Oh, if learning from our mistakes was as easy as asking “miss-know-it all” Lucy for help!

One of the biggest mistakes I (Trisha) made in our marriage was in the area of physical intimacy. I went to sex education class in 7^th grade. Unfortunately, I made poor choices in high school that made sex education more than just a textbook. By the time I met and married Justin I brought enough baggage of sexual brokenness with me that I forgot what life was like without it.

We got married young. We had kids young. Most of our adult life Justin and I experienced numerous “first time” experiences together.  The poor guy had to experience what it was like to purchase feminine products for the first time after being married less than 24 hours!

Learning how to have a healthy sex life was no exception. We both came into our marriage broken but because we waited to have sex with each other until we got married, we honestly convinced ourselves that staying pure with each other would cover all sins. We were wrong.

I made the mistake of viewing physical intimacy as an afterthought rather than a foundational part of our relationship. Even worse, I eventually used it as a means to get back at Justin. It was my weapon.

When Justin came home late… again…

When Justin didn’t help around the house…

When Justin embarrassed me in front of our small group…

When Justin didn’t meet my expectations my response was to get back at him by refusing to be intimate with him.

When I think about it now, it’s a wonder that we didn’t self-destruct within the first couple years of marriage. It wasn’t until I almost lost my marriage that I finally realized how lost I was in understanding God’s purpose of sexually intimacy. I was on a mission to figure it out and what I found was a panoramic view of intimacy I had never seen before. The definition of intimacy is to be fully known. God calls us to be fully known by our spouse emotionally, spiritually and, yes, physically.

Read what 1 Corinthians 7:2-6 says:

“It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.”

I am often asked how was I able to be sexually intimate with Justin after the affair and his ten-year addiction to pornography when my view of sex was already so messed-up.  What I love about this passage is that it answers the question for me. Anyone can have sex-but intimacy comes with a price. You have to give more of yourself emotionally, lean into each other more spiritually and the end result is an intimate relationship that surpasses any person’s fantasy. Why? Because its not fantasy at all. Fantasy feels good in the beginning but in the end it leaves you empty. Pure, God centered, intimacy is long lasting.

This type of intimacy grows over time and leaves you constantly longing for each other and no one else. Not pornography… not another man or woman… Nothing. It truly becomes an act of serving each other in a way that no other relationship was meant to fill.

I love that! I can honestly say over the past seven years God has redeemed every single choice from our past and given us not only a healthy view of sex but rather a continued desire to serve each other “whether in bed or out”. Sex is no longer a tool for us to get what we want but rather a cherished gift from God in which to serve one another.

Did you have a clear understanding of sexual intimacy going into marriage?

In February 2009, Justin and I made the decision to begin writing about the destruction of our marriage. We launched our 8 Things that Destroyed Our Marriage Series, Valentines week. We had no idea that our blog would reach so many people, would lead us to start a non-profit ministry and would connect us with so many people from around the world. We just wanted to be faithful to share our story of hope and redemption…God has done the rest. We spend a lot of our time talking to couples who have had their marriage fall apart. They are broken, they are hurting, many are on life support and some don’t recover.

It’s hard to find the right balance between having a healthy marriage and a healthy ministry. There’s this constant battle to cheat one over the other. In the midst of this battle, there is usually one thing that puts us on opposite pages with our husband. The calendar can change. Our seasons of life can change, but this ONE THING remains in the middle of our relationship.

I’m excited to share today at Leading and Loving It. You can read the rest of this post and comment by CLICKING HERE.

The X Factor – “An unknown or hard-to-define influence; a factor with unknown or unforeseeable consequences.”

I would venture to say that the “X Factor” could easily be changed to the “seX Factor” in most marriages today. Sex seems to be the “unknown or hard-to-define influence” in our marital relationships.  I have had several conversations with women, regardless if they have been married 2 or 20 years, and most question the role sexual intimacy should play in their marriage. We know that men think about sex every 7 seconds, but do we really know why? Women (especially those who grew-up in the church) were taught not to talk about sex or have sex because God said so…end of story. Women hear of men struggling with pornography, lust, masturbation and affairs but most of us are ill equipped to know how to respond and so….

We chalk it up as the “X Factor” in our marriage and that we as women will never fully understand our husband’s sexual desires. We feel confused and ashamed and don’t know why we hate, resent or avoid sex. Worse yet, we do know why and the haunting memories of a bad sexual relationship in our past is too painful to get over. If you’re a guy reading this your probably shouting “you go girl, tell my wife sex is good”. If your a woman your probably saying “umm… duh? This is exactly how I feel so what?” One of the most profound principles we have discovered in our move away from destruction is:

Restoration Principle #4: Sexual intimacy, mutually offered, unleashes God’s full desire for your marriage.

Because Justin and I were not virgins coming into our marriage we thought we could somehow redeem our relationship if WE didn’t have sex before our wedding. I can honestly say we did refrain, but it didn’t fix or create a healthy road for sexual intimacy in future years. We were married for 4 months and I got pregnant. Not only was the area of sex new to me in my relationship with Justin, but being pregnant seemed to complicate things at a whole new level. During the first 10 years of our marriage, I found myself camped in the “I don’t really get you and your sex drive” and/or “you made me mad today so no sex for you”. The pattern went something like this… Justin would want to have sex… I wouldn’t… sometimes I gave in… most times I didn’t. If the baby was asleep, laundry done and the moon was aligned with Jupiter I would even offer it to him first.

Until the affair, I didn’t understand how God created both Justin and me for sexual intimacy. I assumed if he was wanting to go there after I spent the day “giving” to kids, laundry, friends and regular life events then he was just plain SELFISH! At some point in our relationship I permanently camped out in this mindset and found that not only did I not understand sex, I didn’t really care to.

Facts about the seX Factor: When a boy starts puberty his body will create sperm that will transfer to storage sacks that when are at capacity will naturally release from the body. I share this piece of information because this is an innocent process of change. There is no baggage or agenda, just a simple fact of nature. But somehow, what is natural and how God intended has become grossly misunderstood. And many of us have been left confused as to how to respond in our marriage relationship. This was a HUGE hurdle for Justin and I to jump over to really have the sexual intimacy God wanted for us. Men have a true PHYSICAL need for intimacy.

After Justin and I separated, not only was I leery of being friends with him, I was petrified of becoming lovers. I leaned on my old understanding of what I thought sex was while trying deal with the hurt Justin had caused. In the weeks that followed, God totally shattered those old thoughts and gave me a new view of sex. I love the way the Message paraphrases this scripture:

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (The Message) “Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.”

I learned that Justin wasn’t being selfish but had a true physical AND spiritual need that God would use to bring us close in a way that only this type of intimacy could. Justin also learned how my need for intimacy came through the expression of his words and his actions. Grace is freely given but trust is earned! As Justin slowly earned back my trust and I felt that he was repentant and willing to do whatever it took to grow in this area then, and ONLY then, could this journey move forward. We have learned to be on this journey TOGETHER and fight for it to no longer be the X Factor in our marriage but the catalyst for growth and development as a couple. Not only is Justin my best friend, he is my lover.

Our experience in moving from destruction to restoration has come from understanding and embracing this principle. Sexual intimacy is God’s gift to us as husband and wife to protect, satisfy and guard our relationship.

There are several people each week that contact us through our blog and ask us how to avoid having an affair. Some are newly married and don’t want make the same mistake I did. Some are on the verge of crossing some boundaries that they promised their spouse they would never cross. No matter where you are in your marriage today…these five things we believe will serve to affair-proof your marriage.

1.     Pursue God

I’ve never talked to anyone who has cheated on their spouse who has told me that their relationship with God was healthy when they had an affair. The truth is that your marriage will not be perfect. You will have problems. You will face temptation. But if you are pursuing God; His Word; His truth and allowing Him to form you and shape you, that is the best thing you can do to affair-proof your marriage.

2.     Pursue Your Spouse

It is hard to fall out of love with someone you are pursuing. It is difficult to lose interest in someone that you are prioritizing. Other people don’t look so attractive when you are setting aside time to pursue and date your spouse. Most couples lose interest in one another because they fail to spend time with one another. Sitting next to each other at your kid’s soccer game or a band concert doesn’t count. Date your spouse. Buy her flowers. Put perfume on before he gets home from work. Go out on a date that isn’t the movies. Talk. Laugh. Pursue.

3.     Don’t Fantasize About Someone Else

All sin starts in our mind. I’ve never heard anyone say, “I never thought about that, it just happened.” All sin starts as a thought. The Bible calls it temptation. Temptation is normal. Temptation is common. Temptation is something that you are guaranteed to face. Jesus experienced temptation. Temptation becomes sinful when it moves to fantasy. When you begin to fantasize about someone other than your spouse, you have already broken intimacy in your heart and mind with your husband or wife. It is why the Bible says to guard our hearts. It’s why the Bible says that what ever is pure and lovely and true…to think on those things. Affairs always start in our mind.

4.     Share Your Secrets

Every time we withhold truth from our spouse we create distance in our marriage. Oneness is how the Bible describes our marriage relationship. Secrets have no part of oneness. Secrets break oneness. The word intimacy means, “to be fully known.” When we don’t allow our spouse to fully know us, we compromise intimacy. I am not saying that keeping secrets from your spouse will cause you to have an affair. I am saying that not keeping secrets from your spouse will prevent you from having an affair. It is hard to for sin to grow in light. It is hard for deceit to grow in the context of authentic truth.

5.     Have Sex

Physical intimacy is a gift from God. It will not solve all of your marriage problems. But if you are committed to pursuing God; pursuing your spouse; keeping your mind and heart pure; sexual intimacy will strengthen the oneness in your relationship like nothing else can. Our culture uses sex to sell for a reason…it is a powerful force in our lives. It can and should be a powerful force in our marriages as well. (Guys, you can print this off and show it to your wife, after you’ve done #1 & #2 )

These are our five, what would you add to the list?

The X Factor – “An unknown or hard-to-define influence; a factor with unknown or unforeseeable consequences.”

I would venture to say that the “X Factor” could easily be changed to the “seX Factor” in most marriages today. Sex seems to be the “unknown or hard-to-define influence” in our marital relationships.  I have had several conversations with women, regardless if they have been married 2 or 20 years, and most question the role sexual intimacy should play in their marriage. We know that men think about sex every 7 seconds, but do we really know why? Women (especially those who grew-up in the church) were taught not to talk about sex or have sex because God said so…end of story. Women hear of men struggling with pornography, lust, masturbation and affairs but most of us are ill equipped to know how to respond and so….

We chalk it up as the “X Factor” in our marriage and that we as women will never fully understand our husband’s sexual desires. We feel confused and ashamed and don’t know why we hate, resent or avoid sex. Worse yet, we do know why and the haunting memories of a bad sexual relationship in our past is too painful to get over. If you’re a guy reading this your probably shouting “you go girl, tell my wife sex is good”. If your a woman your probably saying “umm… duh? This is exactly how I feel so what?” One of the most profound principles we have discovered in our move away from destruction is:

Restoration Principle #4: Sexual intimacy, mutually offered, unleashes God’s full desire for your marriage.

Because Justin and I were not virgins coming into our marriage we thought we could somehow redeem our relationship if WE didn’t have sex before our wedding. I can honestly say we did refrain, but it didn’t fix or create a healthy road for sexual intimacy in future years. We were married for 4 months and I got pregnant. Not only was the area of sex new to me in my relationship with Justin, but being pregnant seemed to complicate things at a whole new level. During the first 10 years of our marriage, I found myself camped in the “I don’t really get you and your sex drive” and/or “you made me mad today so no sex for you”. The pattern went something like this… Justin would want to have sex… I wouldn’t… sometimes I gave in… most times I didn’t. If the baby was asleep, laundry done and the moon was aligned with Jupiter I would even offer it to him first.

Until the affair, I didn’t understand how God created both Justin and me for sexual intimacy. I assumed if he was wanting to go there after I spent the day “giving” to kids, laundry, friends and regular life events then he was just plain SELFISH! At some point in our relationship I permanently camped out in this mindset and found that not only did I not understand sex, I didn’t really care to.

Facts about the seX Factor: When a boy starts puberty his body will create sperm that will transfer to storage sacks that when are at capacity will naturally release from the body. I share this piece of information because this is an innocent process of change. There is no baggage or agenda, just a simple fact of nature. But somehow, what is natural and how God intended has become grossly misunderstood. And many of us have been left confused as to how to respond in our marriage relationship. This was a HUGE hurdle for Justin and I to jump over to really have the sexual intimacy God wanted for us. Men have a true PHYSICAL need for intimacy.

After Justin and I separated, not only was I leery of being friends with him, I was petrified of becoming lovers. I leaned on my old understanding of what I thought sex was while trying deal with the hurt Justin had caused. In the weeks that followed, God totally shattered those old thoughts and gave me a new view of sex. I love the way the Message paraphrases this scripture:

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (The Message) “Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.”

I learned that Justin wasn’t being selfish but had a true physical AND spiritual need that God would use to bring us close in a way that only this type of intimacy could. Justin also learned how my need for intimacy came through the expression of his words and his actions. Grace is freely given but trust is earned! As Justin slowly earned back my trust and I felt that he was repentant and willing to do whatever it took to grow in this area then, and ONLY then, could this journey move forward. We have learned to be on this journey TOGETHER and fight for it to no longer be the X Factor in our marriage but the catalyst for growth and development as a couple. Not only is Justin my best friend, he is my lover.

Our experience in moving from destruction to restoration has come from understanding and embracing this principle. Sexual intimacy is God’s gift to us as husband and wife to protect, satisfy and guard our relationship.

Justin kicked off this mini-series the other day with his 5 Things. Today, I want to share with you 5 Things I wish I knew before we got married. We hope these things are helpful to you as you prepare for marriage or as you grow in your marriage.

1. Doing everything the “Right way” in MY marriage won’t fix all the brokenness of my past.

Justin and I got married young. For the most part we grew-up in homes that although were dysfunctional we were loved and our parents loved each other. My parents separated 2 years after I got married and soon after divorced. It rocked the foundation of everything I knew marriage to be. I was naive to the real struggles my parents were facing and had to come to terms with my own brokenness. This fueled a very unhealthy fire in me to do “everything right” in MY marriage so that NOTHING would go wrong.

2. Love is a choice not a feeling.

Have you ever looked at an elderly couple that still hold hands and look upon one another with complete endearment and wonder “how do I get that”? What I have learned is that love is not an emotion but rather a choice. Love is not about choosing each other but rather a daily choice to choose God. When I love Justin through my emotions and feelings alone I am left most of the time disappointed. But when I choose to love God and allow the Holy Spirit to prompt me in how to love Justin amazing intimacy takes place. The crazy kind of love that even in your old age makes you reach out for the hand of your spouse and with just a look communicate “I love you”.

3. Physical intimacy WILL BE CONFUSING!

Regardless if you knew a lot about sex going into your marriage or not its one of the most confusing parts of marriage. Sex is not just about attraction but a deep spiritual connection like nothing on the planet. It is as much as a physical need, as it is a spiritual need so why is it so hard to completely understand? Why is it that one seems to long for sex way more than the other? Why is that one seems to never long for it at all?

I wish I knew before Justin and I got married how a man’s body is designed. That sex is TRULY a physical need and not a selfish request. That sex is just as much about an emotional need as it is a physical need. But mostly I wish I understood the beauty and irreplaceable role sex plays in growing our marriage spiritually.

4. Doing it my way isn’t always the best way.

Justin and I were married for 4 months before I got pregnant with my son Micah. In fact, Micah was born 5 days after our 1-year anniversary. We were learning how to do life as a team of two and before we could figure that out we quickly became a team of 3! We both took claim of different areas of our marriage and decided that MY WAY was the BEST WAY. For us Justin held onto our finances with an iron fist and I was psycho baby momma that made sure Micah was taken care of the right way… MY WAY… at all times.

God has bought us together as a team not as opposing sides. We learned to trust each other and accepted how we each went about daily life. So I may have chosen to change Micah’s diaper sooner than Justin thought too. And maybe I didn’t balance the checkbook in a timely fashion as he did. In the end, those small details don’t matter! What matters is that we know that we are for each other and that we are always assuming the best of each other even when our best looks very different.

5. The difference between TRUST and FEAR.

Our story would lend one to think that I have a right to live in constant fear that Justin will have another affair. Or that Justin should fear that one day I would eventually leave him because of his choices. This type of fearful thinking is so destructive. Fear says that you will not survive the fall out of losing your spouse so live in suspicion so that you can catch him/her when she messes-up.

Trust says…

I am fully aware that in trusting I’m being vulnerable to being hurt (again).

Trust says…

“I am for you” and “I am thinking the best of you”… not the worst.

Trust says…

I’m gong to love my spouse with reckless abandonment just as Jesus did for me when he came as a baby and died on the cross.

Trust says…

I will love my spouse without fear but with hope that the Holy Spirit will guide me as to how to love my spouse.

Trust says…

“God I will love my spouse fearlessly thinking the best of them at all times” and “if my spouse chooses to leave me YOU will never leave me or forsake me.”

What would you add to my list?

Understanding WHY is imperative. One of the things we’ve learned over the past few years is that WHY we do things in our marriage matters more than WHAT we do.

There have been so many times in our marriage that I did something simply to get Trisha off my back. My motivation wasn’t one of love and service, it was to avoid a fight; it was to minimize conflict; it was to pacify her so I could throw it up to her later.

Doing the dishes; mowing the yard; even talking to her on the phone while I was at the office was done with a sense of obligation, and sometimes with a sense of manipulation.

From Trisha’s standpoint, there have been many times things were done out of duty and not out of love. Laundry has been folded. Meals have been cooked. Sex has been offered. House has been cleaned…many times out of obligation.

I haven’t stopped with obligation, I’ve been guilty of manipulation as well.  If I help clean the house tonight then I can go to the game on Friday night and not feel guilty. If I do the dishes then maybe we can be intimate. From Trisha’s standpoint, if I offer sex then maybe he won’t bother me about it for a while.

Our motivation for serving one another in marriage is huge. When we do something for our spouse out of obligation, guilt, fear, or to manipulate, what happens over time is resentment builds.

All of a sudden, you resent your wife when you mow the yard, because she doesn’t respect how hard you work all day. You resent your husband when he comes home and sits on the couch because he doesn’t appreciate all you do around the house. You resent your wife because when you do something for her, she doesn’t reciprocate with sexual intimacy. You resent your husband because he only does something nice for you when he wants to have sex.

There is a cycle that is created in a marriage that we often don’t recognize. Our need is to control our spouse. Our need is to get our way. Our need is to let the other person know just how much we bring to this marriage and how thankful they should be for us.

I constantly have to remind myself to check my motives. WHY am I doing this? Why am I cleaning out the car? Is it out of love and service to Trisha; or is it because I want something in return?

When we serve our spouse expecting something in return, we set ourselves up for disappointment and we plant the seed of resentment.

Maybe today you have anger toward your spouse and you can’t figure it out. Your fuse is short, and it takes very little for you to lose your temper. Maybe you haven’t asked WHY. WHY do you do the things you do? Maybe its out of fear or guilt or control…but it isn’t purely out of love, it will breed disappointment and resentment.

Are we the only ones that have focused on WHAT and not on WHY?

When Trisha and I separated, more than anything else I wanted to know why our marriage imploded. More than anything else I wanted to know how we grew so far apart. More than anything else I wanted to figure out what I could do to make sure that if our marriage survived, this would never happen again.

A lot of couples have communication problems. Their conversations center around schedules or kids or “how was work?” They have a difficult time talking with one another. When they were dating, they’d stay up late and talk and laugh and dream, but now they only talk when they fight. We had communication issues.

There are so many couples that have problems in their marriage because of finances. They’ve mismanaged their money. They’ve put themselves in debt. They’ve made irresponsible decisions. Sometimes it has nothing to do with bad decisions and everything to do with a small salary and a growing family. We had so many problems in our marriage that revolved around money…not enough of it…accumulating debt…not being on the same page. Lots of problems.

Some couples have priority issues. They fail to prioritize one another. They have no problem working their schedule around business meetings and girls night out and fantasy football and Saturday morning soccer and dinner with friends and PTO meetings…but they fail to prioritize their most important earthy relationship…their spouse. We blew it in this area. We gave so many people, so many events, so many expectations priority over the other.

We talk to couples that have difficulty resolving conflict. They argue about the same things week after week, month after month, year after year. One spouse is passive aggressive while the other is a hot head and loses their temper. One spouse is aggressive and chases while the other is an avoider and tries to sweep issues under the carpet. We did a horrible job at resolving conflict.

A lot of couples have intimacy issues. Sex is infrequent. The withholding of sex is used as punishment. Husbands pursue their wives only when they want sex. Sex is seen only as a physical act and not an emotional and spiritual gift. We had so many arguments that revolved around our lack of understanding of one another in the area of intimacy.

Even with all of these issues, they weren’t the source of our marital problems. They probably aren’t the source of yours either.

More than communication; more than finances; more than priorities; more than conflict resolution; even more than sex:

Your relationship with God will affect your relationship with your spouse more than ANYTHING else.

You can try to communicate better…for a while. You can try to not argue about money and debt and who’s paying what bill..for a while. You can do your best to make your wife a priority…for a while. You can read a self-help book on conflict resolution and argue more effectively…for a while. You can overcome your sexual frustrations…for a while.

What we have realized in our own life is that when our personal relationship with God is sucking wind…so does our marriage. We have spent so much time and energy trying to fix all of these things in our marriage…when more than anything else, our relationship with God sets the tone and direction for every single area of our marriage.

Do you agree or disagree?

The X Factor – “An unknown or hard-to-define influence; a factor with unknown or unforeseeable consequences.”

I (Trisha) would venture to say that the “X Factor” could easily be changed to the “seX Factor” in most marriages today. Sex seems to be the “unknown or hard-to-define influence” in our marital relationships.  I have had several conversations with women, regardless if they have been married 2 or 20 years, and most question the role sexual intimacy should play in their marriage. We know that men think about sex every 7 seconds, but do we really know why? Women (especially those who grew-up in the church) were taught not to talk about sex or have sex because God said so…end of story. Women hear of men struggling with pornography, lust, masturbation and affairs but most of us are ill equipped to know how to respond and so….

We chalk it up as the “X Factor” in our marriage and that we as women will never fully understand our husband’s sexual desires. We feel confused and ashamed and don’t know why we hate, resent or avoid sex. Worse yet, we do know why and the haunting memories of a bad sexual relationship in our past is too painful to get over. If you’re a guy reading this your probably shouting “you go girl, tell my wife sex is good”. If your a woman your probably saying “umm… duh? This is exactly how I feel so what?” One of the most profound principles we have discovered in our move away from destruction is:

Restoration Principle #4: Sexual intimacy, mutually offered, unleashes God’s full desire for your marriage.

Because Justin and I were not virgins coming into our marriage we thought we could somehow redeem our relationship if WE didn’t have sex before our wedding. I can honestly say we did refrain, but it didn’t fix or create a healthy road for sexual intimacy in future years. We were married for 4 months and I got pregnant. Not only was the area of sex new to me in my relationship with Justin, but being pregnant seemed to complicate things at a whole new level. During the first 10 years of our marriage, I found myself camped in the “I don’t really get you and your sex drive” and/or “you made me mad today so no sex for you”. The pattern went something like this… Justin would want to have sex… I wouldn’t… sometimes I gave in… most times I didn’t. If the baby was asleep, laundry done and the moon was aligned with Jupiter I would even offer it to him first.

Until the affair, I didn’t understand how God created both Justin and me for sexual intimacy. I assumed if he was wanting to go there after I spent the day “giving” to kids, laundry, friends and regular life events then he was just plain SELFISH! At some point in our relationship I permanently camped out in this mindset and found that not only did I not understand sex, I didn’t really care to.

Facts about the seX Factor: When a boy starts puberty his body will create sperm that will transfer to storage sacks that when are at capacity will naturally release from the body. I share this piece of information because this is an innocent process of change. There is no baggage or agenda, just a simple fact of nature. But somehow, what is natural and how God intended has become grossly misunderstood. And many of us have been left confused as to how to respond in our marriage relationship. This was a HUGE hurdle for Justin and I to jump over to really have the sexual intimacy God wanted for us. Men have a true PHYSICAL need for intimacy.

After Justin and I separated, not only was I leery of being friends with him, I was petrified of becoming lovers. I leaned on my old understanding of what I thought sex was while trying deal with the hurt Justin had caused. In the weeks that followed, God totally shattered those old thoughts and gave me a new view of sex. I love the way the Message paraphrases this scripture:

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (The Message) “Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.”

I learned that Justin wasn’t being selfish but had a true physical AND spiritual need that God would use to bring us close in a way that only this type of intimacy could. Justin also learned how my need for intimacy came through the expression of his words and his actions. Grace is freely given but trust is earned! As Justin slowly earned back my trust and I felt that he was repentant and willing to do whatever it took to grow in this area then, and ONLY then, could this journey move forward. We have learned to be on this journey TOGETHER and fight for it to no longer be the X Factor in our marriage but the catalyst for growth and development as a couple. Not only is Justin my best friend, he is my lover.

Our experience in moving from destruction to restoration has come from understanding and embracing this principle. Sexual intimacy is God’s gift to us as husband and wife to protect, satisfy and guard our relationship.

I have had several conversations with women, regardless if they have been married 2 or 20 years, and most question the role sexual intimacy should play in their marriage. We know that men think about sex every 7 seconds, but do we really know why? Women (especially those who grew-up in the church) were taught not to talk about sex or have sex because God said so…end of story. Women hear of men struggling with pornography, lust, masturbation and affairs but most of us are ill equipped to know how to respond and so….

I am guest posting for my friend Jenny so jump over to her blog to READ MORE OF THIS POST.