8 Things that Destroyed Our Marriage-Part 3

A few weeks ago I had lunch with a good friend of mine. He and his wife had a major argument the night before and he needed to talk. As he began to share what was going on, it was pretty clear that in almost every single area of their relationship, they weren’t on the same page. He felt like she misunderstood everything he said…she felt like he didn’t listen to her opinion or care about what she thought. They would have a few days of peace, and then something would trigger an argument about the same issue that they had argued about 2 weeks ago, and 2 months ago and 2 years ago. He didn’t like how she spent the money, she didn’t like how much money she was given to spend. He didn’t think she respected how hard he worked, she thought he worked way too much and didn’t put their family first. They are 7+ years into their marriage and they have separate checking accounts, separate bills that they pay, separate goals and aspirations…and they are headed for where we ended up…separation…the mistake that they are making is one that nearly destroyed our marriage…

#3-Our marriage put us in the same house but we were not always on the same team.

Let me give you an example of how this played out in one area of our marriage…

Like most married couples, Trisha and I have certain roles in our marriage. One of the things I was responsible for was our budget and paying the bills. Trisha knew how much money I made per pay check and she knew when I got paid…beyond that, I didn’t share much about our finances with her. This was a constant stress in our relationship…she never knew where we stood financially and I always got on her for spending money that we didn’t have. Most of the conversations we would have about money were after she came home from Wal-Mart with groceries or with socks and underwear for the boys. I would go off that she spent money that she didn’t get approved with me…she didn’t know what bills were coming out that week and in my mind she was spending money faster that I could make it (as a pastor you don’t make money very fast). The truth was, I was a horrible money manager. I would justify purchases by using credit cards or 90-days same as cash or put off paying a bill for a month so that we could buy something on an impulse. (I called it creative financing...it is really called stupid debt) She saw me as a control freak and a hypocrite because in her mind, I could spend the money how I saw fit, but would always get on her and question every dime she spent…so she resented me. Here was the reality: I was so ashamed of the financial condition I had put us in, I wanted to keep her in the dark…and I was too proud to ask for help. I thought for sure that if she knew how bad I led our finances, she would lose respect for me. The result was that we were never on the same team financially…we were constantly working against each other, rather than being one as God intended. 

What you and your spouse need is a rock solid belief that no matter what-"we are in this together." The absence of that belief erodes our intimacy and trust with one another. Over time you begin to question if this person really has your best intentions at heart...and that is a downward spiral. What comes next is withholding truth, hiddenness and reoccurring fights that you have no idea how they started or why they started…and you rarely resolve them. When you begin to hold your spouse suspect and question their intentions…that is a huge clue that you are not on the same page and you are not on the same team. When people choose divorce this is termed "irreconcilable differences." But, trust me, your differences can be reconciled...and leveraged to make your relationship even better!

Maybe for you right now, you and your spouse are not a team when it comes to your finances…and there are constant arguments about money. Maybe for you it is your spouse’s career…and they are driven to work longer and earn more, and you feel their decision has caused you to question what is most important to them...and you always argue about it. Maybe you aren’t a team in how you discipline your kids…and you constantly feel like your spouse is undermining your authority or being condescending to you in front of your kids…and you argue in front of your kids about how to parent your kids.

When Trisha and I were separated, she, for the first time saw all of our bills. She realized my lack of leadership in this area…everything was out in the open. When we began to go to counseling, one of the things that we made a commitment to is that in every single thing we are going to assume the best of the other person, and move forward from there. We don’t always get this right...but we are quick to recognize when we are off…and we talk about it and we seek forgiveness and we realign our hearts. This mistake will quickly move you from being married to co-existing in the same house…and you will wake up one day and think, “There has to be more than this.” There is…God calls it ONENESS and it is available. But the price tag is honesty, vulnerability and humility. When you offer those things and assume the best of your spouse, there is a supernatural force working in your relationship to bring about oneness and joy in doses that will blow you away.

Maybe this Valentine’s week you and your spouse live in the same house, but you are not on the same team…choose to take some time this week and talk about it tell your spouse..."no matter what I am in this with you...we are a team." It has totally changed our marriage!