Last night I was doing some reading and writing our weekly MentorUs resource and I came across this verse. It isn’t new, but it hit my heart in a brand new way:

Ephesians 5:21: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

That word submit gets a bad rap sometimes. We say it in our wedding and then resent it in our marriage. But the word submit simply means “to put someone else ahead of yourself.”

Your preference is more important than my preference.

Your desires more important than my desires.

Your wishes more important than my wishes.

You being right more important than me being right.

You are more important than me…that is submission.

God’s desire is that both people in a marriage make the other person more important than themselves.

Over the last week we’ve had several people email us or talk to us personally about pornography. How did I stop watching it? Do I have a desire to watch it? Am I still addicted to it? How did we overcome it?

What I’ve realized is what kept me in bondage to a sexual addiction wasn’t porn, it was pride. It was a lack of submission. My pride wouldn’t allow me to admit my problem. My pride wouldn’t allow me to seek help. My pride was more important than submitting to Christ or to my wife. My pride was bigger than my porn problem. My pride kept my porn problem big.

Pride is a cancer that will eat us alive.

What we have realized is that pride is the cause of so many issues. We meet with couples who are struggling in their marriage; Trisha talks to a friend that has been hurt by a friend…what it usually goes back to is pride.

Pride…

-It’s why you’re not satisfied with the house you live in

-It’s why you feel entitled to that job or that promotion

-It’s why you won’t say you’re sorry

-It’s why you talk to your wife like she’s a dog

-It’s why you pretend to be closer to God than you really are

-It’s why you spend money you don’t have to impress people you don’t even like

-It’s why you won’t forgive

-It’s why you don’t respect your husband

-It’s why you refuse to admit you’re wrong

Pride is probably our greatest hurdle to become the man or the woman that God created us to be. It is pride that is preventing you from asking for help. Pride longs to rob you, to cheat you, to convince you that life is best lived looking out for you.

It is a cancer that will one day take over your heart. The great news today is that pride’s defeat begins by recognizing its presence.

What area of your life is pride holding you hostage? 

I remember the first time we sat the boys down in December 2005,  to talk to them about the timing of me moving back home. We had just come back from a counseling appointment and felt like the time was right to begin this conversation. Our boys were ages 9, 6 and 3 at the time so our youngest wasn’t a part of this conversation. It was the two older boys and Trisha and myself. At this point, all they knew were two things: dad thought he wanted to be married to someone else; mom and dad still love each other and want to stay married. They had no other context for our problems. I wanted them to undertand a bigger story; my whole story.

I started to share with the boys that when I moved back home some things were going to change. We weren’t going to watch the same TV shows that we watched before. We were going to watch a lot less TV, actually. I shared with them that God longs for us to think about good things; about things that are right; about things that are true; and that I struggled to think about good things and true things and pure things when I watched certain TV shows. I wanted my heart to be different, and in order for my heart to change some of the choices I made have to change.

I then told them that one of the things that I had been learning since Trisha and I separated was that when I was there age, a close friend of our family hurt me. They touched me in ways and in places that were not right. We explained that a little more and used it as an opportunity to ask them if anyone had ever tried to touch them in that way or make them do things that they weren’t comfortable doing. It was one of the most amazing discussions I’ve ever had…ever. The freedom that I felt to be fully myself in front of my family, I had never experienced before. Which is the third mistake I want to share with you today, and it’s not an easy one:

3. I assumed the best way to help my boys handle sexual temptation was to pretend like I didn’t experience it.

I honestly thought that if my kids thought I had conquered sexual temptation they would know they could too. I was never real with Trisha and never real with them. If I’m honest, my pretending had less to do with protecting them and more to do with with protecting myself. I didn’t want to admit struggle. I didn’t want to come face to face with my sin. I didn’t want to deal with my porn addiction.

This conversation with my 9 and 6 year old, was the first of many conversations. A few years ago, I started taking our boys through a book called Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle. It is a very uncomfortable book to read and even more uncomfortable to talk about with your son. But once I got over my pride and realized how much was in the balance for my boys, it got a lot easier. It has been a huge tool for us to have honest conversations in this area.

If you are making the same mistake I made in this area where do you start? Here are some suggestions.

1. Be honest with yourself in this area. 

2. Talk with your spouse about this.

3. Get the input from your pastor or a counselor.

4. Start having some honest and transparent conversations with your kids about sexual issues.

Here is what I know…just because I don’t have these conversations doesn’t mean their friends aren’t having them. I want to have as much influence in my boys life in this are as I possibly can. I want them to know as Christ-followers we are on this journey together and I am a safe place to talk, struggle, fail and find forgiveness…and so is our Heavenly Father.

One of the most common questions we are asked is “How?”

• How did you overcome your struggle with pornography?
• How did you heal from sexual abuse?
• How did you forgive?
• How did you repair your marriage?
• How did you renew your relationship with God?
• How did you start over?
• How did you overcome?
• How did you find strength?

The answer to this question came as Trisha and I were speaking at a large church in Indianapolis and she said, “Justin is finally the man I always thought he was.” It didn’t hit me then, but over the past couple of years I have realized how profound that statement was.

What has allowed us to heal? Given me strength to not struggle with porn for six years? Allowed us to not just repair our marriage but recreate it?

I’m not pretending anymore. Trisha isn’t pretending anymore.

God won’t make us into what we are pretending to be.

We aren’t free because we pretend we aren’t in bondage

We aren’t strong because we pretend we have no weaknesses

We aren’t whole because we pretend we aren’t broken

We aren’t pure because we pretend we aren’t struggling with purity

Our marriage isn’t growing because we pretend like it’s healthy

We can’t forgive because we pretend we don’t hold grudges

We don’t live with joy because we pretend like we’re always happy

Transformation doesn’t come because we pretend we don’t need to change. Pretending is exhausting. Acting like you have it all together takes more effort than admitting you don’t.

How did I overcome porn? I didn’t. Christ overcame it after I admitted I couldn’t. How did we start over? By admitting we were at rock bottom. How did we find strength? By admitting we were weak.

Maybe we don’t experience life and life to its fullest not because of God’s ability or desire to give it, but because of our ability to pretend like we already have it.

Do you struggle with pretending things are better than they are?

Trisha and I have spent more time apart this summer than we have at any time since our separation five and a half years ago. I’d be lying if I said that it hasn’t brought up questions and concerns and conversations. I’ve been free from pornography for almost six years. It no longer has a grip on my heart. But neither of us are stupid either. I’m one choice away from compromising my integrity; my relationship with God; my marriage; my boys. I know that. A lot of people travel. So I thought it would be helpful to share with you some of the things we think through when we’re apart. (If you’re not married yet, most of these principles will apply as well.)

-Recognize I’m in a Battle

There is a battle for my heart. There is a battle for my mind. The Apostle Paul in the New Testament says that, “Satan prowls like a lion, seeking someone to devour.” For so many years, I took this for granted. Purity will not be easy…I will have to fight for it. When Trisha is gone, or when I’m traveling, I am conscious of the battle I’m in. I pray about it. I read Scriptures about it. Knowing you’re in a battle is half the fight.

-Guard my eyes and my heart

I’m pretty selective about the TV shows I watch and the movies I watch anyway. I am very conscious of this when Trisha and I are apart. I’m not trying to be all legalistic or old fogey…but the purity of my heart and the intimacy of my marriage is much more important to me than a TV show or movie. I know that the Enemy can use things I see to trip me up…so I dial up my awareness and my standard when Trisha and I are apart.

-Pray a powerful prayer

One of my favorite Scriptures is a prayer that David prayed, that I pray at least once per day when Trisha and I are in different places. The prayer I pray is, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” When I’m willing to pray this prayer, and truly mean it, I’m allowing God into all of my heart.

Trying not to lust doesn’t work. Trying not to look at pornography doesn’t work. Trying not to do something you know you shouldn’t do never gives you the results you want.

Engage in the battle.

Choose to guard your mind.

Allow God into the darker parts of your heart.

Purity is possible!  

How do you pursue purity when you’re away from your spouse?

I came to a crossroads almost six years ago that changed every aspect of my life and marriage. It was a decision to come out of hiding. The secret I had kept of my struggle with pornography had robbed me of so much in my life and marriage.

Over the past few weeks, I have met with and talked to several (more than 10) guys that have come to the same cross roads. They want something different in their relationship with God.  They want something different for themselves. They want something different in their marriage. They are tired of hiding.

Pornography doesn’t kill you all at once…it kills you a little at a time. It doesn’t suffocate your marriage all at once…it suffocates it a little at a time. Over time you begin to ask yourself questions like:

• Why are my wife and I so distant?
• Why are we not connecting?
• Why do we fight about so many little things?
• Why is our sex life not what either of us want or desire?
• Why are we always on each other’s nerves?
• Why do we not have a spiritual aspect to our marriage?

Pornography promises feelings of intimacy, then never delivers. Pornography causes you to give your mind and heart to something that God has designed for only your spouse to receive. Pornography is an intimacy assassin.

Based on my own journey and the journey of so many other people I’ve talked with, there are a few things you can do today to begin to find freedom from pornography:

1. Start Telling Yourself the Truth: If you struggle with porn, you have told yourself more than once, “I’m never doing that again.” “That was the last time I’m doing that.” When you tell yourself that you are going to quit and then you don’t, you have an addiction. Be honest with yourself. That is the first step to freedom.
2. Tell Someone Else: There is power in the bringing light into dark places. For most guys, and for myself, the power of shame and secrets had gripped my heart and I didn’t want anyone to know the truth about me. In fact, I had convinced myself that if anyone knew the truth about me, I would be judged and labeled for the rest of my life. In order to break the power this has on your heart, you have to tell someone.
3. Tell Your Spouse the Truth: At some point, there has to be a time when you tell your spouse the truth. This is so difficult, but essential. Intimacy in a marriage can only be as deep as the level of truth that is shared. Why a lot of marriages struggle in the area of intimacy is because of this struggle. It will be a very difficult conversation…but what you are keeping from your spouse is slowly causing your marriage to drift.
4. Find a counselor. If you are committed to telling yourself the truth, and telling your spouse the truth, you will need some help in walking in freedom. Counseling helped me find healing and wholeness for parts of my heart that I didn’t even know were broke. You and your spouse will need this.

I know not everyone reading this post today struggles with pornography. I also know that there are people reading this post that are hiding their struggle with pornography.

Freedom is possible.

I hope you choose it today.

There are people who you admire for their courage to be real. Then there are people whose courage inspires you to be real. Crystal Renaud is both. I admire her and I am inspired by her.

In her new book Dirty Girls Come Clean, Crystal courageously shares her story of pornography addiction, brokenness and recovery. She shares stories of authenticity and redemption from others as well. Her new book is a fresh voice into an area that has long been ignored and overlooked by the Church.

Her heart goes beyond a book. I admire her for her book, but her decision to quit her full time job at the church she had worked at for 7 years to start Dirty Girls Ministries is an inspiration. She has a heart to see women find healing and freedom from sexual addiction and she is trusting God in amazing ways to see that vision become a reality. She desires to not just write a book, but ignite a movement. We have an opportunity to partner with her in what God is doing through her book and ministry.

To celebrate the launch of her new book, we are going to be giving away 2 copies of Dirty Girls Come Clean. Here is how you enter to win:

1. Leave a comment below sharing the person (living or dead) that inspires you the most.
2. Tweet or Facebook this: Win a copy of @crystalrenaud ‘s new book Dirty Girls Come Clean from @justindavis33 http://bit.ly/dEBntG

On Friday, we will pick two winners and give away the free book. Who doesn’t like FREE!

If you have some time, check out Crystal’s Web Site and Follow her on Twitter.

It is amazing how God has used social media to introduce us to friends with a common mission and passion. Trisha and I met Crystal through Twitter and blogging. It didn’t take long to realize how passionate each of us were about helping people find freedom and hope. It is an honor to have Crystal share with us today about a very significant transition that she has made in her life recently.

Crystal is founder and executive director of Dirty Girls Ministries, a 501c3 non-profit ministry helping women struggling with pornography and sexual addiction. Founded in February 2009, the desire of Dirty Girls Ministries is to break through the stigmatic barriers that are keeping women in bondage to this addiction. Crystal has used the experience gained from her own 8-year pornography addiction to counsel hundreds of women as well as writes and speaks in various venues on the topic. Her book, Dirty Girls Come Clean (Moody Publishers) will release on April 1, 2011.

You can follower her on Twitter: @crystalrenaud

You can find her Blog: Dirty Girls Ministries

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How do I put into words something that doesn’t make sense on paper?

On January 3, 2011 I submitted my resignation from a job I’ve loved and have had for almost seven years . . . in order to pursue my own ministry as full-time Director of Dirty Girls Ministries.

While the decision to resign from my job this month catapults me into a huge life transition, I know that I have been “in transition” for quite some time as God has been preparing me for this new ministry.

When I started my job I had just turned 19 and was less than 6 months sober from an 8-year-long addiction to pornography. No one (except one person) even knew I had struggled in that capacity and I planned to keep it that way.

But a few years later, following the news of my former pastor & mentor’s infidelities, my eyes were opened to the sexual brokenness of those you’d never suspect. And I began to come to terms with my past as a sex addict and God’s desire to restore those lost years of my life.
No more hiding.

I would soon begin leading recovery groups for women with pornography and sexual addiction at my church. Just as a volunteer in our counseling department.

But over the last three years, God has given me glimpses into what it could be to do this ministry full-time. He did so by providing opportunities to shine and thrive in the role of ministry director.

These experiences led me to write a book (releasing in April) and establish Dirty Girls Ministries an official not-for-profit-ministry last Fall.

Not something I thought I’d ever do.

And yet with each opportunity, the more restless with my 9-5 life I became. And the more my heart fell deeper in the love with the new life of ministry God was ushering me into.

By day I was well-liked church communications girl. But on nights and weekends I was counselor, author, speaker . . . and utterly exhausted.

I knew resigning was an inevitable part of my near future. I knew this new ministry was my God-given passion and I could no longer be married to it and my day job.

And yet I cowered in fear and battled my pride for nearly a year.

About whether I was really hearing God right,

About what it would be like to quit my job and still go to church there after so long,

About how I’d be perceived for asking for donations not just for the ministry, but also in order for me to live day to day,

About where I’d go if I did quit but this whole ministry just fail right out of the gate.

ETC.

How was I supposed to just walk away with nothing?

The last time I resigned from a job, I didn’t care about it at all. My resignation letter was a post-it note with the word “adios” on it letting my boss know I was going on a mission trip to Mexico and I would be leaving the job.

But I was 18 and I was wreckless.

Now that I am a 26-year-old single woman—to walk away from a steady salary, retirement, life insurance, medical insurance (and a job I am really, really good at) to pursue a ministry with no real guarantees for success—doesn’t make sense.

In fact, it can appear just as wreckless.

Not to mention I don’t even have my own car right now.

But what does make sense is placing my trust in a sovereign God that since meeting Him 10 years ago. . . hasn’t let me down once.

3 weeks from today, for the first time in seven years, I will awake not as an employee of my church, but on day one of total dependence on God and others.

And while I am nervous about the unknown, I know He is there waiting for me to join Him.

It is scary. It is wonderful.

It is wonderfully scary.

I often wonder if we are just fooling ourselves in The Church. We say that we want “authentic community”. We say that we value transparency, honesty, being real and coming as you are. Yet almost every day,  I talk to Christians that have spent most of their Christian life being dishonest, fake, hiding, posing.

Why? Why do we say we desire for the Christian life to be about one thing yet live as though we can never attain it?

As I have talked to both men and women; single and married; divorced and remarried; there is a reluctance to live out what we say we believe.

I think there are two reasons for our reluctance.

-Lack of friends…real friends.

-We are afraid of being perceived as weak.

I get it. This was my life for 15 years.

I had a bunch of people I considered friends. I had a ton of people in my life that thought I was their friend.

They were my friends and I was their friend to the degree that I allowed the relationships to develop. But even though I had “close friends” I didn’t have one person I truly trusted with the darkest, most vulnerable parts of my life. I lived my life in loneliness and isolation…even from my wife. I preached about marriage. I taught on authentic community. But I never took the risk to actually develop it in my own life. I think we have grown accustomed to living this way and very few of us have true, authentic, deep friendships.

Secondly, if we do share these parts of our heart, people will think we are weak and incompetent as a Christian. I had a fear that if I admitted weakness, my friends would see me differently. If I admitted weakness the people in my church would lose respect for me. If I admitted weakness my wife would stop loving me. If I admitted weakness, then I wouldn’t be able to control the spiritual perception I had spent a lifetime building.

I feel God prompting me today to speak into your heart: You are not weak.

• Confessing your pornography addiction is not weak
• Admitting you have an eating disorder is not weak
• Asking for help as a parent is not weak
• Realizing your marriage is in trouble and seeking professional help is not weak
• Confessing hidden lust for a co-worker to your spouse before it becomes an affair is not weak
• Forgiving someone that betrayed you is not weak
• Telling the truth about your drinking problem is not weak
• Talking to a friend about sexual abuse you experienced as a kid is not weak

• Exposing the dark parts of your heart is not weak

Somewhere we bought into the lie in the church that walking with Christ means pretending like we have it more together than we really do.

I want to encourage you to step into the area of your life God is calling you to be vulnerable. You may have convinced yourself that asking for help, admitting sin, confessing struggles is a sign of weakness.

Actually that way of living is the most courageous way to live. You will experience God and His presence in ways you can’t imagine.

You are not weak.

When you grow up in church, there is really only one unpardonable sin. The Bible says that it is blasphemy, but in the church world I grew up in, it was adultery. When Trisha and I left ministry in 2005 due to my affair, I had no idea what the future held, but one thing I was sure of: God was done with me.

About a year after we left ministry, we came to Nashville to stay with our good friends, Pete and Brandi. They had journeyed with us through so much; coming to their house was a retreat in many ways. One afternoon, Pete and I sat and talked and he said something that I didn’t think was true, and had a hard time hearing. He said, “God isn’t through with you, yet.” Whatever.

Over the next three years, God began to do a work in Trisha and I and lay a burden on our heart for ministry. We began sharing our story, helping couples restore hope in their marriage. That is how RefineUs Ministries was started. But the passion we had for the local church began to burn white-hot again.

One year ago today, we had the honor of coming on staff at Cross Point. What an incredible year it has been. To see now what only God could have resurrected in our hearts, and in our ministry is unbelievable.

I’d like to share with you three things I’ve learned over the past year that may speak to your heart today.

1. It isn’t your past sins that disqualify you for ministry, it is the condition of your heart.

Here is what is wild: I was disqualified for ministry years before the affair started. The pattern of hiding and running and pretending and posturing existed in my life long before the affair manifested itself. Because things were going so well with my ministry, it was easier to hide my struggles.

Maybe some of you have given up on yourself because of mistakes you’ve made years ago. Can I share with you what Pete shared with me: “God isn’t finished with you yet.” God cares so much more about the condition of your heart than he does the mistakes of your past.

2. The gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. (Romans 11:29)

This verse doesn’t mean that the gifts and calling of God are beyond accountability or purity. But it does mean that just because you’ve made mistakes God doesn’t just rip away your giftedness and your calling. If He called you, and He gifted you, then He has plans for you. It took me a few years to believe this. But what I have seen is that the more I have sought brokenness the more opportunity He has given me to live out my calling. I get cautious when people desire the gifts of God more than they desire brokenness.

3. When giftedness outweighs character, implosion is on the horizon.

If you are a gifted person you will be given responsibility. If you are a gifted person, people will be drawn to you. If you spend more time developing your gifts than you do deepening your character, implosion isn’t a matter of IF, it is a matter of WHEN.

Giftedness is sexy. Giftedness is visible. Giftedness gets noticed; gains opportunity; gives you reputation. Character is often compromised so that giftedness can take center stage. As I have reentered ministry and been given more responsibility and more opportunities to teach and lead, I know that my character is the most important aspect of my ministry.

Maybe today, you feel like God is done with you. You’ve sinned beyond God’s ability to use you. You’ve messed up more than can ever be redeemed. Take it from this cheating pastor…

God isn’t done with you. God has plans for you. He is the God of the second chance.