In 1998 Trisha and I moved from Saint Charles, Illinois to Kokomo, Indiana. This move, in my mind would be the move that made everything better. Our son Micah was two years old, Trisha was pregnant with Elijah, and our marriage of three years wasn’t going how either of us envisioned it would go. This move was going to be special because we were going to be moving from a $800 per month, 800 sq. ft apartment to a $525 per month, 1200 sq. ft house that we were buying! We were buying our first house.

In my mind, this would solve everything. Our house had a yard, it had neighbors, it had privacy, it had sidewalks, it had space. We were going to own it. I was convinced that this house would fix Trish. This house would solve our problems; this would would reduce the frequency of our arguments. This house would cover all of the things we disagreed about.

I soon came to realize that our first house didn’t fix it.

The truth is that we can never expect an external thing to fix internal problems. That just won’t happen.

So often when people are having marriage problems, they have this belief that if we just had this or if we just accomplished that or if we just got this or just moved there, then the problems in our relationship will go away or be solved. Our marriage will be better when:

• I get that promotion
• We get out of debt
• We move to a bigger house
• I finish my degree
• We make more money
• We move closer to “home”
• We have a baby

Babies are great. But a baby won’t fix it. A baby won’t fix the distance you feel. A baby won’t restore trust when trust has been broken. A baby won’t help you be more honest with each other. A baby won’t bring you closer spiritually. A baby won’t help you forgive. A baby won’t cause him to pursue you more. A baby won’t fix it.

We can’t count on something external, whatever that something is, to fix an internal problem.

There are two things that will fix what is wrong with your marriage.

• Pursuing God
• Pursuing your spouse

When you do those two things, you allow what is broken in your heart, in your relationship, in your soul to begin to find healing. You begin to move closer to God and closer to your spouse and in that process you begin to address the issues that you have rather than counting on a new house or a job promotion to cover those issues up.

A baby won’t fix it. But your pursuit of God and your spouse can.

For years Trisha and I had the same belief about one another that became a self-fulfilling prophesy and left both of us frustrated and defeated. My guess is that there are so many people that struggle with this same feeling every single day.

You say it under your breath. You scream it as you slam a door. You say it as you throw up your hands and walk away. This feeling makes its way to the surface in arguments. It creates a sense of resignation. It makes you feel like you fight about the same thing over and over and over again.

Here is the feeling that most husbands and wives live with every single day: No matter what I do, it is never good enough.

Ever felt that way?

-No matter how much money I make she’s never satisfied.

-No matter how nice our house is, its not big enough.

-No matter how often we have sex, its never often enough.

-No matter what I wear, it’s not good enough.

-No matter what chores I do, I never do them good enough.

-No matter what I make for dinner, it just not enough.

-No matter how much I give, I don’t give enough.

-No matter how much I listen, I never listen enough.

It is amazing how two people can live in the same house, commit their lives to one another and always feel inadequate. When what you give always comes up short, why give so much?

Maybe the feelings of defeat you feel are the same feelings your spouse is feeling. This weekend could be a turning point. You could go out this weekend and instead of complaining about all that your spouse isn’t, share with them all that they are. That could be a game changer…for you and for them.

Have a great weekend.

Trisha and I have been traveling a lot the past two months speaking at marriage events. We’ve been honored to see God work powerfully in the lives of so many couples. One thing has been consistent at every event we’ve been: a lot of marriages are struggling. I know there have been times, sometimes seasons of our marriage that it has been a flat out struggle.

Conversations are forced. Decisions are difficult. Synergy is missing. Arguments are frequent. Resentment is high. Intimacy is non-existent. Struggle moves from something we experience to something we learn to live with. Here are some reasons I’ve noticed over the past few months that marriages struggle:

1. Our commitment to change isn’t greater than our desire to change. 

Everyone wants to change. I have not met a person that didn’t indicate a desire to change. We all want to change. But when our commitment to change isn’t greater than our desire to change, we will stay the same. I want to lose weight. I’ve wanted to lose weight for five years. If losing weight was based on desire, I’d be at my high school weight…because I really, really want to. Losing weight is based on commitment, and my commitment hasn’t outweighed (pun intended) my desire, so my weight has gone up and down. If you want your marriage to change, you can’t just desire change, you have to be committed to it.

2. We want to be right more than we want to do what is right. 

Saturday night Trisha and I got into an argument about money. As we were arguing, my rationale and my position was clearly off base. I made no sense. But I was tired and I was not going to lose. My desire in that moment was to be right…I wasn’t backing down. So often in our marriage, we choose making our point or being right in an argument over doing what is right for our marriage: admitting being wrong; forgiving; asking for forgiveness. Our pride and our ego create more and more distance between us and our spouse. Maybe you are struggling because you always have to be right?

3.  When we are there, we aren’t really there. 

This one hurts as I type it. Maybe our marriage struggles because when we are with our spouse, we are really with our phone. Maybe our relationship with our kids is hurting right now because when we are home, we are really still at work. Being fully present when we have time with our family is the greatest gift we can give them. Turning off our phone in the evening. Eating dinner together. Going for a walk. Those are things that help when we are struggling.

4. We ask God to change our spouse more than we ask Him to change us. 

I know my marriage is struggling when I’m more concerned about what God needs to change in Trisha than I am in my own heart. When I begin to focus on all that is wrong with her; the things that get on my nerves; the things I wish God would change in her…I completely shut off the work that God longs to do in me. When I begin to pray for my Trisha and ask God to change me, there are times that He does change her. But He always changes my heart. He always answers that prayer. Maybe we are struggling in our marriage because we are really struggling in our relationship with God.

Struggle in any relationship is a given. Struggle doesn’t have be constant. God longs for you to have an incredible marriage. An incredible marriage isn’t something that we drift into, it is something we choose.

What would you add to this list?

About three months before the affair started, Trisha and I got into one of, if not the biggest arguments we’d ever had. Our disagreement started out small but continued to escalate and get louder and more mean as the night went on. I inherited a pretty volatile temper from my dad, so even though I don’t like conflict, my fuse was pretty short, especially when it came to Trish. I don’t remember what our argument was about, but I do remember how it ended. I said, “You are such a b*tch.”

She was done. I realized I had crossed a line. We went to our separate corners.

Later that night, I went to apologize. We were sitting in the hallway outside our bedroom. I said, “I want you to know I am really sorry. I’m sorry for yelling. I’m sorry for calling you names. I’m really sorry.” Trish said, “You are always sorry. You just never change.” I remember feeling so hopeless in that moment. That statement was so true. It was not only true about me, it was true about both of us. We were always sorry, but we never changed.

Unfortunately, it took the affair and our separation for us to move beyond being sorry and to move into being changed. One of our biggest areas of conflict has always centered around money. Trisha would go to Target and buy $40 worth of toiletries and I would go off about how much money she spent. We would get into an argument that would end the same way every argument would end…both of us feeling sorry but hopeless to change.

What I realized when we were separated is that change comes when I am sorry for more than just my behavior. I was always sorry for yelling. I was always sorry for cussing. I was always sorry for my short temper. I was always sorry for overreacting. It wasn’t until I was sorry for the condition of my heart that I was able to change. My issue wasn’t the $40 that Trish spent at Target…my issue is that I am a control freak and don’t like feeling out of control of our money. So it didn’t matter if it was $10 or $400 the argument and my reaction were always the same. Once I identified the core problem in my heart, I asked God to heal that part of me, I was able to change my reaction.

Maybe today you are in a place where you feel like you are always apologizing, but you are never changing. You’re temper is as bad today as it was four years ago. You have the same arguments today that you had when you first got married. You are sorry for going off on your kids. You are sorry for getting home late. You are truly sorry for screaming and yelling. You’re sorry…you just aren’t changing.

Can I encourage you today to look deeper. Look beyond your behavior; look beyond your reaction; look beyond your argument and look inside your heart. There is brokenness in you that is driving your behavior. That is what God longs to heal. That is what God longs to make new.

Your apology can lead to change. It won’t be overnight, but it will come.

We haven’t bought new furniture in 6 years. In fact, the very first room you enter in our house is our living room. There has been no furniture in that room for the entire year that we’ve lived here. We called it the “rug room”, because we have an area rug in the middle of it. About 7 months ago, we started saving for a new couch for our house. The plan was to move our existing couch into the rug room and buy a new couch for our family room. For the past 3 months Trisha has been watching ads and surfing the internet trying to find something that would fit our budget, our room and style.

Last week she found a couch that was on sale for $700. Boom! She drove to the store with measurements of our room, I transferred money out of savings. We bought the perfect couch with cash. It was beautiful. On Friday we brought the couch into the living room and started unpacking it. As we attached the legs to the bottom of the couch, I could tell by the look on Trisha’s face that she didn’t like it. It is a lot taller than our current couch. We put it into the only position that would fit in the room and it covered up our only window in the room. Trisha wasn’t happy and I started saying things like, “It may just take some getting used to.” That didn’t help.

After about 30 minutes, we decide to move our old couch back into the family room and put the new couch in the rug room. We slid the new couch up against the far wall of the rug room. There is a window that is right behind the couch. Trisha says, “Let me open this blind and get some light into the room.” As she pulls on the blind, the blind comes off the window, falls on to the couch and slices a gash into our 24 hour old, 7 month saved up for, too big for the room we bought it for, leather couch.

Trisha was devastated. I was in disbelief.

That was a moment we had experienced hundreds of times before in our marriage. The cause has been different, but the feelings were the same. What I typically do is try to control Trisha’s reaction in an effort to fix it or fix her. This almost always leads to an argument. For some reason this time was different. I sensed God say to me, “Don’t say a word. You can’t fix this.” So I didn’t.

I didn’t try to control her reaction.

I didn’t try to fix it.

I didn’t tell her how I think she should feel.

I just let it be.

I left to go pick up one of our kids from school, and when I got back the mood was different. It wasn’t perfect, but it was different. Trisha told me that she was so upset and so frustrated that all she felt like she could do was read Scripture. She went upstairs and spent 30 minutes alone with God. That choice didn’t heal the gash in our couch…it’s still there. It did realign her heart. It renewed her mind.

I wonder how many times I have robbed God of doing something in my wife or in my kid’s heart because I’ve tried to be god. I’ve tried to fix things; to make them go away; to heal wounds that I don’t have the capacity to heal? I wonder how many arguments we’ve had; how many hurt feelings we’ve caused because we don’t really care about the situation as much as we care about controlling the person’s reaction to it.

We think by controlling our spouse’s behavior we are changing their heart. Only God can do that.

Maybe today the best thing you can do for a relationship; your marriage; your kids is to simply allow God to be God. Giving up our need to control brings freedom to us and to the ones we are trying to manipulate.

Do you have control issues?

I met with a couple the other day that had lost almost all hope for their marriage. They love each other. They just don’t like each other. They don’t like being around one another. Why? Because all they do is fight.

Been.

There.

There isn’t a more miserable way to live than on egg-shells trying to avoid an argument. Trisha and I still have arguments. We still have conflict. One of the things we’ve learned to do is leverage conflict to draw us closer to one another rather than allowing conflict to put distance between us. Here are 4 questions I ask myself when we are in pretty big argument:

1. Do I want intimacy or do I want to be right?
Motives are everything. Have you ever been in an argument and you know you are wrong, but you have already argued your point so much, that there is no going back? Pride is the biggest obstacle to intimacy in our marriage. We need to ask this question honestly when we engage in conflict…Am I trying to grow closer to my spouse or am I trying to prove how right I am? That question will bring your motives to light.

2. Am I withholding truth about anything?
Have your feelings been hurt and you haven’t said anything? Did you have expectations that you never communicated, so they went unmet? Do you have a sin or a mistake that you are hiding behind your defensive attitude? You will never fully resolve conflict if there is withheld truth in your marriage.

3. Does my spouse just need some space?
Trisha and I react in opposite ways when we fight. I like to be all cuddly and affectionate and love it out. She doesn’t want to be hugged, touched or breathed on. If we try to make our spouse react or respond to conflict like we do, we will constantly be frustrated, and create more conflict. Sometimes, some space in conflict helps everyone see things more clearly.

4. Have I prayed about this?
This question should be the first question that I ask, but honestly, sometimes it doesn’t even make it on the list. I can’t imagine how many fights and arguments and harsh words I could have saved if I would have just prayed about what I was upset about or what we were not on the same page about. God’s desire for our marriage is oneness. When we seek Him, He has a way of restoring that oneness, even through conflict. Are you willing to pray about what you are so upset about? God has the power to change your spouse, you don’t.

What would you add or take away from this list?

On Saturday, our son had a basketball tournament most of the day. Trisha was able to go to the first game of the day, but I couldn’t make it. I showed up for his afternoon game and it was tense from the very beginning. I’ve been banned from “offering suggestions” from the sidelines. Trish put the shut down on that years ago.

It wasn’t difficult for Micah to know how I felt about how he was playing. I didn’t have to say a word…my face said it all. After the game, I told myself that I wasn’t going to say anything. That commitment lasted about five minutes.

I launched into the speech I had been writing since the first half. I shared with him all the different ways that he could improve and all the things he could have done differently. My words cut to his heart. He shut down. We walked to the car. I continued with my pep talk. Finally, Micah looked up at me and said, “You know, it doesn’t matter how good I play, you are always critical.”

In that moment, I realized just how much I had hurt him. My heart began to sink. But in my mind, my pride defended my actions. I began to justify the words I had said and the advice I had offered. I was trying to make him a better player. I was destroying him as a person, but I was making him a better player.

He and Trisha left and went to a graduation party and I left and went home. As I drove home, the pain of my words rushed into my heart. I began to text him an apology…he wasn’t returning my texts…so I texted Trisha to convey how sorry I was.

When I got home, I read this verse, as I prepared to speak at church the next day:

Matthew 5:23-24: “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, ²⁴ leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

What a hypocrite I am.

How many times have I tried to offer my worship to God, when I knew I had hurt someone? How many times have I offered God half-hearted worship because I haven’t owned the pain I’ve caused someone else?

I’m thankful Micah showed me grace and forgave me. I’m thankful God does as well.

Am I the only one that has trouble owning it?

I grew up in a home where the goal was to “keep the peace.” My parents often argued and as the oldest I would gather my brothers and sister and we would hide in the closet. As I grew up, I learned the ground rules for peacekeeping:

-Peacekeepers walk on eggshells to not upset anyone
-Peacekeepers don’t share how they really feel so they don’t start an argument
-Peacekeepers avoid conflict and apologize for things that they haven’t even done
-Peacekeepers always feel taken advantage of and find their identity in not making waves

The Bible says nothing about being a peacekeeper. Scripture calls us to be peacemakers.

Jesus says in Matthew 5:9- “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”

We’ve confused peacemaking with peacekeeping. What we typically think is that peacemakers need to take one for the team. If we’ve been hurt then pursuing peace is keeping quiet or not speaking truth or only sharing part of the truth. We equate being passive with peacemaking. We withhold truth and we skirt the truth and we don’t speak how we are really feeling, thinking that we are doing what is best for the relationship.

The by-product of living like this is resentment and distance and passive-aggressiveness and hurt and surface level relationships. We have no peace. We think we are helping the relationship, but we are actually fracturing it even more.

Maybe you’ve been hurt; you’ve been let down; you’ve been disappointed…and you haven’t said anything in an effort to “Keep the peace”…but the truth is you don’t have peace at all.

Peacemakers are different. Maybe the key to peace for you is to stop keeping peace and start making peace.

- Peacemakers are ruthlessly committed to truth-telling.

Peacemakers speak the truth in love. When they are offended or hurt, they communicate their feelings honestly. When they have hurt others, they own their mistake and ask for forgiveness. They know that withholding truth will never lead to intimacy.

-Peacemakers are humble enough to pray for the person that hurt them.

An amazing thing happens when I pray for someone that has wounded me…God changes my heart. There are times that God changes them, but God always changes me when I humble myself to pray for that person. When I bow my knees and bring that relationship before God, I am saying to Him, “This person is more valuable to me than being right.” God shows up in a heart that is humble enough to elevate someone else above ourselves.

-Peacemakers pursue reconciliation at the risk of their own comfort.

Avoidance isn’t peacemaking. Avoiding conflict will never build intimacy. You will never grow closer to your sister by ignoring her. You will never reconcile with your dad by not going home for Christmas. You will never grow closer in your marriage by pretending there is no conflict. Sometimes the best way you can build peace is to embrace confrontation.

How about you today? Are you a peacekeeper or a peacemaker?

Over the past couple of weeks Trisha and I have met with a lot of married couples. Some have had train wreck experiences…some have just drifted over time. Some realize they have some serious issues. Some have dysfunction that they aren’t even aware exists. Each of the couples we have met with recently have one thing in common: their list.

You know that list. It is that mental list of all the things your husband does wrong. It is that scorecard you keep so your wife will know how much she owes you. It is that list you have carefully saved and tucked away so you can pull it out at just the right moment in your next argument.

Most married couples I know are scorekeepers. We know the score at all times. We know if we are up or down. We know how to leverage the score for our benefit. We know just the right time to say “SCOREBOARD” to our spouse to shut them down; prove them wrong; end an argument. (Not resolve it, just end it.)

A few days ago I met with a couple that are professional scorekeepers. From the day they got married they’ve kept a running log of offenses, mistakes and hurt feelings. They counter-attacked one another with precision. They each had their list. They each had their point to make. They were each right, and the score didn’t lie.

I left that meeting and was reminded of Trisha and my ability to keep score. We were just like this couple…for years.

But then I thought of a better way to experience marriage:

What if we redefined score-keeping? What if we continued to keep score in our marriages but we kept our own score?

What if I kept track of how many times I messed up?

What if I made a mental note of how many times I broke a promise?

What if I kept track how many times Trisha has been right and I’ve been wrong?

What if I had a running total of the many times I’ve said hurtful words; had a bad attitude; been hateful in my response; been insensitive; acted rudely; not said I’m sorry?

What if I spent as much time and as much energy keeping score of my mistakes as I did my wife’s?

Maybe I wouldn’t point to the scoreboard as much…and I’d be more grateful for a wife that puts up with my mistakes.

Maybe I would be reminded of 1 Corinthians 13:5-Love keeps no record of wrongs…and be thankful for grace.

Do you struggle with keeping score?

We spent most of the first ten years of our marriage walking on eggshells. Careful not to say something that would start an argument. Trying to make sure I jumped through the right hoops so that I could prove what a good husband I was. Trisha nervous about spending money or burning dinner or the house not being clean enough. Our goal was conflict avoidance.

We are such different people now, that I rarely think about those days. But last week, I was reminded of our eggshell walking days. Trisha and I were talking on the phone when I was in California. It was in that moment I realized a freedom that I hadn’t noticed before.

In the past, anytime I traveled I felt guilty. I felt like I had to prove to her how thankful I was that I was on a church trip. I had to prove how grateful I was that she was home with the kids. I had to not share with her if I had a great day or heard a great speaker or experienced God at a conference I was attending. I always knew I had a lot to prove, as Trisha would make me prove it.

I would get home and she would have to prove to me how hard she worked. She would prove to me how much she deserved a break from the kids. She would have to keep score so I would know how little sleep she got or how out of control the boys were or how much money she saved grocery shopping. She knew she had a lot to prove, as I would make her prove it.

Last week as I traveled, I didn’t walk on eggshells. Trisha wasn’t holding me hostage for being away from home. She wasn’t heaping guilt for the boys schedule or the dog not sleeping or the homework she had to help them complete.

I realized:

• I don’t have to prove I’m thankful

• I don’t have to prove I deserve this

• I don’t have to prove how much I miss her and the boys

That feeling changed everything. I didn’t walk around worried about coming home. I didn’t worry about getting a guilt trip for being gone. I didn’t think “I’m going to have to make this up to her.” There was such freedom in that.

Even though I wasn’t home, Trisha knew that I would rather be with her than anywhere else, and that made the difference.

What if your wife didn’t have to prove herself to you? How much could that change your relationship? What if your husband wasn’t always walking on eggshells worried about the guilt trip you have planned for him? How could that change your relationship?

What if the person you love the most was fully trusted by you and didn’t have to prove themselves?

That could be a game changer…it has been for us.

Do you struggle with making your spouse prove themselves?