I grew up in a home where the goal was to “keep the peace.” My parents often argued and as the oldest I would gather my brothers and sister and we would hide in the closet. As I grew up, I learned the ground rules for peacekeeping:

-Peacekeepers walk on eggshells to not upset anyone
-Peacekeepers don’t share how they really feel so they don’t start an argument
-Peacekeepers avoid conflict and apologize for things that they haven’t even done
-Peacekeepers always feel taken advantage of and find their identity in not making waves

The Bible says nothing about being a peacekeeper. Scripture calls us to be peacemakers.

Jesus says in Matthew 5:9- “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”

We’ve confused peacemaking with peacekeeping. What we typically think is that peacemakers need to take one for the team. If we’ve been hurt then pursuing peace is keeping quiet or not speaking truth or only sharing part of the truth. We equate being passive with peacemaking. We withhold truth and we skirt the truth and we don’t speak how we are really feeling, thinking that we are doing what is best for the relationship.

The by-product of living like this is resentment and distance and passive-aggressiveness and hurt and surface level relationships. We have no peace. We think we are helping the relationship, but we are actually fracturing it even more.

Maybe you’ve been hurt; you’ve been let down; you’ve been disappointed…and you haven’t said anything in an effort to “Keep the peace”…but the truth is you don’t have peace at all.

Peacemakers are different. Maybe the key to peace for you is to stop keeping peace and start making peace.

- Peacemakers are ruthlessly committed to truth-telling.

Peacemakers speak the truth in love. When they are offended or hurt, they communicate their feelings honestly. When they have hurt others, they own their mistake and ask for forgiveness. They know that withholding truth will never lead to intimacy.

-Peacemakers are humble enough to pray for the person that hurt them.

An amazing thing happens when I pray for someone that has wounded me…God changes my heart. There are times that God changes them, but God always changes me when I humble myself to pray for that person. When I bow my knees and bring that relationship before God, I am saying to Him, “This person is more valuable to me than being right.” God shows up in a heart that is humble enough to elevate someone else above ourselves.

-Peacemakers pursue reconciliation at the risk of their own comfort.

Avoidance isn’t peacemaking. Avoiding conflict will never build intimacy. You will never grow closer to your sister by ignoring her. You will never reconcile with your dad by not going home for Christmas. You will never grow closer in your marriage by pretending there is no conflict. Sometimes the best way you can build peace is to embrace confrontation.

How about you today? Are you a peacekeeper or a peacemaker?

Over the past couple of weeks Trisha and I have met with a lot of married couples. Some have had train wreck experiences…some have just drifted over time. Some realize they have some serious issues. Some have dysfunction that they aren’t even aware exists. Each of the couples we have met with recently have one thing in common: their list.

You know that list. It is that mental list of all the things your husband does wrong. It is that scorecard you keep so your wife will know how much she owes you. It is that list you have carefully saved and tucked away so you can pull it out at just the right moment in your next argument.

Most married couples I know are scorekeepers. We know the score at all times. We know if we are up or down. We know how to leverage the score for our benefit. We know just the right time to say “SCOREBOARD” to our spouse to shut them down; prove them wrong; end an argument. (Not resolve it, just end it.)

A few days ago I met with a couple that are professional scorekeepers. From the day they got married they’ve kept a running log of offenses, mistakes and hurt feelings. They counter-attacked one another with precision. They each had their list. They each had their point to make. They were each right, and the score didn’t lie.

I left that meeting and was reminded of Trisha and my ability to keep score. We were just like this couple…for years.

But then I thought of a better way to experience marriage:

What if we redefined score-keeping? What if we continued to keep score in our marriages but we kept our own score?

What if I kept track of how many times I messed up?

What if I made a mental note of how many times I broke a promise?

What if I kept track how many times Trisha has been right and I’ve been wrong?

What if I had a running total of the many times I’ve said hurtful words; had a bad attitude; been hateful in my response; been insensitive; acted rudely; not said I’m sorry?

What if I spent as much time and as much energy keeping score of my mistakes as I did my wife’s?

Maybe I wouldn’t point to the scoreboard as much…and I’d be more grateful for a wife that puts up with my mistakes.

Maybe I would be reminded of 1 Corinthians 13:5-Love keeps no record of wrongs…and be thankful for grace.

Do you struggle with keeping score?

We spent most of the first ten years of our marriage walking on eggshells. Careful not to say something that would start an argument. Trying to make sure I jumped through the right hoops so that I could prove what a good husband I was. Trisha nervous about spending money or burning dinner or the house not being clean enough. Our goal was conflict avoidance.

We are such different people now, that I rarely think about those days. But last week, I was reminded of our eggshell walking days. Trisha and I were talking on the phone when I was in California. It was in that moment I realized a freedom that I hadn’t noticed before.

In the past, anytime I traveled I felt guilty. I felt like I had to prove to her how thankful I was that I was on a church trip. I had to prove how grateful I was that she was home with the kids. I had to not share with her if I had a great day or heard a great speaker or experienced God at a conference I was attending. I always knew I had a lot to prove, as Trisha would make me prove it.

I would get home and she would have to prove to me how hard she worked. She would prove to me how much she deserved a break from the kids. She would have to keep score so I would know how little sleep she got or how out of control the boys were or how much money she saved grocery shopping. She knew she had a lot to prove, as I would make her prove it.

Last week as I traveled, I didn’t walk on eggshells. Trisha wasn’t holding me hostage for being away from home. She wasn’t heaping guilt for the boys schedule or the dog not sleeping or the homework she had to help them complete.

I realized:

• I don’t have to prove I’m thankful

• I don’t have to prove I deserve this

• I don’t have to prove how much I miss her and the boys

That feeling changed everything. I didn’t walk around worried about coming home. I didn’t worry about getting a guilt trip for being gone. I didn’t think “I’m going to have to make this up to her.” There was such freedom in that.

Even though I wasn’t home, Trisha knew that I would rather be with her than anywhere else, and that made the difference.

What if your wife didn’t have to prove herself to you? How much could that change your relationship? What if your husband wasn’t always walking on eggshells worried about the guilt trip you have planned for him? How could that change your relationship?

What if the person you love the most was fully trusted by you and didn’t have to prove themselves?

That could be a game changer…it has been for us.

Do you struggle with making your spouse prove themselves?

Today and tomorrow, we are going to do something at RefineUs we hope will be very helpful.  Each of us will be sharing 5 Things We Wish We Knew Before We Got Married. I’m sharing today, and Trisha will be sharing with you tomorrow.

(For the record, I have like 20 things I wish I would have known, but for the sake of time, I’m limiting it to 5. )

If you are single or engaged we hope this list saves you from learning these things the hard way like we did.

If you are married, you may have known some of the things on this list, but we’d love for you to add to it. Maybe together, we can compile a comprehensive list of things every person should know before they get married.

1. Marriage is More Spiritual Than Anything Else

There is no way that I can talk about this enough. My relationship with God is the fuel that drives our marriage and our family. When my relationship with God is running on fumes, our marriage suffers. Not only that, the relationship that Trisha and I have isn’t a civil contract…it is a spiritual relationship that has been ordained by God, set apart and designed to make two individuals one. There is also a spiritual battle that rages against our marriage. We have an Enemy that attacks our marriage every single day. It is so easy for me to focus on earthly things and forget about the forces that are trying to pull my wife and I apart.

2. I’m Bringing Baggage Into This Marriage

The way I was raised created baggage. The relationships I had in high school and college created baggage. The sexual abuse I experienced as a kid created baggage. The pornography I was exposed to and made a habit, created baggage. My insecurity and my fears created baggage. You can’t pretend baggage away. You can predend it isn’t there, but it doesn’t go anywhere…it just gets bigger. I wish I would have acknowledged it, shared it and gotten help for it before we got married. My wife would have married a much more healthy, whole man than she did.

3. Avoiding Conflict Isn’t the Same as Resolving Conflict

Some how, I equated no conflict with intimacy. So if I could get through a day, week, weekend without an argument, then our marriage must be doing well. I cheated our marriage for years of growing closer together by avoiding conflict rather than embracing it and resolving it. So often in our marriage, God uses conflict to expose problems, bring light into weak areas, and illuminate areas that we need to address. Avoiding those things for the sake of peace doesn’t help us…it dwarfs our ability to be known and loved. I wish I would have known this before we got married.

4. Marriage Counseling Isn’t A Sign of Weakness

I lost count of how many times Trisha asked me to go to marriage counseling. We would be arguing about the same thing over and over again, and she would say, “Let’s talk to Mark and Rhonda about this.” Mark was the pastor I worked for, and I wanted Mark to think I had it all together. I didn’t want him to know how sucky of a husband I was. I didn’t want him to think I needed help. Getting marriage help was a sign of weakness not strength. Man was I wrong. Seeking marriage counseling isn’t a sign of weakness, it is a sign of humility and teach-ability. My arrogance and pride put me on the path of infidelity.

5. Trisha Will Love Me Even When I’m Ugly

There were so many times that I felt prompted to share my struggles, my weaknesses, my temptations and sins with Trisha. But I would think to myself, “If she knew this about me, she will never love me.” So I did my best to hide the ugliness that resided in my heart. You can hide for a while, but eventually ugliness of heart always makes its way to the surface. I wish I would have believed the vows that Trisha made to me on our wedding day, “For better or for worse; for richer or for poorer…until death do us part.” When ugliness is confessed and confronted, God has a way of transforming it into something beautiful and redeeming.

These are my 5 Things that I wish I would have known. What would you add to the list?

When Trisha and I separated, more than anything else I wanted to know why our marriage imploded. More than anything else I wanted to know how we grew so far apart. More than anything else I wanted to figure out what I could do to make sure that if our marriage survived, this would never happen again.

A lot of couples have communication problems. Their conversations center around schedules or kids or “how was work?” They have a difficult time talking with one another. When they were dating, they’d stay up late and talk and laugh and dream, but now they only talk when they fight. We had communication issues.

There are so many couples that have problems in their marriage because of finances. They’ve mismanaged their money. They’ve put themselves in debt. They’ve made irresponsible decisions. Sometimes it has nothing to do with bad decisions and everything to do with a small salary and a growing family. We had so many problems in our marriage that revolved around money…not enough of it…accumulating debt…not being on the same page. Lots of problems.

Some couples have priority issues. They fail to prioritize one another. They have no problem working their schedule around business meetings and girls night out and fantasy football and Saturday morning soccer and dinner with friends and PTO meetings…but they fail to prioritize their most important earthy relationship…their spouse. We blew it in this area. We gave so many people, so many events, so many expectations priority over the other.

We talk to couples that have difficulty resolving conflict. They argue about the same things week after week, month after month, year after year. One spouse is passive aggressive while the other is a hot head and loses their temper. One spouse is aggressive and chases while the other is an avoider and tries to sweep issues under the carpet. We did a horrible job at resolving conflict.

A lot of couples have intimacy issues. Sex is infrequent. The withholding of sex is used as punishment. Husbands pursue their wives only when they want sex. Sex is seen only as a physical act and not an emotional and spiritual gift. We had so many arguments that revolved around our lack of understanding of one another in the area of intimacy.

Even with all of these issues, they weren’t the source of our marital problems. They probably aren’t the source of yours either.

More than communication; more than finances; more than priorities; more than conflict resolution; even more than sex:

Your relationship with God will affect your relationship with your spouse more than ANYTHING else.

You can try to communicate better…for a while. You can try to not argue about money and debt and who’s paying what bill..for a while. You can do your best to make your wife a priority…for a while. You can read a self-help book on conflict resolution and argue more effectively…for a while. You can overcome your sexual frustrations…for a while.

What we have realized in our own life is that when our personal relationship with God is sucking wind…so does our marriage. We have spent so much time and energy trying to fix all of these things in our marriage…when more than anything else, our relationship with God sets the tone and direction for every single area of our marriage.

Do you agree or disagree?

Before Trisha and I separated, we argued a lot. We still have disagreements now, but NOTHING like we used to. Our disagreements now are about things that matter.

They aren’t about something that happened five years ago; they don’t have rabbit trails that loop in my mother, Trisha forgetting my birthday in 1998, and how I didn’t mow the yard last week.

You know those kind of arguments…the kind that you can’t even remember what you started arguing about?

Been.There.

We used to argue …A LOT.

As we began to go to counseling, and started unpacking our junk, we realized that we argued (most of the time) so Trisha could get my attention. If there was conflict, then I was engaged. When I perceived things were going well with our marriage, then I pursued my own agenda. So often, Trisha would initiate conflict or react to what should have been a level 2 reaction with a level 10 reaction, because at the core of her being, she wanted my attention. She desired my participation. She longed for me to notice.

Isn’t that sad? Why did it take anger to get my attention? Why did I not pursue my wife unless there was a problem? How jacked is that?

Let me ask you to evaluate your relationships…your marriage, your friendships, your family dynamics. What does it take for you to engage? What does it require for you to pursue your wife’s heart? What is required for you to be present? What forces you to participate, not just spectate, in your relationship?

When conflict is used as a pawn in a relationship, its purpose is distorted. God often uses conflict to build intimacy. But when we have to use it for our own purposes, what was meant to build, tears down. What was designed create openness ends up creating resentment.

So many people spend the best hours of their day arguing with the people they love the most. Most of those arguments have no redemptive value at all. They are symptoms of an attention deficit.

How many arguments could you prevent by participating? How many fights might not happen if you engaged before conflict had to erupt? What if you listened more? What if you asked more questions? What if you didn’t check email at the table? What if you looked at your spouse in the eyes when they talked to you? What if you were fully present?

What if…

Do you see conflict used as a last resort attention getter in your marriage/friendships/relationships?