Our story would lend one to think that I have a right to live in constant fear that Justin will have another affair.

Or that Justin should fear that one day I would eventually leave him because of his choices.

This type of fearful thinking is so destructive. There is no doubt that trust had to be re-earned…but at some point for our relationship to move forward, trust had to overtake fear.

Fear says that you will not survive the fall out of losing your spouse so live in suspicion so that you can catch him/her when she messes-up.

Fear robs. Fear steals. Fear destroys. Fear causes us to control; to manipulate; to be suspecious.

Trust says…

I am fully aware that in trusting I’m being vulnerable to being hurt (again).

Trust says…

“I am for you” and “I am thinking the best of you”… not the worst.

Trust says…

I’m gong to love my spouse with reckless abandonment just as Jesus did for me when he died on the cross.

Trust says…

I will love my spouse without fear but with hope that the Holy Spirit will guide me as to how to love my spouse.

Trust says…

“God I will love my spouse fearlessly thinking the best of them at all times” and “if my spouse fails me YOU will never leave me or forsake me.”

Maybe you’re trying to accomplish through fear what can only be accomplished through trust.

Maybe the distance between the marriage you have and the marriage you truly desire is found in the difference in you being fearful or you trusting.

We spent most of the first ten years of our marriage walking on eggshells. Careful not to say something that would start an argument. Trying to make sure I jumped through the right hoops so that I could prove what a good husband I was. Trisha nervous about spending money or burning dinner or the house not being clean enough. Our goal was conflict avoidance.

We are such different people now, that I rarely think about those days. But last week, I was reminded of our eggshell walking days. Trisha and I were talking on the phone when I was in California. It was in that moment I realized a freedom that I hadn’t noticed before.

In the past, anytime I traveled I felt guilty. I felt like I had to prove to her how thankful I was that I was on a church trip. I had to prove how grateful I was that she was home with the kids. I had to not share with her if I had a great day or heard a great speaker or experienced God at a conference I was attending. I always knew I had a lot to prove, as Trisha would make me prove it.

I would get home and she would have to prove to me how hard she worked. She would prove to me how much she deserved a break from the kids. She would have to keep score so I would know how little sleep she got or how out of control the boys were or how much money she saved grocery shopping. She knew she had a lot to prove, as I would make her prove it.

Last week as I traveled, I didn’t walk on eggshells. Trisha wasn’t holding me hostage for being away from home. She wasn’t heaping guilt for the boys schedule or the dog not sleeping or the homework she had to help them complete.

I realized:

• I don’t have to prove I’m thankful

• I don’t have to prove I deserve this

• I don’t have to prove how much I miss her and the boys

That feeling changed everything. I didn’t walk around worried about coming home. I didn’t worry about getting a guilt trip for being gone. I didn’t think “I’m going to have to make this up to her.” There was such freedom in that.

Even though I wasn’t home, Trisha knew that I would rather be with her than anywhere else, and that made the difference.

What if your wife didn’t have to prove herself to you? How much could that change your relationship? What if your husband wasn’t always walking on eggshells worried about the guilt trip you have planned for him? How could that change your relationship?

What if the person you love the most was fully trusted by you and didn’t have to prove themselves?

That could be a game changer…it has been for us.

Do you struggle with making your spouse prove themselves?

There are certain encounters and friendships that you just know are God-ordained. Our relationship with Brian and Jenni Clayville is that type of friendship. Trisha and I met Brian and Jenni at the Exponential Conference almost two years ago. Since then, God has grown our friendship and allowed Brian and Jenni to encourage our heart and speak life into our vision for RefineUs. We are honored to have them as friends and are so very proud of them for the step of faith they are just days away from taking. To find our more about their TRANSITION…go here. Their story will inspire you and challenge you to trust God for more.

You can find their blogs here: Brian Clayville Jenni Clayville

You can follow them on Twitter: @brianclayville @jclayville

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My first 20 years of life was spent under a roof of overbearing control and dysfunction. I learned if I could level out the flux of change, I was better off. The more my surroundings stayed constant, the better I could deal with the unexpected. The more I prepared my harness of control, the less the eggshells would crack under my feet.

I learned CHANGE would hurt me. Change was bad.

So I lived my safe Christian life. I thought if I stayed safe, I could protect my heart and keep it from being trampled on. I kept my heart from everything. From my husband… and even from God. The only thing I fought for was control. Man, was I feisty when it came to control. And it worked… until I lost ALL control and broke myself.

Something crazy/amazing/painful/exhilarating happens when you transition from being broken by other people to breaking yourself. If you’re being completely honest, your heart transitions from allowing yourself to make excuses to having nowhere… and no one left to blame.

The next year was a huge transition. Brian and I went through every.possible.emotion. Emotions I had worked my whole life to avoid. It was exhausting… but in hindsight… needed and SO good. It was the first time I looked at “change” and “transition” as a positive thing. This revelation changed everything in my life.

Brian and I started praying differently. For most of my life, though I claimed to be a Christ follower, what I was really telling God was to follow ME. God was another bystander. So our prayer changed. We prayed for Him to LEAD because the way we had lead our own lives up to this point didn’t work. We were finally submitting ourselves to really follow whenever and however He called.

Apparently this was a dangerous prayer.

Within a year, our world seemed to unravel at the seams: Brian lost multiple jobs (strange for a guy who was consistent in the financial industry for 10 years). I was let go from my job as a Worship Pastor at a local church plant in Portland. That church shut down soon after that. Our youngest son went through a medical scare and in the process, racked up the most ridiculous medical bills I have ever seen. Change was constant and transition was a promise. It seemed as if the world had it out for us. However… during this time, though we had plenty to be concerned about, we had an overwhelming peace surrounding us.

You see, all of this had to happen in order for God to prep us for our next calling. Our lives as we had known it had to unravel in order for God to weave it into His NEW creation.

In October, we accepted the call to a new adventure… 1,700 miles away from family, friends and the place we’ve called home.

Within the last five years, I’ve gone from living a safe life of comfort, predictability with no transitions to a very challenging, uncomfortable, unpredictable and transitional life. Everything in our lives (housing, finances, prayer, etc.) now depends on God and on others He places in our path.

For awhile, I fought it. What else is an OCD planning type supposed to do? All I knew was how to control my surroundings. But THIS was completely out of my control. And finally… I just let it go. God called. We answered. And we are choosing to obey no matter the cost.

And though the cost is great… the blessings in return are greater. My marriage has never been better. Our family dynamics this last year has given me more joy and laughter than the combination of the first 30 years of my life. My community is constant and reliable. And the peace… oh the PEACE. Incomparable.

So you see, CHANGE is no longer a bad thing for me. It’s what brings me peace. The change we avoid in fear is what transitions us into glory. It’s gonna hurt like hell… but the beauty and freedom in brings after the unravelling is done is completely worth it (coming from the one who’s STILL transitioning). In order to have CHANGE in your life, you must be willing to transition.

So… are you?

Are you one of those people that at an early age just knew what you wanted to do with your life? Our guest blogger today is one of those people. Alece at the tender age of 19 got a one-way ticket to Africa and never looked back. Over the next decade she would fall in love with a South African man, get married and together build an amazing ministry that would impact thousands!

But what happens when the life you’ve always dreamed of and are living comes to a crushing end? How do transition from the life you once knew to the new reality of the life your living now? I don’t think Alece really knows the answers to those questions. She is in the midst of her transition.

BUT THIS IS WHY IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO READ WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY…

It’s always easier to share your struggle after you’re sober, or healed or reconciled. Christians so often rob one another the time and space to grieve and fight through the heart aches of life.  I’m so proud of Alece for trusting each of you with her heart today. There is no pretty bow to wrap around her story although I (Trisha) desperately want one for her. Rather, her’s is a declaration of trusting God in the midst of the pain. Sometimes simply choosing to trust HIM is the win.

You can read Alece’s Blog Here: Grit And Glory

You can follow her on Twitter: @gritandglory

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Something’s Gotta Give

Two years ago, when my husband confessed to an 18-month affair, I didn’t think things could get any worse.

And then he filed for divorce.

And I had to close the ministry I launched 13 years ago.

And I had to give up my home, my car, almost all my possessions, and move back to America. Where I currently am living out of a suitcase, in people’s guest rooms, with no income and no plan.

I’d say Transition has slapped me around pretty good.

And, being the bully that he is, Transition won’t leave me alone.

Change is my only constant. And I’ve gotta be honest…

I hate it.

It makes me want to scream. It makes me cry ugly tears. It makes me want to cuss.

I’ve lost so much to unrelenting Transition.

And — sigh — I don’t think I’ve handled it very well. I haven’t carried myself very gracefully through these changes.

I’m pretty sure I allowed Transition to steal my faith, hope, and joy along with everything else.

Something’s gotta give…

I ended 2010 so ready to kick the year to the curb. But at the stroke of midnight, things didn’t miraculously change.

And now, I find myself looking around, wondering where’s the “new” in the new year. Everything’s still the same. Only the calendar’s different.

Transition’s still taking a wrecking ball to my life. Hope still seems scarce. Tears I didn’t know I had left, keep coming. The hard days continue.

And I know they will.

So I made the decision to look for God’s hand in the midst of the hard.

My eyes have been blindfolded by Transition for too long.

I want to actively search for God in my brokenness. Seek out His beauty in my pile of ashes. Face the continual tide of change on my tip-toes, looking for God where I haven’t seen Him before.

I haven’t quite mustered up the strength to steal back my faith, hope, and joy. But I’m at least going to start looking for them. Which is more than I’ve done in a long time.

I can’t stop change from coming. I cannot.

But I can choose to remember that He holds my ever-changing life in His never-changing hand.

Take that, Transition.

It is amazing how God has used social media to introduce us to friends with a common mission and passion. Trisha and I met Crystal through Twitter and blogging. It didn’t take long to realize how passionate each of us were about helping people find freedom and hope. It is an honor to have Crystal share with us today about a very significant transition that she has made in her life recently.

Crystal is founder and executive director of Dirty Girls Ministries, a 501c3 non-profit ministry helping women struggling with pornography and sexual addiction. Founded in February 2009, the desire of Dirty Girls Ministries is to break through the stigmatic barriers that are keeping women in bondage to this addiction. Crystal has used the experience gained from her own 8-year pornography addiction to counsel hundreds of women as well as writes and speaks in various venues on the topic. Her book, Dirty Girls Come Clean (Moody Publishers) will release on April 1, 2011.

You can follower her on Twitter: @crystalrenaud

You can find her Blog: Dirty Girls Ministries

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How do I put into words something that doesn’t make sense on paper?

On January 3, 2011 I submitted my resignation from a job I’ve loved and have had for almost seven years . . . in order to pursue my own ministry as full-time Director of Dirty Girls Ministries.

While the decision to resign from my job this month catapults me into a huge life transition, I know that I have been “in transition” for quite some time as God has been preparing me for this new ministry.

When I started my job I had just turned 19 and was less than 6 months sober from an 8-year-long addiction to pornography. No one (except one person) even knew I had struggled in that capacity and I planned to keep it that way.

But a few years later, following the news of my former pastor & mentor’s infidelities, my eyes were opened to the sexual brokenness of those you’d never suspect. And I began to come to terms with my past as a sex addict and God’s desire to restore those lost years of my life.
No more hiding.

I would soon begin leading recovery groups for women with pornography and sexual addiction at my church. Just as a volunteer in our counseling department.

But over the last three years, God has given me glimpses into what it could be to do this ministry full-time. He did so by providing opportunities to shine and thrive in the role of ministry director.

These experiences led me to write a book (releasing in April) and establish Dirty Girls Ministries an official not-for-profit-ministry last Fall.

Not something I thought I’d ever do.

And yet with each opportunity, the more restless with my 9-5 life I became. And the more my heart fell deeper in the love with the new life of ministry God was ushering me into.

By day I was well-liked church communications girl. But on nights and weekends I was counselor, author, speaker . . . and utterly exhausted.

I knew resigning was an inevitable part of my near future. I knew this new ministry was my God-given passion and I could no longer be married to it and my day job.

And yet I cowered in fear and battled my pride for nearly a year.

About whether I was really hearing God right,

About what it would be like to quit my job and still go to church there after so long,

About how I’d be perceived for asking for donations not just for the ministry, but also in order for me to live day to day,

About where I’d go if I did quit but this whole ministry just fail right out of the gate.

ETC.

How was I supposed to just walk away with nothing?

The last time I resigned from a job, I didn’t care about it at all. My resignation letter was a post-it note with the word “adios” on it letting my boss know I was going on a mission trip to Mexico and I would be leaving the job.

But I was 18 and I was wreckless.

Now that I am a 26-year-old single woman—to walk away from a steady salary, retirement, life insurance, medical insurance (and a job I am really, really good at) to pursue a ministry with no real guarantees for success—doesn’t make sense.

In fact, it can appear just as wreckless.

Not to mention I don’t even have my own car right now.

But what does make sense is placing my trust in a sovereign God that since meeting Him 10 years ago. . . hasn’t let me down once.

3 weeks from today, for the first time in seven years, I will awake not as an employee of my church, but on day one of total dependence on God and others.

And while I am nervous about the unknown, I know He is there waiting for me to join Him.

It is scary. It is wonderful.

It is wonderfully scary.

Two nights ago, our son Micah asked us something he’d never asked before. He asked if he could write a post for our blog. We were honored. He knew that we were writing about transitions this week and felt like God laid something on his heart to say. When he showed it to us, we were blown away with not only how good it is, but also, how we struggle with the same thing he struggles with. Our circumstances our different, but our emotions are the same. If you could do this mom and dad a favor and give our son, Micah some Blog Love today, we’d appreciate it. And, God may just speak to your heart through him.

Hi, my name is Micah Davis. I am the oldest of Justin and Trisha’s three boys. During the past week my parents have been talking about life transitions and how those can affect peoples lives.

In a few months I will be enduring one the largest, scariest, and nerve wracking transitions in my life so far.

High School.

I am 14 years old, as you may know my mother had me one year and five days after they got married.  We have moved a total of fourteen times in our life together and each one has been just as hard for different reasons as the rest. Nothing in my life though, can compare to the uneasiness I have about High School. I have so many unanswered questions and so many unopened doors that I need to open that I feel God just isn’t showing me right now.

Down in Tennessee private school is a big deal. Nashville has the largest private High School per-capita ratio in the country. That means that most of my friends that I have made in the past two years will be splitting up with one another.  It’s something I don’t really think about though. It just seems like another way of life for all of us. You learn to get use to it.

God has done some miraculous things in my life and, looking back, I know he did them for a reason. Like I mentioned before, we have moved fourteen times in our family’s existence. What has that done? Prepared me to let go of the old and get ready for the new. What about the people who have told me I can’t do it? Or the people who said your not good enough? Those people just made me want to prove them wrong and it helped build my character. And what about the biggest transition to date? Getting held back in the seventh grade. That just built my maturity, and gave me one more year to work on my studies, basketball, and my relationship with God. Not to mention, my parents most important thing, one more year at home.

Just thinking about High School makes me sick to my stomach. I am nearly half a year away from it and I am already nervous about it. I have never been so excited yet so nervous in my life. It’s a journey I am so ready to start! Yet, middle school seems so much more comfortable to me.

But that’s something that transitions are about, stepping out of your comfort zone…and I am.

Is there a transition that God is calling you to make that is outside your comfort zone?

I remember a statement that Trisha said to me five years ago like it was yesterday, “I forgive you, but I don’t trust you.”

It is impossible to earn forgiveness. Forgiveness, if it is authentic, is unconditional. Forgiveness is as much for you, the person that is offering it, as it is for the recipient. Trust is something completely different.

Trust has to be earned. Trust is a sequence of relational deposits, made with an authentic heart. Trust is the basis for intimacy. You can’t build a relationship in the absence of trust.

We know a lot of people that struggle with trust. Distance defines their relationship. Fear dominates their emotions. Worst-case scenarios flood their mind.  Suspicion and accusation lead most conversations.

A few questions we’ve had to ask as it relates to this area:

-Am I confusing forgiveness (unconditional) with trust (conditional)?

-Is my lack of trust based on my past, my insecurities, my fear or my worries?

-Are the trust issues in this relationship based on broken trust by the other person? If so, do you have a plan to restore trust? Is it reasonable, attainable and have a timeframe?

-Is the person you have trouble trusting aware of your struggle or do they just experience the symptoms of your struggle?

-Are you creating a self-fulfilling prophesy by not trusting someone who is actually trustworthy?

For us, these questions have not been asked just once in the last five years. They have been asked hundreds of times since the affair. We are committed to intimacy in our marriage. There is so much that erodes intimacy…a lack of trust is the most dangerous.

Hopefully, if you struggle with trust in a friendship; with a family member or spouse these questions will help you re-discover trust and in the process find intimacy.

What are your thoughts?

It is a story we tell a lot.

In 2002, we sold everything we owned. We stepped out in faith, and we moved to a town where we knew 4 people. We had a vision to start a church for people who didn’t go to church. And God showed up. Over the next three years, over 700 people would come call Genesis Church their home.

It is a great story. It is a story we’ve been telling for eight years. It is a story I have shared with pride. Not pride in myself as much as being proud to talk about all that God is capable of if we will just trust him.

Then, I went to Catalyst 2010, and heard Francis Chan’s talk. It is a talk that keeps playing over and over in my mind. You can watch a few minutes of it here:

Catalyst East 2010: Francis Chan from Catalyst on Vimeo.

The question I ask myself after watching that is why is my story eight years old?

I want my life to be littered with stories of faith, not just an event that I keep going back to. It seems to me that my journey with Jesus should be a series of cashing out, stepping out, trusting, being uncertain and then watching God supernaturally come through.

I want my kids to think its normal to risk everything. I want them to have memories of thinking I was crazy for how much we sacrificed; how much we gave up; how much we trusted; and how powerfully God showed up.

Instead, I find myself talking about the good ole’ days…A moment in time rather than reoccurrences of audacious faith.

I want a new story. One that is 8 days old rather than 8 years old. I want to tell a new story 8 days from now. I want my life to be a series of short stories built on outrageous trust in a God that always provides; always comes through; always blows my mind…if I can redefine “normal”.

What about you? What comes to your mind after watching this video?

Justin kicked off this mini-series the other day with his 5 Things. Today, I want to share with you 5 Things I wish I knew before we got married. We hope these things are helpful to you as you prepare for marriage or as you grow in your marriage.

1. Doing everything the “Right way” in MY marriage won’t fix all the brokenness of my past.

Justin and I got married young. For the most part we grew-up in homes that although were dysfunctional we were loved and our parents loved each other. My parents separated 2 years after I got married and soon after divorced. It rocked the foundation of everything I knew marriage to be. I was naive to the real struggles my parents were facing and had to come to terms with my own brokenness. This fueled a very unhealthy fire in me to do “everything right” in MY marriage so that NOTHING would go wrong.

2. Love is a choice not a feeling.

Have you ever looked at an elderly couple that still hold hands and look upon one another with complete endearment and wonder “how do I get that”? What I have learned is that love is not an emotion but rather a choice. Love is not about choosing each other but rather a daily choice to choose God. When I love Justin through my emotions and feelings alone I am left most of the time disappointed. But when I choose to love God and allow the Holy Spirit to prompt me in how to love Justin amazing intimacy takes place. The crazy kind of love that even in your old age makes you reach out for the hand of your spouse and with just a look communicate “I love you”.

3. Physical intimacy WILL BE CONFUSING!

Regardless if you knew a lot about sex going into your marriage or not its one of the most confusing parts of marriage. Sex is not just about attraction but a deep spiritual connection like nothing on the planet. It is as much as a physical need, as it is a spiritual need so why is it so hard to completely understand? Why is it that one seems to long for sex way more than the other? Why is that one seems to never long for it at all?

I wish I knew before Justin and I got married how a man’s body is designed. That sex is TRULY a physical need and not a selfish request. That sex is just as much about an emotional need as it is a physical need. But mostly I wish I understood the beauty and irreplaceable role sex plays in growing our marriage spiritually.

4. Doing it my way isn’t always the best way.

Justin and I were married for 4 months before I got pregnant with my son Micah. In fact, Micah was born 5 days after our 1-year anniversary. We were learning how to do life as a team of two and before we could figure that out we quickly became a team of 3! We both took claim of different areas of our marriage and decided that MY WAY was the BEST WAY. For us Justin held onto our finances with an iron fist and I was psycho baby momma that made sure Micah was taken care of the right way… MY WAY… at all times.

God has bought us together as a team not as opposing sides. We learned to trust each other and accepted how we each went about daily life. So I may have chosen to change Micah’s diaper sooner than Justin thought too. And maybe I didn’t balance the checkbook in a timely fashion as he did. In the end, those small details don’t matter! What matters is that we know that we are for each other and that we are always assuming the best of each other even when our best looks very different.

5. The difference between TRUST and FEAR.

Our story would lend one to think that I have a right to live in constant fear that Justin will have another affair. Or that Justin should fear that one day I would eventually leave him because of his choices. This type of fearful thinking is so destructive. Fear says that you will not survive the fall out of losing your spouse so live in suspicion so that you can catch him/her when she messes-up.

Trust says…

I am fully aware that in trusting I’m being vulnerable to being hurt (again).

Trust says…

“I am for you” and “I am thinking the best of you”… not the worst.

Trust says…

I’m gong to love my spouse with reckless abandonment just as Jesus did for me when he came as a baby and died on the cross.

Trust says…

I will love my spouse without fear but with hope that the Holy Spirit will guide me as to how to love my spouse.

Trust says…

“God I will love my spouse fearlessly thinking the best of them at all times” and “if my spouse chooses to leave me YOU will never leave me or forsake me.”

What would you add to my list?

What a rich few days it has been talking about forgiveness. I am so thankful to Trisha for her willingness to share so honestly about her journey of forgiveness. She is going to wrap up the series tomorrow with a post on restoration.

A few weeks after the affair, Trisha and I sat in a counseling session. Tension was thick. Hurts ran deep. Restoration wasn’t in sight. Our counselor began to talk to Trish about the process of forgiveness. After a few minutes, Trisha looked at the counselor, then she looked at me, and with tears in her eyes she said, “I know I can forgive you, I just don’t know if I can trust you.”

A common mistake people make is they confuse forgiveness with trust. Forgiveness, according to Scripture should be offered unconditionally. In fact, if there are conditions, then it isn’t forgiveness. But trust has to be earned.

If you have been hurt; betrayed; abused; cheated on; lied to then it is easy to confuse these two things. In fact, so many people that we talk to often feel like they haven’t fully forgiven because their trust hasn’t been restored. Forgiveness is a process, there is no doubt about that, but trust is a prized possession. Once your trust has been broken, it becomes even more valuable.

As someone who has broken ultimate trust in my marriage can I encourage you? Offer forgiveness freely; offer trust slowly.

Healing doesn’t come all at once. When you’ve been hurt, lied to or betrayed your heart is in a vulnerable state. What you want most is what you used to have. What you long for is life before the porn; before the sexting; before the lie; before the cheating; before the Facebook relationship. What you are tempted to do is to equate forgiveness with trust…and when you do that you short-circuit your healing and the one whose broken your trust’s restoration.

If you desire the relationship to be restored, begin to communicate things that will build your trust. Give the person who’s hurt you an opportunity to earn your trust. Don’t withhold forgiveness in this process. Communicate honestly, openly and allow the Holy Spirit to prompt you. What you shouldn’t be is fearful or paranoid…rather wise and discerning.

If you have broken trust in a relationship, it is so easy for you as well to confuse forgiveness with trust. Your feeling is “If you have really forgiven me, then we wouldn’t be having these conversations.” Ask yourself this question, “Has my spouse (friend, sister, daughter) not forgiven me, or do they not trust me?” When you confuse forgiveness with trust you begin to think that you can never do enough to be forgiven.

My guess is that it is much easier for your spouse to forgive you than it is to trust you. Pay the price. Seek to do the little things that will earn trust.

The currency of any relationship is trust. Maybe today your relationship seems bankrupt because you’ve confused trust with forgiveness.

The truth is that in every relationship, forgiveness should be free…but trust has to be earned.

Have you confused forgiveness with trust?