8 Things that Destroyed Our Marriage-Part 1

For most of our marriage I looked to Valentine’s Day to make up for a lot…I wanted Valentine’s Day to put some romance back in our marriage. I wanted Valentine’s Day to make up for how much time I spent at the church and not at home. I thought Valentine’s Day could make up for all the times I said I would be home for dinner and wasn’t... said I would take my day off and didn’t... said I would not put the church first, but did. So tonight, we want to launch a blog-series that will bluntly share with you the mess ups and the mistakes that led to our separation and near divorce 3 1/2  years ago. (If you don’t know our story you can listen to it by clicking the link "Podcast" from the Our Story section.)

How does a husband of 10 years, a father of 3 awesome boys and a pastor of a young and growing church choose to walk in one Sunday afternoon and tell his wife he wants to end it all? How do you get there? What are some of the ingredients to a marriage that hits rock bottom like that? Most of the mistakes we are going to share are in no particular order…but this first one is THE most important thing you can do to protect your marriage. It is simple, but hard. It seems churchy...and cheesy…but is so powerful. It is the most talked about thing, but the most overlooked thing in a “Christian” marriage. I believe if you never read another thing that I write, but correct this one thing, your marriage will change. This was our biggest mistake and this nearly destroyed our marriage…

#1- We rarely prayed together, and the way we prayed for each other was selfish.

How ridiculous is that? Trisha and I are leading a church, helping people find their way back to God, praying for people after the service, praying for people in our small group, praying for marriages of people we are counseling…and yet there was a barrier in our marriage when it came to praying for each other. It is totally embarrassing…but we just didn’t do it. When I did pray for Trisha I would pray in a selfish way that God would change her because she was driving me nuts or making me angry or nagging at me about something.

When we were separated I realized that I was the one that needed to change…even if Trisha never changed, I was desperate for God to change me. What we have learned is that yes our marriage is emotional…yes, our marriage is physical…but more than anything our marriage is a SPIRITUAL relationship and if we don’t take that seriously, the very foundation of our relationship will be eroded little by little. 

Here is the truth: If you want to grow in your intimacy with your spouse…if you want your spouse to pursue you again…if you want your spouse to respect you again…if you want your spouse to find you attractive again…if you want your spouse to forgive you again…if you want your spouse to love you again like they loved you when you were first married…pray for God to change you into the person your spouse needs you to be. That is the first part…the second is a little more vulnerable and much more uncomfortable when you first start…and that is to pray out loud together. The quickest way I can gauge Trisha’s heart and know what is bugging her or making her anxious or on her mind is to listen to her pray…it is a spiritual way to know her heart and to align my heart with hers. Let me clear, if you haven’t done this before, this will probably feel weird…but get over it! It is so worth it…and let me promise you that you will relate deeper, you will talk more, you will love more completely through this one act…I guarantee it. 

I want to encourage you to not make the same mistake we made. You can improve the quality and depth of your marriage beginning tonight. I would love for you to share your thoughts on this idea of praying with and for each other and how it has played out in your marriage/relationship…