There are some people you just click with when you meet them. Spence is one of those guys for Trisha and me. He has guest posted at RefineUs before, and his post resonated with so many. It was a no brainer for us to ask him to speak into the topic of transitions given his life the last few months. What he has learned during transition may be exactly what God is longing to teach someone today.

Follow Spence on Twitter: @spencesmith

Check out his Blog: http://spencesmith.com

Seven Months And One Huge Transition

Smooth transitions in life are hard to come by. You never know what’s going to happen during a transition but I’m certain a couple things are happening while in transition.

One chapter is ending while another is beginning. All while right in the middle of another chapter in a different book,

Looking back at my recent transition it was both. I never really knew it would be this crazy of a journey when it started.

The Back Story…

Seven months ago, in March of 2011, I got engaged and started the process of moving from 15 years of living in Nashville/Franklin, TN area and 41 years of living in the south to living in Colorado, a state I always wanted to live in since my dad had been taking us skiing as kids.

My transition has come in different stages.

Saying good-bye to my closest friends in Franklin and Nashville at the end of May was tough, but I made the most of any time I had with my friends. Saying good-bye was bitter sweet to say the least but once I got to Colorado, the events that unfolded where some of the most exciting and most difficult months of my life.

Krissy and I immediately got to work on a few things – Me becoming a step-dad, transferring my job, planning and paying for a wedding and putting her house on the market all in the month of June. Our schedules were non-stop and I could barely keep up.

With the kids being out of school and their excitement to have me around, I went from “all the me-time in the world” to finding myself in the bathroom more than usual just to sit for a few minutes to gather myself.

I jokingly say that and I’m thankful for two teenagers who are excited to hang out with me, but trying to work from “home” and do everything we needed to do and whatever the kids wanted to do was really stirring my world up…. And for good reason… My world wasn’t used to having others live that closely in it.

Once July hit, things were leveling out a bit. Plans were coming together, boundaries between work time and family time were becoming more routine and the house was getting shown almost daily.

August came and a huge answer to pray had happened. We had an offer on her house and had found the house we wanted to buy, but as August rolled through we got to the end of the month learning that the buyers for her house had to move out of state. Back to square one.

Original plan had been to move into another home the week of our wedding. But what happened next was clear evidence that God had another plan.

Two weeks before our wedding, Krissy had an emergency appendectomy. Yep… two weeks. We suddenly realized the house plans had been put on hold for this specific reason. Moving into another house, recovering from surgery and a wedding all in the same week would have been a train wreck and I’m pretty sure God knew that.

In September we got married, went on our honeymoon and a week later got another offer on the house. We have since moved into another home and I’m just now starting to feel settled from my move to Colorado… five months later.

Looking Back…

We moved on October 28 and it was that day that I had in my mind to mark it as the end of the transition. It was the day we closed on both homes and moved into the new house.

Sure… I have the learning curve of fatherhood and grafting my way into this family. Not to mention cultivating our marriage.

But there are other things that will still be there to work on and process through. With transition, you never know what will pop up and something always does. It’s the other chapter in another book that is still pages away from its last page.

This unexpected chapter was walking through loss that came at the most unexpected time. While Oct 28 is marked as the end of transition, the loss will still be there and that is something no transition will immediately heal.

Another chapter is one that deals with me finding my way through a family in the Indian culture (My wife is from India). I’m learning all the in’s and out’s of family dynamics through the filter of cultural norms, language, expectation and figuring out how to navigate it all to honor my wife as well as her family and some of the traditions that are deeply ingrained in their cultural up bringing.

Here’s what I’ve learned along the way.

While we have gotten through the transition, I don’t think I do transition well. In fact, who does? I can do life well when I’m settled and in my groove but we never set our sights on living life in the period of transition. Transition is usually short term and meant to have an end so we do whatever we can to get to the end of it. Why?

Because transition is not we consider to be our normal way of life.

The other thing I learned is this.

Prior to this move my relationship with God was not where it should have been at all. I was missing that whole part of about trust, provision and making the right decisions that would impact my future. I really thought I had most things figured out but I didn’t. Other the years I’ve made decisions that I didn’t think needed God’s input or guidance and it has cost me in many ways.

But this too turned around.

I had to make a decision to trust God with my life again.

Like I knew I should.

It doesn’t mean I was getting everything right from then on out. But what it gave me was the ability to recognize that God was working in and around my life in ways that got me… and Krissy… through this long transition.

A big part of the influence came from Krissy and her strong faith in believing God would help us with all the details and speed bumps. Which is exactly what happened and she was a great example for me to see where I needed to step up to the plate.

There’s no doubt that in a time of transition, believing that God is really in control is  hard to do, but worth it when you see the examples of things happening that could have only been worked out through His timing.

But you know what? I know there are people out there trying to get through the longest transition of their lives with no end in sight and I have this piece of advice.

Most… not all… but most of life’s transitions can come to an end when we have decided there needs to be an end.It’s like being happy. Happiness is a choice only you can choose to do and happiness doesn’t come from the actions of others but your own action of deciding to live a life of happiness. No one can do it for you. Thus, we are the only ones to blame when we aren’t happy.

When we decide to come to an end of the transition. We take steps to get there. When we choose happiness, we take steps to get there.

When we decide to trust in God, we take steps to get there.

If you are in transition and you have been there for a long time, let me encourage you to set a goal to work your way out of the transition so you can settle into the life you have waiting for you.

You will know when it’s right for you, but my point it… You have to make the decision to do it.

Thanks Justin and Trisha for letting me ramble on here. This might be the longest post i’ve ever written, but it’s the first time I’ve put the past seven months into words like this.

Question: What steps do you take to work yourself through transition?

Our life has been a constant transition. If you know our story, you know that we have moved more in our 16 years of marriage than most people move in a lifetime. Most of the time, the transition has been something I have chosen and talked Trisha into along the way. Some of those transitions have been God things and some of them have been ego-trips for me. All of those transitions have come with a price.  Some of them have come with a pay off.

We are in a different type of transition these days. We finally feel at home in Nashville. We finally feel content in how God is using us at Cross Point. We finally feel like we are developing community and building friendships. The transition we are facing is not one of our choosing.

We came face to face with this transition on Halloween night. For the past six years we have had a tradition of trick or treating with our boys and then sitting around a fire pit and eating dinner together. Usually it is white chicken chili that we eat together. This year was to be no different. We got the firewood ready. We made chili in anticipation. It was set to be a great night.

That afternoon, Micah texts: my friends are having a party tonight. Can I go? Ten minutes later Elijah texts: my friends are having a party tonight, I’ve got a ride there and home…can I go? What about trick or treating together? (We said to our 15 and 12 year old) So we let the boys enjoy the night with their friends. I took Isaiah around our neighborhood trick or treating while Trisha sat at home around the fire pit by herself, handing out candy. It was pitifully sad.

Our kids are growing up. We usually enjoy this aspect of our lives. But the transition we are making is one we can’t control or slow down. It is happening. We are trying to learn to embrace it and not resent it. We are trying to learn to value the age of our kids rather than wish they were younger. It is hard.

We have asked a few of our friends that are all in different places in life to share their season of transition with you this week. It is going to be a powerful week and we are confident God is going to show up for so many of us this week. Be sure to join us each day as we talk about transitions.

Here is the schedule for the week:

Tuesday: Spence Smith

Wednesday: Lindsey Nobles

Thursday: Wes Howard

Friday: Jenni Clayville

What transition are you facing today? How are you handling it?

The passion that has driven our blog and our ministry is this desire to be proactive to help marriages thrive, not just survive. We know that it is possible, but it has to be intentional. We have spent the past two years sharing the journey that God has used to not just fix our marriage, but recreate it. We have been asked repeatedly if we have any resources that could strategically help couples get from where they are to where they want to be. Up until now the answer was no.

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I learned a lot about this community yesterday.  Here is what I learned: A lot of us guys really want to lead our family spiritually, we just have no clue how to do it. I also realized that I am not alone and I’m not crazy. Spiritual leadership is hard.

I want to say upfront that I don’t have all the answers. I am very much in process and I get this wrong as much as I get it right. I also want to say that as a man and as the spiritual leader of your house, if you choose to engage in this area, it will change the entire climate and culture of your home. I’ve seen it happen in my family and God blows me away with His faithfulness and I lean into His leadership.

Here are some things I’m learning about leading spiritually:

1. Understand that leading is a calling.

If you are a Christ-follower and you are a husband and/or a dad, being a leader spiritually isn’t something you are asked to do, it is something that God has called you to do. That always sounded intimidating to me…until I realized this: God has never called anyone to do anything and not been with them and provided for them along the way. God cares more about your family than you do and yet He called you to lead…how cool is that. He longs to partner with you in that process. When I saw God as a partner in leading my family and not as a disappointed supervisor, it changed everything.

2. Be intentional.

There is a huge difference between good intentions and being intentional. For the first 10 years of my marriage, I had good intentions. I intended to be a good leader. It wasn’t until I became as intentional about leading my family as I am about leading at work that anything changed. For me, this has to do with time. I set aside time to be with my boys. We go to breakfast. I read books with them and discuss the books. (Sometimes the discussion questions at the end of the chapter give us something to talk about that we wouldn’t have otherwise.) My wife and I go on date nights. Nothing good usually happens by accident. We have to choose it.

3. Lead Relationally.

My friend Pete and I were talking the other day about how the greatest leaders we know have an ability to lead through a relationship. You follow them not because they make you follow, but because you have such a deep relationship, you want to follow. This principle applies to our spiritual leadership in our home. We’ve said for years, “Rules without relationship equals rebellion.” As I invest in my relationships with my wife and kids, they follow naturally, not just because I quote some verse of the Bible that says I’m the leader.

4. Be Vulnerable.

Admit when you don’t know the answer. Allow your kids to see you struggle to make a decision. Tell your wife that you don’t know which decision you should make but your greatest desire is to do what is right, not what is easy. When we pretend like we always have it together, we don’t allow our family to see our relationship with God grow and develop. We come off like we don’t need God to lead us because we always know the answer. For me, nothing is further from the truth. Being vulnerable makes you a better leader because it reveals your ultimate dependance on God.

5. Be a Servant.

Nothing earns more credibility for me as a leader with my wife and my boys more than when I serve. It is sad to admit how many opportunities I’ve missed to lead my family because I was unwilling to serve or so disengaged that I didn’t see the need they had to be served. Jesus was the master model of this. It is as we serve that we truly understand what it means to be a leader.

6. Get over it being uncomfortable.

Two nights ago our family had a really rough day. We went out to eat and as we were leaving the parking lot, I put the car in park and turned around and asked for everyone’s hand. I said, “I want to pray.” One of my boys pointed out how awkward it was praying in the middle of a parking lot. I did feel awkward. But I felt God prompt me to pray so I did it…despite it feeling uncomfortable…despite my kids rolling their eyes. It wasn’t a 20 minute prayer it was a 1 minute prayer, but it was listening to God’s voice and obeying, even when it feels uncomfortable.

This is a really long blog post and there are five other things I could say. I’m still learning everyday what spiritual leadership looks like. As the man in your home, as you go, so goes your family. We’re in this together.

What would you add to this list of being an effective leader?

I’ve always wanted to be a leader. From the time I was a kid I admired leadership. I wanted to be a leader at school. I wanted to be a leader on my teams. When I went to college, I learned that God placed a call in my life to be a leader in the Church. All of those leadership roles felt natural. All of those leadership roles were attractive. When Trisha and I got married, I remember hearing something that I had never heard before and it didn’t feel natural and it didn’t seem very attractive. I was told, “You are now the spiritual leader of your family.” Huh? What does that even mean?

As a newly married youth pastor, my leadership role in the church was well defined. There were books to guide me. There were conferences to grow me. There were others who had gone before me that I could watch and emulate. But when it came to leading my family spiritually, I had no clue what it meant; no clue where to start; and no clue where to go for help. Every time “being a spiritual leader of my home” would come up in conversation I would pretend I knew what that person was talking about, but I honestly had no idea. My pretending came to a halt in 2005.

When Trisha and I separated, one of the first things I began to realize was how easy it was for me to lead a growing church and how uncomfortable it was for me to lead my family. It was easy for me to pastor other people, just not my wife and kids. It felt natural to pray with a person after the service, just really awkward to pray with my wife before bed. Because it felt so weird, I just didn’t do it. Because I was so insecure as a spiritual leader, I just ignored that call on my life. I was a horrible spiritual leader.

What I’ve come to realize is a lot of guys struggle with this. Most guys, if we’re honest, aren’t leading ourselves, our wives or our families well. Here are some reasons why I think we struggle with being spiritual leaders:

1. We are unsure of ourselves.

The truth is that most of us are intimidated by the term “spiritual leader.” We are afraid of messing up. We are afraid of getting it wrong. We are afraid of not meeting expectations. We aren’t even sure what expectations of a spiritual leader are. We have convinced ourselves that a good spiritual leader is a perfect spiritual leader and we know we aren’t perfect. Because of our insecurity we become paralyzed and choose not leading over leading imperfectly.

2. We have equated providing with leading.

As guys, most of us think that because we provide for our family, we are leading our family. We say things like, “I am providing you with this house; your mini-van; vacations in the summer; what more do you want from me?” We fail to lead the way that God intends when we equate our role as a provider with our call to be a leader. Providing is part of our job as a leader, but not all of it.

3. We manipulate instead of lead.

Out of our own misconception of leadership and our own insecurity in our ability to lead, we default to manipulate our family instead of authentically lead our family. I did this for years and it wasn’t out of malice. I didn’t realize I was manipulating Trish, I thought I was leading her. The difference lies in this question, “Is this decision what I want or is this decision what God wants?”

4. We’ve never seen it modeled or taught.

Most of our dads were sub par spiritual leaders. 50% of us grew up in homes where our dad wasn’t around or we only saw him every other weekend due to our parents divorce. There weren’t classes on spiritual leadership in college…if there were we wouldn’t have taken it. So we’ve rarely had someone to look to or to ask advice from in this area.

Tomorrow, I’ll share with you what God has taught me and continues to teach me about spiritual leadership. My prayer is that just starting the conversation would grow each of us.

What would you add to this list?

Just a few weeks before the affair began, I found myself with a way out. I had a chance to extinguish the forest fire before it ever started. This choice would have saved my marriage. This would have allowed me to continue being the pastor of our church. I could have saved so many relationships from hurt and destruction. I didn’t take the way out. I didn’t have the courage to confide in a good friend. I kept the temptation of the relationship to myself and the fire quickly consumed everything in its path.

What I have come to realize over the past few years is that my story isn’t just my story. It is all of our stories. There is a fundamental truth about sin in all of our lives and that truth is this: Sin is never slow, it is always in a hurry.

The pace of sin is why no one ever prays about charging up their credit card beyond their ability to pay. It’s why we don’t stop and pray about downloading porn or watching that movie. No one prays about losing their temper and going off on their kids. No one ever takes a day or two to pray about flirting with the guy at the gym. No one pauses at the bar and prays right before the one night stand. No one prays about lying to their spouse and takes a few days to calculate the damage that lying will do to their relationship. No one does a quiet time and talks to God about chatting with their old girlfriend on Facebook. We don’t pray about inappropriate text messages or our excessive gambling.

Why? Sin is always in a hurry. Sin is impulsive. Sin is manipulative. It is always trying to convince you that its consequences are small and its payoff is large. The truth is that it seeks to destroy you and those you love as quickly as possible.

Sin races against logic.

Sin races against conviction.

Sin races against consequences.

Sin races against your faith.

It is never slow, it is always in a hurry.

Sin tries to convince you as quickly as possible that there is only one choice; you deserve it; no one will ever find out; you’re not hurting anyone; you can get away with it; you have needs; it isn’t that big of a deal; she doesn’t love you anyway; it’s only text messages; you’ve gone too far to go back now.

Slow down today. Talk with God. Maybe for the first time in a long time look around. Is there a sin that you’ve allowed more space in your life than you thought?

It isn’t too late. With God, it is never too late.

I’m a sucker for nostalgia. Trisha and I celebrate anniversaries of things that seem small and insignificant. We haven’t always been that way, but over the past 6 years we have learned to look for things to celebrate. We have done the same with traditions. What we have noticed in our life is that traditions don’t just happen, you have to create them. Since our separation, we have done our best to create traditions in our family that can be predictable and will create memories. One of our traditions is that we always go out for Mexican every Sunday after church. It is something that we have done literally for the past six years. One of the things I’ve learned is that traditions don’t have to be fancy or expensive to matter. The texture that traditions have added to our family has been awesome.

As a family, we’ve always participated in Halloween. I know there are a lot of arguments about Halloween among Christians; we don’t argue about it, we just go Trick or Treating. We only have a few years left of our kids dressing up and wanting to go door to door asking for candy. One of the traditions we’ve created is that we always go Trick or Treating with the kids, then we’ll come back to our house and eat White Chicken Chili. We usually sit around a fire pit and just hang out. It has become something that our kids look forward to. It has become something that we treasure.We’ve tried to create a memory around Halloween that goes far beyond just dressing up and asking for candy…it is about great conversation and time together.

Does your family have traditions? What is your favorite tradition?

Over the past few days, Trisha and I have shared two posts encouraging spouses to pursue one another. There is a weird dynamic that takes place in most marriages: most drift to a place of ordinary. We don’t intend to go there; we don’t set out to stop pursuing; it just kinda happens.

In my post, I gave three ways that husbands could pursue their wives.
Trish, shared three ways that wives could pursue their husbands.

Those two blog posts are good examples of a what you can expect with a new resource we are launching in a few months. In January, we are launching a new resource called MentorUs. The goal of each MentorUs email is to give practical, honest advice on how to move from the marriage we have to the marriage we desire. MentorUs is a weekly subscription you sign up to receive that will be delivered to your inbox. In addition to the practical advice of the content each week, there will be a Scripture to study with your spouse, discussion questions to talk about together and suggestions on how to immediately implement the principle discussed. Once per month, Trisha and I will send you a short video with teaching and discussion questions.

Between now and the end of the year, we are discounting by 50% the cost of a year’s subscription. We’d love for you to be a part of this practical, affordable, convenient resource that will equip you to be intentional in your marriage.

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On Tuesday, Justin wrote about the art of pursuing your wife so today I thought I’d tackle the art of pursuing your husband. So often after we get married we lose our tenacity to pursue one another like we did when we were dating. What once was a blissful opportunity to show how much we love our husbands some how becomes an obligation after we are married.

Wives… think about your “To DO List” today. If you’re anything like me “pursing your husband” probably didn’t make the top 5 on your list. I’m already cleaning the house, taking care of the kids and doing the things HE asked of me so why on earth would have to pursue him more? This was my mind set for the first ten years of our marriage. I used being a busy mom of three young boys and my responsibilities at church as an excuse not to take the time to pursue Justin.

Pursuing Justin didn’t carry urgency and most times I would give him my leftovers. It took us being separated for me to recognize that pursuing Justin is foundational to grow in our relationship. If the definition of pursuit is the “act of chasing after something” then the opposite would be drifting. You don’t drift into a healthy marriage.

Drifting means to “wander from a set course” and drifting is what comes naturally. Often times we beat ourselves up over the fact that pursuing our husband doesn’t come naturally and in our defeat choose to do nothing. Pursuing is an act. It’s a choice you make everyday to show your husband that he is worth chasing after.

Here are three ways I pursue Justin…

1. Making myself AVAILABLE for physical intimacy. Husbands are applauding and wives are rolling their eyes. Its ok… I can take it . In all seriousness Justin and I have accepted the reality that his sexual drive is greater than mine. He’s not disappointed in me and I’m not frustrated with him.  Because it’s not first on my list I have to be intentional about pursuing him in a way that makes him feel valued and not an obligation.

2. Physical Intimacy    Just kidding…. But it’s true

2. Daily words of affirmation. If I’m not careful, in a house full of boys it’s easy for me to slip into a pattern of noticing how they don’t do things LIKE ME rather than appreciate that they got the job done. So I have to daily pursue seeing the good and express it with my words. Sometimes just saying “thank you” is all the words he needs but “your hot” will work too

3. Praying for him. When I take the time to pray specifically for Justin often times God will prompt me to do something for him I would never have thought of on my own. Some of my most cherished memories with Justin have come through promptings from God.

Help us out…how do you pursue your husband?

An object in possession seldom retains the same charm that it had in pursuit.” -Pliny the Elder

One of the biggest changes we have made in our marriage over the past 6 years in our pursuit of one another. It isn’t that we intentionally stopped pursuing each other…it just kinda stopped. The thrill of the chase faded. The romance of our relationship went away. Neither of us felt like a priority. We were obligations. No one gets married to be an obligation. What do you do when your marriage doesn’t have the charm it used to have?

Pursue. Start pursuing. If you aren’t pursuing your spouse…something or someone is. Work. Facebook. Friends. A lady at the office. A guy at the gym. A mediocre marriage. Something is pursuing.

Where do you start? Here are three things that have worked for me to pursue Trisha. (Ladies, Trisha will be speaking to you later this week.)

-Write a note. You remember notebook paper? Not an email…a note. Like you did when you were in college. Remember the poems you used to write her? Remember how special she felt when you bought her a card for no reason and wrote a note inside of it? What if you wrote her a note and left it next to the coffee pot before you go to work? What if you put a note on the front seat of her car? What if you stopped on your way home from work and got her a card and gave it to her when you got home?

-Send a text message. Not a picture of yourself without your shirt…a thoughtful text message. For the first 10 years of our marriage, every time Trisha would call me during the work day, I would make her feel like she was interrupting me. I would be short with her on the phone; act like I had more important things to do; or return email or type while she was talking. It was the opposite of pursuit. If you take the time during the day to send your wife a text that tells her that you are thinking about her, the words will probably mean less than the time you took to send it. She will feel pursued.

-Scripture on the mirror. There are times that I feel prompted to share a verse of Scripture with Trisha. One of the things that I have done for a while now is writing the scripture out on her bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker. It takes very little time, but what it communicates to my wife can’t be measured. As you lead your wife spiritually, she will feel pursued by you emotionally.

These are 3 ways that I have learned to pursue my wife…what would you add to the list? Help some brothers out!