4 Questions to Ask in an Arguement

Conflict is a part of every relationship. What I’ve (Justin) recognized about myself is that most of my relational regrets have conflict attached to them.

I have been in arguments with Trish and have said things that I didn’t mean. I have talked to my kids in a tone of voice that crushes their spirit. I have been right in principle and sinful in delivery. There have been arguments that I knew in my heart I was wrong, but I was so committed to winning, I continued to make my point.

It is easiest for me to be the harshest, the least patient and the most volatile with the people I love the most. The words we say matter. The words we say and how we say them in conflict will stick with others long after the argument is over.

Here are four questions you can ask yourself to change the way you argue: 

1. Is this really that big of a deal?

How great are we at arguing about things that don’t matter? I’ve gotten in huge arguments about such small issues. I’m amazed at how many arguments can lose their intensity if I’ll ask, “Is this really that big of a deal?” Usually the answer is, “No.” At that point, I have to decide if my pride is more important than their heart. That leads into the second question.

2. Do I care more about this person or this issue?

This speaks to value. What do I value most? Do I care more about my wife having time for herself or having dinner ready when I think it should be ready? Do I care more about the money that was spent at Target or the heart of my wife? It is so easy to place value on the issues and lose sight of the person we say we love.

3. Am I trying to be right or do the right thing?

When winning an argument becomes my goal, I’ll be happy when they lose. Conflict is always resolved best when two people win. You can win an argument and lose your husband’s heart. You can win an argument and lose your wife’s respect. You can win an argument and lose a friend’s loyalty. Being right isn’t the same as doing right.

4. Is how I’m reacting reflecting my heart?

Ever give a level 10 response to a level 2 issue? Do you ever scream or cuss or slam doors or walk out of the room talking under your breath? Your reaction doesn’t match your heart? What if you stopped when you’re yelling at your child or screaming at your husband or cussing at your friend and ask, “Is how I’m reacting to this reflecting who I want to be?” Talk about disarming. Talk about attitude shifting.

Here is the deal…you can’t behave your way into better relationships. Better relationships come from a transformed heart. These questions won’t just change your behavior they will begin to help you change your heart toward the people you love the most.