Each year during the week between Christmas and New Years we post the Top 5 Posts of the previous year. Today through the end of the year, we will post the top five posts of 2011. We hope you enjoy this short recap of the year and can’t wait to see all that God does at RefineUs in 2012.

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Last Monday I got a text message from a good friend. The text said, “I need your help. A friend of mine is a pastor and he has confessed an affair. I don’t know what to do to help.”

The text broke my heart. It broke my heart for this pastor. It broke my heart for his wife and his kids. It broke my heart for the church that found out yesterday about his unfaithfulness.

There is a verse in Proverbs that came to my mind as I thought about this pastor…because it not only applies to him, but to me and maybe to you.

There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death

As I was thinking about this verse, I thought about the path to an affair. There is a definite path to choosing an affair. It isn’t one big step into sin, but rather several small steps and compromises here and there.

Here is the certain path to an affair:

• Believe that it will never happen to you

• Choose to equate accountability with transparency

• Find your identity in something other than Christ

• Be willing to tell little lies or leave out part of the truth when it will benefit you

• Place more of a weight on what others think about you than what your spouse thinks about you

• Pretend to be closer to God than you really are

• Overcome your insecurities and low self esteem with a false pride and arrogance

• Ignore sexual brokenness from your past and believe it won’t affect your marriage

• Romanticize a relationship with someone else as being more fulfilling than your relationship with your spouse

It is easy to look back on an affair and see the choices and compromises that were made along the way. What if we didn’t wait until the choices we can’t undo were made before we changed? What if we changed the direction of our marriage now? What if you chose to walk a path that leads to life in your marriage, today?

What if more people recognized the path before they were on it? That is why RefineUs exists.

We are fighting for you…and so is God.

One thing we learned about this community…we love us some free stuff.

Seriously, we can’t thank you guys enough for your love; your support; your encouragement and your help in sharing the new resources we are launching at RefineUs. You guys are amazing.

If you are just tuning in…we are launching two new resources in January:

MentorUs: A monthly membership program designed to move you from the marriage you have to the marriage you desire. (MentorUs membership is 25% off until December 31st)

CoachUs: An online coaching program designed to equip you to have the marriage God has in mind.(We still have a few spots open for registration)

Here are the winners and the prizes they won:

First Place: Kyle Whiteley- Amazon Kindle Fire

Second Place: Angie Combs-Free Marriage Coaching Session

Third Place: Daniel Peavey-Starbucks Gift Card

Congrats to each of our winners!

If you guys could email us your contact info so we can connect with you and get you your prizes that would be awesome!

Thanks again for being a part of the launch of CoachUs.

Yesterday was an amazing day. We launched our new CoachUs program by announcing that we’re giving away a bunch of stuff…including an Amazon Kindle Fire. You can still enter to win it! Thank you for helping us get the word out. (If you want to share this post too, we’d appreciate it!)

Today, we want to challenge some of you to take a step and register for our coaching program. We have a few openings left and maybe today is the day you choose to move from the marriage you have, to the marriage you truly desire. You don’t have to walk alone.

What we have found is that most people don’t need textbook answers, they need a partner in the journey. Our marriage coaches desire to walk with you as you seek to refine your marriage.

The cost of registration is $60. This includes $10 non-refundable registration fee and $50 for your first marriage coaching session. If you are not satisfied after your first session, you can cancel your coaching registration and not pay anything further. You will be billed monthly for subsequent coaching sessions.

After registering, each couple will receive an email from their Coach setting up their first online meeting. The program is a four-month commitment to meet via Skype one hour per month. Email correspondence on the off weeks for support and encouragement are common.

***Please know that every attempt to pair you with the coach of your choice will be made. Coaches are determined by availability and capacity. Click here for more info on our coaches.

I sat on the couch last night next to Trisha, fighting to stay awake while we watched TV. Six years ago this week I was fighting to stay married to her. She was fighting to forgive me for an affair. I was fighting to be honest. We were fighting to find a new start. We were fighting to pay bills. For the first time in our 10 year marriage, we were fighting for each other, not with each other. I would never choose the path we took, but I wouldn’t trade in the marriage we have for anything. It was worth the fight.

There are couples fighting right now as I type this. They are fighting with each other more than they are fighting for each other. They are fighting to stay married. They are fighting to believe there is hope for their marriage. They are fighting to make it through the holidays…to just get through Christmas. For a lot of couples, the finish line for their fight will be December 26, 2011. Then the fight will be over.

More people will file for divorce in January 2012 than every other month combined next year. For many couples right now…they are almost out of fight…they are ready to wave the white flag.

This summer, Trisha and I decided to fight harder. What if we could help more couples that are ready to throw in the towel? What if we could help more couples fight for each other in 2012 than we did in 2011? What if more families stayed together next year than split up? What if we could help husbands and wives that are hurting and wounded find healing and strength to fight? We knew we couldn’t fight alone.

From a business perspective, it makes no sense to launch a new initiative in December. But this isn’t about a business, it is about helping people during the most fragile time of the year. Now. Because NOW is the time to fight, now is the time to launch our new marriage coaching program, CoachUs.

We are honored to partner with with four amazing couples to be able to expand our coaching program for 2012. Each couple brings their own experience; their own passion; their own wisdom to RefineUs. Each coaching couple will also bring the heart of RefineUs to the couples and fight for them.

To kick off this new program, we are giving away some really cool stuff.  Here is what we’re giving away:

1. Amazon Kindle Fire ($199 value)

2. One Free Coaching Session ($50 value)

3. Starbucks Gift Card ($20 value)

How do you win?

First: Leave a comment telling us your name and marital status.

Second: Tweet or Facebook this- Enter to win a FREE Kindle Fire from @justindavis33 and RefineUs.org http://tinyurl.com/coachus

On Saturday, we’ll randomly select 3 winners.

More importantly, you will help us share this new resource with people who need help in their marriage…now. 

To find our more about our CoachUs program, CLICK HERE.

There is a litmus test in our marriage that has 100% accurate results. We can tell our marriage is drifting into mediocre when one word is used. As we speak at conferences and spend time coaching couples we hear this same word repeated over and over again. It is a small word, but one that carries the power to keep any marriage mediocre. That word is…… BUT.

• I know I have an anger problem…BUT
• I know I haven’t forgiven him…BUT
• It’s true that I occasionally look at porn…BUT
• I do use sex to manipulate my husband…BUT
• I haven’t been completely honest with my wife…BUT
• I invest more in my job than I do our marriage…BUT
• I am not where I need to be spiritually as a wife…BUT
• Yes, I’m chatting with my old boyfriend on Facebook…BUT
• I am a control freak with our money…BUT
• I make her feel guilty all the time…BUT
• I know I don’t stick to our budget…BUT
• I said I would change…BUT

There is a belief in all of us that we are a better spouse to our spouse than they are to us. That belief may not come to the surface every day, but it is driven out through conflict, hurt or difficult circumstances. That belief is expressed when we identify the role we play in our mediocre marriage and then deflect responsibility off of ourselves and onto our spouse. I know I have this problem, BUT she does this. I know I have this issue, BUT he does this.

We aren’t capable of changing our spouse so we use our spouse’s weaknesses or imperfections to justify our choices, behavior or character flaws. No one wins. You lose because you aren’t allowing God to change you. Your spouse loses because you are constantly keeping score of their mess-ups. Your marriage loses because it stays in a cycle of mediocrity.

Maybe today, you need to kick “but.” You need to identify the areas of your marriage you are trying to shift responsibility off of yourself and onto your spouse. What if you went to your spouse and just owned your brokenness? What if you said to them that you take responsibility for all of your flaws without brining up theirs? That is a game changer. That is you choosing to move beyond mediocre and give your marriage the chance to be extraordinary.

Do you struggle with BUT?

I remember the first time we sat the boys down in December 2005,  to talk to them about the timing of me moving back home. We had just come back from a counseling appointment and felt like the time was right to begin this conversation. Our boys were ages 9, 6 and 3 at the time so our youngest wasn’t a part of this conversation. It was the two older boys and Trisha and myself. At this point, all they knew were two things: dad thought he wanted to be married to someone else; mom and dad still love each other and want to stay married. They had no other context for our problems. I wanted them to undertand a bigger story; my whole story.

I started to share with the boys that when I moved back home some things were going to change. We weren’t going to watch the same TV shows that we watched before. We were going to watch a lot less TV, actually. I shared with them that God longs for us to think about good things; about things that are right; about things that are true; and that I struggled to think about good things and true things and pure things when I watched certain TV shows. I wanted my heart to be different, and in order for my heart to change some of the choices I made have to change.

I then told them that one of the things that I had been learning since Trisha and I separated was that when I was there age, a close friend of our family hurt me. They touched me in ways and in places that were not right. We explained that a little more and used it as an opportunity to ask them if anyone had ever tried to touch them in that way or make them do things that they weren’t comfortable doing. It was one of the most amazing discussions I’ve ever had…ever. The freedom that I felt to be fully myself in front of my family, I had never experienced before. Which is the third mistake I want to share with you today, and it’s not an easy one:

3. I assumed the best way to help my boys handle sexual temptation was to pretend like I didn’t experience it.

I honestly thought that if my kids thought I had conquered sexual temptation they would know they could too. I was never real with Trisha and never real with them. If I’m honest, my pretending had less to do with protecting them and more to do with with protecting myself. I didn’t want to admit struggle. I didn’t want to come face to face with my sin. I didn’t want to deal with my porn addiction.

This conversation with my 9 and 6 year old, was the first of many conversations. A few years ago, I started taking our boys through a book called Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle. It is a very uncomfortable book to read and even more uncomfortable to talk about with your son. But once I got over my pride and realized how much was in the balance for my boys, it got a lot easier. It has been a huge tool for us to have honest conversations in this area.

If you are making the same mistake I made in this area where do you start? Here are some suggestions.

1. Be honest with yourself in this area. 

2. Talk with your spouse about this.

3. Get the input from your pastor or a counselor.

4. Start having some honest and transparent conversations with your kids about sexual issues.

Here is what I know…just because I don’t have these conversations doesn’t mean their friends aren’t having them. I want to have as much influence in my boys life in this are as I possibly can. I want them to know as Christ-followers we are on this journey together and I am a safe place to talk, struggle, fail and find forgiveness…and so is our Heavenly Father.

If you’ve been married for any amount of time you probably have your list. There is a mental list that you accumulate and depending on the argument; depending on the hurt; depending on the harsh word that was spoken; it is a that continues to get longer and longer. It’s the list of all the reasons why your marriage isn’t working. All the reasons that the marriage you have isn’t the one you signed up for. You know that list?

-Why should you try, when your spouse won’t change?

-He doesn’t listen to anything you say

-She won’t get off of your back no matter how much effort you give

-He’s never home on time and when he is home he isn’t happy

-The lady at work seems to dig you more than your own wife

-All he ever thinks about is sex

-Every time you try to talk, it ends up in an argument

-Your boss believes in you more than your husband does

-You live in the same house but you are seldom on the same team

-She’s always keeping score and holding a grudge

-He takes you for granted and you constantly feel unapprecaited

-The romance is gone

-He’s never happy with how you spend the money

When we get married, we don’t intend to make a list. Our marriage is going to be different. We’ll be the ones that stay in love. We’ll not drift apart like other couples. Then life and careers and kids and finances and job changes and circumstances come against us day after day, week after week, year after year. We don’t intend to have a mediocre marriage it just kinda happens.

What if there was someone that could show you why it can work? What if there was a path you could take that wouldn’t solve all of your marital problems, but would give you direction on how to navigate them?

In January, we are launching a brand new resource called MentorUs. Our desire is to provide you with weekly guidance, Scripture and discussion that helps you create a new list…of why it will work. We’d love for you to be a part of it.

You can find more details HERE.

We want to be your biggest cheerleader and your greatest resource for having the marriage you’ve always dreamed of.

I (Justin) was sexually abused when I was a kid. I was sexually abused by more than one person. I told others that I was sexually abused and those individuals either didn’t believe me or felt like there was nothing they could do about my situation.

I don’t live in the past. I don’t relive the abuse. But I am affected by it. There are scars from it. Even if I had never experienced sexual abuse hearing some of the details of the alleged sexual abuse by Jerry Sandusky would make me sick. Being a victim of sexual abuse makes the details extremely hard to hear. My heart breaks for the kids, many of whom are adults  now that experienced the alleged sexual abuse.

My heart is also broken for Joe Paterno. He has spent the last 45 years building his name. He has spent the last 45 years obeying the NCAA rules. He recruited the best players within the confines of the regulations. He ran a clean program. He graduated players. He won the right way. He has spent the past 45 years building a program; building a culture; building a legacy. That all ended on November 9, 2011 when Joe Paterno was fired as Penn State’s head football coach.

Fired not for what he did, but for what he didn’t do. He didn’t do enough to lead. He didn’t do enough to protect. He didn’t do enough to speak up for those that weren’t strong enough to speak up for themselves.

This whole situation reminds me that everything we are building on this earth can be lost in a moment. It can be lost because of what we do. It can be lost because of what we choose not to do.

The reputation we work so hard to build. The people we bend over backwards to impress. The 401k we kill ourselves to grow. The possessions in which we find our value as we accumulate. We can work so hard to build all of it and yet lose it so quickly. 

Grace is the only thing that lasts. Grace is the only thing that transcends all of our earthly building. Grace is something we can’t accumulate; we can’t build; we can’t achieve. It is given freely. It costs Christ everything and yet is free for each of us.

It is something that took an eternity to build and is something we can never lose.

For that, I am truly grateful.

Trisha and I have been traveling a lot the past two months speaking at marriage events. We’ve been honored to see God work powerfully in the lives of so many couples. One thing has been consistent at every event we’ve been: a lot of marriages are struggling. I know there have been times, sometimes seasons of our marriage that it has been a flat out struggle.

Conversations are forced. Decisions are difficult. Synergy is missing. Arguments are frequent. Resentment is high. Intimacy is non-existent. Struggle moves from something we experience to something we learn to live with. Here are some reasons I’ve noticed over the past few months that marriages struggle:

1. Our commitment to change isn’t greater than our desire to change. 

Everyone wants to change. I have not met a person that didn’t indicate a desire to change. We all want to change. But when our commitment to change isn’t greater than our desire to change, we will stay the same. I want to lose weight. I’ve wanted to lose weight for five years. If losing weight was based on desire, I’d be at my high school weight…because I really, really want to. Losing weight is based on commitment, and my commitment hasn’t outweighed (pun intended) my desire, so my weight has gone up and down. If you want your marriage to change, you can’t just desire change, you have to be committed to it.

2. We want to be right more than we want to do what is right. 

Saturday night Trisha and I got into an argument about money. As we were arguing, my rationale and my position was clearly off base. I made no sense. But I was tired and I was not going to lose. My desire in that moment was to be right…I wasn’t backing down. So often in our marriage, we choose making our point or being right in an argument over doing what is right for our marriage: admitting being wrong; forgiving; asking for forgiveness. Our pride and our ego create more and more distance between us and our spouse. Maybe you are struggling because you always have to be right?

3.  When we are there, we aren’t really there. 

This one hurts as I type it. Maybe our marriage struggles because when we are with our spouse, we are really with our phone. Maybe our relationship with our kids is hurting right now because when we are home, we are really still at work. Being fully present when we have time with our family is the greatest gift we can give them. Turning off our phone in the evening. Eating dinner together. Going for a walk. Those are things that help when we are struggling.

4. We ask God to change our spouse more than we ask Him to change us. 

I know my marriage is struggling when I’m more concerned about what God needs to change in Trisha than I am in my own heart. When I begin to focus on all that is wrong with her; the things that get on my nerves; the things I wish God would change in her…I completely shut off the work that God longs to do in me. When I begin to pray for my Trisha and ask God to change me, there are times that He does change her. But He always changes my heart. He always answers that prayer. Maybe we are struggling in our marriage because we are really struggling in our relationship with God.

Struggle in any relationship is a given. Struggle doesn’t have be constant. God longs for you to have an incredible marriage. An incredible marriage isn’t something that we drift into, it is something we choose.

What would you add to this list?

Today’s guest post comes from Amy Bennett. Amy connected with RefineUs and has been a huge encouragement to us. She released a new e-book yesterday entitled, Entangled.

You can follow Amy on Twitter: @amyjbennett

You can find her blog and download her new e-book here: Permission to Peruse

“It’s just…”. We say this all the time to rationalize all kinds of things.  If you’re on a diet and you want dessert, you say, “It’s just one piece of cake.”  If you’re on an exercise plan and you don’t feel like going one day, you say, “It’s just one day, I can get back on track tomorrow.”  If you’re out with friends, you might say, “It’s just one drink.”  You see the picture.  Rarely is it just anything.  Those small things turn into habits and before you know it, you’ve blown any resolve you had at the start.

After saying “it’s just …” more times than I can count, six years ago I found myself in an emotional affair with a coworker. It started with something like “it’s just lunch with a friend.”  It quickly moved on to “it’s just a daydream; I’m allowed to daydream.” Before long, I was saying all kinds of “it’s just”s. “It’s just a poem.”  “It’s just a song.”  “It’s just a conversation.”  “It’s just lunch.”  “It’s just a text message.”
I didn’t wake up one day in an emotional affair.  The progression was paved with excuses and justifications.  We have to be viligent and aware of when we’re saying “it’s just …”.  It’s likely we’re on roads we never thought we’d travel.

I’d love to share more about my emotional affair and so many things God taught me through the healing of my marriage in my new eBook, Entangled.