Three years ago this month we were asked to share our story publicly for the very first time. The new senior pastor at Traders Point Christian Church, Aaron Brocket wanted to kick off the new year with our story. We said no…it’s not worth the risk. Until we prayed about it. Then we said we would share our story just one time and that would be it. We’d be done. That would be the end of that.

After we shared, the response was overwhelming. Husbands wanting to talk.Wives needing advice. Couples that were broken. We didn’t know what to do. I called my friend Pete and asked his advice. He said, “You should start a blog.” “What is a blog?” I asked. We said no…it isn’t worth the risk. Until we prayed about it. We’d do one blog series, and that would be the end of that.

God started opening doors for us to travel and speak at churches and started using our blog to reach people all over the world. Then we were asked to do a marriage seminar. We said no…a marriage seminar isn’t worth the risk. Until we prayed about it. Okay, we’ll do one marriage seminar, and that would be it.

Over and over again this has been the pattern for the past three years. God opens a door for ministry. We look at our experience; our failures; our limitations; our lack of expertise and we conclude it isn’t worth the risk. Then we pray about it and God reassures us that any risk for His Glory is always worth it. The conferences we speak at; the book we are writing; the marriage coaching we do; all of it is intimidating and we feel unqualified.

I remember sitting at Starbucks here in Nashville over a year ago with Casey Graham. He began to challenge us to take our journey and our experience and put together an online mentoring program that would help couples move from the marriage they have to the marriage they desire. He cast vision to Trisha and me about a weekly subscription that would be intentional and strategic in improving marriages. We said no.

Then a few months later he mentioned it to us again. We said no again.

What if no one is interested? What if what we have to say isn’t helpful? What if we offer this thing and no one signs up? What if it fails? ” It isn’t worth the risk. Then we prayed about it and realized that if it helped just one couple, it would be worth the risk.

We have over 100 people that have signed up for our MentorUs program and I am so glad we took the risk. You can still sign up to join us as well. Trisha and I were talking this weekend and we realized that 2 years ago we didn’t even have 100 people reading our blog…so what an honor to be helping so many couples. I’m so glad we didn’t do what was easy, but chose to trust God even when it was risky.

For those of you that took a risk on us and believed that the story God has written in our life and marriage could be written in your marriage…thank you! To our friend Aaron…thank you. To our friend Pete…thank you. To our friend Casey…thank you.

Maybe today is your day to take a risk. Maybe today you know God is calling you to do something that is outside your comfort zone. But you know it is from Him. To those of you that know God is calling to risk; to trust; to step out in faith; not for your own glory but for His…it is worth the risk.

If you’ve been saying no to the next chapter of your story…pray about it…then take the risk.

Each year during the week between Christmas and New Years we post the Top 5 Posts of the previous year. Today through the end of the year, we will post the top five posts of 2011. We hope you enjoy this short recap of the year and can’t wait to see all that God does at RefineUs in 2012.

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There is a litmus test in our marriage that has 100% accurate results. We can tell our marriage is drifting into mediocre when one word is used. As we speak at conferences and spend time coaching couples we hear this same word repeated over and over again. It is a small word, but one that carries the power to keep any marriage mediocre. That word is…… BUT.

• I know I have an anger problem…BUT
• I know I haven’t forgiven him…BUT
• It’s true that I occasionally look at porn…BUT
• I do use sex to manipulate my husband…BUT
• I haven’t been completely honest with my wife…BUT
• I invest more in my job than I do our marriage…BUT
• I am not where I need to be spiritually as a wife…BUT
• Yes, I’m chatting with my old boyfriend on Facebook…BUT
• I am a control freak with our money…BUT
• I make her feel guilty all the time…BUT
• I know I don’t stick to our budget…BUT
• I said I would change…BUT

There is a belief in all of us that we are a better spouse to our spouse than they are to us. That belief may not come to the surface every day, but it is driven out through conflict, hurt or difficult circumstances. That belief is expressed when we identify the role we play in our mediocre marriage and then deflect responsibility off of ourselves and onto our spouse. I know I have this problem, BUT she does this. I know I have this issue, BUT he does this.

We aren’t capable of changing our spouse so we use our spouse’s weaknesses or imperfections to justify our choices, behavior or character flaws. No one wins. You lose because you aren’t allowing God to change you. Your spouse loses because you are constantly keeping score of their mess-ups. Your marriage loses because it stays in a cycle of mediocrity.

Maybe today, you need to kick “but.” You need to identify the areas of your marriage you are trying to shift responsibility off of yourself and onto your spouse. What if you went to your spouse and just owned your brokenness? What if you said to them that you take responsibility for all of your flaws without brining up theirs? That is a game changer. That is you choosing to move beyond mediocre and give your marriage the chance to be extraordinary.

Do you struggle with BUT?

One thing we learned about this community…we love us some free stuff.

Seriously, we can’t thank you guys enough for your love; your support; your encouragement and your help in sharing the new resources we are launching at RefineUs. You guys are amazing.

If you are just tuning in…we are launching two new resources in January:

MentorUs: A monthly membership program designed to move you from the marriage you have to the marriage you desire. (MentorUs membership is 25% off until December 31st)

CoachUs: An online coaching program designed to equip you to have the marriage God has in mind.(We still have a few spots open for registration)

Here are the winners and the prizes they won:

First Place: Kyle Whiteley- Amazon Kindle Fire

Second Place: Angie Combs-Free Marriage Coaching Session

Third Place: Daniel Peavey-Starbucks Gift Card

Congrats to each of our winners!

If you guys could email us your contact info so we can connect with you and get you your prizes that would be awesome!

Thanks again for being a part of the launch of CoachUs.

Yesterday was an amazing day. We launched our new CoachUs program by announcing that we’re giving away a bunch of stuff…including an Amazon Kindle Fire. You can still enter to win it! Thank you for helping us get the word out. (If you want to share this post too, we’d appreciate it!)

Today, we want to challenge some of you to take a step and register for our coaching program. We have a few openings left and maybe today is the day you choose to move from the marriage you have, to the marriage you truly desire. You don’t have to walk alone.

What we have found is that most people don’t need textbook answers, they need a partner in the journey. Our marriage coaches desire to walk with you as you seek to refine your marriage.

The cost of registration is $60. This includes $10 non-refundable registration fee and $50 for your first marriage coaching session. If you are not satisfied after your first session, you can cancel your coaching registration and not pay anything further. You will be billed monthly for subsequent coaching sessions.

After registering, each couple will receive an email from their Coach setting up their first online meeting. The program is a four-month commitment to meet via Skype one hour per month. Email correspondence on the off weeks for support and encouragement are common.

***Please know that every attempt to pair you with the coach of your choice will be made. Coaches are determined by availability and capacity. Click here for more info on our coaches.

I sat on the couch last night next to Trisha, fighting to stay awake while we watched TV. Six years ago this week I was fighting to stay married to her. She was fighting to forgive me for an affair. I was fighting to be honest. We were fighting to find a new start. We were fighting to pay bills. For the first time in our 10 year marriage, we were fighting for each other, not with each other. I would never choose the path we took, but I wouldn’t trade in the marriage we have for anything. It was worth the fight.

There are couples fighting right now as I type this. They are fighting with each other more than they are fighting for each other. They are fighting to stay married. They are fighting to believe there is hope for their marriage. They are fighting to make it through the holidays…to just get through Christmas. For a lot of couples, the finish line for their fight will be December 26, 2011. Then the fight will be over.

More people will file for divorce in January 2012 than every other month combined next year. For many couples right now…they are almost out of fight…they are ready to wave the white flag.

This summer, Trisha and I decided to fight harder. What if we could help more couples that are ready to throw in the towel? What if we could help more couples fight for each other in 2012 than we did in 2011? What if more families stayed together next year than split up? What if we could help husbands and wives that are hurting and wounded find healing and strength to fight? We knew we couldn’t fight alone.

From a business perspective, it makes no sense to launch a new initiative in December. But this isn’t about a business, it is about helping people during the most fragile time of the year. Now. Because NOW is the time to fight, now is the time to launch our new marriage coaching program, CoachUs.

We are honored to partner with with four amazing couples to be able to expand our coaching program for 2012. Each couple brings their own experience; their own passion; their own wisdom to RefineUs. Each coaching couple will also bring the heart of RefineUs to the couples and fight for them.

To kick off this new program, we are giving away some really cool stuff.  Here is what we’re giving away:

1. Amazon Kindle Fire ($199 value)

2. One Free Coaching Session ($50 value)

3. Starbucks Gift Card ($20 value)

How do you win?

First: Leave a comment telling us your name and marital status.

Second: Tweet or Facebook this- Enter to win a FREE Kindle Fire from @justindavis33 and RefineUs.org http://tinyurl.com/coachus

On Saturday, we’ll randomly select 3 winners.

More importantly, you will help us share this new resource with people who need help in their marriage…now. 

To find our more about our CoachUs program, CLICK HERE.

The passion that has driven our blog and our ministry is this desire to be proactive to help marriages thrive, not just survive. We know that it is possible, but it has to be intentional. We have spent the past two years sharing the journey that God has used to not just fix our marriage, but to recreate it. We have been asked repeatedly if we have any resources that could strategically help couples get from where they are to where they want to be. Up until now the answer was no.

We are excited to share with you a new resource that we believe will be able to come along side you and walk you through a process of refining your marriage and pursuing one another.

The RefineUs mentor program was created to help you move from the marriage you have to the marriage you desire. Each week you’ll receive an email unpacking a RefineUs principle and giving you a personal and marital assignment for you to complete. You’ll have access to downloads and audio and video teaching as well. Once per month, you will receive a video with real, raw and practical advice on how to have the marriage you deeply desire.

MentorUs is the most affordable and convenient way to grow in your marriage. You can cancel at any time, but we believe that 12 months of this program will transform the quality and intimacy of your marriage.

Recap of what is included:

• Weekly email from RefineUs with a practical and transformational principles on growing in your marriage
• Monthly Video from RefineUs with raw and honest stories and advice for you to apply to your marriage
• Downloadable resources designed to give you marriage tips when you need them.
• Our new E-book available in January.

MentorUs will start in January 2012. We are discounting registration between now and the end of the year. We can’t wait to help you move from the marriage you have to the marriage of your dreams.

You can find More Info HERE

Signs Your Marriage is Drifting

1. You think that the absence of conflict equals the presence of intimacy.

2. You find yourself keeping certain details of conversations or events from your spouse.

3. You say you forgive but you are really resentful.

4. You care more about being right than being one with your spouse.

5. When you get dressed in the morning, you are hoping that certain person at work notices you.

6. You look for opportunities to run errands, do chores, or work late so you can spend less time at home.

7. You say you’re sorry but you never change.

8. Sexual intimacy is rarely offered or pursued.

9. You are more emotionally connected to another person than you are your spouse.

10. You can’t remember the last time you had a conversation of substance that wasn’t an argument.

11. You haven’t gone on a date with just your spouse in over three months.

This list doesn’t mean that you’re marriage is over. This list means that your marriage is drifting. You don’t avoid these things by accident. You choose to avoid this list. You make a decision every day to walk in the other direction of this list. We are here to help you avoid this list. You don’t have to walk alone.

We’re here. More importantly, God is here. He is fighting for you today. Fight for your marriage.

This isn’t an exhaustive list. What else should we add to this list?

So many of you are faithful readers of our blog and such an encouragement to our ministry. I want update you on a project we are working on that could help many more marriages not just survive, but thrive. Let me give you a little background.

A little over a year ago, Trisha and I started offering marriage coaching via Skype for couples. We have coached 17 different couples (via Skype, additional couples in person) over the past year and we think it has been effective. We have learned a lot and we think that the format of coaching via the internet works.  The problem is, there are more people requesting marriage coaching than we have the capacity to serve. We want to help more people without putting our family and marriage at risk. We have people email us daily that aren’t getting the help they need. While we can’t be everything to everyone, we know there are more effective ways to do what we are doing.

This new format will also help set the foundation for training other couples to do coaching in addition to us.

We are considering a new format that would include a group video chat component; an online chat room to interact and ask questions and a follow up email to the content we discussed. We did our first beta test of the format on Monday night, and it was extremely helpful. We aren’t ready to go live with it yet, but feel like with some more research, code writing and planning it will really help a lot of people.

Here is where you come in. We’d love your help in the development of this tool to refine and restore marriages.

How you can help:

1. Pray that God would lead us as we seek to develop a more effective system to bring hope and healing to marriages.

2. Support our ministry: we will have some design and code writing expenses to get this new tool up and running.

3. Answer the three questions below. Totally confidential.

We can’t thank you guys enough for your continued support, your encouragement and your prayers. We had no clue two years ago when we started this blog all that God had in mind. We feel honored to use our story to share God’s power to redeem and to help others along the way.

There are times that you choose to do things and you know the outcome. You know that certain choices aren’t big risks. Then there are decisions that are so risky that they scare you to death, because failure is a huge possibility.

Almost a year ago, we made a decision that was a definite risk,  but we felt like God wad leading us to make.

We started our Marriage Coaching program with four couples. They varied in age; in area of the country; in stage of life; in condition of their relationship. We had no idea what we were getting into. We had no idea if this would even work. We had no idea if each couple would benefit from it.

We have been blown away at how God has shown up. The couples that we have coached and the way that God had lead in each of these relationships has been so awesome. We know that our Marriage Coaching Program isn’t for everyone. We know that we can’t reach every single couple that is hurting or in need of help, but it has been so wonderful to walk along side of a few couples and see the tremendous growth and healing that has taken place in their lives over the past year.

You can read about how our Marriage Coaching Program works on our resource web site: Refine Our Marriage. Our friend Jenny said this about her and her husband’s experience:

Justin and Trisha came along at a crucial time in our marriage and were a HUGE answer to prayer. The insight my husband and I gained from just one session gave us hope, courage, and focus in a way that weeks spent in therapy had not accomplished. There is something very powerful about coming together “in Christ’s name” to create stronger, healthier, more God-centered relationships and Justin and Trisha really get this.

We are opening registration for January 2011, today. If you are interested in our marriage-coaching program you can check out more info at Refine Our Marriage; you can leave a comment and we will follow up with you; or you can actually register by clicking HERE. (scroll down to the bottom of the page).

If you’d like to help us get the word out about our resource site for couples, feel free to tweet this post or share it on Facebook. Our ministry exists to renew hope and restore relationships. By God’s grace and with your help, we are honored to be doing that.

If you’d like more info about Marriage Coaching, just leave a comment.

Last night, I posted on Twitter a picture of the book we received Monday from the printer. Our friend Ali worked with us over the past few months to design this marriage conference resource. It isn’t as big of a deal as receiving your book from a publisher, but this little booklet is very special to us. This booklet represents a five year journey in our lives and marriage that can only be described as God-ordained.

Trisha and I had no vision for ministry. We had no idea that God would use something so destructive; something so painful and humiliating to provide hope and healing to others.

God in a miraculous way, took something that was meant for harm and hurt and brought about redemption and restoration.

Sharing our story for the first time in 2009 evolved to starting our blog. Our incredible RefineUs community (you) helped us see a vision for ministry again. We established RefineUs Ministries in June 2009. The response continued to grow and God continued to lead and that vision lead to RefineOurMarriage.com, in 2010.

We launched RefineOurMarriage.com in August in hopes of establishing a resource to help restore hope and renew relationships. Our desire is to reach and serve three audiences: spouses in crisis; marriages in process and pastors and churches in need.

We launched our Marriage Coaching program. We began to write content for Marriage Conferences. We opened our schedule up to pastors and spouses who were struggling and have no one to talk to, through OneDays. We agreed to speak at churches and church leadership conferences. God continues to lead in ways that blow our minds every single day.

This weekend we have the honor of partnering with SunCrest Christian Church and lead them in our Refine Our Marriage Retreat. Then on Sunday, we have the opportunity to share with Fox Valley Christian Church, in Batavia, IL. Trisha and I were on staff there in 1997 as their student pastor. We are so excited to be back with them on Sunday.

Why do I share this? Three reasons:

1. Thank you. Thank you to those of you that have been with us since February of 2009. We didn’t even know what a blog was when we started this deal. You have prayed for us. You have encouraged us. You have believed in what God was doing when we were doubting our ability to communicate. You have emailed our posts; retweeted us; shared on Facebook; become a fan of our ministry; been a partner with us through prayer. The couples that hear God’s story this weekend do so because of your faithfulness. Thank you!

2. We want to serve you. The reason we launched RefineOurMarriage.com was to provide resources. There are audio and video downloads. There are PDF downloads; there are several ways we are striving to restore hope and renew relationships. We want to be faithful to share what God has done and can do.

3. Be encouraged. Five years ago at this time, Trisha and I were separated. We didn’t live in the same house. We weren’t sure if our marriage would survive. God is bigger than our mistakes. He is bigger than our hurts. He is bigger than any destruction that may have wrecked your life. He has great plans for you. If He can restore our marriage and redeem us…he can do anything. Be encouraged. God is fighting for you even more than you are fighting for yourself. He has plans for you; plans to give you hope and a future. Live in that today.

We are so thankful for you. We are humbled to be on this journey with you. Please be praying for us this weekend as we share God’s desire and dream for marriage.