We have been so blessed over the past few months to travel to several churches and share our Refine Our Marriage Seminar. We are excited to host this seminar on Friday April 29 and Saturday, April 30 at Cross Point Bellevue.

This is a Friday evening and Saturday morning event. We have seen God show up in powerful ways in people’s lives as we have shared this seminar together.

The schedule for the weekend is:

Friday Night:

6:00-6:30-Arrive and Registration

6:30-7:15-Session #1

7:30-8:15-Session #2

8:30 pm-Dismiss

Saturday:

8:00-8:30-Arrive

8:30-9:15-Session 3

9:30-10:15-Session 4

10:30-11:15-Session 5

11:30-12:15 Session 6

Here is the cool part…the cost is $35 PER COUPLE and child care will be provided for $5 per child or a maximum of $10 per family. You can register in two ways for this event. Email angie@crosspoint.tv or you can send a check for $35 with Refine Our Marriage in the memo to:

Cross Point Church

7669 HWY 70S.

Nashville, TN 37221

If you live in or around Nashville, we’d love to have you join us for this time together.

The reason we started blogging in February 2009 was to share our life and our story in hopes of helping others find hope and redemption. We just wanted God’s story told and glory given to Him.

In May 2009 we felt God leading us to start a non-profit ministry, RefineUs Ministries, to better equip people, pastors and the church in the area of marriage and marriage restoration. God again blew us away in how this ministry has grown.

Our commitment when we started the ministry was to keep the blog just that…our blog. There are no strings attached here. Our motivation is to share our hearts without condition.

The truth is our non-profit ministry  is growing. Our dreams are expanding. Our vision is clear and we need partners to help us grow this ministry. We don’t want to assume that all of our readers of RefineUs want to invest in our ministry.

But for those of you that would like more information about how you can help us restore hope and renew relationships all over the world we want to give you that opportunity.

If you would like more info about how to partner with us you can download our Year End Letter 2010.

Thank you for making this blog a place where truth is shared; hope is found and redemption is possible.

There are times that you choose to do things and you know the outcome. You know that certain choices aren’t big risks. Then there are decisions that are so risky that they scare you to death, because failure is a huge possibility.

Almost a year ago, we made a decision that was a definite risk,  but we felt like God wad leading us to make.

We started our Marriage Coaching program with four couples. They varied in age; in area of the country; in stage of life; in condition of their relationship. We had no idea what we were getting into. We had no idea if this would even work. We had no idea if each couple would benefit from it.

We have been blown away at how God has shown up. The couples that we have coached and the way that God had lead in each of these relationships has been so awesome. We know that our Marriage Coaching Program isn’t for everyone. We know that we can’t reach every single couple that is hurting or in need of help, but it has been so wonderful to walk along side of a few couples and see the tremendous growth and healing that has taken place in their lives over the past year.

You can read about how our Marriage Coaching Program works on our resource web site: Refine Our Marriage. Our friend Jenny said this about her and her husband’s experience:

Justin and Trisha came along at a crucial time in our marriage and were a HUGE answer to prayer. The insight my husband and I gained from just one session gave us hope, courage, and focus in a way that weeks spent in therapy had not accomplished. There is something very powerful about coming together “in Christ’s name” to create stronger, healthier, more God-centered relationships and Justin and Trisha really get this.

We are opening registration for January 2011, today. If you are interested in our marriage-coaching program you can check out more info at Refine Our Marriage; you can leave a comment and we will follow up with you; or you can actually register by clicking HERE. (scroll down to the bottom of the page).

If you’d like to help us get the word out about our resource site for couples, feel free to tweet this post or share it on Facebook. Our ministry exists to renew hope and restore relationships. By God’s grace and with your help, we are honored to be doing that.

If you’d like more info about Marriage Coaching, just leave a comment.

This past weekend, Trisha and I had the opportunity to partner with two churches. SunCrest Christian Church and Fox Valley Christian Church. We spent Friday night and all day Saturday teaching our Refine Our Marriage material at a marriage retreat for SunCrest. It was such an honor to share life with such great couples. God showed up in some very cool ways!

On Sunday, we had the honor of returning to a church where I served as youth pastor in 1997. They invited us back and we shared our story and journey over the past five years. As we were driving home on Sunday, I realized that in the context of teaching 10 different times throughout the weekend…God reminded me of some life-changing truths:

1. Everyone Has a Story

I was reminded as I listened to the couples we spent the weekend with and talked with couples after the service on Sunday that everyone has a story. Everyone has brokenness. Everyone has problems. Everyone is on a journey. So often, I assume that people are as healthy as they appear to be. So often I assume I’m as healthy as I appear to be. I can never know what someone might be going through by just looking at them. They have a story. We can get so used to our superficial Christian relationships that we fail to see the journey that others around us are on. This weekend was a vivid reminder that no matter where we are, no matter where we’ve been, we are all trying to find our way back to God.

2. Everyone Needs Hope

Both Trisha and I were blown away at how many people said that our story gave them hope. What I hear in that is how much God’s redemptive power gives hope.  My friend Pete said a couple of weeks ago in a message that “Hope is oxygen for our souls.” What I am reminded of is that no matter what you’ve done…there is hope. No matter how bad life is right now…there is hope. No matter how many mistakes you’ve made…there is hope. No matter how hopeless you might feel…there is hope. God often does his best work in what appear to be hopeless situations. There is hope.

3. Only GRACE has the power to change us

For years I tried to change. For years, I changed as much as I humanly could. What I discovered was my desire to change was always greater than my ability to change. Until I encountered grace. Not just the grace that gets me to heaven, but the grace that prepares me for heaven. When I hit rock bottom, and my only hope was grace…Jesus offered it.  A response of love is always greater than a response of obligation. Jesus said it like this, “He who has been forgiven of much, loves much.” When a person surrenders to grace, the Holy Spirit has the freedom to bring about change. I was reminded of that this weekend.

My encouragement to you today:

God is writing a story with your life. Don’t lose hope. Cling to grace.

Not just the grace to get you to heaven…but the grace to sustain you as you allow Christ to refine you.

Last night, I posted on Twitter a picture of the book we received Monday from the printer. Our friend Ali worked with us over the past few months to design this marriage conference resource. It isn’t as big of a deal as receiving your book from a publisher, but this little booklet is very special to us. This booklet represents a five year journey in our lives and marriage that can only be described as God-ordained.

Trisha and I had no vision for ministry. We had no idea that God would use something so destructive; something so painful and humiliating to provide hope and healing to others.

God in a miraculous way, took something that was meant for harm and hurt and brought about redemption and restoration.

Sharing our story for the first time in 2009 evolved to starting our blog. Our incredible RefineUs community (you) helped us see a vision for ministry again. We established RefineUs Ministries in June 2009. The response continued to grow and God continued to lead and that vision lead to RefineOurMarriage.com, in 2010.

We launched RefineOurMarriage.com in August in hopes of establishing a resource to help restore hope and renew relationships. Our desire is to reach and serve three audiences: spouses in crisis; marriages in process and pastors and churches in need.

We launched our Marriage Coaching program. We began to write content for Marriage Conferences. We opened our schedule up to pastors and spouses who were struggling and have no one to talk to, through OneDays. We agreed to speak at churches and church leadership conferences. God continues to lead in ways that blow our minds every single day.

This weekend we have the honor of partnering with SunCrest Christian Church and lead them in our Refine Our Marriage Retreat. Then on Sunday, we have the opportunity to share with Fox Valley Christian Church, in Batavia, IL. Trisha and I were on staff there in 1997 as their student pastor. We are so excited to be back with them on Sunday.

Why do I share this? Three reasons:

1. Thank you. Thank you to those of you that have been with us since February of 2009. We didn’t even know what a blog was when we started this deal. You have prayed for us. You have encouraged us. You have believed in what God was doing when we were doubting our ability to communicate. You have emailed our posts; retweeted us; shared on Facebook; become a fan of our ministry; been a partner with us through prayer. The couples that hear God’s story this weekend do so because of your faithfulness. Thank you!

2. We want to serve you. The reason we launched RefineOurMarriage.com was to provide resources. There are audio and video downloads. There are PDF downloads; there are several ways we are striving to restore hope and renew relationships. We want to be faithful to share what God has done and can do.

3. Be encouraged. Five years ago at this time, Trisha and I were separated. We didn’t live in the same house. We weren’t sure if our marriage would survive. God is bigger than our mistakes. He is bigger than our hurts. He is bigger than any destruction that may have wrecked your life. He has great plans for you. If He can restore our marriage and redeem us…he can do anything. Be encouraged. God is fighting for you even more than you are fighting for yourself. He has plans for you; plans to give you hope and a future. Live in that today.

We are so thankful for you. We are humbled to be on this journey with you. Please be praying for us this weekend as we share God’s desire and dream for marriage.

After Justin’s post yesterday, I wanted to  follow with this post today. We don’t always get this right, but these are 5 things that make a HUGE difference in our marriage. As I speak them into my husband, our love for one another grows. I hope they are helpful to you.

1. I’m in love with you

“I love you”. It’s a term of endearment that we seem to toss out to about every person we know. What I have found is that Justin needs to hear not only I love him but that I’m IN love with him.

2. I am for you and respect you.

Before Justin and I separated we were constantly putting each other down in public. Our need to prove the other wrong caused us to disrespect each other through our words and actions.

What we have now is a mutual respect. A respect that what each of us contributes to our relationship and family is equally important.  When I tell Justin I am for him and respect him he feels honored, empowered and encouraged.

3. I’m attracted to you.

As ladies we are constantly bombarded with how we should look. We find ourselves over analyzing what we look like or don’t look like. We convince ourselves that if we look a certain way then our husbands will stay attracted to us.

What I have found in my own marriage is my words go a long way. The power of our words are much more potent then we think. Our husbands crave to know we are attracted to them. In complimenting your husband you empower him to have the confidence to compliment you.

4. I appreciate you.

Regardless if you are a stay-at-home mom or a CEO of a Fortune 500 company your husband wants to know you appreciate him. In most of our husbands there is an innate desire to provide. It can weigh them down and skew their view that what they do really matters. Saying I appreciate you communicates the work you do DOES MATTER.

5. I want to make love to you.

“Blush” If we’re all honest this one should be number one. Physical intimacy is a gift from God. It is unique in its power to bring about connectedness for you and your husband. God has placed a desire in your husband’s heart to crave intimacy constantly.

We live in a society where sex has been diluted to an act that is sinful and selfish in nature. Many of us as wives have struggled to see sex in the purity God had intended. Sex is a beautiful act of deep connectedness that only YOU his wife can fill.

You have something unique to offer your husband. For most of us we battle giving 100% to everyone and everything else other than physical intimacy. I guarantee you that if you struggle with this in your marriage and speak these words to your husband… your marriage will change. I have found that as our physical intimacy is made a priority our emotional intimacy follows.

Are there any that you feel I’ve left out? (Guys, help us help YOU!)

As husbands, God has given us guys a responsibility to speak words of truth into our wife’s heart. Every day, there are lies of discouragement and doubt that the enemy tries to place in their mind. Our role is to come along side them; encourage them and remind them of truth.

Here are five things that I try (I don’t always get this right) to speak into Trisha’s heart sincerely and consistently.

1. I Love You

I am amazed at the power of these three words. Sometimes they are spoken in person, sometimes over the phone, sometimes in a text or a hand written card or note. I try to tell my wife I love her several times per day.

2. You are Beautiful

For our wives, a huge battle for them is their self-image. How they view themselves. I want my wife to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I think she is beautiful. I want her to hear me say it. I want her to see it in my eyes. I want her to go through her day believing that she is beautiful. I think she is, so I try to tell her as often as I can.

3. I’m Sorry

I hate conflict, so I used to apologize for everything. I don’t do that anymore. I have grown to see conflict in my relationship with Trisha as an opportunity to grow in intimacy with her. I embrace conflict. But, when I am wrong or when I have hurt her feelings, I say I’m sorry. Saying your sorry for consequences is different than saying your sorry for choices. I try to make sure I am at a place when I apologize, that I am sorry for my choice and not just the reaction or consequence of my choice. It makes all the difference.

4. I Believe In You

Our wives need to know that no matter what, we are their biggest cheerleader. It doesn’t matter if your wife is a stay at home mom or a CEO of a Fortune 500 company…she needs to know you believe in her. She needs to know that you support her and you have confidence in her.

5. How Can I Pray for You?

This is one that opens up rich conversation. This question implies I want to know my wife’s heart. When Trisha shares with me how I can pray for her, she is sharing with me those things that are closest and most precious to her…her fears; her insecurities; her imperfections; her frustrations. This question connects us on a spiritual and emotional level.

I don’t make a lot of guarantees here at RefineUs. Every couple is different and every marriage is different. But I guarantee that if you begin to speak these 5 things into your wife’s heart, your marriage will change. Your heart will grow. You will become more in tune to who your wife is and what her needs are. You will be God’s mouthpiece of truth into the heart of your wife. There isn’t much that is better than that!

What other statements would you add to the list? (Ladies, anything I’ve left off?)

One of the things that Trisha and I realized early on when we left ministry in 2005 is that we both suffered from The Messiah Complex. Wikipedia defines this as: A messiah complex is a state of mind in which the individual believes he/she is, or is destined to become, a savior.

This isn’t something you set out to suffer from as a pastor…but over the course of time, it creeps in. You begin to think if I’m not at this event, then it won’t be the same. If I don’t speak this weekend, then people won’t come back to church. If we don’t get together with this couple, then their marriage will fail. If we don’t have them over for dinner then they will stop serving. Before you know it, you are relying more on what YOU do in ministry than what GOD can do. Very slowly, you become the savior, you become the Messiah, your ministry is mostly dependent on you.

We totally lived this way, and didn’t even realize it until it was too late. As much as we suffered from the Messiah Complex in ministry, we suffered from what we call the Reverse Messiah Complex in our marriage. Justin and Trisha define RMC as: A state of mind in which a husband or wife places God like or Messiah sized expectations on their spouse. (This syndrome could apply to friendships as well).

What we realized when were separated, is that as we experienced loneliness,  anxiety, stress, fear, depression, insecurity or uncertainty, we looked to one another to save us. We each expected the other to fill a void in our life that only God is designed to fill. It was a lose/lose situation. The person that has the expectations is already hurting, and then they get hurt more as the spouse can’t meet their expectations. Then the spouse that fails to be the Messiah feels like a failure.

The results of RMC is a lot of resentment, a lack of trust and a loss of confidence. Here is our advice to you today for your marriage or for any relationship: If you are feeling unfulfilled in your marriage or in a friendship…if you are feeling resentful of your spouse or of a friend, ask yourself this question: Am I asking them to fill a role in my life or solve an issue in my life that only God can? Am I expecting them to be my Messiah?

This isn’t a “one and done” thing. This is an ongoing process to evaluate and navigate and talk. We still have conversations with one another to discuss our expectations and if they are fair to each other. But having this conversation will improve your marriage and your relationship with God.

Anyone else struggle with Reverse Messiah Complex?

When we started blogging last year, we were surprised at the response. We thought that a lot of people might struggle in their marriage; might have some issues with pornography; might have gone through an affair; might have difficulty forgiving, trusting or not controlling. We had no idea that so many people were hurting.

Emails began to pour in. People…hurting people needing hope, encouragement, and help. We would return emails. We would have conversations with people on the phone. We would meet with people in our home, on some occasions. The question we kept asking was, “Who is walking with them through this season?” Who knows the journey? Who’s walked the path? Who’s willing to track with them? Our emails weren’t sufficient. Our phone calls were inconsistent at best. There had to be a better way.

That is where the vision of Marriage Coaching was born. We knew that we couldn’t fix all marriages…but we knew that the road we have traveled is one that would be helpful to share.

The goal that we have for our Marriage Coaching program isn’t that we give couples all the answers or fix their marriage. We aren’t counselors or therapists. Our goal is to come along side couples and help them take the next step in their journey with Christ, and with each other.

What we have found is that most people don’t need textbook answers, they need a partner in the journey. We have learned over the past five years in our restoration and redemptive process that the journey looks different for everyone, but there are similar routes along the way.

Our hope is to walk with couples for a season to help bring hope, clarity, renewal and vision to the season that they are experiencing.

So we opened 4 opportunities for couples to meet with us over Skype 1 time per month, with email follow up through out the remaining month. The program is a 4-month commitment. It has gone really well. We have been able to encourage and coach and counsel 4 couples and help navigate the challenge of marriage.

We want to invite 4 more couples into our Marriage Coaching Program. You can read more about it on our resource web site: RefineOurMarriage.com. You can also read a testimonial from a couple that has participated with us in Marriage Coaching.

The new season of coaching will start the third week of September and end in December. We’d love to have you.

I have spent a lot of time on the computer lately. A.Lot.Of.Time.

Over the past few weeks, we have redesigned our blog; we launched a new resource web site: RefineOurMarriage; we are working on a book proposal; we are planning a marriage conference we are speaking at in Chicago in November…lots of hours on the computer. This is over and above the computer time I spend for my pastoral role at Cross Point.

My kids have noticed. Trisha has noticed. I have noticed. I keep telling myself it is a season. I keep telling myself normal is coming. Then I wonder have I redefined normal?

Last night, I came home with the goal of not looking at my phone or my computer until after the kids went to bed. We ate dinner together. We watched a movie. I checked homework. We tucked the kids in. At certain times I felt a sense of withdrawal…from email…from the blog…from Twitter.

As I was praying this morning, I felt God asking me… “Do you feel the same sense of withdrawal in our relationship?” When you don’t spend time with me; when you choose to engage in everything else other than me, do you feel withdrawal? Do you want to read my Word as much as email? Do you want to journal as much as write on your blog? Or is this your new normal?”

I guess today is a heart check day for me. It’s easy to write about things you’ve dealt with…harder to write about things you need to deal with.

I’m reminded today that it does me no good to have a vibrant ministry at Cross Point and a mediocre relationship with God. It is pointless to have a growing marriage ministry and a sucky marriage. It is not an option to be asked to speak at different places or to have finished a book proposal, if it comes at the cost of my relationship with my kids.

I love the ministry opportunities God, by His grace, has given me. But I don’t love them more than God. I don’t love them more than my wife. I don’t love them more than my kids.

I need my heart to hear what my head already knows.

Heart-check.