Over the last few days we posted our top five viewed posts of 2011. As I was doing the research to determine the top five posts of last year, I was shocked when I saw the single most viewed post of 2011. This post wasn’t even a post that was written in 2011 so I didn’t include it in the top 5.  In fact, this post is almost 2 years old, written in January 2010. But literally thousands of people found this post in 2011 through a Google search.

Seeing this post be the top post wasn’t just shocking, it broke my heart. I know that there were thousands of people in 2011 that were desperate for help; desperate for hope; desperate for direction when they searched and found this post.  I wanted to re-post it today, because January is a tough month for marriage. Over the weekend I received multiple text messages from people looking to help friends that were caught in affairs or admitted affairs.

Trisha wrote this powerful post that we pray will a resource for you or someone you know in 2012. (If you or someone you know is the person that had the affair, here is a post I wrote to help:

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5 Things You Must Do When Your Spouse Has Had an Affair

The pressure of writing this post is a bit overwhelming and my heart is heavy. Not because I think I have all the answers but simply the reality of the broken person who will search for this resource. Remembering that surreal and painful moment of hearing “I’m having an affair.” And now knowing that I may be speaking into your “moment” causes me to stop and pray hard that I don’t mess this up.

As I, write I am reminded that this isn’t about what I’ve done. This post is all about what Christ did for me in my “moment” and how He continues to restore and bring HOPE in what was a very hopeless situation! This post is for YOU the hurting and broken spouse whose world is being turned upside down. I pray my words are encouraging and hope filled as you begin your journey of healing.

1. Grieve!
The Grieving process is a gift from God. As Christians we often feel guilty for being angry, sad or depressed. Knowing your spouse has had an affair is like being told they have died. All that you have thought to be true about your marriage and your spouse is now dead. It is OK to be angry! It is OK to feel depressed! It is OK to feel confused! It is OK to feel hopeless. Just because you feel these emotions it doesn’t change who God is and the love he has for you.

Grieving is the start to the restoration process and maybe not for your marriage but for you as a person and child of God. While it can be unhealthy to get stuck in one of the stages of grief it is essential to grieve and understand that with grieving comes healing!

2. Get Help! You Need Community.
When Justin said “I’m having an affair” it seemed that all my community disappeared. The affair was with my best friend and staff member of our church. The two people I should be able to turn to in a crisis were no longer there. It was SO LONELY. I was confused, tired, disoriented and in desperate need of help. The Lord brought an amazing group of women who despite hurting themselves loved me, embraced me and helped me SURVIVE the next few days and weeks.

I don’t know who this is for you. Pray that God would bring people to mind and trust those people to help you. I know it’s hard. Here I lost the two people closest to me and now had to trust others? Community may not be easy but IT’S A MUST. You need community for the sake of your family, your mental health and for a covering of prayer.

3. Create Boundaries / Create a Plan
I often say that just like with parenting there are general principles we can apply when parenting our children but if you’re a parent you know that each child is different. The same is true for your marriage. Although there are general steps you can take for your marriage, each marriage is different and your boundaries and plan will look different from mine.

Justin was NOT broken at the beginning of his confession! He was cold and made it very clear he was not in love with me and was not coming home. This was MY reality and I needed to create healthy boundaries. I kicked him out of our house. I created a new checking account and took the majority of our money. I had someone help me understand our finances because Justin did everything. I had a couple that helped me connect with Justin to take our boys since I wasn’t speaking to him. The list goes on and on. But with a plan and clear boundaries it gave my boys and I stability when my life was falling apart and time and space to begin to heal.

4. Counseling. Counseling. Counseling.
Let me first say that just because someone is a counselor that doesn’t mean they are good at what they do! Justin and I were so blessed by two amazing counselors Kathy (JD’s counselor) and Dan our marriage counselor. I don’t care if it takes you 5 tries to find a counselor your comfortable with YOU NEED TO GO.

Dan helped me navigate my emotions of the hurtful details Justin would share with me. He gave me tools to know how to grieve in a way that is healthy. He taught me that it was ok to “go after Justin” in sessions and demand the truth. He helped me to see my own junk and brokenness instead of hiding behind Justin’s. He allowed me to be angry but helped me not to become bitter. Each session we had to trust and choose to take ownership and action to step into that path of healing he was helping to provide.

5. Identity Thief / Finding Who You Are
It’s emotional to write this one. Who am I? What do I do from here? What will my family and friends say or do? What will my work do? Will I find a job to support my family? Am I really a single parent now? What if he marries her? How do I tell my kids? How do I walk my kids into school knowing half of our congregation will be there? God why? God what do I do? I worked so hard. I sacrificed so much just for this?

I no longer knew who I was. I hadn’t realized how I used so many other titles such as pastor’s wife, mom and friend to find my identity. The loss of so much brought me to my knees. Yet it allowed me to see that the only identity that matters is who I am in Christ. A loved daughter of the king and in time Jesus would teach me that this is enough.

Each year during the week between Christmas and New Years we post the Top 5 Posts of the previous year. Today through the end of the year, we will post the top five posts of 2011. We hope you enjoy this short recap of the year and can’t wait to see all that God does at RefineUs in 2012.

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Last Monday I got a text message from a good friend. The text said, “I need your help. A friend of mine is a pastor and he has confessed an affair. I don’t know what to do to help.”

The text broke my heart. It broke my heart for this pastor. It broke my heart for his wife and his kids. It broke my heart for the church that found out yesterday about his unfaithfulness.

There is a verse in Proverbs that came to my mind as I thought about this pastor…because it not only applies to him, but to me and maybe to you.

There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death

As I was thinking about this verse, I thought about the path to an affair. There is a definite path to choosing an affair. It isn’t one big step into sin, but rather several small steps and compromises here and there.

Here is the certain path to an affair:

• Believe that it will never happen to you

• Choose to equate accountability with transparency

• Find your identity in something other than Christ

• Be willing to tell little lies or leave out part of the truth when it will benefit you

• Place more of a weight on what others think about you than what your spouse thinks about you

• Pretend to be closer to God than you really are

• Overcome your insecurities and low self esteem with a false pride and arrogance

• Ignore sexual brokenness from your past and believe it won’t affect your marriage

• Romanticize a relationship with someone else as being more fulfilling than your relationship with your spouse

It is easy to look back on an affair and see the choices and compromises that were made along the way. What if we didn’t wait until the choices we can’t undo were made before we changed? What if we changed the direction of our marriage now? What if you chose to walk a path that leads to life in your marriage, today?

What if more people recognized the path before they were on it? That is why RefineUs exists.

We are fighting for you…and so is God.

Today’s guest post comes from Amy Bennett. Amy connected with RefineUs and has been a huge encouragement to us. She released a new e-book yesterday entitled, Entangled.

You can follow Amy on Twitter: @amyjbennett

You can find her blog and download her new e-book here: Permission to Peruse

“It’s just…”. We say this all the time to rationalize all kinds of things.  If you’re on a diet and you want dessert, you say, “It’s just one piece of cake.”  If you’re on an exercise plan and you don’t feel like going one day, you say, “It’s just one day, I can get back on track tomorrow.”  If you’re out with friends, you might say, “It’s just one drink.”  You see the picture.  Rarely is it just anything.  Those small things turn into habits and before you know it, you’ve blown any resolve you had at the start.

After saying “it’s just …” more times than I can count, six years ago I found myself in an emotional affair with a coworker. It started with something like “it’s just lunch with a friend.”  It quickly moved on to “it’s just a daydream; I’m allowed to daydream.” Before long, I was saying all kinds of “it’s just”s. “It’s just a poem.”  “It’s just a song.”  “It’s just a conversation.”  “It’s just lunch.”  “It’s just a text message.”
I didn’t wake up one day in an emotional affair.  The progression was paved with excuses and justifications.  We have to be viligent and aware of when we’re saying “it’s just …”.  It’s likely we’re on roads we never thought we’d travel.

I’d love to share more about my emotional affair and so many things God taught me through the healing of my marriage in my new eBook, Entangled.

Last Monday I got a text message from a good friend. The text said, “I need your help. A friend of mine is a pastor and he has confessed an affair. I don’t know what to do to help.”

The text broke my heart. It broke my heart for this pastor. It broke my heart for his wife and his kids. It broke my heart for the church that found out yesterday about his unfaithfulness.

There is a verse in Proverbs that came to my mind as I thought about this pastor…because it not only applies to him, but to me and maybe to you.

There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death

As I was thinking about this verse, I thought about the path to an affair. There is a definite path to choosing an affair. It isn’t one big step into sin, but rather several small steps and compromises here and there.

Here is the certain path to an affair:

• Believe the lie that it will never happen to you

• Choose to equate accountability with transparency

• Find your identity in something other than Christ

• Be willing to tell little lies or leave out part of the truth when it will benefit you

• Place more of a weight on what others think about you than what your spouse thinks about you

• Pretend to be closer to God than you really are

• Overcome your insecurities and low self esteem with a false pride and arrogance

• Ignore sexual brokenness from your past and believe it won’t affect your marriage

• Romanticize a relationship with someone else as being more fulfilling than your relationship with your spouse

It is easy to look back on an affair and see the choices and compromises that were made along the way. What if we didn’t wait until the choices we can’t undo were made before we changed? What if we changed the direction of our marriage now? What if you chose to walk a path that leads to life in your marriage, today?

What if more people recognized the path before they were on it? That is why RefineUs exists.

We are fighting for you…and so is God.

When we share our story, what gets the headlines is the other woman. The detail that people like to talk about is how I, as a pastor, could have an affair with my wife’s best friend. The other woman represents a huge mistake. The other woman symbolizes a gigantic fall from grace. How could I stray so far away from God and my wife into a relationship with the other woman?

What people notice is the result of sin and often miss the process of sin.

Sin has a way of messing with your mind. It wears you down. Often sin’s greatest strength is not that it causes you to take giant leaps away from God…its that it lures you into tiny, unnoticeable, justifiable steps. It doesn’t always come against you with blatant lies; it just distorts and twists the truth. It hides, it compromises, it shades, and it bends.

What we begin to believe is that choosing our own way will work out. It will be okay. We can get over it. People will heal. It’s not that big of a deal. We are too talented to fail. We are too smart to get caught. We are too gifted to allow compromise to catch up to us.

You may not be choosing the other woman today, but you are contemplating the little choices that lead that direction. Sin taunts you. It tempts you. It distorts truth.

It’s not an affair…it’s just text messages. A little Internet porn never hurt anyone. You deserve to have someone listen to you, and if your husband won’t you’re your old boyfriend on Facebook is the next best thing. Your wife doesn’t admire or respect you anymore, but your secretary does. Leaving your wife won’t damage your kids that much. Telling one lie doesn’t make you a liar. It’s not cheating; you’re just being flirtatious.

Philippians 4:8 says “ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”

How do the thoughts you think affect the decisions you make?

It happens almost every week. Sometimes it happens a few times per week. We receive an email; a Facebook message or yesterday this was posted on my Facebook wall:

Please help me help my friend navigate through the restoration of her marriage. She had an affair, which was revealed a week ago. Her family wants her out of the house. She wants restoration and is doing the right things to move that way. How can this marriage be restored? Is it best to give the family space to heal or should she stay? Thank you so much for your help.

When an affair is revealed it is the equivalent on a marital level as the moment cancer is found on a medical level. The illness was there all along, now everyone is aware of it.

One of the most common questions we get is, “Now what?”

While every situation is different; every person is different; every marriage is different; we almost always advise people that navigate infidelity to separate.

Separation was something that Trisha would have never chose on her own…in fact she begged me to come home. But we firmly believe our marriage is restored today because she listened to a counselor from Focus on the Family when they advised her to kick me out.

Separation after an affair is the opposite of what you think should happen. Shouldn’t you beg them to come home? Shouldn’t you promise you will do anything if they will just choose you? Shouldn’t you try to prove how much you love them? Shouldn’t you overlook their infidelity and just hope you can convince them to love you again?

We believe in restoration. We believe God can bring any marriage back from the dead. We believe that there is no one, and no marriage beyond the radical redemptive power of Christ. But we also know that separation gives each person the time and space to pursue what only Christ can give.

For the person whose hurting, this will be the last thing you feel like doing. Separation sets boundaries. Separation creates ground rules. Separation allows each person to heal without having to see each when one or both aren’t emotionally ready for a conversation or confrontation. Separation prevents more damage being done because of proximity.

For me personally, separation broke me. Separation caused me to realize the severe consequences of my choices. Separation brought a huge dose of reality to what my life would be like seeing my kids on Wednesday and every other weekend. Separation allowed me to seek God and find desperation for Him even above my desire to be married.

Separation works when both people are committed to restoration. Separation works when both spouses are willing to own the dysfunction they brought into their marriage. Separation works when both husband and wife are committed to allowing God to change them and heal them as they work toward living together again. (Separation also only works if both are committed to marriage counseling.)

Should everyone who has experienced an affair separate? No. Should everyone consider it and talk about it with a counselor? Yes.

Not separating appears easier. Not separating saves others perception of you. Not separating allows you to pretend like things are okay even though they aren’t. Our experience is that not separating often cuts short the healing process.

There are no shortcuts to recovering from an affair. The path is long and it hurts like hell. There are times that you will have to choose the exact opposite of what you feel, so you can have the opposite of an affair…restoration.

What are your thoughts on separation?

Are you one of those people that at an early age just knew what you wanted to do with your life? Our guest blogger today is one of those people. Alece at the tender age of 19 got a one-way ticket to Africa and never looked back. Over the next decade she would fall in love with a South African man, get married and together build an amazing ministry that would impact thousands!

But what happens when the life you’ve always dreamed of and are living comes to a crushing end? How do transition from the life you once knew to the new reality of the life your living now? I don’t think Alece really knows the answers to those questions. She is in the midst of her transition.

BUT THIS IS WHY IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO READ WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY…

It’s always easier to share your struggle after you’re sober, or healed or reconciled. Christians so often rob one another the time and space to grieve and fight through the heart aches of life.  I’m so proud of Alece for trusting each of you with her heart today. There is no pretty bow to wrap around her story although I (Trisha) desperately want one for her. Rather, her’s is a declaration of trusting God in the midst of the pain. Sometimes simply choosing to trust HIM is the win.

You can read Alece’s Blog Here: Grit And Glory

You can follow her on Twitter: @gritandglory

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Something’s Gotta Give

Two years ago, when my husband confessed to an 18-month affair, I didn’t think things could get any worse.

And then he filed for divorce.

And I had to close the ministry I launched 13 years ago.

And I had to give up my home, my car, almost all my possessions, and move back to America. Where I currently am living out of a suitcase, in people’s guest rooms, with no income and no plan.

I’d say Transition has slapped me around pretty good.

And, being the bully that he is, Transition won’t leave me alone.

Change is my only constant. And I’ve gotta be honest…

I hate it.

It makes me want to scream. It makes me cry ugly tears. It makes me want to cuss.

I’ve lost so much to unrelenting Transition.

And — sigh — I don’t think I’ve handled it very well. I haven’t carried myself very gracefully through these changes.

I’m pretty sure I allowed Transition to steal my faith, hope, and joy along with everything else.

Something’s gotta give…

I ended 2010 so ready to kick the year to the curb. But at the stroke of midnight, things didn’t miraculously change.

And now, I find myself looking around, wondering where’s the “new” in the new year. Everything’s still the same. Only the calendar’s different.

Transition’s still taking a wrecking ball to my life. Hope still seems scarce. Tears I didn’t know I had left, keep coming. The hard days continue.

And I know they will.

So I made the decision to look for God’s hand in the midst of the hard.

My eyes have been blindfolded by Transition for too long.

I want to actively search for God in my brokenness. Seek out His beauty in my pile of ashes. Face the continual tide of change on my tip-toes, looking for God where I haven’t seen Him before.

I haven’t quite mustered up the strength to steal back my faith, hope, and joy. But I’m at least going to start looking for them. Which is more than I’ve done in a long time.

I can’t stop change from coming. I cannot.

But I can choose to remember that He holds my ever-changing life in His never-changing hand.

Take that, Transition.

On Sunday, I had the opportunity to speak at Cross Point in our Light Series. I spoke on Light being embodied by Grace. I talked about the importance for those of us who have received grace to extend it to others. For years I looked at grace as something that would change the people to whom I gave it. What I’ve realized recently is that grace changes me as I give it.

Here is an excerpt of the message:

The supernatural ability of grace is not just its ability to transform the person you extend it to. The supernatural ability of grace is its ability to transform you, as you extend it.

God calls us to give grace as much for us as for those to which we are called to give it.

Here is the deal today…you will not always feel like doing this. This is a difficult way to live. Not holding a grudge will be difficult. Accepting the unacceptable will not be easy. Overcoming resentment and bitterness will not be popular. There will be times that the last thing you feel like doing is forgiving.

Your husband owes you. Your mom let you down. Your wife broke your trust. Your dad abused you. You will not always feel like giving grace.

Often, extending grace is more about obedience than it is about feelings.

Doesn’t giving grace just excuse their choice to hurt me? Don’t they in a sense just get away with that they’ve done when I give them grace? How can that be fair?

Grace doesn’t excuse their behavior; grace prevents their behavior from hardening your heart.

When I got home, Trisha told me a story of a woman that goes to our church. Every year for the past several years this grace-giving woman has chosen to overcome her feelings and be obedient to something she feels God has called her to do.

A few days before Christmas, she loads her four kids up and drives them several states away. She drops them off at their dad’s house so they can spend Christmas day with their dad, while she stays with her sister. This would be a sacrifice under normal circumstances. But this is grace at a different level.

He had an affair. He left her and married the woman with whom he had the affair. Out of obedience to what she feels God has laid on her heart, she drives her kids all the way to him (them) so her kids can have the memory of Christmas with their father.

Does she feel like it? I’d bet money that she doesn’t. But what she does every time she makes that drive is she disarms the power of resentment and bitterness. She releases the control of someone’s choice to affect her heart. She doesn’t validate his choice, she chooses to not allow his choice to define her and ruin her. She extends grace.

Grace may never change him, but it changes her.

Is there a person in your life this Christmas that needs grace? Will you give it even if you don’t feel like it?

There are several people each week that contact us through our blog and ask us how to avoid having an affair. Some are newly married and don’t want make the same mistake I did. Some are on the verge of crossing some boundaries that they promised their spouse they would never cross. No matter where you are in your marriage today…these five things we believe will serve to affair-proof your marriage.

1.     Pursue God

I’ve never talked to anyone who has cheated on their spouse who has told me that their relationship with God was healthy when they had an affair. The truth is that your marriage will not be perfect. You will have problems. You will face temptation. But if you are pursuing God; His Word; His truth and allowing Him to form you and shape you, that is the best thing you can do to affair-proof your marriage.

2.     Pursue Your Spouse

It is hard to fall out of love with someone you are pursuing. It is difficult to lose interest in someone that you are prioritizing. Other people don’t look so attractive when you are setting aside time to pursue and date your spouse. Most couples lose interest in one another because they fail to spend time with one another. Sitting next to each other at your kid’s soccer game or a band concert doesn’t count. Date your spouse. Buy her flowers. Put perfume on before he gets home from work. Go out on a date that isn’t the movies. Talk. Laugh. Pursue.

3.     Don’t Fantasize About Someone Else

All sin starts in our mind. I’ve never heard anyone say, “I never thought about that, it just happened.” All sin starts as a thought. The Bible calls it temptation. Temptation is normal. Temptation is common. Temptation is something that you are guaranteed to face. Jesus experienced temptation. Temptation becomes sinful when it moves to fantasy. When you begin to fantasize about someone other than your spouse, you have already broken intimacy in your heart and mind with your husband or wife. It is why the Bible says to guard our hearts. It’s why the Bible says that what ever is pure and lovely and true…to think on those things. Affairs always start in our mind.

4.     Share Your Secrets

Every time we withhold truth from our spouse we create distance in our marriage. Oneness is how the Bible describes our marriage relationship. Secrets have no part of oneness. Secrets break oneness. The word intimacy means, “to be fully known.” When we don’t allow our spouse to fully know us, we compromise intimacy. I am not saying that keeping secrets from your spouse will cause you to have an affair. I am saying that not keeping secrets from your spouse will prevent you from having an affair. It is hard to for sin to grow in light. It is hard for deceit to grow in the context of authentic truth.

5.     Have Sex

Physical intimacy is a gift from God. It will not solve all of your marriage problems. But if you are committed to pursuing God; pursuing your spouse; keeping your mind and heart pure; sexual intimacy will strengthen the oneness in your relationship like nothing else can. Our culture uses sex to sell for a reason…it is a powerful force in our lives. It can and should be a powerful force in our marriages as well. (Guys, you can print this off and show it to your wife, after you’ve done #1 & #2 )

These are our five, what would you add to the list?

Three years ago I sat in a Starbucks in downtown Indianapolis talking with an old friend. Mark and his wife have played a huge role in our life, in our marriage and in our ministry. I worked for Mark for three years. He is the founding and senior pastor of Oakbrook Church. I’ve always looked up to him. He spoke truth into my life. He was an encouragement to me. He was the first person to tell me that I had the gift of teaching and he wanted to help me become a better teacher; a better leader; a better pastor.

In this moment, I sat across from him trying to explain the slow fade of my character that lead to the affair. It was a tough conversation. I had that feeling you get in your gut when you know you’ve disappointed a coach or a teacher or a parent. I knew he loved me…but I knew he was disappointed.

He asked me a question that I still think about today: “How are you going to make this up to Trisha?”

I didn’t have an answer. How do you make up something so big? I simply said “Mark, there is no way I can ever make this up to Trisha. All I can do is allow God to redeem what I will never be able to redeem.”

I didn’t realize at the time how much I would need to repeat those words to myself. Guilt is powerful. Shame can control you.  Disgrace can consume your heart. Somehow it is easy for us to come to a place where we think we can redeem ourselves. We can make up for our mistakes. We can erase the past.

If we can be better…if we don’t lose our temper…if we don’t look at pornography again…if we can not be so controlling…if we can not gripe as much…if we can do our part around the house…listen more…come home earlier…work less…make less mistakes…Then somehow we can redeem ourselves. We can even the scales. We can make everything right.

When you and I try to redeem ourselves, we humanize grace.

Will you allow me to speak to your heart today?  You can’t redeem yourself.

You weren’t created to be the Redeemer. As you are trying to redeem your past, you are carrying the weight that only Jesus Christ can carry. You are trying to be your own messiah.

Jesus offers not just to save you from your sins, but also to save you from yourself. Allow him to bring the redemption you long for.

The truth is you can’t always make up for the past…but God can redeem your past if you will let Him.

Do you struggle with trying to redeem yourself?