I have spent a lot of time on the computer lately. A.Lot.Of.Time.

Over the past few weeks, we have redesigned our blog; we launched a new resource web site: RefineOurMarriage; we are working on a book proposal; we are planning a marriage conference we are speaking at in Chicago in November…lots of hours on the computer. This is over and above the computer time I spend for my pastoral role at Cross Point.

My kids have noticed. Trisha has noticed. I have noticed. I keep telling myself it is a season. I keep telling myself normal is coming. Then I wonder have I redefined normal?

Last night, I came home with the goal of not looking at my phone or my computer until after the kids went to bed. We ate dinner together. We watched a movie. I checked homework. We tucked the kids in. At certain times I felt a sense of withdrawal…from email…from the blog…from Twitter.

As I was praying this morning, I felt God asking me… “Do you feel the same sense of withdrawal in our relationship?” When you don’t spend time with me; when you choose to engage in everything else other than me, do you feel withdrawal? Do you want to read my Word as much as email? Do you want to journal as much as write on your blog? Or is this your new normal?”

I guess today is a heart check day for me. It’s easy to write about things you’ve dealt with…harder to write about things you need to deal with.

I’m reminded today that it does me no good to have a vibrant ministry at Cross Point and a mediocre relationship with God. It is pointless to have a growing marriage ministry and a sucky marriage. It is not an option to be asked to speak at different places or to have finished a book proposal, if it comes at the cost of my relationship with my kids.

I love the ministry opportunities God, by His grace, has given me. But I don’t love them more than God. I don’t love them more than my wife. I don’t love them more than my kids.

I need my heart to hear what my head already knows.

Heart-check.

Before Trisha and I separated, we argued a lot. We still have disagreements now, but NOTHING like we used to. Our disagreements now are about things that matter.

They aren’t about something that happened five years ago; they don’t have rabbit trails that loop in my mother, Trisha forgetting my birthday in 1998, and how I didn’t mow the yard last week.

You know those kind of arguments…the kind that you can’t even remember what you started arguing about?

Been.There.

We used to argue …A LOT.

As we began to go to counseling, and started unpacking our junk, we realized that we argued (most of the time) so Trisha could get my attention. If there was conflict, then I was engaged. When I perceived things were going well with our marriage, then I pursued my own agenda. So often, Trisha would initiate conflict or react to what should have been a level 2 reaction with a level 10 reaction, because at the core of her being, she wanted my attention. She desired my participation. She longed for me to notice.

Isn’t that sad? Why did it take anger to get my attention? Why did I not pursue my wife unless there was a problem? How jacked is that?

Let me ask you to evaluate your relationships…your marriage, your friendships, your family dynamics. What does it take for you to engage? What does it require for you to pursue your wife’s heart? What is required for you to be present? What forces you to participate, not just spectate, in your relationship?

When conflict is used as a pawn in a relationship, its purpose is distorted. God often uses conflict to build intimacy. But when we have to use it for our own purposes, what was meant to build, tears down. What was designed create openness ends up creating resentment.

So many people spend the best hours of their day arguing with the people they love the most. Most of those arguments have no redemptive value at all. They are symptoms of an attention deficit.

How many arguments could you prevent by participating? How many fights might not happen if you engaged before conflict had to erupt? What if you listened more? What if you asked more questions? What if you didn’t check email at the table? What if you looked at your spouse in the eyes when they talked to you? What if you were fully present?

What if…

Do you see conflict used as a last resort attention getter in your marriage/friendships/relationships?

I’ve always thought that the opposite of fear was courage. Growing up, every time I would express fear, my dad would tell me to be brave. When my kids tell me they are scared, I remind them that courage isn’t not being fearful; courage is overcoming fear. So many sermons that I’ve given over fifteen years have had to do with overcoming fear with courageous faith. Obviously, courage is very much linked to fear, but courage isn’t the opposite of fear.

According the thesaurus, the opposite of fear…is safety. The opposing feeling to being scared is feeling secure. Maybe I’m the last one to this party, but that is very interesting to me. As I began to think about this, I started thinking about my life, my marriage, my ministry, and my relationships. I have spent much more time trying to be a courageous Christian than I have a secure Christian. I have spent much more time trying to prove how brave I am, how much faith I have than I have spent resting in the safety of my relationship with God.

In fact, I believe that in the Church as a whole, we spend much more time trying to prove how brave we are, trying to convince one another how courageous we are…our fear still robs us of our security. We still live without a sense of safety.

I am not talking about safety in the sense of “not taking risks”; (that is a different kind of safe) I’m talking about feeling so secure in your relationship with God that you don’t fear others noticing your imperfections.

In this sense, I believe we have made the Church the least safe place on earth. Part of our passion with RefineUs is to change the culture of the church so that pastors, their wives and those of us who make up The Church feel safe:

• Safe to be real
• Safe to feel stressed out
• Safe to be imperfect
• Safe to admit marriage problems
• Safe to not have all the answers
• Safe to make parenting mistakes
• Safe to not have it all together
• Safe to admit failure, struggle, sin, addiction

Do we have a passion to help men and women whose spouse has broken trust? Yes. Do we have a heart to coach and mentor couples that are trying to recover from adultery, or a pornography addiction? Yes. Do we have a desire to counsel pastors who have lost their ministry and their marriage because of poor choices? Yes.

But what if we could be a part of creating a safe place for pastors to be themselves? What if there was a place for them to seek help without the fear of being criticized or judged or fired? What if we could help save their marriage and their ministry before it implodes?

That is the heart behind our Pastor to Pastor program. We want to provide a place where pastors and their wives can feel safe to admit hurt, weakness and heartache so that they can find healing and wholeness. So that The Church can be whole as well.

Question today: have you tried to overcome your fear by just being brave, and not pursued security in Christ?

October 9, 2005 the morning began with a beautiful sunrise. I (Trish) had woken-up at 4:30AM knowing I had to be at church by 6:30AM for rehearsal. Two hours and a brand new outfit was surely what I needed to make myself beautiful. I thought to myself “If I make myself as beautiful as possible then I know he will choose me.”

Church began and I found myself on a stage singing words like “How great is our God.” It was all I could do to lead and not run off the stage in tears. Then Justin spoke. He was sick and losing his voice and I remember him speaking as if all was well. Then it was time for that last song. I’m not sure if I sang it with a heart of desperation or just complete numbness.

I’m guest posting over at my friend Jenni’s Blog today for Affair Week.

YOU CAN READ THE REST OF THIS POST HERE:

There are certain things that I write about and talk about that are harder than others. The most difficult things to discuss for me are the personal, intentional decisions that I made to have an affair. Selfish. Cruel. Mean. Dark.

There are some things in life we can chalk up to circumstances. There are some things that we can attribute to someone elses’ choices. But then there are the things in life that we choose that cause tremendous hurt and damage and have severe consequences. Those are what haunt me the most. My thoughts are typically “If I would have just chosen to do that one thing differently.” “Things could have been so much different if I would have done this…” Haunting.

I heard someone say one time in reference to making mistakes “You can stub your toe a hundred times, but you can only cut your throat once.” For me, I had two decision points: one that was near fatal, and one that decimated not only my family, but also another family and an entire church.

I’m guest posting today for Affair Week on my friend Jenni Clayville’s Blog:

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THIS POST

Today is a huge day in our lives, marriage and ministry.
We have been planning and praying about today for a long time!

We are launching a resource site called RefineOurMarriage.com.

RefineOurMarriage is site aimed to engage 3 Audiences:

-Spouses in Crisis: Crisis Coaching, Crisis Resources, Next Steps

-Marriages In Process: Marriage Coaching, Downloadable Resources, Monthly Newsletter

-Pastors and Churches in Need: Marriage Conferences, Pastor to Pastor Program, Church Partnerships

Thanks to my man Kyle Reed, we’ve also launched RefineUs 2.0 today. We hope you like the new look of our blog!

To celebrate the launch of RefineUs.org 2.0 and RefineOurMarriage.com we are giving away Standard Theme 2.0 and 1 autographed copy of Plan B OR a Visa Gift Card and an autographed copy of Plan B.

Entering to win is very simple.

1. Leave a comment with your name and your marital status.

2. Tweet, Facebook or Email this: It’s a Refine Our Marriage Launch Party from @justindavis33. Win Standard Theme 2.0 or a Visa Gift Card! Details Here! http://ow.ly/2pJBJ

That’s all you have to do to enter! But WAIT…THERE’S MORE! If you retweet or Facebook this post you will be entered to win twice. So you can double your chances with just 2 tweets or Facebook posts.

We’ll randomly select the winners on Tuesday August 17 at 9:00 PM Central Time.

Thanks for supporting our blog, our ministry and our passion to help restore hope and renew relationships. We love you guys!

What a rich few days it has been talking about forgiveness. I am so thankful to Trisha for her willingness to share so honestly about her journey of forgiveness. She is going to wrap up the series tomorrow with a post on restoration.

A few weeks after the affair, Trisha and I sat in a counseling session. Tension was thick. Hurts ran deep. Restoration wasn’t in sight. Our counselor began to talk to Trish about the process of forgiveness. After a few minutes, Trisha looked at the counselor, then she looked at me, and with tears in her eyes she said, “I know I can forgive you, I just don’t know if I can trust you.”

A common mistake people make is they confuse forgiveness with trust. Forgiveness, according to Scripture should be offered unconditionally. In fact, if there are conditions, then it isn’t forgiveness. But trust has to be earned.

If you have been hurt; betrayed; abused; cheated on; lied to then it is easy to confuse these two things. In fact, so many people that we talk to often feel like they haven’t fully forgiven because their trust hasn’t been restored. Forgiveness is a process, there is no doubt about that, but trust is a prized possession. Once your trust has been broken, it becomes even more valuable.

As someone who has broken ultimate trust in my marriage can I encourage you? Offer forgiveness freely; offer trust slowly.

Healing doesn’t come all at once. When you’ve been hurt, lied to or betrayed your heart is in a vulnerable state. What you want most is what you used to have. What you long for is life before the porn; before the sexting; before the lie; before the cheating; before the Facebook relationship. What you are tempted to do is to equate forgiveness with trust…and when you do that you short-circuit your healing and the one whose broken your trust’s restoration.

If you desire the relationship to be restored, begin to communicate things that will build your trust. Give the person who’s hurt you an opportunity to earn your trust. Don’t withhold forgiveness in this process. Communicate honestly, openly and allow the Holy Spirit to prompt you. What you shouldn’t be is fearful or paranoid…rather wise and discerning.

If you have broken trust in a relationship, it is so easy for you as well to confuse forgiveness with trust. Your feeling is “If you have really forgiven me, then we wouldn’t be having these conversations.” Ask yourself this question, “Has my spouse (friend, sister, daughter) not forgiven me, or do they not trust me?” When you confuse forgiveness with trust you begin to think that you can never do enough to be forgiven.

My guess is that it is much easier for your spouse to forgive you than it is to trust you. Pay the price. Seek to do the little things that will earn trust.

The currency of any relationship is trust. Maybe today your relationship seems bankrupt because you’ve confused trust with forgiveness.

The truth is that in every relationship, forgiveness should be free…but trust has to be earned.

Have you confused forgiveness with trust?

Do you ever feel that when you hear the word forgiveness it feels one-dimensional? Like your supposed to forgive and then just move on? You know the famous line “forgive and forget.”

As I stated in my first post of this series my pastor Pete spoke on forgiveness Sunday. He gave the word forgiveness dimension that I knew in my heart and head but couldn’t express through words. And he did it with just four words:

FORGIVENESS WILL COST YOU

To choose to forgive means to embrace the reality of your hurt and offer forgiveness regardless of the person(s) response. The cost is great but the reward is even greater. Jesus paid a huge price to forgive us and the reward in his obedience to the Father is receiving eternal life with him. His forgiveness was not one-dimensional. Yes it had one purpose, but the price he paid to offer forgiveness was:

Humbling – as He entered this world as a helpless infant

Complicated – as He was often misunderstood by friends and family

Lonely – as He wondered in the dessert being tempted in anyway possible to give-up

Overwhelming – as He is BETRAYED and DESERTED by his closest friends

Painful – As He was made fun off, beaten, abused and hung on a cross

Humbling. Complicated. Lonely. Overwhelming. Painful.

Do these words resonate with your heart when you think about the person(s) you are trying to forgive?

There is nothing one-dimensional or “forgive and forget” to this forgiveness.

FORGIVENESS WILL COST YOU

Matthew 5:4, Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

I am no theologian by any stretch but I believe that grieving and forgiveness are closely connected. As Christians we often feel guilty for being angry, sad or depressed because of how we’ve been hurt. It is OK to be angry! It is OK to feel depressed! It is OK to feel confused! It is OK to feel hopeless. Just because you feel these emotions doesn’t change who God is and the love he has for you.

Grieving and forgiveness are so needed in the restoration process. Restoration may not happen with the person(s) who wronged you but rather restoration is possible for you as a person and child of God. While it can be unhealthy to get stuck in one of the stages of grief it is essential to grieve and forgive so healing can begin.

“As painful as they may be, emotional wounds need to be exposed to Jesus Christ so He can heal them.”- Focus on the Family

Jesus felt the emotions of grief, embraced them but did not sin through them. We are sinful natured people. We will most-likely fail at times in the grieving process but in the process healing will begin and forgiveness will start to take place.

I’m so thankful that forgiveness is not one-dimensional (most days) because I have learned so much about myself as I have grieved. I have had to embrace the reality that my hurts can have layers and as they are pulled back Jesus in his gentle voice reveals I have not forgiven freely. Like I said most days I am thankful for the journey.

Are you tempted to see forgiveness as one-dimensional?

If you are reading this post then you most likely have struggled with forgiveness. Most of us have a story of being mistreated, betrayed, abused and the list could go on and on. Being a Christian and not forgiving the person(s) that hurt you seems to make no sense all. But lets be honest, even when we think we should forgive we have no idea what that means in the context of OUR own story. Forgiveness can be so frustrating!

Going back to Matthew 18:23-33 and the parable of the Unmerciful Servant, Jesus paints a picture of a servant that owed a great debt to his master. The master chooses to forgive the servant’s large debt completely! The servant then returns home only to demand that one of his servants pay him back in full the small amount he was owed.

The servant was “wicked” because although he was forgiven for his HUGE debt he wouldn’t forgive his servant’s small debt. See this story makes sense right?

But then we realize…oh wait… God are you telling me that I am the unmerciful servant because I won’t forgive…

• My spouse that cheated on me?
• The man who raped me?
• The mother-in-law who constantly puts me down in front of my kids?
• The drunk driver that took the life of my teenage daughter?
• My dad that left me?
• My business partner that cheated my family out of everything we own?
• The church that said they had my back until I screwed-up or was no longer needed?

Seriously, God you are trying to tell me THAT I represent the unmerciful servant?

A couple of months after Justin moved home I felt like God was calling me to write a letter to the “other woman.” I needed to tell her I forgave her. I wanted her to know God had given me eyes to see that the affair was a manifestation of a deeper brokenness within both of them. I told her I loved her and her family and would miss them no longer being a part of my life. The freedom I felt after sending the letter was amazing. I felt like I had closed that chapter of my life (even though I sobbed for days before sending it). Now it was time to move on… so I thought.

Months went by and then years and I never received a response. Over time I felt myself spiraling into that deep place of pain… AGAIN. Slowly the feelings of anger and bitterness started to creep in. I poured my heart out, forgave her, extended grace and she doesn’t even respond?

I think I had offered forgiveness the best way I knew how. What I later realized was that my understanding of forgiveness was really not forgiveness at all.

I thought I was the “Master” forgiving her of her great debt. She was the unmerciful servant never responding to me! But by God’s grace I came to realize what each of you probably don’t want to hear. I realized that I, too, am the unmerciful servant when I choose not to forgive freely!

Jesus died for MY SINS when he did nothing wrong. He was spit at, cursed at, beaten, abused, and hung on a cross to die a slow death so that I could have eternal life. Jesus taught me through his death that forgiveness is not ONLY about giving it freely but that he UNDERSTANDS YOUR PAIN!

Whatever your story, whatever your hurt He knows and understands. Forgiveness is a gift from the Father that gives freedom and life.

Forgiveness is painful. It may at first feel like you are being crucified when trying to forgive. Forgiveness may never make sense and reconciliation may never happen. With or without forgiveness you will feel pain. But what I have learned is that each time I choose to forgive I am set free and healing takes place.

Forgiveness is what has allowed this blog to come into fruition. Forgiveness has allowed me to love Justin in ways I never thought possible. Forgiveness is knowing that if I ever see the “other woman” I would run to her, hug her and tell her I miss her.

Forgiveness leads to freedom.

Have you struggled with understanding what it means to forgive?

I (Trish) have been thinking about this post for months. It’s a post that’s been on my heart but somehow the words to write it never come to mind. Yesterday at Cross Point our pastor Pete gave a message on forgiveness. It was like he had read into my heart and mind and put words to all that I have been thinking.

At least once a week if not more, I receive heartbreaking emails from women who have found out that their husband has had an affair. Many of these women are married to pastors. Their emails are often soul crushing and filled with anguish as reality sets in that their marriage is falling apart.

It seems commonplace to hear about Pastors or Christian leaders being caught in adultery or having a pornography addiction. Just writing those words evokes some intense debate about grace and forgiveness. Then there’s restoration. Christians and the church as a whole are so divided on what is or what isn’t “true” restoration that most people wave the white flag as if to say, “I give-up.”

Pete spoke on the parable of the Unmerciful Servant in Matthew 18:23-33. In this parable, Jesus paints a picture of a servant who owed a great debt to his master. The master chooses to forgive the servant’s large debt completely! The servant then returns home only to demand that one of his servants pay him back in full the small amount he was owed.

There is much to glean about forgiveness and restoration from this parable. There’s so much I want to share but can’t fit it into one post. So here are the thoughts I have been wrestling with and will be writing about over the next few days….

1. What is forgiveness and why is it important?

2. What is restoration in the context of marriage and ministry?

3. Why is it crucial for forgiveness to come first so that restoration can come later?

4. Why is it essential for restoration to have a price tag?

What we have come to learn is that before the affair, our understanding of forgiveness was incomplete. Our belief in restoration was limited. Our hope is that this week, we unpack forgiveness and restoration in a way that brings wholeness and hope to your heart.

Do you struggle to forgive?