Today’s post is from our friend Angela Hunter. We met Angela and her husband Scott last fall at the Lifeway Festival of Marriage Event. We instantly hit it off with them. Their story of redemption and restoration is a miracle. They lead a marriage ministry called Marriage On Fire. We are honored to have Angela share with us today.

You can “Like” them on Facebook:

You can check out their ministry web site: Marriage On Fire

We so grateful to have Scott and Angela as a part of our RefineUs marriage coaching team.

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Almost seventeen years ago I said “I do” and I thought marriage would be easy. Scott and I had so much love and passion for each other from the very start, so what could be so difficult…right?

I don’t have a clue as to why I believed marriage would be easy. Perhaps because my parents, who will celebrate 45 years of marriage this July, made it look so effortless. Maybe it was my grandparents, who will celebrate 70 years, also this July. I am deeply grateful for the legacy established in my family of long and happy marriages but I’m pretty sure I thought marriage would be easy because I was just plain naïve. Scott and I loved each other so much, what could be so hard about that?

Insert REALITY somebody please! Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, about our marriage has been easy…

Scott and I are a blended family so when I married him, I gained a beautiful six year old daughter, Amanda. We knew absolutely nothing about blending a family. We closed on our house the week we got married. We knew nothing about budgeting or financial planning. We were married for only three months and I got pregnant with our daughter, Kailey. Twenty-three months after Kailey was born, God blessed us with another daughter, Courtney. When Scott and I celebrated our 3^rd wedding anniversary we realized that I had been pregnant exactly ½ of our marriage up until that point!

Between year 2 and 3 our marriage was the polar opposite of easy. We didn’t know how to communicate with each other anymore. We argued about everything. We were in debt. Resentment was building. Unbeknownst to me, Scott had an extramarital affair during this time. Easy was long gone…

Six years into our marriage we were tired of doing things our way. My skewed vision of “easy” translated to zero effort on my part in our marriage. We were tired of being selfish, prideful and unwilling to make changes. Scott gave his heart to Christ and committed to becoming the spiritual leader of our home. We had to dig deep, push our sleeves up, and become intentional about working toward a healthy marriage. God was leading the way but it wouldn’t be easy.

So, in the beginning I did think marriage would be easy, but the reality is that marriage is so much better than easy. Healthy marriages require hard work, sacrifice, discomfort, thought, reflection and two people totally sold out to Christ. That’s way better than easy in my book.

Today’s post is from our friends Josh and Lindsey Hartz. Josh and Lindsey started out as blogging friends and have turned into real life friends. Josh and Lindsey live out the grace of God in their life and marriage and have an incredible story of restoration. We are honored to have them both share with us today.

You can follow Lindsey on Twitter
You can follow Josh on Twitter

You can check out Lindsey’s Blog

We so grateful to have Josh and Lindsey as a part of our RefineUs marriage coaching team.
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“She Said…”

I thought marriage would be a fairy tale…complete with a handsome prince on a valiant white horse, rushing in to save me from the evils of this world.

Different circumstances throughout much of my childhood left me with a distinct vision of what “marriage” was…temporary, painful, distant, busy, disconnected.

So I read voraciously to escape, to find some beauty to cling to.  I especially loved the enchantingly depicted fantasies of distant lands, unimaginable riches, true love, and happy endings.  I wished on stars and prayed and hoped that one day my Prince Charming would come, that one day he would keep me safe and love me forever, no matter what.

My journey to marriage didn’t go so well.  When I started to show interests in boys, I always seemed to wind up with the “bad” apples.  Although my relationships were very few and far between, they’d always break my heart, break my confidence, and break my spirit.

Until one day, I met him….the “One.” I thought all my dreams had come true as one by one my requirements were met.  He was handsome, kind, and honorable.  He had a pickup truck instead of a horse, but he certainly took care of me, tried to protect me, and loved me even through my deepest struggles and sin.

But sadly, the moment I felt he failed me (real or imagined) my perfect vision of our relationship shattered, and all I could see was everything he wasn’t doing.  In fact, my high expectations of him and controlling nature were slowly draining the love from our marriage.  As the years went on, I found myself resorting to what I knew…pain, distance, busyness, and disconnection became the norm.  Temporary became more and more attractive.

Until one day, when the only true “One” stepped in to the mess we had made.  He opened our eyes, saved our marriage, saved our souls.

I finally realized that God had given me my Prince Charming all along.  We don’t live in a distant land and we certainly don’t have material riches…but we do have is true love, grounded on faith in our precious Father. Those riches far exceed anything this world (or my fairy tales) could ever offer

“He Said…”

I never dated the prom queen or really had that many dates.  I didn’t dream of a fancy wedding or what happily ever after looked like.  I wasn’t sure who the one was, but then she was there!  She was beautiful, shy, smart, and sassy, oh so sassy!  I knew she was the one and in my mind, I thought marriage was going to be blissful happiness, romance, and guaranteed sex!

What I wasn’t prepared for was life.  My fantasy didn’t take into the account that my wife had actual feelings and past hurts that needed to be handled with care.  She was a beautiful woman with real emotions (not the ones I had seen portrayed on the internet).  She needed to be wooed and won over.  Then she needed to be wooed and won over again and again.

When I didn’t see the romanticized marriage that my mind had concocted, I fled.  I turned to false gods such as work, exercise, and Internet fantasies because all that was easier than working hard to have a good marriage.  While work and exercise might not be bad unto themselves, where there is no balance and when the focus is solely on oneself it can lead to great distance and heartache.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that my marriage needed something that I couldn’t provide by myself.  My marriage needed to be focused on God!  I needed to make my Redeemer the central focus of my heart and my actions.   I also didn’t realize how deeply my wife needed a protector.  I was pretty good at physically protecting her, but she needed to feel the deep protection that could only be felt through the Lord.

My wife’s beauty hasn’t faded.  She is still smart, and still just as sassy.  Our marriage has gone from blissful ignorance to near divorce and back by His grace alone.  The marriage we have now I wouldn’t trade for anything!  Oh and the sex…..well, I try to woo a lot more now!

Today’s post is from our friend Brent Hodge. Brent is married to Tammy and they serve in ministry here in Nashville at Cross Point. Brent and Tam were friends before we were c0-workers. They are such a blessing to our lives!

You can follow Brent on Twitter
You can follow Tammy on Twitter

You can check out Brent’s Blog and Tammy’s Blog

We so grateful to have Brent and Tammy as a part of our RefineUs marriage coaching team.

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I thought marriage would be different.

As a teenager, I knew what I wanted in a woman. The day I met Tammy, I knew she was it! When Tammy and I knew we were to be married, everything changed for me. All of a sudden, things got real serious. This was it. I would spend the rest of my life with Tammy. Wow!

I felt so unprepared to be a husband. I was immature. Especially in relationship. Sure, I had dated a couple girls in my life. But, this was different. No longer could I write a note and “break up” with my girlfriend. No longer could we have a fight and not talk for a week. I wasn’t going to be able to just leave because I didn’t like the way she was acting. Nope, everything was different now.

Everything had to be different…

I was now about to marry a young lady that deserved my love, respect and complete attention. And my immature self, had a lot to learn. Marriage is different than anything I had ever experienced. Marriage meant surrender. Marriage meant Humility. Marriage meant doing things I had never done, so that someone else would benefit, even if it didn’t benefit me.

I now know why God equates the relationship between his people, the church and Jesus as a marriage. It’s a relationship like no other. It’s a relationship that demonstrates grace and forgiveness. It’s a relationship that challenges traditional thought. It’s a relationship that seeks the best in our partner and always intends to support and serve the other.

Marriage is different. And because it’s different, it requires us to accept and seek out the wisdom and guidance of others. None of us go into a marriage knowing what to do and who we need to be to make it work. First of all, everyone is different. Second of all, we have a lot to learn.Tammy and I have been fortunate to have loving couples that have been examples for us. Mentors for us. People that have given us a word of critique or a comment of concern. Those that have encouraged when they’ve seen progress and those that have celebrated with us when there has been reason to celebrate. These people have been young and old. Newly married and married for years and years.

Marriage is different. Different than anything we will ever experience. It will challenge us, hurt us and stretch us in new and sometimes very difficult ways. But with those experiences, it will bless us, fill us and grow us in the most amazing ways we will ever.

Tammy and I are 21 years down the road. And we have a lot to learn. And… we have so much to celebrate. The next 21 are going to be amazing. And then, I pray, we experience 21 more after that.

Today’s post is from our friend Brian Clayville. Brian is married to Jenni and together they serve in ministry in El Paso, Texas.

You can follow Brian on Twitter
You can follow Jenni on Twitter

You can check out Jenni’s Blog

We so grateful to have Brian and Jenni as a part of our RefineUs marriage coaching team.

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I thought marriage would be simple bliss. But in reality, marriage has stretched me and challenged me in every aspect of my being.

From the time I was a young child, I knew I would get married one day. Through childhood programming, I decided that the mid-twenties is the earliest one should be married. So, as I went through my short time at college and then into my first job, I had no thoughts of looking for a wife. It was my time to enjoy life with no serious commitments. Then at 25, I met Jenni and quickly fell for her.

I knew marriage would not be all simple bliss, but I had no concept of how big some of our blind-spots were. Neither of us could imagine the impact of emotional damage that Jenni had endured in her 22 years and still needed to heal from. All of these things were lurking just under the surface, waiting to be exposed through the process of marriage.

I describe marriage as a process because that is what it is. It’s a refining process that God has designed to help us reach our full potential as His children. He wants us to operate at the highest level possible. For us to do that, we need someone in our life that knows us on every level. Not only knows us… but is willing to be honest with us and love us through the refining years.

If we aren’t teachable, many of those years can be ugly with short burstful moments of beauty. If we are learning and growing at a decent pace, the beauty should begin showing through more frequently. And if we are teachable, moldable and humbly submitting ourselves to refinement… with time, beauty should be the norm.

God has taught me that I cannot judge motives simply by how I feel in the moment. Instead, He has taught me:

• Growth and intimacy can come more quickly if I’m willing to sacrifice my pride to better understand my bride.
• That I need to lead spiritually and risk being uncomfortable for my family’s spiritual health.
• My marriage is vulnerable and I must be engaged and in pursuit of growth everyday.
• But most importantly, God has taught me to protect my bride from emotionally damaging people no matter how close these people are and how difficult this may be.

Marriage CAN be simple bliss with unbelievable intimacy… but the foundation has to be properly built around God’s plan for refinement of our individual characters. Without the basic ground work being done, marriage will always be a struggle and seem like hard work.

My marriage experiences this simple bliss at times. It’s awesome when Jenni and I are clicking in this way. In all honesty, I am still being refined and sometimes I refuse to submit to the process or I refuse to take the uncomfortable role of leadership that is needed in the moment. I don’t give up. I fight on because the goal is worth the challenge.

Join me in refining yourself so you can experience “Simple Bliss” in your marriage.

Three years ago this month we were asked to share our story publicly for the very first time. The new senior pastor at Traders Point Christian Church, Aaron Brocket wanted to kick off the new year with our story. We said no…it’s not worth the risk. Until we prayed about it. Then we said we would share our story just one time and that would be it. We’d be done. That would be the end of that.

After we shared, the response was overwhelming. Husbands wanting to talk.Wives needing advice. Couples that were broken. We didn’t know what to do. I called my friend Pete and asked his advice. He said, “You should start a blog.” “What is a blog?” I asked. We said no…it isn’t worth the risk. Until we prayed about it. We’d do one blog series, and that would be the end of that.

God started opening doors for us to travel and speak at churches and started using our blog to reach people all over the world. Then we were asked to do a marriage seminar. We said no…a marriage seminar isn’t worth the risk. Until we prayed about it. Okay, we’ll do one marriage seminar, and that would be it.

Over and over again this has been the pattern for the past three years. God opens a door for ministry. We look at our experience; our failures; our limitations; our lack of expertise and we conclude it isn’t worth the risk. Then we pray about it and God reassures us that any risk for His Glory is always worth it. The conferences we speak at; the book we are writing; the marriage coaching we do; all of it is intimidating and we feel unqualified.

I remember sitting at Starbucks here in Nashville over a year ago with Casey Graham. He began to challenge us to take our journey and our experience and put together an online mentoring program that would help couples move from the marriage they have to the marriage they desire. He cast vision to Trisha and me about a weekly subscription that would be intentional and strategic in improving marriages. We said no.

Then a few months later he mentioned it to us again. We said no again.

What if no one is interested? What if what we have to say isn’t helpful? What if we offer this thing and no one signs up? What if it fails? ” It isn’t worth the risk. Then we prayed about it and realized that if it helped just one couple, it would be worth the risk.

We have over 100 people that have signed up for our MentorUs program and I am so glad we took the risk. You can still sign up to join us as well. Trisha and I were talking this weekend and we realized that 2 years ago we didn’t even have 100 people reading our blog…so what an honor to be helping so many couples. I’m so glad we didn’t do what was easy, but chose to trust God even when it was risky.

For those of you that took a risk on us and believed that the story God has written in our life and marriage could be written in your marriage…thank you! To our friend Aaron…thank you. To our friend Pete…thank you. To our friend Casey…thank you.

Maybe today is your day to take a risk. Maybe today you know God is calling you to do something that is outside your comfort zone. But you know it is from Him. To those of you that know God is calling to risk; to trust; to step out in faith; not for your own glory but for His…it is worth the risk.

If you’ve been saying no to the next chapter of your story…pray about it…then take the risk.

Each year during the week between Christmas and New Years we post the Top 5 Posts of the previous year. Today through the end of the year, we will post the top five posts of 2011. We hope you enjoy this short recap of the year and can’t wait to see all that God does at RefineUs in 2012.

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There is a litmus test in our marriage that has 100% accurate results. We can tell our marriage is drifting into mediocre when one word is used. As we speak at conferences and spend time coaching couples we hear this same word repeated over and over again. It is a small word, but one that carries the power to keep any marriage mediocre. That word is…… BUT.

• I know I have an anger problem…BUT
• I know I haven’t forgiven him…BUT
• It’s true that I occasionally look at porn…BUT
• I do use sex to manipulate my husband…BUT
• I haven’t been completely honest with my wife…BUT
• I invest more in my job than I do our marriage…BUT
• I am not where I need to be spiritually as a wife…BUT
• Yes, I’m chatting with my old boyfriend on Facebook…BUT
• I am a control freak with our money…BUT
• I make her feel guilty all the time…BUT
• I know I don’t stick to our budget…BUT
• I said I would change…BUT

There is a belief in all of us that we are a better spouse to our spouse than they are to us. That belief may not come to the surface every day, but it is driven out through conflict, hurt or difficult circumstances. That belief is expressed when we identify the role we play in our mediocre marriage and then deflect responsibility off of ourselves and onto our spouse. I know I have this problem, BUT she does this. I know I have this issue, BUT he does this.

We aren’t capable of changing our spouse so we use our spouse’s weaknesses or imperfections to justify our choices, behavior or character flaws. No one wins. You lose because you aren’t allowing God to change you. Your spouse loses because you are constantly keeping score of their mess-ups. Your marriage loses because it stays in a cycle of mediocrity.

Maybe today, you need to kick “but.” You need to identify the areas of your marriage you are trying to shift responsibility off of yourself and onto your spouse. What if you went to your spouse and just owned your brokenness? What if you said to them that you take responsibility for all of your flaws without brining up theirs? That is a game changer. That is you choosing to move beyond mediocre and give your marriage the chance to be extraordinary.

Do you struggle with BUT?

One thing we learned about this community…we love us some free stuff.

Seriously, we can’t thank you guys enough for your love; your support; your encouragement and your help in sharing the new resources we are launching at RefineUs. You guys are amazing.

If you are just tuning in…we are launching two new resources in January:

MentorUs: A monthly membership program designed to move you from the marriage you have to the marriage you desire. (MentorUs membership is 25% off until December 31st)

CoachUs: An online coaching program designed to equip you to have the marriage God has in mind.(We still have a few spots open for registration)

Here are the winners and the prizes they won:

First Place: Kyle Whiteley- Amazon Kindle Fire

Second Place: Angie Combs-Free Marriage Coaching Session

Third Place: Daniel Peavey-Starbucks Gift Card

Congrats to each of our winners!

If you guys could email us your contact info so we can connect with you and get you your prizes that would be awesome!

Thanks again for being a part of the launch of CoachUs.

Yesterday was an amazing day. We launched our new CoachUs program by announcing that we’re giving away a bunch of stuff…including an Amazon Kindle Fire. You can still enter to win it! Thank you for helping us get the word out. (If you want to share this post too, we’d appreciate it!)

Today, we want to challenge some of you to take a step and register for our coaching program. We have a few openings left and maybe today is the day you choose to move from the marriage you have, to the marriage you truly desire. You don’t have to walk alone.

What we have found is that most people don’t need textbook answers, they need a partner in the journey. Our marriage coaches desire to walk with you as you seek to refine your marriage.

The cost of registration is $60. This includes $10 non-refundable registration fee and $50 for your first marriage coaching session. If you are not satisfied after your first session, you can cancel your coaching registration and not pay anything further. You will be billed monthly for subsequent coaching sessions.

After registering, each couple will receive an email from their Coach setting up their first online meeting. The program is a four-month commitment to meet via Skype one hour per month. Email correspondence on the off weeks for support and encouragement are common.

***Please know that every attempt to pair you with the coach of your choice will be made. Coaches are determined by availability and capacity. Click here for more info on our coaches.

I sat on the couch last night next to Trisha, fighting to stay awake while we watched TV. Six years ago this week I was fighting to stay married to her. She was fighting to forgive me for an affair. I was fighting to be honest. We were fighting to find a new start. We were fighting to pay bills. For the first time in our 10 year marriage, we were fighting for each other, not with each other. I would never choose the path we took, but I wouldn’t trade in the marriage we have for anything. It was worth the fight.

There are couples fighting right now as I type this. They are fighting with each other more than they are fighting for each other. They are fighting to stay married. They are fighting to believe there is hope for their marriage. They are fighting to make it through the holidays…to just get through Christmas. For a lot of couples, the finish line for their fight will be December 26, 2011. Then the fight will be over.

More people will file for divorce in January 2012 than every other month combined next year. For many couples right now…they are almost out of fight…they are ready to wave the white flag.

This summer, Trisha and I decided to fight harder. What if we could help more couples that are ready to throw in the towel? What if we could help more couples fight for each other in 2012 than we did in 2011? What if more families stayed together next year than split up? What if we could help husbands and wives that are hurting and wounded find healing and strength to fight? We knew we couldn’t fight alone.

From a business perspective, it makes no sense to launch a new initiative in December. But this isn’t about a business, it is about helping people during the most fragile time of the year. Now. Because NOW is the time to fight, now is the time to launch our new marriage coaching program, CoachUs.

We are honored to partner with with four amazing couples to be able to expand our coaching program for 2012. Each couple brings their own experience; their own passion; their own wisdom to RefineUs. Each coaching couple will also bring the heart of RefineUs to the couples and fight for them.

To kick off this new program, we are giving away some really cool stuff.  Here is what we’re giving away:

1. Amazon Kindle Fire ($199 value)

2. One Free Coaching Session ($50 value)

3. Starbucks Gift Card ($20 value)

How do you win?

First: Leave a comment telling us your name and marital status.

Second: Tweet or Facebook this- Enter to win a FREE Kindle Fire from @justindavis33 and RefineUs.org http://tinyurl.com/coachus

On Saturday, we’ll randomly select 3 winners.

More importantly, you will help us share this new resource with people who need help in their marriage…now. 

To find our more about our CoachUs program, CLICK HERE.

The passion that has driven our blog and our ministry is this desire to be proactive to help marriages thrive, not just survive. We know that it is possible, but it has to be intentional. We have spent the past two years sharing the journey that God has used to not just fix our marriage, but to recreate it. We have been asked repeatedly if we have any resources that could strategically help couples get from where they are to where they want to be. Up until now the answer was no.

We are excited to share with you a new resource that we believe will be able to come along side you and walk you through a process of refining your marriage and pursuing one another.

The RefineUs mentor program was created to help you move from the marriage you have to the marriage you desire. Each week you’ll receive an email unpacking a RefineUs principle and giving you a personal and marital assignment for you to complete. You’ll have access to downloads and audio and video teaching as well. Once per month, you will receive a video with real, raw and practical advice on how to have the marriage you deeply desire.

MentorUs is the most affordable and convenient way to grow in your marriage. You can cancel at any time, but we believe that 12 months of this program will transform the quality and intimacy of your marriage.

Recap of what is included:

• Weekly email from RefineUs with a practical and transformational principles on growing in your marriage
• Monthly Video from RefineUs with raw and honest stories and advice for you to apply to your marriage
• Downloadable resources designed to give you marriage tips when you need them.
• Our new E-book available in January.

MentorUs will start in January 2012. We are discounting registration between now and the end of the year. We can’t wait to help you move from the marriage you have to the marriage of your dreams.

You can find More Info HERE