Over the past few days, we’ve been in several conversations with people rocked by affairs. We’ve talked to devastated spouses trying to find hope and healing because of what their spouse chose. We’ve talked to repentant and remorseful spouses that broke trust and destroyed their marriage. Some conversations have been in person, some over the phone, some over email. Each couple; each relationship; each mistake; each affair were all different. But one thing kept being repeated.

-We reconnected on Facebook then started texting

-She started texting him for work and it grew from there

-He DM’d me on Twitter and we started flirting with each other; it seemed innocent at first

-Our texts started out as business, then turned personal, then got inappropriate 

No one thinks they will have an affair. We don’t get married with a date circled on the calendar when we will cheat on our spouse.

Our hearts have been so heavy the past few days thinking about all of the hurt and all of the damage that started with texting. People are always more bold and more courageous over text, twitter and Facebook than they ever would be in person.

We wanted to share some warning signs when it comes to texting.

It could be a red flag…

-When sending or receiving a text from a certain person causes an emotional reaction in your mind (only you will know this)

-When you or the person you are texting start exchanging emotions or personal feelings

-When you the person you are texting compliments you on a personal or physical level

-Any time you send or receive a text that you wouldn’t be able to read out loud to your spouse

-Anytime you send or receive a text that is flirtatious or sexual in nature

-Anytime you are texting someone more than you are texting your spouse

-When you share frustrations or unmet expectations with someone of the opposite sex about your own marriage

-When you send a text that compares that person with your spouse

-When you receive a text that compares you with their spouse

Words carry power. Please choose the words you text to anyone of the opposite sex wisely.

You probably don’t intend to cheat on your spouse. No one does. Inappropriate relationships can start with a text message and left unevaluated lead to a place that brings all kinds of hurt and brokenness.

If you are in a place where inappropiate texting is taking place and you feel like you don’t have a way out, please email us. Even if you’ve already crossed a line, you don’t have to cross the next one. We are here to help.

Almost every day we get emails from people who are experiencing the pain, loss and devastation of an affair. They are wounded and hurt and don’t know what to do or where to turn. They want their life back; their marriage back; their spouse back. Often as we read through the emails and then begin to correspond with the man or woman that sent it there is a belief that at some point in the future, their spouse will make up for all the pain they caused. When their spouse makes it up to them, then they can move on; then they can forgive; then they an rebuild. This expectation will always leave a void in a persons’ heart. Because if your spouse has a sexual addiction; if your spouse has had an emotional affair; if your spouse has had a physical affair, there is nothing they can ever do to make that up to you. When making up for it is the expectation:

• You will become a suspicious person
• You will become a resentful person
• You will become an insecure person
• You will manipulate and guilt trip to get your way
• You will live out of fear and worry

The bar can never be set high enough for you to find the redemption you are looking for. When you are waiting for your spouse to make it up to you, they will always fail and you will be left searching for one more thing that will make the pain feel better. The redemption you are looking for can only be found in Jesus. You trying to find your own redemption through your spouse’s performance will never give you the marriage you desire.

For as many emails we get from spouses that are devastated, we get just as many from spouses that are broken and desperate. They are the ones that cheated; they are the ones that have a sexual addiction; they are the ones that broke their marriage covenant. They want help; they want their marriage back; they will do anything to make this up to their spouse. If they could just prove to their spouse how sorry they are, then that would make up for all the hurt they have caused. There is only one problem: You can never make up for it. You will never be able to say enough or do enough to make up for it. It isn’t possible. When a spouse starts to live with the mission of making up for it:

• You work really hard to not make your spouse mad
• You walk on egg shells cause you know you were the one that messed up
• You don’t give your opinion or feedback because you don’t feel like you have that right
• You constantly feel guilt and shame for all the mistakes you have made.

Living in a performance based marriage will never build intimacy.

Here is the truth…you can’t make up for it. You can’t redeem yourself. The redemption you desire can only be found in Jesus. When you spend all of your time trying to perform and make up for your mistakes, you rob God of the work that He needs to do in your heart.

The answer is grace. It is grace that provides redemption. For the spouse that is hurting, it is offering forgiveness. It doesn’t mean trusting, but it does mean forgiving. The power that forgiveness has to bring redemption is greater than anything you can demand.

For the one that has done the hurting, it is receiving grace and living out of the forgiveness that Christ offers. It is only in that forgiveness that you can find the freedom you desperately need.

Over the last few days we posted our top five viewed posts of 2011. As I was doing the research to determine the top five posts of last year, I was shocked when I saw the single most viewed post of 2011. This post wasn’t even a post that was written in 2011 so I didn’t include it in the top 5.  In fact, this post is almost 2 years old, written in January 2010. But literally thousands of people found this post in 2011 through a Google search.

Seeing this post be the top post wasn’t just shocking, it broke my heart. I know that there were thousands of people in 2011 that were desperate for help; desperate for hope; desperate for direction when they searched and found this post.  I wanted to re-post it today, because January is a tough month for marriage. Over the weekend I received multiple text messages from people looking to help friends that were caught in affairs or admitted affairs.

Trisha wrote this powerful post that we pray will a resource for you or someone you know in 2012. (If you or someone you know is the person that had the affair, here is a post I wrote to help:

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5 Things You Must Do When Your Spouse Has Had an Affair

The pressure of writing this post is a bit overwhelming and my heart is heavy. Not because I think I have all the answers but simply the reality of the broken person who will search for this resource. Remembering that surreal and painful moment of hearing “I’m having an affair.” And now knowing that I may be speaking into your “moment” causes me to stop and pray hard that I don’t mess this up.

As I, write I am reminded that this isn’t about what I’ve done. This post is all about what Christ did for me in my “moment” and how He continues to restore and bring HOPE in what was a very hopeless situation! This post is for YOU the hurting and broken spouse whose world is being turned upside down. I pray my words are encouraging and hope filled as you begin your journey of healing.

1. Grieve!
The Grieving process is a gift from God. As Christians we often feel guilty for being angry, sad or depressed. Knowing your spouse has had an affair is like being told they have died. All that you have thought to be true about your marriage and your spouse is now dead. It is OK to be angry! It is OK to feel depressed! It is OK to feel confused! It is OK to feel hopeless. Just because you feel these emotions it doesn’t change who God is and the love he has for you.

Grieving is the start to the restoration process and maybe not for your marriage but for you as a person and child of God. While it can be unhealthy to get stuck in one of the stages of grief it is essential to grieve and understand that with grieving comes healing!

2. Get Help! You Need Community.
When Justin said “I’m having an affair” it seemed that all my community disappeared. The affair was with my best friend and staff member of our church. The two people I should be able to turn to in a crisis were no longer there. It was SO LONELY. I was confused, tired, disoriented and in desperate need of help. The Lord brought an amazing group of women who despite hurting themselves loved me, embraced me and helped me SURVIVE the next few days and weeks.

I don’t know who this is for you. Pray that God would bring people to mind and trust those people to help you. I know it’s hard. Here I lost the two people closest to me and now had to trust others? Community may not be easy but IT’S A MUST. You need community for the sake of your family, your mental health and for a covering of prayer.

3. Create Boundaries / Create a Plan
I often say that just like with parenting there are general principles we can apply when parenting our children but if you’re a parent you know that each child is different. The same is true for your marriage. Although there are general steps you can take for your marriage, each marriage is different and your boundaries and plan will look different from mine.

Justin was NOT broken at the beginning of his confession! He was cold and made it very clear he was not in love with me and was not coming home. This was MY reality and I needed to create healthy boundaries. I kicked him out of our house. I created a new checking account and took the majority of our money. I had someone help me understand our finances because Justin did everything. I had a couple that helped me connect with Justin to take our boys since I wasn’t speaking to him. The list goes on and on. But with a plan and clear boundaries it gave my boys and I stability when my life was falling apart and time and space to begin to heal.

4. Counseling. Counseling. Counseling.
Let me first say that just because someone is a counselor that doesn’t mean they are good at what they do! Justin and I were so blessed by two amazing counselors Kathy (JD’s counselor) and Dan our marriage counselor. I don’t care if it takes you 5 tries to find a counselor your comfortable with YOU NEED TO GO.

Dan helped me navigate my emotions of the hurtful details Justin would share with me. He gave me tools to know how to grieve in a way that is healthy. He taught me that it was ok to “go after Justin” in sessions and demand the truth. He helped me to see my own junk and brokenness instead of hiding behind Justin’s. He allowed me to be angry but helped me not to become bitter. Each session we had to trust and choose to take ownership and action to step into that path of healing he was helping to provide.

5. Identity Thief / Finding Who You Are
It’s emotional to write this one. Who am I? What do I do from here? What will my family and friends say or do? What will my work do? Will I find a job to support my family? Am I really a single parent now? What if he marries her? How do I tell my kids? How do I walk my kids into school knowing half of our congregation will be there? God why? God what do I do? I worked so hard. I sacrificed so much just for this?

I no longer knew who I was. I hadn’t realized how I used so many other titles such as pastor’s wife, mom and friend to find my identity. The loss of so much brought me to my knees. Yet it allowed me to see that the only identity that matters is who I am in Christ. A loved daughter of the king and in time Jesus would teach me that this is enough.

I remember sitting in a Starbucks parking lot in October 2005, killing time before my first counseling session with Trisha since our separation. We had only seen each other once since I confessed the affair. I was nervous. I was hopeful. I didn’t want to mess this up along with everything else I had messed up. As I sat there my phone rang. God had promoted a long time friend of mine to call me at the exact moment I needed to talk to him. He and his wife had been through the same thing and appeared to be on the other side of it. At one point in our conversation he said, “The only advice I have for you is tell the entire truth today…at this counseling session. Do not let it come out a little at a time. I spread the truth out over 20 years and it has slowly killed my marriage. The most important gift you can give Trisha is to tell her the entire truth.”

As he spoke I nodded my head. As he said the words, I knew in my heart that God had made this conversation happen to protect me from making the same mistake my friend had made. An hour later, as I sat next to my wife in counseling, I shared the amount of truth in that moment that I thought she could handle. It would take me 30 days and numerous counseling sessions to finally be honest. We almost didn’t recover.

One of the biggest mistakes we see couples make, not just couples that have experienced infidelity, but all couples is a reluctance to share the entire truth. Somehow we convince ourselves that sharing part of the truth is better for our wife. Not being completely honest will protect our husband. So we give part of the detail. We tell our spouse as much of the truth as we think they can handle. We are saving ourselves from a fight. We are helping them not lose their temper. We are protecting their self-esteem. What we are doing is killing our relationship a little at a time.

Drowning isn’t an instant death. It happens one ounce of water at a time. When we fail to tell the entire truth to our spouse, we put a lid on the capacity that our marriage has to experience intimacy. Over time that lid gets so low, that the distance between us and the one we are supposed to be “one” with is so great that it seems insurmountable.

Truth all at one time can be devastating. Truth all at once will really hurt. Truth all at once brings all the pain to the surface and allows the healing to begin. Withholding truth just continues to re-injure that relationship over and over and over again.

If I can plead with you to do one thing it is this: Tell the stinking truth. It will not be easy. It will be worth it.

Since 2009 Justin and I have found ourselves at the center of what the Christian world refers to as Marriage ministry. When we first shared our story we had no idea how desperate people were to find hope and healing in their own marriages.  This experience caused us to trace back the steps of our own healing process and ask ourselves,”How did we survive this?” As we started this process it ignited a passion in us to help people find not just a “marriage ministry” but a ministry of hope.

Two years later we are still passionate about being a ministry of hope and believe that we are who we are today because of God’s amazing love and His amazing people. Justin and I found healing because other couples were willing to be vulnerable and share their own stories of an affair. Some couples stayed married others didn’t but each of them had found healing regardless of their marital status and Justin and I were DESPERATE to learn how and why!

Through blogging we have been blessed to come into community with some really amazing couples that share our passion to help people find hope through their own story. The Beall’s, Clayville’s and Markley’s have been some of those couples we have been able to learn and grow from. It’s not an “affair club” but rather a community bonded by a shared experience of losing everything only to find that even in the deepest, darkest pain, God was, is and will always be enough.

I know that you could probably name one or two people close to you that are going through a painful time in their marriage. Even though I’ve experienced the pain of an affair it doesn’t mean that I am an expert and know all the right words to say or when to say them. In fact, sometimes I feel lost and frustrated that I don’t have the capacity to share what I know in my heart and head with words from my mouth.

I am SO EXCITED that my dear friend Cindy has taken the time to do just that in her new book, Healing Your Marriage When Trust is Broken.

Cindy’s hope and prayer for this book is that it will be used as healing balm to a deep wound. In her book she is painfully raw not for shock value but rather for TRUTH value. An affair is shocking! The pain of an affair never gets old and if it ever does… Lord help us. Cindy speaks truth that comforts and validates a pain that is often times so overwhelming it can take your breath away. Cindy’s book says BREATH. This sucks, hurts and seems unbearable but Jesus IS ENOUGH.

Regardless if you are a friend, parent, or pastor this is a book that I believe every Christian should own. There’s no formula or 5 happy hops to a better marriage but it IS a book of hope. It is a book that if you are the person giving comfort it will empower you to understand their pain. It is a book for those that are in deep dark pain desperate for hope. I pray that you not only buy the book but that you have it on hand to share with others.

We are giving away a free copy of Cindy’s book. To enter, leave your name and location in the comments. We’ll select the winner on Friday. Even if you don’t win, you can purchase the book HERE.

When we share our story, what gets the headlines is the other woman. The detail that people like to talk about is how I, as a pastor, could have an affair with my wife’s best friend. The other woman represents a huge mistake. The other woman symbolizes a gigantic fall from grace. How could I stray so far away from God and my wife into a relationship with the other woman?

What people notice is the result of sin and often miss the process of sin.

Sin has a way of messing with your mind. It wears you down. Often sin’s greatest strength is not that it causes you to take giant leaps away from God…its that it lures you into tiny, unnoticeable, justifiable steps. It doesn’t always come against you with blatant lies; it just distorts and twists the truth. It hides, it compromises, it shades, and it bends.

What we begin to believe is that choosing our own way will work out. It will be okay. We can get over it. People will heal. It’s not that big of a deal. We are too talented to fail. We are too smart to get caught. We are too gifted to allow compromise to catch up to us.

You may not be choosing the other woman today, but you are contemplating the little choices that lead that direction. Sin taunts you. It tempts you. It distorts truth.

It’s not an affair…it’s just text messages. A little Internet porn never hurt anyone. You deserve to have someone listen to you, and if your husband won’t you’re your old boyfriend on Facebook is the next best thing. Your wife doesn’t admire or respect you anymore, but your secretary does. Leaving your wife won’t damage your kids that much. Telling one lie doesn’t make you a liar. It’s not cheating; you’re just being flirtatious.

Philippians 4:8 says “ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”

How do the thoughts you think affect the decisions you make?

Forgiveness Misunderstood

The most common question I (Trisha) get is about forgiveness.

Most of us have a story of being mistreated, betrayed, abused and the list could go on and on. Being a Christian and not forgiving the person(s) that hurt you seems to make no sense all. But lets be honest, even when we think we should forgive we have no idea what that means in the context of OUR own story. Forgiveness can be so frustrating!

Going back to Matthew 18:23-33 and the parable of the Unmerciful Servant, Jesus paints a picture of a servant that owed a great debt to his master. The master chooses to forgive the servant’s large debt completely! The servant then returns home only to demand that one of his servants pay him back in full the small amount he was owed.

The servant was “wicked” because although he was forgiven for his HUGE debt he wouldn’t forgive his servant’s small debt. See this story makes sense right?

But then we realize…oh wait… God are you telling me that I am the unmerciful servant because I won’t forgive…

• My spouse that cheated on me?
• The man who raped me?
• The mother-in-law who constantly puts me down in front of my kids?
• The drunk driver that took the life of my teenage daughter?
• My dad that left me?
• My business partner that cheated my family out of everything we own?
• The church that said they had my back until I screwed-up or was no longer needed?

Seriously, God you are trying to tell me THAT I represent the unmerciful servant?

A couple of months after Justin moved home I felt like God was calling me to write a letter to the “other woman.” I needed to tell her I forgave her. I wanted her to know God had given me eyes to see that the affair was a manifestation of a deeper brokenness within both of them. I told her I loved her and her family and would miss them no longer being a part of my life. The freedom I felt after sending the letter was amazing. I felt like I had closed that chapter of my life (even though I sobbed for days before sending it). Now it was time to move on… so I thought.

Months went by and then years and I never received a response. Over time I felt myself spiraling into that deep place of pain… AGAIN. Slowly the feelings of anger and bitterness started to creep in. I poured my heart out, forgave her, extended grace and she doesn’t even respond?

I think I had offered forgiveness the best way I knew how. What I later realized was that my understanding of forgiveness was really not forgiveness at all.

I thought I was the “Master” forgiving her of her great debt. She was the unmerciful servant never responding to me! But by God’s grace I came to realize what each of you probably don’t want to hear. I realized that I, too, am the unmerciful servant when I choose not to forgive freely!

Jesus died for MY SINS when he did nothing wrong. He was spit at, cursed at, beaten, abused, and hung on a cross to die a slow death so that I could have eternal life. Jesus taught me through his death that forgiveness is not ONLY about giving it freely but that he UNDERSTANDS YOUR PAIN!

Whatever your story, whatever your hurt He knows and understands. Forgiveness is a gift from the Father that gives freedom and life.

Forgiveness is painful. It may at first feel like you are being crucified when trying to forgive. Forgiveness may never make sense and reconciliation may never happen. With or without forgiveness you will feel pain. But what I have learned is that each time I choose to forgive I am set free and healing takes place.

Forgiveness is what has allowed this blog to come into fruition. Forgiveness has allowed me to love Justin in ways I never thought possible. Forgiveness is knowing that if I ever see the “other woman” I would run to her, hug her and tell her I miss her.

Forgiveness leads to freedom.

Have you struggled with understanding what it means to forgive?

Last night, I posted on Twitter a picture of the book we received Monday from the printer. Our friend Ali worked with us over the past few months to design this marriage conference resource. It isn’t as big of a deal as receiving your book from a publisher, but this little booklet is very special to us. This booklet represents a five year journey in our lives and marriage that can only be described as God-ordained.

Trisha and I had no vision for ministry. We had no idea that God would use something so destructive; something so painful and humiliating to provide hope and healing to others.

God in a miraculous way, took something that was meant for harm and hurt and brought about redemption and restoration.

Sharing our story for the first time in 2009 evolved to starting our blog. Our incredible RefineUs community (you) helped us see a vision for ministry again. We established RefineUs Ministries in June 2009. The response continued to grow and God continued to lead and that vision lead to RefineOurMarriage.com, in 2010.

We launched RefineOurMarriage.com in August in hopes of establishing a resource to help restore hope and renew relationships. Our desire is to reach and serve three audiences: spouses in crisis; marriages in process and pastors and churches in need.

We launched our Marriage Coaching program. We began to write content for Marriage Conferences. We opened our schedule up to pastors and spouses who were struggling and have no one to talk to, through OneDays. We agreed to speak at churches and church leadership conferences. God continues to lead in ways that blow our minds every single day.

This weekend we have the honor of partnering with SunCrest Christian Church and lead them in our Refine Our Marriage Retreat. Then on Sunday, we have the opportunity to share with Fox Valley Christian Church, in Batavia, IL. Trisha and I were on staff there in 1997 as their student pastor. We are so excited to be back with them on Sunday.

Why do I share this? Three reasons:

1. Thank you. Thank you to those of you that have been with us since February of 2009. We didn’t even know what a blog was when we started this deal. You have prayed for us. You have encouraged us. You have believed in what God was doing when we were doubting our ability to communicate. You have emailed our posts; retweeted us; shared on Facebook; become a fan of our ministry; been a partner with us through prayer. The couples that hear God’s story this weekend do so because of your faithfulness. Thank you!

2. We want to serve you. The reason we launched RefineOurMarriage.com was to provide resources. There are audio and video downloads. There are PDF downloads; there are several ways we are striving to restore hope and renew relationships. We want to be faithful to share what God has done and can do.

3. Be encouraged. Five years ago at this time, Trisha and I were separated. We didn’t live in the same house. We weren’t sure if our marriage would survive. God is bigger than our mistakes. He is bigger than our hurts. He is bigger than any destruction that may have wrecked your life. He has great plans for you. If He can restore our marriage and redeem us…he can do anything. Be encouraged. God is fighting for you even more than you are fighting for yourself. He has plans for you; plans to give you hope and a future. Live in that today.

We are so thankful for you. We are humbled to be on this journey with you. Please be praying for us this weekend as we share God’s desire and dream for marriage.

We are coming up on the five-year anniversary of my affair. Five years since we lost so much. Five years that we have been gone from the church we started and love. Five years of hard work. Five years of reshaping dreams. Five years of mercy and second chances.

In many ways it has been a long five years. In so many others, it has been the best five years of our lives and marriage. October 9 is a day that we used to dread. By God’s grace and redemption we will celebrate that date again this year.

I can remember sitting in a counseling session one afternoon. The pain of my choices, the guilt in my heart and the hurt I had inflicted on Trisha and our kids was so overwhelming, I didn’t know if I would ever recover. My counselor looked at me and said, “If you are willing, and if you will surrender, five years from now, you will be better for this.” There wasn’t one ounce of me that believed him.

So what is the supernatural formula? What is the magic pill? How can you get through what it is that you are going through and be better for it five years from now?

For someone reading this today, you just found out about your spouses affair. Someone else…you are buried under a pile of debt so large even bankruptcy seems insufficient.

Maybe your marriage has crumbled so much that you’ve lost all hope.

For someone reading this today, your addiction to pornography drives your choices, your marriage and your relationship with God. You are a slave.

Maybe you’ve made some horrible relationship choices and you feel guilty and alone and unworthy.

What if I told you that if you are willing; if you will surrender, five years from now, you will be better for this! Would you believe me?

How can you get there?

One. Day. At. A. Time.

There is no magic formula or fast track to healing and wholeness. It is a daily process that if you choose, will mold you and shape you into the man or woman God created you to be.

Each day that you feel overwhelming sadness and you take it to Jesus, he meets you there. Every day you wake up consumed with guilt, remember and live in the truth that you are offered grace.

Every day that you feel in bondage to your debt, Christ offers you freedom. Every day that you feel hopeless in your marriage, God offers to change you into more of the spouse he has in mind. Every day you feel like a slave to your addiction, you can choose courageous confession and transparency that will loosen its stranglehold around your heart. Every time your heart aches from a broken relationship, Christ offers to redeem that heartache and recreate your heart.

Will it be easy? No. At times, it will hurt like hell. Will you have to make tough choices and sacrifice? Everyday.

Will it be worth it? More than you can imagine.

If you are discouraged today…don’t give up. If you are ready to check out of your marriage, don’t stop fighting. If you are overwhelmed with guilt and shame, don’t discount grace. If you are ready to resign to your addiction, don’t underestimate the freedom God can bring.

Every minute, every hour, every day the choices you make matter. What you are going through now can be restored and redeemed to bring you wholeness and God glory.

One. Day. At. A. Time

Is there an area of your life that you need to live one day at a time?

October 9, 2005 the morning began with a beautiful sunrise. I (Trish) had woken-up at 4:30AM knowing I had to be at church by 6:30AM for rehearsal. Two hours and a brand new outfit was surely what I needed to make myself beautiful. I thought to myself “If I make myself as beautiful as possible then I know he will choose me.”

Church began and I found myself on a stage singing words like “How great is our God.” It was all I could do to lead and not run off the stage in tears. Then Justin spoke. He was sick and losing his voice and I remember him speaking as if all was well. Then it was time for that last song. I’m not sure if I sang it with a heart of desperation or just complete numbness.

I’m guest posting over at my friend Jenni’s Blog today for Affair Week.

YOU CAN READ THE REST OF THIS POST HERE: