Three years ago I sat in a Starbucks in downtown Indianapolis talking with an old friend. Mark and his wife have played a huge role in our life, in our marriage and in our ministry. I worked for Mark for three years. He is the founding and senior pastor of Oakbrook Church. I’ve always looked up to him. He spoke truth into my life. He was an encouragement to me. He was the first person to tell me that I had the gift of teaching and he wanted to help me become a better teacher; a better leader; a better pastor.

In this moment, I sat across from him trying to explain the slow fade of my character that lead to the affair. It was a tough conversation. I had that feeling you get in your gut when you know you’ve disappointed a coach or a teacher or a parent. I knew he loved me…but I knew he was disappointed.

He asked me a question that I still think about today: “How are you going to make this up to Trisha?”

I didn’t have an answer. How do you make up something so big? I simply said “Mark, there is no way I can ever make this up to Trisha. All I can do is allow God to redeem what I will never be able to redeem.”

I didn’t realize at the time how much I would need to repeat those words to myself. Guilt is powerful. Shame can control you.  Disgrace can consume your heart. Somehow it is easy for us to come to a place where we think we can redeem ourselves. We can make up for our mistakes. We can erase the past.

If we can be better…if we don’t lose our temper…if we don’t look at pornography again…if we can not be so controlling…if we can not gripe as much…if we can do our part around the house…listen more…come home earlier…work less…make less mistakes…Then somehow we can redeem ourselves. We can even the scales. We can make everything right.

When you and I try to redeem ourselves, we humanize grace.

Will you allow me to speak to your heart today?  You can’t redeem yourself.

You weren’t created to be the Redeemer. As you are trying to redeem your past, you are carrying the weight that only Jesus Christ can carry. You are trying to be your own messiah.

Jesus offers not just to save you from your sins, but also to save you from yourself. Allow him to bring the redemption you long for.

The truth is you can’t always make up for the past…but God can redeem your past if you will let Him.

Do you struggle with trying to redeem yourself?

October 9, 2005 the morning began with a beautiful sunrise. I (Trish) had woken-up at 4:30AM knowing I had to be at church by 6:30AM for rehearsal. Two hours and a brand new outfit was surely what I needed to make myself beautiful. I thought to myself “If I make myself as beautiful as possible then I know he will choose me.”

Church began and I found myself on a stage singing words like “How great is our God.” It was all I could do to lead and not run off the stage in tears. Then Justin spoke. He was sick and losing his voice and I remember him speaking as if all was well. Then it was time for that last song. I’m not sure if I sang it with a heart of desperation or just complete numbness.

I’m guest posting over at my friend Jenni’s Blog today for Affair Week.

YOU CAN READ THE REST OF THIS POST HERE:

There are certain things that I write about and talk about that are harder than others. The most difficult things to discuss for me are the personal, intentional decisions that I made to have an affair. Selfish. Cruel. Mean. Dark.

There are some things in life we can chalk up to circumstances. There are some things that we can attribute to someone elses’ choices. But then there are the things in life that we choose that cause tremendous hurt and damage and have severe consequences. Those are what haunt me the most. My thoughts are typically “If I would have just chosen to do that one thing differently.” “Things could have been so much different if I would have done this…” Haunting.

I heard someone say one time in reference to making mistakes “You can stub your toe a hundred times, but you can only cut your throat once.” For me, I had two decision points: one that was near fatal, and one that decimated not only my family, but also another family and an entire church.

I’m guest posting today for Affair Week on my friend Jenni Clayville’s Blog:

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THIS POST

What a rich few days it has been talking about forgiveness. I am so thankful to Trisha for her willingness to share so honestly about her journey of forgiveness. She is going to wrap up the series tomorrow with a post on restoration.

A few weeks after the affair, Trisha and I sat in a counseling session. Tension was thick. Hurts ran deep. Restoration wasn’t in sight. Our counselor began to talk to Trish about the process of forgiveness. After a few minutes, Trisha looked at the counselor, then she looked at me, and with tears in her eyes she said, “I know I can forgive you, I just don’t know if I can trust you.”

A common mistake people make is they confuse forgiveness with trust. Forgiveness, according to Scripture should be offered unconditionally. In fact, if there are conditions, then it isn’t forgiveness. But trust has to be earned.

If you have been hurt; betrayed; abused; cheated on; lied to then it is easy to confuse these two things. In fact, so many people that we talk to often feel like they haven’t fully forgiven because their trust hasn’t been restored. Forgiveness is a process, there is no doubt about that, but trust is a prized possession. Once your trust has been broken, it becomes even more valuable.

As someone who has broken ultimate trust in my marriage can I encourage you? Offer forgiveness freely; offer trust slowly.

Healing doesn’t come all at once. When you’ve been hurt, lied to or betrayed your heart is in a vulnerable state. What you want most is what you used to have. What you long for is life before the porn; before the sexting; before the lie; before the cheating; before the Facebook relationship. What you are tempted to do is to equate forgiveness with trust…and when you do that you short-circuit your healing and the one whose broken your trust’s restoration.

If you desire the relationship to be restored, begin to communicate things that will build your trust. Give the person who’s hurt you an opportunity to earn your trust. Don’t withhold forgiveness in this process. Communicate honestly, openly and allow the Holy Spirit to prompt you. What you shouldn’t be is fearful or paranoid…rather wise and discerning.

If you have broken trust in a relationship, it is so easy for you as well to confuse forgiveness with trust. Your feeling is “If you have really forgiven me, then we wouldn’t be having these conversations.” Ask yourself this question, “Has my spouse (friend, sister, daughter) not forgiven me, or do they not trust me?” When you confuse forgiveness with trust you begin to think that you can never do enough to be forgiven.

My guess is that it is much easier for your spouse to forgive you than it is to trust you. Pay the price. Seek to do the little things that will earn trust.

The currency of any relationship is trust. Maybe today your relationship seems bankrupt because you’ve confused trust with forgiveness.

The truth is that in every relationship, forgiveness should be free…but trust has to be earned.

Have you confused forgiveness with trust?

When you grow up in church, there is really only one unpardonable sin. The Bible says that it is blasphemy, but in the church world I grew up in, it was adultery. When Trisha and I left ministry in 2005 due to my affair, I had no idea what the future held, but one thing I was sure of: God was done with me.

About a year after we left ministry, we came to Nashville to stay with our good friends, Pete and Brandi. They had journeyed with us through so much; coming to their house was a retreat in many ways. One afternoon, Pete and I sat and talked and he said something that I didn’t think was true, and had a hard time hearing. He said, “God isn’t through with you, yet.” Whatever.

Over the next three years, God began to do a work in Trisha and I and lay a burden on our heart for ministry. We began sharing our story, helping couples restore hope in their marriage. That is how RefineUs Ministries was started. But the passion we had for the local church began to burn white-hot again.

One year ago today, we had the honor of coming on staff at Cross Point. What an incredible year it has been. To see now what only God could have resurrected in our hearts, and in our ministry is unbelievable.

I’d like to share with you three things I’ve learned over the past year that may speak to your heart today.

1. It isn’t your past sins that disqualify you for ministry, it is the condition of your heart.

Here is what is wild: I was disqualified for ministry years before the affair started. The pattern of hiding and running and pretending and posturing existed in my life long before the affair manifested itself. Because things were going so well with my ministry, it was easier to hide my struggles.

Maybe some of you have given up on yourself because of mistakes you’ve made years ago. Can I share with you what Pete shared with me: “God isn’t finished with you yet.” God cares so much more about the condition of your heart than he does the mistakes of your past.

2. The gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. (Romans 11:29)

This verse doesn’t mean that the gifts and calling of God are beyond accountability or purity. But it does mean that just because you’ve made mistakes God doesn’t just rip away your giftedness and your calling. If He called you, and He gifted you, then He has plans for you. It took me a few years to believe this. But what I have seen is that the more I have sought brokenness the more opportunity He has given me to live out my calling. I get cautious when people desire the gifts of God more than they desire brokenness.

3. When giftedness outweighs character, implosion is on the horizon.

If you are a gifted person you will be given responsibility. If you are a gifted person, people will be drawn to you. If you spend more time developing your gifts than you do deepening your character, implosion isn’t a matter of IF, it is a matter of WHEN.

Giftedness is sexy. Giftedness is visible. Giftedness gets noticed; gains opportunity; gives you reputation. Character is often compromised so that giftedness can take center stage. As I have reentered ministry and been given more responsibility and more opportunities to teach and lead, I know that my character is the most important aspect of my ministry.

Maybe today, you feel like God is done with you. You’ve sinned beyond God’s ability to use you. You’ve messed up more than can ever be redeemed. Take it from this cheating pastor…

God isn’t done with you. God has plans for you. He is the God of the second chance.

{We continue the series of reposts today, hoping to reach people who have experienced an affair but have a desire to restore their marriage. It IS possible. Yesterday we heard from so many people who used Trisha’s post as a resource for a loved one, friend or family member. Please pass this post along to anyone you know that might need it.}

Today, Trisha and I are continuing a two-part post on things that you must do if you want to restore your marriage after an affair. The title says 5 Things…I’ve listed 6. We have couples ask us all the time where to start this process…what MUST they do…these 6 things are where to start.

1. Totally Surrender and Repent Before God
There is a huge difference between being sorry for the consequences of your sin, and being sorry for your sin. I lived most of my life with a sliding scale of sorrow. The more severe the consequences, the more I was sorry. If you have a true desire to restore your marriage, superficial repentance won’t due. Allow God to crush you. Allow God to destroy every part of you that went numb to the pain you were causing your wife, your kids, your family, yourself. Allow Him to break your teeth against gravel, (Lamentations 3) and totally surrender and repent.

2. Cut all ties with the person with whom you have had the affair
This is a non-negotiable. I have talked with couples who have not done this, and 6 months later, 2 years later, 4 years later the emotional or physical affair begins again. Change your email address, change your cell phone number, sell your house and move, quit your job, go to a different church…whatever it takes to cut all ties with this person, you must do.

3. Submit every minute of your life to a trusted friend
For the first two months after the affair came out, I didn’t have much contact with my wife, Trisha. We were separated. I didn’t know if our marriage would make it, but I wanted to be a different person, even if she decided to divorce me. I would call the people I was staying with or text them with every move I made during the day. “I am working at PF Changs from 11-2, I am stopping by Starbucks to meet with Jeff, I will be to the house by 4PM.” I had lost the ability to be trusted and honestly, I had lost the ability to trust myself. I knew that I needed complete transparency in my life. Grace is free, but trust is earned.

4. Get to a Christian counselor that specializes in marriage restoration
This was a huge step for me, and for our marriage. My wife had asked me to go to counseling on several occasions before the affair. I was too proud to admit we had problems that I couldn’t fix. Initially, I went to counseling every day but Friday, for about a month. We then went 3 times per week for about 4 months. It was hard, it was vulnerable, it was uncomfortable…but it not only saved my marriage, I think it saved my life.

5. Come clean early and often as you try to rebuild trust
As you begin to uncover the lies and the deception of your affair, your spouse will have a lot of questions. TELL THE FREAKING TRUTH! For the first 30 days of our restoration, I held back parts of the truth I thought would be too hurtful, too damaging, too much for Trisha to handle. HUGE mistake. What your spouse needs is for all of the lies, all of the half-truths, all of the second guessing to go away. Only the light of truth can penetrate the darkness of lies. The more you tell the truth and the earlier in the process you share that truth, the more opportunity you give your spouse to hit bottom, so they can begin to heal. (This step is listed under counseling for a reason. Your spouse will need the help of a counselor to process all of the lies that are exposed in this step.)

6. Be willing to do whatever it takes to restore your marriage
I meet with people who have had affairs and they can’t believe their spouse wants to separate. They are upset that their spouse wants to see their cell phone. They are mad that their spouse has asked them to shut down Facebook or wants their password for their email. Give me a break! If you aren’t willing to quit your job to save your marriage…something is wrong. If you aren’t willing to stop traveling to save your marriage…something is wrong. If you aren’t willing to stop chatting over Facebook to save your marriage, something is wrong. If you have broken your marriage covenant with an extra marital affair, and you are saying you want to restore your marriage…put your money where your mouth is!

{ We are reposting this series of posts today and tomorrow as a resource for you to pass on to those you know who are in this situation. We’d be honored if you would retweet and post this on Facebook to share this message with as many hurting people as possible. }

The pressure of writing this post is a bit overwhelming and my heart is heavy. Sigh… not because I think I have all the answers but simply the reality of the broken person who will search for this resource. Remembering that surreal and painful moment of hearing “I’m having an affair.” And now knowing that I may be speaking into your “moment” causes me to stop and pray hard that I don’t mess this up.

As I (Trisha), write I am reminded that this isn’t about what I’ve done. This post is all about what Christ did for me in my “moment” and how He continues to restore and bring HOPE in what was a very hopeless situation! This post is for YOU the hurting and broken spouse whose world is being turned upside down. I pray my words are encouraging and hope filled as you begin your journey of healing.

1. Grieve!
The Grieving process is a gift from God. As Christians we often feel guilty for being angry, sad or depressed. Knowing your spouse has had an affair is like being told they have died. All that you have thought to be true about your marriage and your spouse is now dead. It is OK to be angry! It is OK to feel depressed! It is OK to feel confused! It is OK to feel hopeless. Just because you feel these emotions it doesn’t change who God is and the love he has for you.

Grieving is the start to the restoration process and maybe not for your marriage but for you as a person and child of God. While it can be unhealthy to get stuck in one of the stages of grief it is essential to grieve and understand that with grieving comes healing!

2. Get Help! You Need Community.
When Justin said “I’m having an affair” it seemed that all my community disappeared. The affair was with my best friend and staff member of our church. The two people I should be able to turn to in a crisis were no longer there. It was SO LONELY. I was confused, tired, disoriented and in desperate need of help. The Lord brought an amazing group of women who despite hurting themselves loved me, embraced me and helped me SURVIVE the next few days and weeks.

I don’t know who this is for you. Pray that God would bring people to mind and trust those people to help you. I know it’s hard. Here I lost the two people closest to me and now had to trust others? Community may not be easy but IT’S A MUST. You need community for the sake of your family, your mental health and for a covering of prayer.

3. Create Boundaries / Create a Plan
I often say that just like with parenting there are general principles we can apply when parenting our children but if you’re a parent you know that each child is different. The same is true for your marriage. Although there are general steps you can take for your marriage, each marriage is different and your boundaries and plan will look different from mine.

Justin was NOT broken at the beginning of his confession! He was cold and made it very clear he was not in love with me and was not coming home. This was MY reality and I needed to create healthy boundaries. I kicked him out of our house. I created a new checking account and took the majority of our money. I had someone help me understand our finances because Justin did everything. I had a couple that helped me connect with Justin to take our boys since I wasn’t speaking to him. The list goes on and on. But with a plan and clear boundaries it gave my boys and I stability when my life was falling apart and time and space to begin to heal.

4. Counseling. Counseling. Counseling.
Let me first say that just because someone is a counselor that doesn’t mean they are good at what they do! Justin and I were so blessed by two amazing counselors Kathy (JD’s counselor) and Dan our marriage counselor. I don’t care if it takes you 5 tries to find a counselor your comfortable with YOU NEED TO GO.

Dan helped me navigate my emotions of the hurtful details Justin would share with me. He gave me tools to know how to grieve in a way that is healthy. He taught me that it was ok to “go after Justin” in sessions and demand the truth. He helped me to see my own junk and brokenness instead of hiding behind Justin’s. He allowed me to be angry but helped me not to become bitter. Each session we had to trust and choose to take ownership and action to step into that path of healing he was helping to provide.

5. Identity Thief / Finding Who You Are
It’s emotional to write this one. Who am I? What do I do from here? What will my family and friends say or do? What will my work do? Will I find a job to support my family? Am I really a single parent now? What if he marries her? How do I tell my kids? How do I walk my kids into school knowing half of our congregation will be there? God why? God what do I do? I worked so hard. I sacrificed so much just for this?

I no longer knew who I was. I hadn’t realized how I used so many other titles such as pastor’s wife, mom and friend to find my identity. The loss of so much brought me to my knees. Yet it allowed me to see that the only identity that matters is who I am in Christ. A loved daughter of the king and in time Jesus would teach me that this is enough.

About a month after Trisha and I separated, we went to our counselor’s office for a very pivotal appointment. The first phase of forgiveness had taken place; trust had begun to be repaired; Trisha had allowed herself to be vulnerable again. The mission of this appointment was to confess anything that I had not confessed about the affair over the course of the previous thirty days. We walked in, and our counselor asked if I had anything to say. Unfortunately, I did have something to say. I had details that I had withheld for the previous month that I confessed right then.

Read the rest of this post on our friend Lindsey Nobles’ Blog. We have the honor of guest posting there today.

I wonder how much of my (Justin) life I’ve wasted being insecure? For the first 32 years of my life, I am not sure there was another dysfunction that drove my life more than insecurity. I got cut from the basketball team in 7^th and 8^th grade, and from that point forward, I always worried I wouldn’t be good enough.

Everyone deals with insecurity differently. I dealt with it by pretending to be better than I really was. I acted like I was closer to God than I really was. I dressed like I had more money than I really had. I spoke with more confidence than I really had. I portrayed that I was a better husband than I really was. Most people would tell me that I struggled with pride, but it was a false pride, born out of insecurity.

How much of my life have I wasted worried about what others thought of me? I can remember speaking on a Sunday morning, and not getting as many compliments as I needed, so I’d go and ask people if they thought it was good. I have bought things I couldn’t afford to impress people I didn’t even like. I’ve said things that weren’t true to cause someone to think I was more important, or more gifted or wiser than I really am. I’ve worried myself sick over what someone thought of clothes that I wore or a comment that I made or a message I preached.

I remember getting a phone call in 2005 from one of the elders at our church telling me that an email was going out to our entire distribution list informing them of the affair. In that moment, the jig was up…the dog and pony show was over; the façade was shattered. Everyone would know I was a fake. Everyone would know I was a failure. Everyone would know I was a hypocrite. There was no more hiding, everyone would know.

That day was the death of me…the false me…the insecure me. That day I realized all I had was Christ. All I had was grace.

Insecurity will put you in a prison of second guessing. It will infiltrate your friendships. It will erode the intimacy of your marriage. Insecurity will convince you that you aren’t good enough so you better pretend to be better than you really are, and in that moment the YOU that God longs for you to be is lost.

How have you learned to deal with insecurity?