Three years ago this month we were asked to share our story publicly for the very first time. The new senior pastor at Traders Point Christian Church, Aaron Brocket wanted to kick off the new year with our story. We said no…it’s not worth the risk. Until we prayed about it. Then we said we would share our story just one time and that would be it. We’d be done. That would be the end of that.

After we shared, the response was overwhelming. Husbands wanting to talk.Wives needing advice. Couples that were broken. We didn’t know what to do. I called my friend Pete and asked his advice. He said, “You should start a blog.” “What is a blog?” I asked. We said no…it isn’t worth the risk. Until we prayed about it. We’d do one blog series, and that would be the end of that.

God started opening doors for us to travel and speak at churches and started using our blog to reach people all over the world. Then we were asked to do a marriage seminar. We said no…a marriage seminar isn’t worth the risk. Until we prayed about it. Okay, we’ll do one marriage seminar, and that would be it.

Over and over again this has been the pattern for the past three years. God opens a door for ministry. We look at our experience; our failures; our limitations; our lack of expertise and we conclude it isn’t worth the risk. Then we pray about it and God reassures us that any risk for His Glory is always worth it. The conferences we speak at; the book we are writing; the marriage coaching we do; all of it is intimidating and we feel unqualified.

I remember sitting at Starbucks here in Nashville over a year ago with Casey Graham. He began to challenge us to take our journey and our experience and put together an online mentoring program that would help couples move from the marriage they have to the marriage they desire. He cast vision to Trisha and me about a weekly subscription that would be intentional and strategic in improving marriages. We said no.

Then a few months later he mentioned it to us again. We said no again.

What if no one is interested? What if what we have to say isn’t helpful? What if we offer this thing and no one signs up? What if it fails? ” It isn’t worth the risk. Then we prayed about it and realized that if it helped just one couple, it would be worth the risk.

We have over 100 people that have signed up for our MentorUs program and I am so glad we took the risk. You can still sign up to join us as well. Trisha and I were talking this weekend and we realized that 2 years ago we didn’t even have 100 people reading our blog…so what an honor to be helping so many couples. I’m so glad we didn’t do what was easy, but chose to trust God even when it was risky.

For those of you that took a risk on us and believed that the story God has written in our life and marriage could be written in your marriage…thank you! To our friend Aaron…thank you. To our friend Pete…thank you. To our friend Casey…thank you.

Maybe today is your day to take a risk. Maybe today you know God is calling you to do something that is outside your comfort zone. But you know it is from Him. To those of you that know God is calling to risk; to trust; to step out in faith; not for your own glory but for His…it is worth the risk.

If you’ve been saying no to the next chapter of your story…pray about it…then take the risk.

We are so excited to be a part of “Velocity 2012″ put on by churchplanters.com. We have been blessed by Shawn and Tricia Lovejoy and their ministry to pastors. We can’t wait to be a a part.  Would love to see you there this February. For more information you can go HERE.  You can get 20% off of your registration by using the code: #velocity12JTDavis. Below is a post we did for their blog yesterday that I thought was pertinent for all of us as we begin the new year.

One of the most consistent enemies I have to my relationship with God is this thing called “control.” Control is my ability to believe that I can lead and guide my life, my marriage, my relationships better than God. Control always makes promises it can never keep. God doesn’t ask me to give up control because of what control will do to Him. God asks me to give up control because of what control does to me. Control will cost you. Here are three costs of control I have seen in my own life.

1. Control will deceive you.

Control will cause us to believe our earthly desires carry a heavenly purpose. God wants me to be happy. God wants me to be successful. God wants me to be comfortable. God wants me to have a bigger house. God wants me to get remarried. God wants me to have a good job. God wants me to be fulfilled. God wants me to be satisfied. It’s not that these things aren’t true; it’s that they aren’t as true as God’s ultimate desire for you. God wants you be holy more than he wants you to be happy. What happens is we begin to justify our decisions based on what we want, not on what God says or desires for us.

It’s why we end up thousands of dollars in debt. Control deceives us. It’s why someone reading this today is considering leaving their spouse for a guy at work. Control is deceiving you. It’s why there is a guy reading this today that has thought about leaving is wife and kids for the old girlfriend he’s talking to on Facebook…control is deceiving you. It’s why people spend 90 hours at work and very little time investing in their family…control deceives them. It’s why the bigger house didn’t make you a better husband. It’s why the nicer car doesn’t make you feel more successful. Control deceives us.

2. Control will exhaust you.

The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous lay out a way of life that is the greatest single vehicle to freedom for addicts of alcohol that this world has ever known.

This is what is interesting to me…in which of the 12 steps does it say, “Now try really hard not to drink.” None of them. The most powerful tool against the most powerful addiction in the world never asks people to decide to stop doing what they have to stop doing. They do not mobilize their will…they surrender their will.

Control will exhaust you. Control will convince you that you have to overcome your problem, your baggage, your wounds. You can behave your way to a better life; a better marriage; a better relationship. Jesus says surrender your life.

I heard Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback Church, say one time, “Most Christians think they become more like Christ by trying, but it actually happens by dying.” Maybe you are just tired today…you are exhausted from trying to control every aspect of your life; your marriage; your career.

3. Control will rob you.

Control will keep you up at night worried. Control will rob you of joy in your relationships. Control will cause you to lose hours, days, years of your life to stress and anxiety. Control will convince you that more money, more possessions, more relationships, more success will give you the life that God created you to have…and control will make you think you are gaining the whole world…while you lose your soul.

What do you need to let go of in 2012?

stew·ard·ship [stoo-erd-ship]

“The responsible overseeing and protection
of something considered worth caring for and preserving.”

2012 how did you get here so fast and where did the past twelve years go?

In the year 2000, Justin and I celebrated five years of marriage. Within those first five years we moved six times, had two baby boys and worked at three different churches. I feel tense just writing that. Needless to say, our marriage struggled through the constant state of change.

Four years and another baby boy later we had finally started to find our rhythm. Parenting newborns and toddlers had become familiar. We began our lives as church planters with nine years of ministry under our belt. Life was good. Life was familiar. Life was becoming manageable.

Looking back on sixteen years it is nothing short of a miracle that we are still married. Yes, I know we talk a lot about the lessons learned through the affair but we had so many other dysfunctional issues that we were clueless to the power they had over our relationship. Hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back at all the mistakes we made makes me wish I could go back in time.

But I can’t

And

You can’t

Over the past several years the week between Christmas and New Year’s we spend some time individually, as a couple and as a family dreaming for the future. We list out attainable goals. This year has been especially hard on me as a mom knowing that some of our family goals include preparing for our oldest to leave for college in just 3 short years. I have thought a lot about the past fifteen years with my boys and wish I could freeze time.

But I can’t

And

You can’t (wait if you can email me!)

As Justin and I finished writing out goals such as, Justin loosing forty pounds, my need to set and stick to office hours and both of us running a half-marathon together, the word that kept coming to mind is Stewardship. As the days with my children continue to quickly pass, both Justin and I want to:

-Steward our time with family, friends and mentors.
-Steward our money to be able to give away more and live on less.
-Steward our influence with hope that more people will experience the love and grace that is found in Jesus.

In each of these areas of our life we want to responsibly oversee and protect all that God has entrusted to us. What is true for me is true for you. We can’t change the past. We can’t stop time. But we can steward the life God has given us right now.

My prayer for you in 2012 is that no matter where you find yourself you will let go of the past and steward your future.

What is one goal you have for 2012?

It is so much easier writing about what used to be than writing about what is.

January 3, 2012…I am four pounds away from my heaviest weight, ever. Just typing that brings up feelings of shame and embarrassment. I’ve written in the past about avoidance being my drug of choice…the past few months I’ve been avoiding the scale. I wanted to lose weight, I really did.

One of my goals for 2011 was to lose 50lbs. In June of last year, I had procrastinated enough, it was time to act. One of the owners of Boost Fitness goes to Cross Point and wanted to help me achieve that goal. He came up to me after one of our services and offered to personally train me. I’ve never had a personal trainer. I went in and they did an assessment of my current physical condition and it was worse than I thought. I wanted to change. I wanted to be different. Jon was committed to helping me. I started going 3 times a week and he was kicking my butt. If you’ve ever seen The Biggest Loser and seen the contestants crying and snotting and sweating…that was me. He killed me. On the off days of Jon’s training I would run 3 miles.

I started dropping weight like crazy. I lost like 28 lbs. in the first 8 weeks. Then I started traveling and life got busy and things came up and I stopped going to the gym. I pulled a hamstring playing basketball so I couldn’t run for a few days. Then a few days became a week and a week became two. I started justifying compromising my diet and would think, “This bowl of cereal won’t cost me that much.” “I’ve lost 28 lbs…I won’t gain it back with this candy bar.”

It was a weird thing…when I stopped working out and stopped meeting Jon at the gym, I started gaining weight. That was so wild! I couldn’t understand…my desire to lose weight was just as strong. I still wanted to lose weight, but my commitment faded. I wanted the benefits of working out, without working out. Life doesn’t work that way does it. That reality came crashing home on Monday of this week when I went back to visit Jon and many of my measurements were worse than they were back in June. Everyone has desire, but what I need more than desire is commitment.

We all desire change, right? It’s why you read blogs; it’s why you go to church; it’s why you pray; it’s why you read books; we all desire change. But so often in our life our commitment to change is much less than our desire to change.

What if your commitment to change started matching your desire to change? If your commitment to change matched your desire to change what would be different about you?

If your commitment to be generous matched your desire to be generous, you would give more. You would write a check. You would give your time.

If your commitment to overcome an addiction matched your desire to overcome an addiction you would admit you are addicted; you would tell someone about your addiction; you would seek help in overcoming that addiction.

If your commitment to be honest matched your desire to be honest you would not just be accountable in your life; you would choose to be transparent. You would have hard conversations. You would tell the truth even when it would be easier to lie.

If your commitment to your marriage matched your desire to have a better marriage, you would invest in your marriage more; you would pursue your wife; you would make time for your husband; you would value your marriage over money or career advancement. You would be intentional and not just have good intentions.

When our commitment to change is less than our desire to change…we won’t change.

I don’t want to lose one more day desiring something that I am not committed to. I don’t want that for you either. Today is the day of commitment. So is tomorrow and the next day and the next.

We have great intentions don’t we? If our life was measured by our intentions we would all be very successful in all aspects of life. We intend to have great marriages. We intend to have deep friendships. We intend to be completely honest. We intend to share all of our heart. We intend to be fully known. What prevents our intentions from being reality?

Fear.

There are three fears that have robbed me of what I have wanted for myself and desired for my marriage and friendships. When any or all of these fears are greater than our intentions to be fully known, intimacy will be always be the casualty. These three fears may be holding you back from having the marriage you want; the relationship with God you want; the friendships you desire.

1. Fear of Being Found Out

When we have something we are hiding, we will never experience intimacy at its greatest level. When we fear being found out we withhold ourselves from those we care about most. Our fear will over take our heart and we will stress out and we will imagine worst case scenarios and we will allow the fear of being found out to do more damage than simply telling the truth.Most of the time trying to hide the truth only leads us to what we fear the most: being found out.

2. Fear of Not Being Loved

Insecurity has robbed me of being fully known in so many relationships. When you allow the fear of not being loved to live in your heart, you are never fully yourself. You are constantly tempted to change who you are to live up to what you perceive others’ expectations to be. You are not happy being you and you feel like you are never appreciated for who you truly are. Fear of not being loved robs you of what you fear losing: Love.

3. Fear of Emotional Pain

There is an equation that we all calculate when pursuing intimacy: If I share this will the pain I experience be worth it in the end. If I share my heart; if I bring this into the light; if I open this can of worms will it be worth it? Those of us that fear emotional pain are great at pretending like things are okay in our life; in our marriage; in a friendship; even when they are not okay. We compromise intimacy by trying to avoid pain and in the end we cause ourselves and others what we fear the most: pain.

Maybe the marriage you want; the friendship you intend to have; the person you intend to be is being held back by one word: Fear.

What you intend to have and the intimacy you desire can be yours…if you will overcome your fears.

Over the last few days we posted our top five viewed posts of 2011. As I was doing the research to determine the top five posts of last year, I was shocked when I saw the single most viewed post of 2011. This post wasn’t even a post that was written in 2011 so I didn’t include it in the top 5.  In fact, this post is almost 2 years old, written in January 2010. But literally thousands of people found this post in 2011 through a Google search.

Seeing this post be the top post wasn’t just shocking, it broke my heart. I know that there were thousands of people in 2011 that were desperate for help; desperate for hope; desperate for direction when they searched and found this post.  I wanted to re-post it today, because January is a tough month for marriage. Over the weekend I received multiple text messages from people looking to help friends that were caught in affairs or admitted affairs.

Trisha wrote this powerful post that we pray will a resource for you or someone you know in 2012. (If you or someone you know is the person that had the affair, here is a post I wrote to help:

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5 Things You Must Do When Your Spouse Has Had an Affair

The pressure of writing this post is a bit overwhelming and my heart is heavy. Not because I think I have all the answers but simply the reality of the broken person who will search for this resource. Remembering that surreal and painful moment of hearing “I’m having an affair.” And now knowing that I may be speaking into your “moment” causes me to stop and pray hard that I don’t mess this up.

As I, write I am reminded that this isn’t about what I’ve done. This post is all about what Christ did for me in my “moment” and how He continues to restore and bring HOPE in what was a very hopeless situation! This post is for YOU the hurting and broken spouse whose world is being turned upside down. I pray my words are encouraging and hope filled as you begin your journey of healing.

1. Grieve!
The Grieving process is a gift from God. As Christians we often feel guilty for being angry, sad or depressed. Knowing your spouse has had an affair is like being told they have died. All that you have thought to be true about your marriage and your spouse is now dead. It is OK to be angry! It is OK to feel depressed! It is OK to feel confused! It is OK to feel hopeless. Just because you feel these emotions it doesn’t change who God is and the love he has for you.

Grieving is the start to the restoration process and maybe not for your marriage but for you as a person and child of God. While it can be unhealthy to get stuck in one of the stages of grief it is essential to grieve and understand that with grieving comes healing!

2. Get Help! You Need Community.
When Justin said “I’m having an affair” it seemed that all my community disappeared. The affair was with my best friend and staff member of our church. The two people I should be able to turn to in a crisis were no longer there. It was SO LONELY. I was confused, tired, disoriented and in desperate need of help. The Lord brought an amazing group of women who despite hurting themselves loved me, embraced me and helped me SURVIVE the next few days and weeks.

I don’t know who this is for you. Pray that God would bring people to mind and trust those people to help you. I know it’s hard. Here I lost the two people closest to me and now had to trust others? Community may not be easy but IT’S A MUST. You need community for the sake of your family, your mental health and for a covering of prayer.

3. Create Boundaries / Create a Plan
I often say that just like with parenting there are general principles we can apply when parenting our children but if you’re a parent you know that each child is different. The same is true for your marriage. Although there are general steps you can take for your marriage, each marriage is different and your boundaries and plan will look different from mine.

Justin was NOT broken at the beginning of his confession! He was cold and made it very clear he was not in love with me and was not coming home. This was MY reality and I needed to create healthy boundaries. I kicked him out of our house. I created a new checking account and took the majority of our money. I had someone help me understand our finances because Justin did everything. I had a couple that helped me connect with Justin to take our boys since I wasn’t speaking to him. The list goes on and on. But with a plan and clear boundaries it gave my boys and I stability when my life was falling apart and time and space to begin to heal.

4. Counseling. Counseling. Counseling.
Let me first say that just because someone is a counselor that doesn’t mean they are good at what they do! Justin and I were so blessed by two amazing counselors Kathy (JD’s counselor) and Dan our marriage counselor. I don’t care if it takes you 5 tries to find a counselor your comfortable with YOU NEED TO GO.

Dan helped me navigate my emotions of the hurtful details Justin would share with me. He gave me tools to know how to grieve in a way that is healthy. He taught me that it was ok to “go after Justin” in sessions and demand the truth. He helped me to see my own junk and brokenness instead of hiding behind Justin’s. He allowed me to be angry but helped me not to become bitter. Each session we had to trust and choose to take ownership and action to step into that path of healing he was helping to provide.

5. Identity Thief / Finding Who You Are
It’s emotional to write this one. Who am I? What do I do from here? What will my family and friends say or do? What will my work do? Will I find a job to support my family? Am I really a single parent now? What if he marries her? How do I tell my kids? How do I walk my kids into school knowing half of our congregation will be there? God why? God what do I do? I worked so hard. I sacrificed so much just for this?

I no longer knew who I was. I hadn’t realized how I used so many other titles such as pastor’s wife, mom and friend to find my identity. The loss of so much brought me to my knees. Yet it allowed me to see that the only identity that matters is who I am in Christ. A loved daughter of the king and in time Jesus would teach me that this is enough.

This video is a reminder to us that God specializes in new beginnings. If you are hoping for a new start in 2012, this video could be for you. It may feel like it’s over, but it’s not over.

Each year during the week between Christmas and New Years we post the Top 5 Posts of the previous year. Today through the end of the year, we will post the top five posts of 2011. We hope you enjoy this short recap of the year and can’t wait to see all that God does at RefineUs in 2012.

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There are so many things that your marriage can survive. You marriage can survive miscommunication. Your marriage can survive busy schedules. Your marriage can overcome conflict with your in-laws. Your marriage can get through sexual brokenness and unforgiveness. But, there are two words that will eventually bring an end to your marriage…if not legally then definitely emotionally.

The two words are…

…IF ONLY…

If only my wife had sex with me more often
If only my husband looked at me like my boss does
If only we had kids
If only we made more money
If only we lived in a bigger house
If only we would have dated longer
If only she took care of herself like the lady at the gym
If only my high school boyfriend and I would have stayed together
If only we hadn’t had kids so young
If only she understood me
If only he listened to me
If only I knew we were soul mates
If only she cooked more or better
If only he could do things around the house

If only causes you to focus on what isn’t rather than on what is. If only allows your mind to fantasize about someone that isn’t your spouse. If only believes the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. If only paralyzes us in the pursuit of our spouse and convinces us that a perfect marriage is competently up to the other person. If only will slowly destroy intimacy and leave you in a place of resentment. If only will trick you into believing that the best days of your marriage are behind you and and not ahead of you.

The best thing you can do for your marriage today is remove “if only” from your mind and heart.

You can’t change the past, but you can prevent the past from destroying your future.

Do you struggle with the thought of “if only”?

Each year during the week between Christmas and New Years we post the Top 5 Posts of the previous year. Today through the end of the year, we will post the top five posts of 2011. We hope you enjoy this short recap of the year and can’t wait to see all that God does at RefineUs in 2012.

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Like everyone else, I was overloaded with Twitter and Facebook updates yesterday reacting to the Casey Anthony not guilty verdict. People were outraged. People were appalled. Christians were blasting the judicial system; the judge and the jury. A lot of Christians were speaking as though they were the judge and jury.

I have not followed the Casey Anthony murder trial very closely. I know that there is some pretty incriminating circumstantial evidence. I know that according to what I’ve seen on TV, the case against her was pretty strong. I know it appears that she is getting away with murder. Based on all I’ve seen, I think she is. It is a scandal.

Everything within me says, “I can’t believe she is getting away with this.”

Then there is another voice in my head that reminds me of all that I have gotten away with. The lies I never got caught in. The lust that no one ever knew about. The hate I never showed outwardly. The jealousy I masked with self-righteousness. The consequences of sin I somehow escaped. But she (allegedly) killed her daughter. That is different than my sin. To me it is…then Jesus equates hating with murder and I know I’m guilty.

It is then that my heart remembers the scandal of my own “not guilty” verdict. When I deserved the death penalty, Jesus took it. When I deserved to pay for my crimes, Jesus stepped in and took my place. Grace doesn’t make what Casey Anthony allegedly did right…nothing would ever make that right.

Grace makes me thankful for God’s injustice…that He doesn’t give me what I deserve. It makes me thankful that I am not called to be the judge or jury, because I am at the center of my own scandal of forgiveness. This verdict is a reminder to me of how outraged most people would be if all of the sins of my life were known and the world was told that Jesus found me not guilty.

What are your thoughts, not only about the trial but about grace?

Each year during the week between Christmas and New Years we post the Top 5 Posts of the previous year. Today through the end of the year, we will post the top five posts of 2011. We hope you enjoy this short recap of the year and can’t wait to see all that God does at RefineUs in 2012.

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There is a litmus test in our marriage that has 100% accurate results. We can tell our marriage is drifting into mediocre when one word is used. As we speak at conferences and spend time coaching couples we hear this same word repeated over and over again. It is a small word, but one that carries the power to keep any marriage mediocre. That word is…… BUT.

• I know I have an anger problem…BUT
• I know I haven’t forgiven him…BUT
• It’s true that I occasionally look at porn…BUT
• I do use sex to manipulate my husband…BUT
• I haven’t been completely honest with my wife…BUT
• I invest more in my job than I do our marriage…BUT
• I am not where I need to be spiritually as a wife…BUT
• Yes, I’m chatting with my old boyfriend on Facebook…BUT
• I am a control freak with our money…BUT
• I make her feel guilty all the time…BUT
• I know I don’t stick to our budget…BUT
• I said I would change…BUT

There is a belief in all of us that we are a better spouse to our spouse than they are to us. That belief may not come to the surface every day, but it is driven out through conflict, hurt or difficult circumstances. That belief is expressed when we identify the role we play in our mediocre marriage and then deflect responsibility off of ourselves and onto our spouse. I know I have this problem, BUT she does this. I know I have this issue, BUT he does this.

We aren’t capable of changing our spouse so we use our spouse’s weaknesses or imperfections to justify our choices, behavior or character flaws. No one wins. You lose because you aren’t allowing God to change you. Your spouse loses because you are constantly keeping score of their mess-ups. Your marriage loses because it stays in a cycle of mediocrity.

Maybe today, you need to kick “but.” You need to identify the areas of your marriage you are trying to shift responsibility off of yourself and onto your spouse. What if you went to your spouse and just owned your brokenness? What if you said to them that you take responsibility for all of your flaws without brining up theirs? That is a game changer. That is you choosing to move beyond mediocre and give your marriage the chance to be extraordinary.

Do you struggle with BUT?