Have you ever gone out to dinner with your spouse and not had anything to talk about? You had been waiting for this date night for weeks…the kids are at your mom’s…the night is yours…but conversation is dead. We’ve been there.

We‘ve been in a restaurant before and I’ve noticed couples that literally sit through the entire meal and don’t say a word to each other. Maybe they prefer it that way, but it seems more to me like co-existing than really connecting.

In just a few weeks, Trisha and I will celebrate our 16^th wedding anniversary. I want to know her and connect with her as much today as I did when we were dating and first married. I believe the key to great conversation is asking questions. I’ve not always done this well, but over the past 6 years, I have been very intentional about it and it makes all the difference in the world. I wanted to share with you five questions that I try to ask Trisha that I hope will help you develop deeper conversations with your spouse.

1. How Can I Pray for You?

Prayer is the most intimate thing we can experience on this earth. Our connection to our Heavenly Father is designed to be personal and intimate. When I ask Trisha how I can pray for her, I am asking her to share with me the most intimate thoughts, feelings, fears, insecurities and anxieties. It is a window to her heart. It fosters great conversation.

2. What’s On Your Mind?

Don’t ask this question if you don’t want to know the answer. One of the things I’ve realized about myself since I started asking questions is how much I need to grow as a listener. When I ask Trisha what is on her mind, she doesn’t need me to fix whatever it is she says. She doesn’t need me to solve a problem or come up with three different solutions that she has never thought of. She just needs me to listen to what is on her mind. When I do that, it is amazing how great our conversation is.

3. What Can I Do Right Now to Help You?

This is a question I ask when there are multiple tasks; multiple schedules; multiple deadlines all competing with one another. My wife is an amazing multi-tasker…me not so much. When she needs help, I’m not the best at figuring out exactly what would help her the most…so I ask. What can I do right now to help you communicates value and it gives me a specific direction to take a load off of her shoulders.

4. How Do You Sense God Leading?

I ask this question when Trisha is at a cross-roads. When she is trying to figure something out financially or relationally or even as a mom…I might just say, “Has God laid anything on your heart as it relates to that decision?” It allows me to lead spiritually without telling her what she should do. It points her in God’s direction and paves the way for further conversation.

5. What Are My Chances Tonight?

This is my favorite of the five questions. Am I getting lucky tonight or not? It sets expectations…as we’ve often said here at RefineUs…unspoken expectations will always be unmet expectations. This let’s me know early in the day what my chances of intimacy are. If they are low, I’ve got the rest of the day to increase my chances.

These are just five questions that open the possibility for conversation.

What would you add to the list?

Most afternoons my boys come home from school, drop their backpacks and head straight for the pantry. With a snack in one hand and a drink in the other they settle in to do homework or watch TV. It’s usually around this time that it dawns on me… I have to make dinner.

Now most people would not consider dinner a bad word. In fact, I’m sure that most of you look forward to dinnertime… but not me. You see I am… what you would call cooking challenged. I love buying food. I love eating food but when it comes to cooking food I’m just not that good at it. This may seem like small potatoes in the bigger scheme of life but five years ago it played a major role in my relationship with Justin.

Five years ago my boys were 9, 7 and 3. My house was full of active boys constantly on the move. Justin was a pastor of a church that was growing as fast as our boys. It was a season of life that I refer to as “organized chaos” you just never knew what the day would throw at you. I could handle laundry, diaper changes and dishes but dinner?

And would you believe that dinnertime came every day!

So imagine the angst I would have towards Justin when I actually made something edible (sometimes even good) and he would show-up 30 minutes late from the time he said he would be home. Imagine the arguments that we had over the fact that not only was he late but that he complained about what we were having for dinner. Unfortunately because dinnertime came every night there were many fights that followed.

Isn’t dinner such a silly thing to fight over? Think about how funny we would sound in a counseling session.

Me: I hate to cook and Justin is always late AND he complains!

Justin: I have a thing called a job and can’t always make it on time and dude her cooking is really not that good.

From an outsider looking in how strange would it seem to be on such opposite sides over something as minor as dinner? After ten years of marriage why wouldn’t one of us have the sense to figure out a new game plan?

It wasn’t until Justin and I were separated that we realized this simple truth:

When you enable your spouse to be whom God called them to be you prevent the small issues (like dinner) from becoming deal breakers.

Justin came to realize how much I struggled with dinner. He set me free from being solely responsible for it and partnered with me to figure out a new plan. Turns out he’s a really good cook! He makes killer pancakes! Although he’s not passionate about being Americas next top chief, cooking doesn’t stress him out. I found out that overseeing our day-to-day finances stresses him out. Although I don’t like math I LOVE to organize and balancing the checkbook is like organizing a shelf. I really enjoy it! It is amazing to see how changing some of the little roles in our marriage can make such a big difference.

Taking the time to figure out what breathes life into your spouse will breathe life into your marriage.

Do you struggle with this in your marriage?

Do you ever feel like you and your spouse are just missing each other? You just aren’t on the same page…financially; emotionally; as a parent; spiritually. We have been there…recently! There are times that Trisha and I are just not on the same page. As much as we work on our marriage; as much as we know what destroyed our marriage five years ago; as much as we counsel others on how to build their marriage; we just don’t get it right all the time.

Last week we were on our way to shoot a video for our Family Ministry department at Cross Point. Our 7-minute video assignment was to coach and encourage new parents to grow in their marriage. We argued all the way to the video shoot. Trisha thought she was right. I thought I was right. We were both passionate about letting the other know that they were wrong. We pulled up to the video shoot…put on our smiling faces, and spoke words to new parents we needed to apply to our own marriage in that moment.

We don’t have it all together. We aren’t always on the same page. We end up on opposite sides at times. That is reality.

How do you get back? How do you become a team again? How do you start going in the same direction as a couple?

Here are few things that we have learned…not months or years ago…but last week.

1.     Call it out.

There will be times that you will not feel on the same page as your spouse. You keep missing each other. You think one thing, they think another. You expect one behavior, they react in the opposite way. Don’t bury it…call it out. Trisha just said to me, “We are not on the same page, and I don’t want to be here.” That was the first step.

2.     Pray about it.

There are so many things that fight against your marriage every single day: schedule, stress, career expectations, kids, financial pressure. The list could go on and on. Prayer brings God back to the center of your relationship. It is hard to stay mad at someone you’re praying with and for. It is hard to keep your distance from your husband that is praying for you; or your wife that is praying for you. Prayer realigns our heart with God and in the process our spouse.

3.     Serve your spouse.

When I feel like Trisha and I aren’t on the same page, my first inclination is to act entitled. Serving defeats my sense of entitlement. When I serve I assume a posture of humility in my marriage that paves the way to intimacy.

There is no way you and your spouse will always be on the same page. But you don’t have to stay there.

This is our list…what would you add to the list?

After Justin’s post yesterday, I wanted to  follow with this post today. We don’t always get this right, but these are 5 things that make a HUGE difference in our marriage. As I speak them into my husband, our love for one another grows. I hope they are helpful to you.

1. I’m in love with you

“I love you”. It’s a term of endearment that we seem to toss out to about every person we know. What I have found is that Justin needs to hear not only I love him but that I’m IN love with him.

2. I am for you and respect you.

Before Justin and I separated we were constantly putting each other down in public. Our need to prove the other wrong caused us to disrespect each other through our words and actions.

What we have now is a mutual respect. A respect that what each of us contributes to our relationship and family is equally important.  When I tell Justin I am for him and respect him he feels honored, empowered and encouraged.

3. I’m attracted to you.

As ladies we are constantly bombarded with how we should look. We find ourselves over analyzing what we look like or don’t look like. We convince ourselves that if we look a certain way then our husbands will stay attracted to us.

What I have found in my own marriage is my words go a long way. The power of our words are much more potent then we think. Our husbands crave to know we are attracted to them. In complimenting your husband you empower him to have the confidence to compliment you.

4. I appreciate you.

Regardless if you are a stay-at-home mom or a CEO of a Fortune 500 company your husband wants to know you appreciate him. In most of our husbands there is an innate desire to provide. It can weigh them down and skew their view that what they do really matters. Saying I appreciate you communicates the work you do DOES MATTER.

5. I want to make love to you.

“Blush” If we’re all honest this one should be number one. Physical intimacy is a gift from God. It is unique in its power to bring about connectedness for you and your husband. God has placed a desire in your husband’s heart to crave intimacy constantly.

We live in a society where sex has been diluted to an act that is sinful and selfish in nature. Many of us as wives have struggled to see sex in the purity God had intended. Sex is a beautiful act of deep connectedness that only YOU his wife can fill.

You have something unique to offer your husband. For most of us we battle giving 100% to everyone and everything else other than physical intimacy. I guarantee you that if you struggle with this in your marriage and speak these words to your husband… your marriage will change. I have found that as our physical intimacy is made a priority our emotional intimacy follows.

Are there any that you feel I’ve left out? (Guys, help us help YOU!)

As husbands, God has given us guys a responsibility to speak words of truth into our wife’s heart. Every day, there are lies of discouragement and doubt that the enemy tries to place in their mind. Our role is to come along side them; encourage them and remind them of truth.

Here are five things that I try (I don’t always get this right) to speak into Trisha’s heart sincerely and consistently.

1. I Love You

I am amazed at the power of these three words. Sometimes they are spoken in person, sometimes over the phone, sometimes in a text or a hand written card or note. I try to tell my wife I love her several times per day.

2. You are Beautiful

For our wives, a huge battle for them is their self-image. How they view themselves. I want my wife to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I think she is beautiful. I want her to hear me say it. I want her to see it in my eyes. I want her to go through her day believing that she is beautiful. I think she is, so I try to tell her as often as I can.

3. I’m Sorry

I hate conflict, so I used to apologize for everything. I don’t do that anymore. I have grown to see conflict in my relationship with Trisha as an opportunity to grow in intimacy with her. I embrace conflict. But, when I am wrong or when I have hurt her feelings, I say I’m sorry. Saying your sorry for consequences is different than saying your sorry for choices. I try to make sure I am at a place when I apologize, that I am sorry for my choice and not just the reaction or consequence of my choice. It makes all the difference.

4. I Believe In You

Our wives need to know that no matter what, we are their biggest cheerleader. It doesn’t matter if your wife is a stay at home mom or a CEO of a Fortune 500 company…she needs to know you believe in her. She needs to know that you support her and you have confidence in her.

5. How Can I Pray for You?

This is one that opens up rich conversation. This question implies I want to know my wife’s heart. When Trisha shares with me how I can pray for her, she is sharing with me those things that are closest and most precious to her…her fears; her insecurities; her imperfections; her frustrations. This question connects us on a spiritual and emotional level.

I don’t make a lot of guarantees here at RefineUs. Every couple is different and every marriage is different. But I guarantee that if you begin to speak these 5 things into your wife’s heart, your marriage will change. Your heart will grow. You will become more in tune to who your wife is and what her needs are. You will be God’s mouthpiece of truth into the heart of your wife. There isn’t much that is better than that!

What other statements would you add to the list? (Ladies, anything I’ve left off?)

I add value with words.

Well, that is a HUGE assumption.

More accurately, I attempt to add value through words.

I feel most comfortable in ministry; in my marriage; in my relationship with my kids; in my friendships, adding value through words that I speak.

I’ve always been good with words.

So many times in our marriage, as Trisha explains an issue or a frustration or a disappointment, I can quickly come up with a solution. Value added! When one of my sons has a problem at school or with a friend or with a teacher, I have just the right advice to give them to make everything better.  Value added!

I convince myself that the greatest value I can add to my relationships is with what I say and how I say it.

I value speaking, when Trisha needs me to listen. I value fixing a situation, when my son just needs me to listen. I value explaining something or justifying something, when someone just wanted to be validated through being heard.

What I am learning is that often what Trisha needs is a listener not a talker. So often what my son needs is someone to look him in his eyes and listen…not interrupt him with “expert” advice. What I’m learning is that my wife doesn’t need me to fix her, she just simply needs me to listen to her. What I am learning is that my point doesn’t need to be proven as much as my ability to listen does.

What I’m learning is what I value most, often times doesn’t add the greatest value.

Usually, the greatest value I can add to my marriage; the greatest value I can add to my relationship with my sons; the greatest value I can add to my friendships is through listening, not speaking.

Honestly, I often do the same thing with God. I am quick to speak and slow to listen. I convince myself that God needs to hear from me more than I need to hear from Him. If He’d just let me explain…if He just knew where I was coming from…if He could just understand my point of view. I think I can add a lot of value to my relationship with God through all that I have to say.

Some questions to think about:

How much better would your marriage be if you chose to listen first and talk second? How many arguments would you not have with your teenager if you listened more and spoke less? How much closer could your friendships be if you stopped trying to fix them and just listened to them?

How much more intimate would you walk with God if you listened twice as much as you spoke?

The greatest value that I can add to my relationship with God, my wife, my kids and my friends is through the words that I listen to and not the words that I say.

Do you struggle to be quick to listen and slow to speak in your relationships?

There is a path that every struggling marriage travels. All of us who are married travel it to some degree or another.  It may look different for every couple, but the principles are the same. Most couples that we talk to don’t know how they got there, but the equation is clear.

Disconnection leads to apathy; apathy leads to marital poverty.

There are several ways that disconnection creeps into a marriage. Every couple at some point or another feels disconnected from their spouse. Every marriage goes through busy seasons and stressful times. Every relationship experiences conflict and differences of opinion. When these seasons come, disconnection is usually not far behind. Couples experience disconnection when truth is withheld; when resentment sets in; when lies are told.

Disconnection is that feeling of the other person not getting you; knowing you; being in tune with you. When you are disconnected, communication is hard. Sex is infrequent. Marriage is hard work. Discouragement and unmet expectations are the norm.

For the marriage that is struggling, they don’t do anything to correct their disconnect. They learn to live with it…accept it as their new reality. They get used to feeling distance in their marriage. When that happens…apathy sets in.

Apathy starts out as a belief that this is as good as my marriage is going to get. When you’ve lived for a while disconnected from your spouse, you begin to not care enough to change…you’ve resigned to the fact that it probably won’t change. So more of your dreams and desires and aspirations and feelings are withheld from your spouse…because those things don’t matter anyway.

It isn’t an intentional path…it is the one of least resistance.

When you live disconnected and apathetic long enough, what you experience over time is marital poverty. What was once a rich, vibrant relationship is now a poor, starving marriage. It isn’t that you planned to fall out of love with your wife; you didn’t plan to hook up with an old boyfriend on Facebook; you didn’t mean to start texting your co-worker; you didn’t intend to get divorced.

The path is clear…disconnection moves to apathy; apathy leads to marital poverty.  When you need the marital equity to avoid temptation or fight for your marriage or forgive again or apologize for a mistake…your marriage is bankrupt.

Our marriage has been there. Disconnected…apathetic…bankrupt. It doesn’t have to be that way. If you find your marriage today on this path…take some time to reconnect. Go out to dinner. Say no to things. Take a walk in the park together. Choose to engage with your spouse and not retreat from them.

Make deposits in your relationship so you can fight against marital poverty.

What are your suggestions to avoid marital poverty?

Within the last month, Trisha and I have been able to offer a new resource through RefineUs; Marriage Coaching. It has been very cool to see how God has brought us 4 couples to come along side and journey with over a 4-month period of time. Our goal for our marriage coaching stays true to the original vision we had for RefineUs: to restore hope and renew relationships.

In the spirit of coaching today, I wanted to share with you 4 things you can do to improve your marriage…TODAY. I have seen these things radically transform my marriage and they are suggestions that if implemented will move you closer to the marriage you’ve had in mind.

1. Give Up Trying to Change Your Spouse

I wish I could have back the amount of time, energy and emotions Trisha and I have spent believing that we could change the other. Some how over the course of time, as married people we begin to think that if we yell loud enough, make our point strong enough, are right enough, slam the door hard enough, make our spouse feel guilty enough…they will change. But you know what happens. When you and I assume the responsibility to change the heart of our spouse, we end up fighting about the same things over and over and over again. Can I just set you free from something: you don’t have the power to change a human heart; only God does. So the best advice I can give you that will transform your marriage is begin to pray for your spouse and ask God to change you. When you begin to ask God to change you, your marriage automatically improves, because change is happening in your heart.

2. Put Appointments In Your Calendar to Talk

I have had no less than ten conversations with couples over the past six months that have trouble communicating. I ask them “On average, how much cumulative time do you spend per week talking (when you are not arguing)?” Every single couple has answered under an hour. When Trisha and I were separated, we realized how little we talked to one another unless we were arguing. We began to set aside one night per week to go out to dinner and just talk. At first we each made a list and went through the list of things that we wanted to discuss or ask the other or dream about. Over the last five years, we don’t make lists anymore but we set aside time each day just to talk. When you are talking without arguing you are making deposits into the emotional bank of your marriage, so that when there is a disagreement, what was once a level 10 argument is now a level 3. Put it on your freaking calendar!

3. Assume the Best of Your Spouse

It is amazing how many people accuse their spouse of being defensive. I hear it all the time as we talk to couples…one person will say “It just gets old having him/her be so defensive all the time.” My response is why does your spouse feel like they have to play defense? When you assume the worst of  your spouse, you automatically put them in defense mode. In defense mode, responsibility isn’t taken, grace isn’t shown, patience runs thin and arguments are minutes away. When you assume the best of your wife or your husband, there is a confidence that even when you disagree, you know in your heart that your spouse is for you. When you have confidence that your husband or your wife is for you, intense discussions can build intimacy instead of shredding it. Assume the best and be proven wrong.

4. Stop Running Your Spouse Down In Public

This was something that I did for years. I didn’t even realize how often I did this until we were separated. We were at Red Lobster one night, talking (see #2) and Trisha began to tear up. She shared with me many examples of me being condescending to her or making fun of her or running her down in front of other people. When you do that, what you communicate is how insecure you are with yourself. Trisha and I can tell within 5-10 minutes of being out with a couple how healthy they are in their relationship. Do they build each other up to others because they are secure in who they are; or do they tear one another down because they are insecure? If you don’t know if you struggle with this, ask your spouse…their eyes will tell you. There is nothing more fulfilling than having your wife/husband compliment you in front of your friends or your family. There is nothing that will erode intimacy quicker than making fun of your spouse in front of the same audience.

These are just four things that we struggled with, that we hope are helpful. Are there others that you would add to the list?

Most people only communicate what they expect from a relationship after they have been disappointed or let down. We talk to people all the time that are unhappy in their marriage, unhappy in a relationship, dissatisfied with a friend, because the relationship isn’t what they thought it would be and isn’t what they expected it should be.

Our first question when a husband or wife expresses their frustration about an unmet expectation is, “Have you told your wife that you desire that?” “Have you told your husband you expect that?” Most of the time the answer is no.

When the answer is yes, the expectations people have are usually spewed out during an argument.

Arguments will never change someone’s heart. An argument might change how your wife acts or how your husband behaves for a day or two, but arguing will never turn a person’s heart closer to another. When an expectation is shared during an argument, its too late to do any good.

Can we share a secret with you that we have learned the hard way? This will apply to your friendships, to your work relationships, to your relationship with your kids, in your marriage…Unspoken expectations will always grow into unmet expectations.

If you are unhappy in your marriage right now. If you wonder how you and your spouse could have drifted so far apart; if you are constantly frustrated that your needs, your desires, your expectations aren’t being met…have you communicated them outside the context of an argument?

Maybe its going out for breakfast; maybe its staying up an extra hour; maybe its going out on a date and having a conversation about expectations. This conversation should probably start with, “I want you to know that I own half of this issue. Half of the disappointment I have is because I haven’t communicated well.”

When expectations are communicated in clearly, calmly and in a desire to grow the relationship and not just beat the other down…relationships flourish. Friendships deepen; dating relationships grow; marriages become stronger.

In the context of your relationships, do you struggle with unspoken expectations?