Starting on Tuesday, December 28, we will be sharing with you our Top 5 posts of 2010. We are so thankful for you, and the way that so many of you have contributed to RefineUs in 2010.
We will be launching a new blog series the first week of January called “Transitions”.
We are excited about what we think God will do in all of us through this series.
Until then, Happy New Year and enjoy the Top 5 posts of 2010.
There is no doubt that one of my favorite times of year is Christmas. I love everything about it…even the shopping. But most of all, I love the opportunity to worship with my family on Christmas Eve. The world seems to slow down. The pace of my heart begins to align with the heartbeat of God. I love singing Silent Night with my family as we hold candles.
If you live in Nashville, you are invited to join us at one of our four campuses at Cross Point to celebrate Christmas Eve.
I serve at the Bellevue Campus, so our service times are below. But you can find service times for all campuses HERE:
Merry Christmas.
The reason we started blogging in February 2009 was to share our life and our story in hopes of helping others find hope and redemption. We just wanted God’s story told and glory given to Him.
In May 2009 we felt God leading us to start a non-profit ministry, RefineUs Ministries, to better equip people, pastors and the church in the area of marriage and marriage restoration. God again blew us away in how this ministry has grown.
Our commitment when we started the ministry was to keep the blog just that…our blog. There are no strings attached here. Our motivation is to share our hearts without condition.
The truth is our non-profit ministry is growing. Our dreams are expanding. Our vision is clear and we need partners to help us grow this ministry. We don’t want to assume that all of our readers of RefineUs want to invest in our ministry.
But for those of you that would like more information about how you can help us restore hope and renew relationships all over the world we want to give you that opportunity.
If you would like more info about how to partner with us you can download our Year End Letter 2010.
Thank you for making this blog a place where truth is shared; hope is found and redemption is possible.
One of the best things that Trisha and I have done over the past five years is that we have taken time at the end of each year to set goals together. Both of us are pretty driven people. Before our separation, it was natural for us to set goals for ourselves. It was common for us to set goals for our ministry. We didn’t have a problem at all gathering our Leadership Team and setting goals for the church. We knew the importance of setting goals if you wanted to achieve something great.
The sad truth is that we never applied that principle to our marriage. We realized that was a huge mistake and one that we could easily fix. This discipline has changed our relationship in huge ways. We each know where we want to go in a given year and we work together to try to achieve our goals and help the other achieve theirs.
While I won’t bore you with all of our goals, here are a few we have set for 2011:
Personal:
Run ½ Marathon (Trisha and Justin)
Lose 40 pounds (Justin)
Parental:
Take boys to breakfast each Friday (Justin)
Date Night with Mom 1 time per month (Trisha)
Spiritual:
Read through the Bible completely in 2011 (Justin and Trisha)
Pray together 5 times per week (Justin and Trisha)
Financial:
Pay off our last credit card (Justin and Trisha)
Sell our Zionsville House (Justin and Trisha)
RefineUs:
Finish our book (Justin and Trisha)
Raise operating expenses for 2011 (Justin and Trisha)
Marital:
Date night once every two weeks (Justin and Trisha)
One weekend get away without kids that is not a speaking engagement (Justin and Trisha)
We shared with you two goals in each of the areas in which we set goals. We talk through them, we write them down and then we pray over them. We know that we will not accomplish every single goal. But we also know we will accomplish way more than we thought we could by partnering together and with God to pursue our dreams.
There are certain things that take time to improve your marriage. This isn’t one of them. I guarantee that if you will take some time to sit down talk and talk with your spouse about their dreams and aspirations and then write down a few things you desire to accomplish together, your relationship will improve!
On Thursday August 26, 2010, Trisha and I moved for the 13th time. Just typing that makes me cringe. This move was a little different than most of our moves in that we only had 11 days notice. We still own our house in Indy and rent it out. Because of that, we rent here in Nashville. The owner of our previous house wanted to sell, and we couldn’t buy, so we had to move. We had three goals: find a nice neighborhood, in the same school district, for the same money.
God showed up big time. We were able to find a house that met our goals and has exceeded our expectations. We love this house. As Trisha says to me often, “We are never moving again.” We feel at home. But in this process, we have learned something that we wish we would have known 15 years ago.
Transitions are hard on marriages. Our marriage today is completely different than it was before the affair. We are totally different people. Our tone of voice is different; our reactions are different; our patience level is different; our ability to see past small mistakes has improved; we are just different people.
What we noticed is that this transition of moving (again) brought out old behavior patterns. This transition brought out old feelings and exposed some weak areas in our relationship that we had no clue existed.
Transitions change how you interact with God. Transitions change your behavior patterns. Transitions at times change your self-esteem. Transitions pull you out of your comfort zone. Transitions usually expose a part of your heart that needs attention.
Moving is just one example of a life-altering transition.
Each of these transitions affect your relationship with God. Each of them affect your relationships with others. Each of them will affect your marriage.
Trisha and I were talking a few nights ago, as we have had multiple conversations about how to grow through transitions. She said that she wanted to do a blog series on Transitions and openly and honestly talk about how certain transitions have hurt our marriage because we weren’t prepared for it, or didn’t recognize it.
So the first week of January, we are going to launch a two-week blog series on Transitions. With the start of a new year, comes the opportunity to transition to become more of the person God has in mind. We hope this series will be a catalyst for that!
The first week we will be speaking into specific transitions we have gone through and what we have learned. The second week, we will have guests post their thoughts on transitions in their life and how they navigated those transitions.
As we prepare for that series would you help us by leaving a comment that answers this question:
Each Friday for the next 8 weeks we are going to be reposting the series of posts that started this blog. Many of our readers are new to RefineUs and this series will not only allow you to know our story, but maybe find yourself in our story.
How does a husband of 10 years, a father of 3 awesome boys and a pastor of a young and growing church choose to walk in one Sunday afternoon and tell his wife he wants to end it all? How do you get there? What are some of the ingredients to a marriage that hits rock bottom like that? Most of the mistakes we are going to share are in no particular order…but this first one is THE most important thing you can do to protect your marriage. It is simple, but hard. It seems churchy…and cheesy…but is so powerful. It is the most talked about thing, but the most overlooked thing in a “Christian” marriage. I believe if you never read another thing that I write, but correct this one thing, your marriage will change. This was our biggest mistake and this nearly destroyed our marriage…
#1- We rarely prayed together, and the way we prayed for each other was selfish.
How ridiculous is that? Trisha and I are leading a church, helping people find their way back to God, praying for people after the service, praying for people in our small group, praying for marriages of people we are counseling…and yet there was a barrier in our marriage when it came to praying for each other. It is totally embarrassing…but we just didn’t do it. When I did pray for Trisha I would pray in a selfish way that God would change her because she was driving me nuts or making me angry or nagging at me about something.
When we were separated I realized that I was the one that needed to change…even if Trisha never changed, I was desperate for God to change me. What we have learned is that yes our marriage is emotional…yes, our marriage is physical…but more than anything our marriage is a SPIRITUAL relationship and if we don’t take that seriously, the very foundation of our relationship will be eroded little by little.
Here is the truth: If you want to grow in your intimacy with your spouse…if you want your spouse to pursue you again…if you want your spouse to respect you again…if you want your spouse to find you attractive again…if you want your spouse to forgive you again…if you want your spouse to love you again like they loved you when you were first married…pray for God to change you into the person your spouse needs you to be. That is the first part…the second is a little more vulnerable and much more uncomfortable when you first start…and that is to pray out loud together. The quickest way I can gauge Trisha’s heart and know what is bugging her or making her anxious or on her mind is to listen to her pray…it is a spiritual way to know her heart and to align my heart with hers. Let me clear, if you haven’t done this before, this will probably feel weird…but get over it! It is so worth it…and let me promise you that you will relate deeper, you will talk more, you will love more completely through this one act…I guarantee it.
I want to encourage you to not make the same mistake we made. You can improve the quality and depth of your marriage beginning tonight. I would love for you to share your thoughts on this idea of praying with and for each other and how it has played out in your marriage/relationship…
Five years ago today, Trisha and I renewed our vows. It still amazes me when I think about it. She chose me, again. Two months after the affair. Two months after being devastated by my choices. She said “I Do” again.
I didn’t deserve a second chance. I didn’t deserve to stay married. As I sit here and think about it, I still don’t deserve a second chance. I still don’t deserve to be married. I don’t deserve to be back in ministry. I don’t deserve to be a part of this community. That is amazing thing about grace…it offers what we don’t deserve and can’t earn.
Scriptures say, “Whoever has been forgiven of much, loves much.” I didn’t know the capacity I had to love God until I realized that despite my sins, He truly did forgive me. I didn’t know the capacity I had to love Trisha until I experienced the unconditional forgiveness she gave.
When I look at the pictures below, they aren’t about a blog or about a book or about a marriage ministry.
They are simply about a family that is so grateful to God for grace and second chances. That is what we are celebrating today.
On Sunday, I had the opportunity to speak at Cross Point in our Light Series. I spoke on Light being embodied by Grace. I talked about the importance for those of us who have received grace to extend it to others. For years I looked at grace as something that would change the people to whom I gave it. What I’ve realized recently is that grace changes me as I give it.
Here is an excerpt of the message:
The supernatural ability of grace is not just its ability to transform the person you extend it to. The supernatural ability of grace is its ability to transform you, as you extend it.
God calls us to give grace as much for us as for those to which we are called to give it.
Here is the deal today…you will not always feel like doing this. This is a difficult way to live. Not holding a grudge will be difficult. Accepting the unacceptable will not be easy. Overcoming resentment and bitterness will not be popular. There will be times that the last thing you feel like doing is forgiving.
Your husband owes you. Your mom let you down. Your wife broke your trust. Your dad abused you. You will not always feel like giving grace.
Often, extending grace is more about obedience than it is about feelings.
Doesn’t giving grace just excuse their choice to hurt me? Don’t they in a sense just get away with that they’ve done when I give them grace? How can that be fair?
Grace doesn’t excuse their behavior; grace prevents their behavior from hardening your heart.
When I got home, Trisha told me a story of a woman that goes to our church. Every year for the past several years this grace-giving woman has chosen to overcome her feelings and be obedient to something she feels God has called her to do.
A few days before Christmas, she loads her four kids up and drives them several states away. She drops them off at their dad’s house so they can spend Christmas day with their dad, while she stays with her sister. This would be a sacrifice under normal circumstances. But this is grace at a different level.
He had an affair. He left her and married the woman with whom he had the affair. Out of obedience to what she feels God has laid on her heart, she drives her kids all the way to him (them) so her kids can have the memory of Christmas with their father.
Does she feel like it? I’d bet money that she doesn’t. But what she does every time she makes that drive is she disarms the power of resentment and bitterness. She releases the control of someone’s choice to affect her heart. She doesn’t validate his choice, she chooses to not allow his choice to define her and ruin her. She extends grace.
Grace may never change him, but it changes her.
We are about an hour from heading to the hospital for Isaiah’s surgery. He has holes in each of his eardrums that need to be repaired. Three months ago, he had surgery on one of his ears that was unsuccessful, so they have to redo that ear, and then move onto his other ear. We are praying that both ears heal completely.
As I was praying this morning for that healing, God brought to my mind a principle that I often forget: There is pain in healing.
Healing is something we all desire. Healing is something we all pray for. Healing is something God longs to give us, but healing comes with a price.
As a father, it breaks my heart to see my son scared. It breaks my heart to see him hooked up to a bunch of machines and needles and to think about having the doctor cut open his head right above his ear. It breaks my heart to see him struggle to come out of anesthesia, and then feel the pain as the anesthesia wears off. It brings me to tears just typing it.
The truth is, he could survive without this surgery. He could live without going through all that he will go through today. What parent wants to see their 7-year old go through that? He will always have ear infections. He will continue to have loss of hearing that will worsen, as he gets older…but he can survive; he will live without it.
I don’t want my son to survive, I want him to heal. I want him to be whole. I want him to live free from the problems that he has experienced his entire life because of the holes in his ears.
That is what our heavenly Father wants for us. He wants us to be whole. God wants us to live free from the hurts and the brokenness and the heartache that we have experienced our entire life. But often, to find healing, we will have to experience the pain of surgery. We have to allow God to repair those parts of us that continue to prevent us from being whole. But the truth is often that process hurts.
You can by-pass the pain. You can skip the heartache; you can take a shortcut to healing, but you won’t find wholeness. In my own life, I have often stopped short of true healing because I wanted to avoid pain. What I’m reminded of today is that my ability to endure pain in the short term provides me an opportunity to experience wholeness in the long term.
God’s heart breaks as you hurt. Like a father, God doesn’t want to see you in pain. But God often will allow us to go through pain and discomfort because that is the path to healing.
I’ve often asked God to heal me from my pain rather than asking him to heal me through my pain.
I don’t know what your situation looks like. You might be struggling with a hidden sin. You might be hurting because of someone else’s choice. You might be broken because you refuse to allow God to heal you. Can I encourage you today that healing is what we long for and healing is what we need, and wholeness is God’s desire for us, but often those things come with a price. But the pain of healing is so much better than the enduring pain of brokenness.
Just as I’m praying for my son’s surgery, I’m praying for the surgery that God longs to do in you to pave the way to healing.
