to walk in one Sunday afternoon and tell his wife he wants to end it all? How do you get there? What are some of the ingredients to a marriage that hits rock bottom like that? Most of the mistakes we are going to share are in no particular order…but this first one is THE most important thing you can do to protect your marriage. It is simple, but hard. It seems churchy…and cheesy…but is so powerful. It is the most talked about thing, but the most overlooked thing in a “Christian” marriage. I believe if you never read another thing that I write, but correct this one thing, your marriage will change. This was our biggest mistake and this nearly destroyed our marriage…

#1- We rarely prayed together, and the way we prayed for each other was selfish.

How ridiculous is that? Trisha and I are leading a church, helping people find their way back to God, praying for people after the service, praying for people in our small group, praying for marriages of people we are counseling…and yet there was a barrier in our marriage when it came to praying for each other. It is totally embarrassing…but we just didn’t do it. When I did pray for Trisha I would pray in a selfish way that God would change her because she was driving me nuts or making me angry or nagging at me about something.

When we were separated I realized that I was the one that needed to change…even if Trisha never changed, I was desperate for God to change me. What we have learned is that yes our marriage is emotional…yes, our marriage is physical…but more than anything our marriage is a SPIRITUAL relationship and if we don’t take that seriously, the very foundation of our relationship will be eroded little by little.

Here is the truth: If you want to grow in your intimacy with your spouse…if you want your spouse to pursue you again…if you want your spouse to respect you again…if you want your spouse to find you attractive again…if you want your spouse to forgive you again…if you want your spouse to love you again like they loved you when you were first married…pray for God to change you into the person your spouse needs you to be. That is the first part…the second is a little more vulnerable and much more uncomfortable when you first start…and that is to pray out loud together. The quickest way I can gauge Trisha’s heart and know what is bugging her or making her anxious or on her mind is to listen to her pray…it is a spiritual way to know her heart and to align my heart with hers. Let me clear, if you haven’t done this before, this will probably feel weird…but get over it! It is so worth it…and let me promise you that you will relate deeper, you will talk more, you will love more completely through this one act…I guarantee it.

I want to encourage you to not make the same mistake we made. You can improve the quality and depth of your marriage beginning tonight. I would love for you to share your thoughts on this idea of praying with and for each other and how it has played out in your marriage/relationship…

The X Factor – “An unknown or hard-to-define influence; a factor with unknown or unforeseeable consequences.”

I would venture to say that the “X Factor” could easily be changed to the “seX Factor” in most marriages today. Sex seems to be the “unknown or hard-to-define influence” in our marital relationships.  I have had several conversations with women, regardless if they have been married 2 or 20 years, and most question the role sexual intimacy should play in their marriage. We know that men think about sex every 7 seconds, but do we really know why? Women (especially those who grew-up in the church) were taught not to talk about sex or have sex because God said so…end of story. Women hear of men struggling with pornography, lust, masturbation and affairs but most of us are ill equipped to know how to respond and so….

We chalk it up as the “X Factor” in our marriage and that we as women will never fully understand our husband’s sexual desires. We feel confused and ashamed and don’t know why we hate, resent or avoid sex. Worse yet, we do know why and the haunting memories of a bad sexual relationship in our past is too painful to get over. If you’re a guy reading this your probably shouting “you go girl, tell my wife sex is good”. If your a woman your probably saying “umm… duh? This is exactly how I feel so what?” One of the most profound principles we have discovered in our move away from destruction is:

Restoration Principle #4: Sexual intimacy, mutually offered, unleashes God’s full desire for your marriage.

Because Justin and I were not virgins coming into our marriage we thought we could somehow redeem our relationship if WE didn’t have sex before our wedding. I can honestly say we did refrain, but it didn’t fix or create a healthy road for sexual intimacy in future years. We were married for 4 months and I got pregnant. Not only was the area of sex new to me in my relationship with Justin, but being pregnant seemed to complicate things at a whole new level. During the first 10 years of our marriage, I found myself camped in the “I don’t really get you and your sex drive” and/or “you made me mad today so no sex for you”. The pattern went something like this… Justin would want to have sex… I wouldn’t… sometimes I gave in… most times I didn’t. If the baby was asleep, laundry done and the moon was aligned with Jupiter I would even offer it to him first.

Until the affair, I didn’t understand how God created both Justin and me for sexual intimacy. I assumed if he was wanting to go there after I spent the day “giving” to kids, laundry, friends and regular life events then he was just plain SELFISH! At some point in our relationship I permanently camped out in this mindset and found that not only did I not understand sex, I didn’t really care to.

Facts about the seX Factor: When a boy starts puberty his body will create sperm that will transfer to storage sacks that when are at capacity will naturally release from the body. I share this piece of information because this is an innocent process of change. There is no baggage or agenda, just a simple fact of nature. But somehow, what is natural and how God intended has become grossly misunderstood. And many of us have been left confused as to how to respond in our marriage relationship. This was a HUGE hurdle for Justin and I to jump over to really have the sexual intimacy God wanted for us. Men have a true PHYSICAL need for intimacy.

After Justin and I separated, not only was I leery of being friends with him, I was petrified of becoming lovers. I leaned on my old understanding of what I thought sex was while trying deal with the hurt Justin had caused. In the weeks that followed, God totally shattered those old thoughts and gave me a new view of sex. I love the way the Message paraphrases this scripture:

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (The Message) “Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.”

I learned that Justin wasn’t being selfish but had a true physical AND spiritual need that God would use to bring us close in a way that only this type of intimacy could. Justin also learned how my need for intimacy came through the expression of his words and his actions. Grace is freely given but trust is earned! As Justin slowly earned back my trust and I felt that he was repentant and willing to do whatever it took to grow in this area then, and ONLY then, could this journey move forward. We have learned to be on this journey TOGETHER and fight for it to no longer be the X Factor in our marriage but the catalyst for growth and development as a couple. Not only is Justin my best friend, he is my lover.

Our experience in moving from destruction to restoration has come from understanding and embracing this principle. Sexual intimacy is God’s gift to us as husband and wife to protect, satisfy and guard our relationship.

Last night, I posted on Twitter a picture of the book we received Monday from the printer. Our friend Ali worked with us over the past few months to design this marriage conference resource. It isn’t as big of a deal as receiving your book from a publisher, but this little booklet is very special to us. This booklet represents a five year journey in our lives and marriage that can only be described as God-ordained.

Trisha and I had no vision for ministry. We had no idea that God would use something so destructive; something so painful and humiliating to provide hope and healing to others.

God in a miraculous way, took something that was meant for harm and hurt and brought about redemption and restoration.

Sharing our story for the first time in 2009 evolved to starting our blog. Our incredible RefineUs community (you) helped us see a vision for ministry again. We established RefineUs Ministries in June 2009. The response continued to grow and God continued to lead and that vision lead to RefineOurMarriage.com, in 2010.

We launched RefineOurMarriage.com in August in hopes of establishing a resource to help restore hope and renew relationships. Our desire is to reach and serve three audiences: spouses in crisis; marriages in process and pastors and churches in need.

We launched our Marriage Coaching program. We began to write content for Marriage Conferences. We opened our schedule up to pastors and spouses who were struggling and have no one to talk to, through OneDays. We agreed to speak at churches and church leadership conferences. God continues to lead in ways that blow our minds every single day.

This weekend we have the honor of partnering with SunCrest Christian Church and lead them in our Refine Our Marriage Retreat. Then on Sunday, we have the opportunity to share with Fox Valley Christian Church, in Batavia, IL. Trisha and I were on staff there in 1997 as their student pastor. We are so excited to be back with them on Sunday.

Why do I share this? Three reasons:

1. Thank you. Thank you to those of you that have been with us since February of 2009. We didn’t even know what a blog was when we started this deal. You have prayed for us. You have encouraged us. You have believed in what God was doing when we were doubting our ability to communicate. You have emailed our posts; retweeted us; shared on Facebook; become a fan of our ministry; been a partner with us through prayer. The couples that hear God’s story this weekend do so because of your faithfulness. Thank you!

2. We want to serve you. The reason we launched RefineOurMarriage.com was to provide resources. There are audio and video downloads. There are PDF downloads; there are several ways we are striving to restore hope and renew relationships. We want to be faithful to share what God has done and can do.

3. Be encouraged. Five years ago at this time, Trisha and I were separated. We didn’t live in the same house. We weren’t sure if our marriage would survive. God is bigger than our mistakes. He is bigger than our hurts. He is bigger than any destruction that may have wrecked your life. He has great plans for you. If He can restore our marriage and redeem us…he can do anything. Be encouraged. God is fighting for you even more than you are fighting for yourself. He has plans for you; plans to give you hope and a future. Live in that today.

We are so thankful for you. We are humbled to be on this journey with you. Please be praying for us this weekend as we share God’s desire and dream for marriage.

As we come to the last two principles of our “8 Things that Restored Our Marriage” series, I have to admit I have struggled with these last two posts. We have not posted in over a week, not because we didn’t have anything to say, but because there was so much we could say, I wanted to make sure we said the right things. So my prayer today is that Principle #7 is straight from God’s heart to yours and applies to your life no matter where you are in your marriage. We have touched on this principle before, but the application of this is crucial in moving from destruction to restoration.

When Trisha and I were first separated in October of 2005, I was the first to start counseling. I went to counseling 4 days a week for two weeks before Trisha and I started going together. Attending counseling was something that I had never done. I recommended counseling to others. We had Christian counselors that went to our church. I had pastor friends that told me of their great experience in counseling. My pride and my fear kept me from counseling. I thought that I was too strong for counseling; I could handle my junk on my own. Weak people go to counseling. At the same time, I was scared that if I went, the counselor would see right through me and I would be found out as the shallow poser that I truly was. (I told you I was messed up!) I resisted Christian counseling like the plague…until I was desperate to save my marriage.

At the end of my first week of counseling, I told the counselor to be honest with me. I said something like “Now that you have an idea of just how messed up I am, how much I have jacked up my life and marriage, I need to know, are we going to make it? Can you fix me? Can you fix my marriage?” He simply said that he didn’t know. He had no idea if what I had destroyed could be restored…but he did have hope that I could be restored. So, I said to him, “I’ll do anything…just tell me what to do.” He said to me “If I can recommend one thing for you to find healing it would be for you to buy and read “The Power of a Praying Husband.”

Let me just say that this wasn’t the first time I had heard of this book. I can remember several people emailing me about this book. One word came to mind when I thought of this book “CHEESY”! I read a summary of the book at one point and I thought only weak and incompetent guys would read this book. Turns out, that is exactly what I was…weak in character and incompetent as a husband and father. So I bought this book.

As Trisha and I talk to couples, often we are asked by them for one tip, one suggestion, one thing that they can do that will have immediate results on their marriage. This is that one thing…read this book. This book reveals the truth of Restoration Principle #7:

Principle #7: Our willingness to pray for our spouse is instrumental in God recreating who He wants us to be as husbands and wives.

There are two major reasons that I resisted not only reading this book but also praying for my wife.

-Pride: The same pride that kept me from seeking help from a Christian counselor kept me from praying for my wife and marriage. If I prayed for my marriage, if I prayed to be a better husband, then I was admitting that I didn’t have it all together. I wasn’t the model husband, I struggled to be who God called me to be, I couldn’t provide the leadership and direction that my wife and kids were relying on me to provide.

-Priorities: I knew in my heart that if I prayed for Trisha and if I consistently prayed for my marriage that God would bring things to my mind that I needed to deal with. He would allow me to see changes that needed to be made and work that needed to be done to have a healthy and growing marriage…and I had a church to build. I didn’t have time to be sidetracked by issues that if I could ignore, would go away for fix themselves.

I began to read this book and God began to do something that I never expected. He began to change me. He began to allow me to see needs in Trisha that I never saw before. He gave me a heart for her desires that I never had before. He gave me an understanding of her world that I never comprehended. Through the prayers that were in this book, God unlocked a supernatural power in our marriage to bring about the changes in us that we knew were necessary, but was powerless to make happen.

I bought this book 3 ½ years ago. I have read it about 25 times. I still read it and pray through at least every other week. It is a vital part of my relationship with God and my wife. It gave me words to pray when I didn’t know how. It gave me verses of Scripture to read that applied specifically to something Trisha and I were going through.

God is passionate about your marriage. God longs to see your marriage thrive…even more than you do. When we submit to praying for our spouse, we acknowledge that we don’t have all the answers and we need supernatural help in becoming all that God has called us to be. It is through that process that God does something in us that we could never do for ourselves. I have come to realize that I can’t change my wife. As much as I want to, often times, I can’t change me. But as I pray and humble myself before God and submit to His desires for my marriage, He changes my wife and me in more complete ways than we could have ever done.

Trisha purchased “The Power of a Praying Wife” and consistently reads the prayers in that book for me. It has transformed who she is as a wife. These books were the single greatest resource for us finding hope, restoration and change that allowed us to move from destruction to restoration. I know it could do the same for you.

The X Factor – “An unknown or hard-to-define influence; a factor with unknown or unforeseeable consequences.”

I (Trisha) would venture to say that the “X Factor” could easily be changed to the “seX Factor” in most marriages today. Sex seems to be the “unknown or hard-to-define influence” in our marital relationships.  I have had several conversations with women, regardless if they have been married 2 or 20 years, and most question the role sexual intimacy should play in their marriage. We know that men think about sex every 7 seconds, but do we really know why? Women (especially those who grew-up in the church) were taught not to talk about sex or have sex because God said so…end of story. Women hear of men struggling with pornography, lust, masturbation and affairs but most of us are ill equipped to know how to respond and so….

We chalk it up as the “X Factor” in our marriage and that we as women will never fully understand our husband’s sexual desires. We feel confused and ashamed and don’t know why we hate, resent or avoid sex. Worse yet, we do know why and the haunting memories of a bad sexual relationship in our past is too painful to get over. If you’re a guy reading this your probably shouting “you go girl, tell my wife sex is good”. If your a woman your probably saying “umm… duh? This is exactly how I feel so what?” One of the most profound principles we have discovered in our move away from destruction is:

Restoration Principle #4: Sexual intimacy, mutually offered, unleashes God’s full desire for your marriage.

Because Justin and I were not virgins coming into our marriage we thought we could somehow redeem our relationship if WE didn’t have sex before our wedding. I can honestly say we did refrain, but it didn’t fix or create a healthy road for sexual intimacy in future years. We were married for 4 months and I got pregnant. Not only was the area of sex new to me in my relationship with Justin, but being pregnant seemed to complicate things at a whole new level. During the first 10 years of our marriage, I found myself camped in the “I don’t really get you and your sex drive” and/or “you made me mad today so no sex for you”. The pattern went something like this… Justin would want to have sex… I wouldn’t… sometimes I gave in… most times I didn’t. If the baby was asleep, laundry done and the moon was aligned with Jupiter I would even offer it to him first.

Until the affair, I didn’t understand how God created both Justin and me for sexual intimacy. I assumed if he was wanting to go there after I spent the day “giving” to kids, laundry, friends and regular life events then he was just plain SELFISH! At some point in our relationship I permanently camped out in this mindset and found that not only did I not understand sex, I didn’t really care to.

Facts about the seX Factor: When a boy starts puberty his body will create sperm that will transfer to storage sacks that when are at capacity will naturally release from the body. I share this piece of information because this is an innocent process of change. There is no baggage or agenda, just a simple fact of nature. But somehow, what is natural and how God intended has become grossly misunderstood. And many of us have been left confused as to how to respond in our marriage relationship. This was a HUGE hurdle for Justin and I to jump over to really have the sexual intimacy God wanted for us. Men have a true PHYSICAL need for intimacy.

After Justin and I separated, not only was I leery of being friends with him, I was petrified of becoming lovers. I leaned on my old understanding of what I thought sex was while trying deal with the hurt Justin had caused. In the weeks that followed, God totally shattered those old thoughts and gave me a new view of sex. I love the way the Message paraphrases this scripture:

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (The Message) “Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.”

I learned that Justin wasn’t being selfish but had a true physical AND spiritual need that God would use to bring us close in a way that only this type of intimacy could. Justin also learned how my need for intimacy came through the expression of his words and his actions. Grace is freely given but trust is earned! As Justin slowly earned back my trust and I felt that he was repentant and willing to do whatever it took to grow in this area then, and ONLY then, could this journey move forward. We have learned to be on this journey TOGETHER and fight for it to no longer be the X Factor in our marriage but the catalyst for growth and development as a couple. Not only is Justin my best friend, he is my lover.

Our experience in moving from destruction to restoration has come from understanding and embracing this principle. Sexual intimacy is God’s gift to us as husband and wife to protect, satisfy and guard our relationship.

I am pretty sure that this post is going to tick some people off. I am confident that there will be some people that read this next principle and think that I am being legalistic; that I am going to extremes and that I am not in touch with culture. Some of you will read this post and you will say that I just became irrelevant to the world in which we live. Some of you will think…“He isn’t as strong as me, he isn’t as wise as me, he isn’t as _____________ as me. He doesn’t get me.” As tempting as those thoughts are, I hope that you take some time to really think through this principle and how it might play out in your life, because we both believe to take a step away from destruction and toward restoration, this principle is essential.

When Trisha and I were separated, I began to go to counseling and a few weeks later, Trisha joined me. One of the first assignments I was asked to consider and engage in by our counselor was to fast from TV for the duration of our separation. I was confident we could have things put back together in a week or two, so fasting from TV didn’t seem like a big deal. As we have mentioned before, we were separated for two months and God showed up, and used that time to awaken some things in my heart that I had failed to recognize and deal with.

Restoration Principle #3: Without a sold out commitment to purity of heart, our marriages will naturally drift toward destruction.

Philippians 4:8 says “ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”

The truth about me is that I struggled with sexual sins. Those weren’t the only sins that I struggled with, but those were the ones that ultimately destroyed my marriage. Here is what’s wild: I taught this passage on Sunday morning. I quoted this passage to guys I met with that had pornography addictions. I often shared this verse with friends I played basketball with that couldn’t stop cussing. I knew this passage…but didn’t apply it. Well, I guess I applied it to the point that it felt comfortable…but not when it conflicted with CSI Miami, or Grey’s Anatomy, or The Practice. I never quoted it when I was trying to talk Trisha into watching a rated “R” movie that “only has one sex scene that we can fast forward through.” I never broke out this verse as I was walking into the movie theater to watch Wedding Crashers. I knew this verse was truth, but didn’t take seriously the downside of not applying it to my life.

During the time that I fasted from TV, God really broke my heart with this verse.  I spent so much more time in His word than I had probably ever spent, and came to terms with the fact that I was a hypocrite when it came to Philippians 4:8. He showed me how compromise and justification had become second nature. Once I admitted to the struggles I had with pornography and lust, I began to see how some of the things I was filling my mind with were being used by the Enemy to point me and even our family in that direction. I had blown it off and thought I was above it, and honestly, judged people in my church that didn’t watch the shows that I watched or went to the movies that I went to…”they must not be as strong in their faith as I am.”

Wherever sin lives, intimacy dies. That is true in your relationship with God, and it is true in your marriage. But the good news is that wherever intimacy lives, sin dies. I don’t know what this looks like for you…really that is between you and God. But for us, we watch very little network TV. We attend very few movies these days. I guess that is a price that we have chosen to pay…but the payoff is huge. We have shared this principle with couples, and they say… “So, no Office? No How I Met Your Mother? No Grey’s Anatomy?” No…not for us. We feel like being sold out to purity in our thoughts, in our hearts, in our marriage and in our family means saying no to things we know violates this principle.

A few months ago, my 12 year old son had some friends over. They were going to play X-Box 360 for a while then they wanted me to take them to the movies. They started talking about different movies to see, what movies some of them had seen and what was good and what wasn’t. I just began praying that God would give me the wisdom I needed to help my son navigate the situation. Here is the cool part…we have talked so much about this principle of purity and how to protect our hearts…I didn’t have to say anything. My son went to the computer, went to the PluggedIn web site and reviewed all of the movies that were playing. He then told his friends the two or three movies that he would feel comfortable attending…end of discussion. I know it won’t always be that easy…but that is just one instance of “whatever is pure, whatever is holy, whatever is right” paying off in a big, big way.

Maybe there is some unidentified destruction in your heart and marriage because of a lack of purity? I have been there. It is so hard to admit…even harder to deal with and not justify. What would your marriage look like if you really took Philippians 4:8 seriously? How could intimacy grow as sin was put to death in your life and in your marriage? This post won’t win any popularity contests…but it has been and continues to be one of the most essential steps in our move from destruction to restoration.