Before we move on to Part 5 of our series tomorrow, I feel like God prompted us to pause and bring clarity to some things Trisha talked about in part 4. Her post last Friday was the most viewed and raised the most questions of anything we have written so far…which is awesome! We want to be faithful to what God might be up to with this subject and share more detailed thoughts and insights.

First, I want to say how proud I am of Trisha for sharing her heart, for being vulnerable and honest about her journey in the area of sexual intimacy in our marriage. The things that she shared reminded me of how far we have come in our relationship, and the hope you can find in the area of sex and intimacy in your own marriage. I feel a little weird writing follow up thoughts to Trisha’s post, but my hope is that you see that these aren’t theories that we are just thinking up. What we are sharing are living and breathing everyday principles in the context of our marriage and family. Sometimes we are successful and sometimes we fail miserably. Hopefully, my male perspective will be helpful and will give you greater insight to the fact that this is still a journey for us as a couple, and as individuals.

I want to answer 3 questions that were asked multiple times by different people as it related to Part 4 of our “8 Things that Restored Our Marriage”.

1. How do you, and/or are you supposed to offer sexual intimacy to your husband even if you don’t feel like it or are not in the mood? As Trisha and I began to rebuild our relationship, we began to discover that, while at all times sex should be mutually offered, many times it is not mutually desired.  I am going to be honest and say that every time we are intimate with one another, it isn’t a soap opera love scene…there aren’t candles being lit and Luther Vandross isn’t always playing on the iPod. It isn’t always a romantic encounter…BUT here is the most important point…it is ALWAYS spiritual. God has designed sexual intimacy to help create and sustain Godly oneness in our relationship. One of the most precious things for me in our marriage now is how in tune my wife is with me through the Holy Spirit. Trisha prays for me…she consistently asks God to help her love me well. My wife isn’t always in the mood when we are intimate, but she is always aware of how much it means to me, and how much I appreciate her offering herself to me in that way. Another thing that I want to say on this subject is that I am honest with her in this area. There have been times that we  haven’t been intimate for a while, and I sense something off in me. I will tell her how I am feeling and that I would appreciate her setting aside some time for us sometime that day. Now…guys, that isn’t a card I play just to get some action…it is a conversation I have with Trisha when I sense that need in my life physically and spiritually. It isn’t something either of us take for granted.

2. After trust was broken, was it hard to restore intimacy physically, mentally and emotionally? This was so difficult. On the one hand, I feel like I shouldn’t be speaking for Trisha in this area, but on the other, I think that God may want to use my perspective to help some of you who may be reading this and struggling. This aspect of our sex life was a struggle to move past for a while…it was tough for Trisha physically, mentally and emotionally…and that made it very tough for me spiritually and emotionally. When she struggled to offer herself to me because of the breach of trust, it flooded my heart with guilt and shame and remorse. We both realized after several months that we were living in the past, each in our own way. Here is the greatest gift that Trisha gave to our marriage when she experienced this: she told me. She was honest about it…she didn’t withhold it from me. Even though she knew it would make me feel guilt for something for which she and God had already forgiven me, she was honest and we talked about it. We went to the dark places of our heart and brought our feelings and hurts into the light. If you are struggling with this aspect of intimacy in your marriage, the greatest thing you can do for your spouse, no matter the heartache, is to talk about it. Fear, shame, guilt and insecurity lose their power when they are brought into the light.

3. How long did it take you to figure all of this out and implement into your relationship? We are still on this journey. There are seasons of our relationship that we are on the same page and we are in tune with one another and we feel like our level of intimacy is high and our sex life is great. Then there are seasons of life that bring uncertainty, and anxiety and busyness and obligation. I feel neglected or Trisha feels misunderstood…and our differences in this area are more noticeable than our desire to be on the same page. We have to choose to start the conversation all over again. We have to choose to remind ourselves of truth. We have to choose oneness in this area, because NONE of us DRIFT toward oneness. The oneness that God desires for you is daily under attack…and as spouses we have to intentionally choose to fight for it. We haven’t arrived yet in this area, but by God’s grace we are moving closer to the destination.

We hope that answering these follow up questions helps put in some further detail the broad concept of sexual intimacy that Trisha talked about in Part 4. This area is so important to God and is so vital to each of our marriages that we didn’t want to move on without sharing with you how these things are lived out in our marriage. We will continue with Restoration Principle #5 tomorrow. We pray God’s richest blessings for you and your spouse in this area of your marriage!

The X Factor – “An unknown or hard-to-define influence; a factor with unknown or unforeseeable consequences.”

I would venture to say that the “X Factor” could easily be changed to the “seX Factor” in most marriages today. Sex seems to be the “unknown or hard-to-define influence” in our marital relationships.  I have had several conversations with women, regardless if they have been married 2 or 20 years, and most question the role sexual intimacy should play in their marriage. We know that men think about sex every 7 seconds, but do we really know why? Women (especially those who grew-up in the church) were taught not to talk about sex or have sex because God said so…end of story. Women hear of men struggling with pornography, lust, masturbation and affairs but most of us are ill equipped to know how to respond and so….

We chalk it up as the “X Factor” in our marriage and that we as women will never fully understand our husband’s sexual desires. We feel confused and ashamed and don’t know why we hate, resent or avoid sex. Worse yet, we do know why and the haunting memories of a bad sexual relationship in our past is too painful to get over. If you’re a guy reading this your probably shouting “you go girl, tell my wife sex is good”. If your a woman your probably saying “umm… duh? This is exactly how I feel so what?” One of the most profound principles we have discovered in our move away from destruction is:

Restoration Principle #4: Sexual intimacy, mutually offered, unleashes God’s full desire for your marriage.

Because Justin and I were not virgins coming into our marriage we thought we could somehow redeem our relationship if WE didn’t have sex before our wedding. I can honestly say we did refrain, but it didn’t fix or create a healthy road for sexual intimacy in future years. We were married for 4 months and I got pregnant. Not only was the area of sex new to me in my relationship with Justin, but being pregnant seemed to complicate things at a whole new level. During the first 10 years of our marriage, I found myself camped in the “I don’t really get you and your sex drive” and/or “you made me mad today so no sex for you”. The pattern went something like this… Justin would want to have sex… I wouldn’t… sometimes I gave in… most times I didn’t. If the baby was asleep, laundry done and the moon was aligned with Jupiter I would even offer it to him first.

Until the affair, I didn’t understand how God created both Justin and me for sexual intimacy. I assumed if he was wanting to go there after I spent the day “giving” to kids, laundry, friends and regular life events then he was just plain SELFISH! At some point in our relationship I permanently camped out in this mindset and found that not only did I not understand sex, I didn’t really care to.

Facts about the seX Factor: When a boy starts puberty his body will create sperm that will transfer to storage sacks that when are at capacity will naturally release from the body. I share this piece of information because this is an innocent process of change. There is no baggage or agenda, just a simple fact of nature. But somehow, what is natural and how God intended has become grossly misunderstood. And many of us have been left confused as to how to respond in our marriage relationship. This was a HUGE hurdle for Justin and I to jump over to really have the sexual intimacy God wanted for us. Men have a true PHYSICAL need for intimacy.

After Justin and I separated, not only was I leery of being friends with him, I was petrified of becoming lovers. I leaned on my old understanding of what I thought sex was while trying deal with the hurt Justin had caused. In the weeks that followed, God totally shattered those old thoughts and gave me a new view of sex. I love the way the Message paraphrases this scripture:

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (The Message) “Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.”

I learned that Justin wasn’t being selfish but had a true physical AND spiritual need that God would use to bring us close in a way that only this type of intimacy could. Justin also learned how my need for intimacy came through the expression of his words and his actions. Grace is freely given but trust is earned! As Justin slowly earned back my trust and I felt that he was repentant and willing to do whatever it took to grow in this area then, and ONLY then, could this journey move forward. We have learned to be on this journey TOGETHER and fight for it to no longer be the X Factor in our marriage but the catalyst for growth and development as a couple. Not only is Justin my best friend, he is my lover.

Our experience in moving from destruction to restoration has come from understanding and embracing this principle. Sexual intimacy is God’s gift to us as husband and wife to protect, satisfy and guard our relationship.

I am pretty sure that this post is going to tick some people off. I am confident that there will be some people that read this next principle and think that I am being legalistic; that I am going to extremes and that I am not in touch with culture. Some of you will read this post and you will say that I just became irrelevant to the world in which we live. Some of you will think…“He isn’t as strong as me, he isn’t as wise as me, he isn’t as _____________ as me. He doesn’t get me.” As tempting as those thoughts are, I hope that you take some time to really think through this principle and how it might play out in your life, because we both believe to take a step away from destruction and toward restoration, this principle is essential.

When Trisha and I were separated, I began to go to counseling and a few weeks later, Trisha joined me. One of the first assignments I was asked to consider and engage in by our counselor was to fast from TV for the duration of our separation. I was confident we could have things put back together in a week or two, so fasting from TV didn’t seem like a big deal. As we have mentioned before, we were separated for two months and God showed up, and used that time to awaken some things in my heart that I had failed to recognize and deal with.

Restoration Principle #3: Without a sold out commitment to purity of heart, our marriages will naturally drift toward destruction.

Philippians 4:8 says “ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”

The truth about me is that I struggled with sexual sins. Those weren’t the only sins that I struggled with, but those were the ones that ultimately destroyed my marriage. Here is what’s wild: I taught this passage on Sunday morning. I quoted this passage to guys I met with that had pornography addictions. I often shared this verse with friends I played basketball with that couldn’t stop cussing. I knew this passage…but didn’t apply it. Well, I guess I applied it to the point that it felt comfortable…but not when it conflicted with CSI Miami, or Grey’s Anatomy, or The Practice. I never quoted it when I was trying to talk Trisha into watching a rated “R” movie that “only has one sex scene that we can fast forward through.” I never broke out this verse as I was walking into the movie theater to watch Wedding Crashers. I knew this verse was truth, but didn’t take seriously the downside of not applying it to my life.

During the time that I fasted from TV, God really broke my heart with this verse.  I spent so much more time in His word than I had probably ever spent, and came to terms with the fact that I was a hypocrite when it came to Philippians 4:8. He showed me how compromise and justification had become second nature. Once I admitted to the struggles I had with pornography and lust, I began to see how some of the things I was filling my mind with were being used by the Enemy to point me and even our family in that direction. I had blown it off and thought I was above it, and honestly, judged people in my church that didn’t watch the shows that I watched or went to the movies that I went to…”they must not be as strong in their faith as I am.”

Wherever sin lives, intimacy dies. That is true in your relationship with God, and it is true in your marriage. But the good news is that wherever intimacy lives, sin dies. I don’t know what this looks like for you…really that is between you and God. But for us, we watch very little network TV. We attend very few movies these days. I guess that is a price that we have chosen to pay…but the payoff is huge. We have shared this principle with couples, and they say… “So, no Office? No How I Met Your Mother? No Grey’s Anatomy?” No…not for us. We feel like being sold out to purity in our thoughts, in our hearts, in our marriage and in our family means saying no to things we know violates this principle.

A few months ago, my 12 year old son had some friends over. They were going to play X-Box 360 for a while then they wanted me to take them to the movies. They started talking about different movies to see, what movies some of them had seen and what was good and what wasn’t. I just began praying that God would give me the wisdom I needed to help my son navigate the situation. Here is the cool part…we have talked so much about this principle of purity and how to protect our hearts…I didn’t have to say anything. My son went to the computer, went to the PluggedIn web site and reviewed all of the movies that were playing. He then told his friends the two or three movies that he would feel comfortable attending…end of discussion. I know it won’t always be that easy…but that is just one instance of “whatever is pure, whatever is holy, whatever is right” paying off in a big, big way.

Maybe there is some unidentified destruction in your heart and marriage because of a lack of purity? I have been there. It is so hard to admit…even harder to deal with and not justify. What would your marriage look like if you really took Philippians 4:8 seriously? How could intimacy grow as sin was put to death in your life and in your marriage? This post won’t win any popularity contests…but it has been and continues to be one of the most essential steps in our move from destruction to restoration.

Trisha and I are on vacation in the Dominican Republic this week, so we won’t be posting every day. But we are launching a new series tonight that is very close to our hearts! 

When we launched our 8 Things that Destroyed Our Marriage series last week, we had no idea what to expect. We felt like God laid the mistakes on our heart to share, and we just prayed that He would use the ways that we messed up our marriage to help other marriages. The response has been beyond our imagination. Thank you for reading, responding, emailing and Twittering us your stories and your encouragement.

For some of you that have followed our series…your heart has been hurting as you have read the mistakes. Maybe you have made the same mistakes in your marriage, but the reality is that your marriage didn’t survive…and the pain or the regret from that relationship has revisited your heart.

Maybe for some, our series was a wake up call to some things that are going on under the surface in your marriage right now. So many people have emailed and told us that Mistake 1 or Mistake 4 or Mistake 8 really hit home. I want you to know that Trisha and I have prayed for you. We have prayed that God would show up and use our mistakes to restore life and love to your marriage. For others, your marriage is in great shape and this was just a good reminder of how to avoid some pretty deep pitfalls.

No matter where you are in your relationship with God and no matter how you would categorize your marital status or condition…God has a laid a few things on my heart to share this morning….

-There is hope! If you are single, married, single again or remarried, our greatest desire is that you will find HOPE for your heart from our story. No matter how bad it was, how hard it is, how lonely you feel, how much regret you have, how many mistakes you have made…if God can restore and redeem our marriage, YOU HAVE HOPE.

-Your identity and your value are NOT defined by your marital status or your marital success/failure. So many times in my life I have allowed things other than God to define my value and be my identity. Both Trisha and I had to come to a place individually that we would be all that God wanted us to be, whether or not we stayed married. God loves you and assigns value to you only because you are His…that is not something that can be earned…it is something that is given, but you have to receive it and choose to live in it.

-It is worth it! I know for many people, reading some of the mistakes we made in our marriage is difficult and the conversations that those mistakes can prompt are hard. But, I want you to know that if you choose to go there, and you choose to identify areas in your marriage where you are not hitting the mark, if you determine to have gut-wrenching conversations…IT WILL be worth it. It will cost you some heartache on the front end, but the intimacy you will experience will be what you always thought married life should be. It is worth it!

We had no idea when we started this thing where it would go. But several people have asked how we moved past the mistakes? How did we restore our marriage? So over the next couple of weeks we are going to be walking through how we moved from Destruction to Restoration.

I know many of you have been through this and I would love your input…how did God restore your marriage? Maybe it wasn’t your marriage that was broken, but a relationship with a parent or sibling that God miraculously healed…please give us your feedback.

We are working through some things that we can identify that moved us from where we were 3 ½ years ago to where we are now. Looking forward to continuing the journey of being refined and restored.

Remember, there is hope! You have value! It is worth it!

I have to be honest and say that I have wrestled with this final post all week. Trisha and I have intentionally saved this final mistake for tonight. I am not a psychologist and I am not a counselor…heck…I am not even a pastor at this point in my life. But here is what I believe with ALL of my heart…every single mistake that we have talked about thus far are simply SYMPTOMS of this final mistake. So often in the church, in our relationships, and in our own personal walk with God it is much easier to treat the symptoms of our problem than to identify and treat the problem itself. This post is as honest and as vulnerable as I can be and I hope it inspires you to fight for this principle in your marriage.

When I graduated Bible College, I had such big dreams for my role in the Kingdom of God. I wanted to be used by God to change the world. I didn’t daydream about getting married, starting a family, moving to a suburb of Indianapolis to launch a church with 12 people that would grow to over 700 people, only to have an affair, and lose everything. When we were charting our future and our plans, that wasn’t something that I envisioned for our future. Who ever envisions their life, their marriage or their ministry going that way? Not recognizing this mistake paved the way for the previous seven mistakes and almost cost me my relationship with God and my relationship with my wife and kids.

#8- I bought into the lie that by withholding truth from my wife I was saving her and my marriage from needless pain.

When Trisha and I began counseling, we went to fix the brokenness caused by the affair. But what I began to see was a pattern of withholding truth from my wife. The affair was what got the attention…it got the headlines…but it was only the outcome of years and years of withholding truth from Trisha. I had so much brokenness in my heart and so much hurt in my past that I had never discussed with her. I experienced sexual abuse as a child, and never talked about it with her. I had an addiction to pornography that I struggled with for 10 years that not only did I not admit, I flat out told her that I didn’t struggle with sexual sins and lustful thoughts like other guys did. I struggled with pride and arrogance…but not those sexual sins.

Here is what I have learned about this principle of withholding truth. You and I were created to be ONE with our spouse. God says that we “will leave our father and our mother and we will become ‘one flesh’”. When you withhold truth from the one that God has ordained in your life for you to be ONE with, there is something that gets fractured in that relationship. I don’t care if the withholding of truth is small or if it is significant, that “oneness” is compromised. What happens is that we learn as married couples to live with the absence of God given “oneness”. We learn to live with the version of oneness that we can create. But for so many couples, distance in our relationship with our spouse becomes the norm and we just resign to the fact that this must be as good as it will ever get. What I want to tell you tonight is that you are buying into a lie that is straight from the pit of hell. We convince ourselves that if we share these dark parts of our heart that we will lose everything, but by not sharing it, we begin to lose everything. That is not how your Heavenly Father longs for your marriage to be…he longs for unity and holiness and oneness.

When we started on this journey 3 ½ years ago, this was a huge step for us. But we have both committed to not withholding anything from one another and for this to work for you it will take a commitment by both you and your spouse. Sometimes it will be painful. It isn’t easy to sit up until 2 AM talking about struggles, fears and past mistakes…it sucks! But we have found it is MUCH more painful to withhold those things from one another and would rather have pain in the short term and intimacy in the long term.

Maybe for you, like me you struggle with being a truth teller. Maybe you have denied your weakness or you haven’t come clean about your addiction or shameful habit. Maybe you haven’t even gone there with your spouse because you are afraid of their answer. Maybe you have withheld a truth from your spouse since the day you met…maybe you had sex with someone in college that you have never told your spouse about…maybe you have charged up the credit cards and you have kept your spouse in the dark about your finances…maybe you have lost your job and it is over at the end of this quarter and you are too ashamed to share that with your spouse…maybe you have feelings for someone in your office…and you think you can handle it.

When we withhold TRUTH from our spouse, as hurtful as we think that truth might be, we forfeit intimacy and oneness. As we come to the close of our blog series, I want to encourage you to trust in the power of God in this area and allow him to restore a level of oneness an intimacy to your relationship that you both crave. It will cost you something now, but what you will gain in the end will be more than you could ask or imagine.

As we come to this post, I am so thankful for my wife sharing her heart in Part 6. Forgiveness and reconciliation are a process, and this has been a 3 year journey to get to where we are today. There have been so many highs and lows, but through it all God has sustained us and hasn’t just improved our marriage, but has totally recreated our marriage. Hopefully, God has used the journey we have been on (and continue to be on) to encourage your heart and refine your marriage.

That brings us to this mistake that almost destroyed our marriage…

#7- We forgot to focus on all of the reasons why we loved each other.

The day after we separated, I went into a counseling appointment not knowing if I wanted to stay married. I will be very honest and say that I was in a dark place. I sat down in the chair and the counselor asked me “Why do you not want to be married to your wife?” With out even thinking I was able to rattle off all of the things that Trisha did that got on my nerves. I had thought and meditated on all of the ways that Trisha made me angry, all of the habits that she had that drove me crazy. After I got done, the counselor looked at me and said “Wow…she sounds awful. I can believe you would fall in love with someone like that. Why did you ever marry her in the first place.?”

When we were dating our spouse, we had an alternative perspective of our differences. We spent most of the time we weren’t with one another thinking about how their differences and their idiosyncrasies would improve our life or make us more complete. We thought about how cute their laugh was or how we loved their carefree attitude and their laid back style. We told them how much we loved how organized they were or how we admired their assertiveness. We loved how close they were to their mom, we admired that they had a desire to succeed in their job. When we were dating we laughed off the clothes that were all over the floor in their closet; we thought it was cute how they were always running 10 minutes late. So much of who they were complimented everything we were not…and that was what caused us to fall in love.

But at some point in our marriage, the very things we fell in love with became the very things that we couldn’t stand about our spouse. The things that we felt like completed us now drive us crazy and cause arguments and resentment. At some point in our marriages, it became much easier to focus on the faults of our spouse, rather than the things that we love about them.

A few days after my first counseling appointment, I went back and the counselor asked me spend some time over the weekend and think of at least fifty things that I love about my wife. I was nervous as I left her office that I wouldn’t be able to think of that many things. I went back to the house where I was staying and began to make a list of the all of the things that I loved about my wife. I realized a couple of things that afternoon:

1. Some things that I had allowed to get on my nerves were the very things that I loved about how God had created her.
2. My depth of love for my wife grew deeper the more I meditated and thought about all of the attributes I loved.

I have talked to so many couples that are struggling in their relationship and they are so quick to list several things that their spouse does that drive them nuts. When I ask, “What do you absolutely adore about your spouse. I know what pisses you off…but what brings you joy?” The predominate response I hear is “Wow…I haven’t thought about that for a long time.”

I make it a point every week to tell my wife the things that I love about her. Sometimes I write them in a note and put that note by the coffee maker. Sometimes I send it in a text message. Sometimes I write it in erasable marker on our mirror. Last Valentine’s Day, I typed up 30 things that I love about Trisha and cut them into strips of paper and put them in a red box for her to read one per day for the next 30 days.

How could your relationship grow and change if you chose to focus on everything you love about your spouse. Maybe the things you dislike would be taken care of because your spouse would feel so loved and so valued that they would desire to value you in return by addressing the habits you have been griping about for years. So often we think that reminding one another how imperfect we are will bring about change. Change comes out of a loving relationship that shows mutual respect and admiration. So allow me to save you a trip to counseling and pass along a homework assignment: Before this weekend is over, sit down and list at least 20 things you love about your spouse. Even if you never share it, I guarantee you that YOU will be changed by doing so…and if you choose to share it, your spouse will be changed too. Happy Valentine’s Day.

One would have to question as we dive into part 6 of 8 how in the world Justin and I made it past #5. What is scary about 1 through 5 is that all of them are or can be very subtle! For me it went something like this: “So what… if Justin prayed for everyone in our small group and their issues but not for me! So what… if I gave my best to changing diapers, cleaning the house and going to bible study but gave Justin leftovers. How important is it really to be on the same team when it comes to whether or not the toilet seat should stay-up or down? How can I champion my own dreams as well as Justin’s when we can’t even dream-up something for supper?” Although all of these patterns can be very hurtful in and of themselves they don’t cause enough pain to bring about change. This mistake caused the pain that almost destroyed our marriage…

#6 Forgiveness – forfeiting our future by not forgiving the past

Some of the stories we have shared over the past couple of days have been our deepest and darkest lows. Lows of behavioral patterns that honestly we didn’t understand or believe could cause such collateral damage. I have cut out so many paragraphs of this blog of thoughts I would like to share. Grace, redemption and forgiveness are so intertwined. But the midst of all of these lows, I would like to focus (at least for today) on my inability to get past the past and truly forgive.

When we had our first son Micah in 1996, Justin was a youth pastor in Ohio. He planned a trip to leave for a youth conference five days after Micah was born and because I was young and naïve I was cool with him going. That is… until Micah was actually born. When he left for the conference I was so angry with him and felt like he abandoned me to be a single mom. In weeks and years to follow, anytime Justin and I would fight I would use past hurts like the one I just shared to make Justin see how wrong he was and how right I am. The scary thing is whether we were fighting about finances or family issues, I usually was right and the proof was in the past.

The reality of our relationship was that I had a fatal heart condition in which I didn’t want to forgive past hurts! I wanted to cling to the past and hold onto my rights of being right and it slowly killed our relationship! No matter what we fought about Justin had messed-up in that area before and would continue to do so for years to come and I made sure he knew it. What a hopeless place for Justin to be. If he knows that I can’t truly forgive him for preaching a sermon the same weekend I was having a baby or not being home for supper when he told me he would be then HOW ON EARTH would I forgive him for something big…like having an affair?

It’s sad to say, but for me all of those years of unhealthy patterns didn’t cause enough pain to bring about change in me. It took Justin having an affair for me to hit rock bottom and for the first time face the reality of losing Justin. So what would I choose? Now more than ever I had the right to be the martyr! I had the right to have a faithful husband…I had the right to be angry! Do see where I am going with this? Not much forgiveness here.

Following Christ through all of this meant one thing…. daily handing over my rights to him. Being bitter and angry would eventually lead to my own demise. (Ephesians 4:26) Sin eventually eats away at you convincing you to stick with your rights! But slowly through prayer, counseling, conversations with trusted friends and Justin, Jesus revealed to me that when I laid down my rights to be right and learn to forgive true healing would take place.

I’m not talking about forgiveness for the sake of reconciliation. I am talking about finding freedom by offering forgiveness that is independent of the person’s condition or response. In other words my forgiveness was not conditional. Instead of needing Justin to be the lover of my soul I found Jesus was. When I laid down my rights and offered forgiveness I was able to see the bigger picture of Justin’s pain and my own heart condition. I found freedom in confessing my own issues, taking ownership of them and forgiving myself for what I contributed to our marriage. I found freedom in forgiving Justin regardless if he chose to stay or leave.

Maybe like me you struggle to forgive the small things….and now those small things have turned into big things. On this Valentine’s Day I pray freedom for you and for your marriage can be found today by choosing to forgive and believing that Jesus knows what it is like to be wronged, yet he chose to offer forgiveness. When we do the same there is a power that is released in our marriage that brings intimacy and oneness in a way that is not created by holding grudges and clinging to the past. This is a process and not a “one time” event, but that process CAN begin today! The past can be the past!

After reading the first four mistakes and knowing that there are four more mistakes coming, one might think “Man, your marriage sucked! No wonder you almost got divorced.” The irony is that we had a good marriage. We had the best marriage we could build. God in his grace and his goodness has shown us where we went wrong and we have allowed Him to change us…and that is the journey we are sharing this week.

This mistake wasn’t in my original 8…but it became so relevant to our lives yesterday, that I felt like God prompted me to include this mistake that almost destroyed our marriage…

#5-When we argued with one another, our objective was to be right (Trisha) or to be at peace (me), rather than to grow closer through our conflict.

We got married the summer before my senior year of college. We were young and in love and somewhat took pride in the fact we never really had a major argument through our time dating. But, man do I remember our first argument…I don’t remember what it was about, but I remember how it ended. Trisha looked at me and said, “I hate you.” Argument over! Whatever the issue was, in that moment, she was right and I was wrong. I never wanted her to feel that way again…so I apologized for whatever I did and we moved on.

As kids came into the picture and ministry responsibilities increased and our life got out of balance, I began to measure the success of our marriage by the absence of conflict. So if we didn’t argue more than we argued, then it was a good week. When conflict arose, I knew that Trisha was probably going to be right; I was probably going to be wrong. I knew the easiest way to move on was to identify why she was mad, try not to make her angrier by saying I thought she was wrong, and just apologize. She would feel better because she was right…I would feel better because there wasn’t conflict.

This pattern got so ridiculous in our relationship that it came to a head on a Saturday night about 6 months before we separated. Trisha was leading worship the next morning and I was speaking (probably on conflict resolution or something)…and we get into this huge argument. After a while, I look up and it is 1:00 AM. I am freaking out. Finally, I just said, “Please just tell me what I need to apologize for so we can go to bed. We can’t lead people closer to God tomorrow if we are like this.” My motivation for resolving our conflict had nothing to do with growing closer to her…nothing to do with becoming more of who God had created us to be…it was the fact that I wanted to stand on a stage with a clear conscious and have people be impressed with who I was pretending to be.

What I have realized is that so often God uses Trisha in my life to hold up a mirror to my soul and expose things in my heart that I wouldn’t see otherwise…and he uses me to do the same for her. When I avoid conflict and when Trisha just pushes to be right, we cheat a refining process that God is doing in our life and in our marriage. Don’t get me wrong…I don’t look forward to fighting with my wife…but when we do disagree and argue…most of the time I recognize it as an opportunity to grow closer through the conflict.

This played out in our life yesterday as Trisha and I got into an argument. We just weren’t seeing things the same way. What was so cool and what brought this mistake to my mind is to see how far God has brought us. Our conversation got intense and each of us voiced our opinion…but we were both going to stay with the discussion for the right reasons…she wasn’t demanding she was right and I wasn’t trying to apologize so the conflict would magically go away. We were both committed to allowing God to work in us through what the other person had to say…and by sticking with it we understood each other’s hearts more in the end.

If you are living your life right now trying to manage your conflict…hoping you don’t argue as much this week as you did last week…I know how miserable that can be. God’s desire is to use the conflict in our marriages to grow us more into the husband and wife he longs for us to be. How do you handle conflict in your marriage? Is there a conversation you could have this week that would allow you to leverage your conflict to become more ONE with your spouse? There is hope…we started with “I hate you.” And look how far we’ve come!