8 Things that Destroyed Our Marriage-Part 4

The picture to the right is from 2005. It was our 10th Anniversary. We spent money we didn't have (see mistake #3) :) and went on a cruise. Don't we look happy? Wouldn't you say from this picture that our marriage was in good shape? Three month later, we imploded. How do you go from a 10 Year anniversary cruise to not sure if there will be an 11th anniversary? A little at a time...and that is what this blog series is about. Identifying little things that put distance between us and our spouse, that over time lead to bigger and more destructive patterns. That cruise in 2005 turned a light onto a mistake that almost destroyed our marriage...

#4-We failed to dream big dreams for our marriage and our family. 

The last day of our cruise, we ended up at a seafood restaurant for lunch before heading to the airport. We sat down to eat, and Trisha started bawling...like someone was hurt bawling. I asked her what was wrong and she just said, "I don't want to go back. This is the first time since we got married that I have had you to myself. It is first time that our life didn't revolve around the church." But we did go back, and we went back to the same patterns and same behavior, that ultimately led to our marriage hitting bottom...3 months later.

Here is the truth...we set goals and we had dreams. We dreamed about launching a new church. We set goals for our weekly attendance and offering. We had dreams about how many people would join a small group. We set goals for how many people we wanted serving in the church. We dreamed about baptisms and child dedications.  We were so busy with life and kids and church and ministry, that we forgot to dream about what our marriage could and should be. We weren't intentional to dream about who our family could be...didn't take time to set goals for where we wanted to be in 5 years as individuals or as a couple. 

It may seem like a little thing, but this one area has transformed our marriage. We all have dreams...we all have aspirations...we all have a sense of destiny and a God-given desire to make our lives count. When we began to go to counseling, I realized that our entire marriage had centered around me and the call that God had placed in my heart. I knew that God had placed a call and a vision in Trisha's heart too and I wanted her to share it. So, one night at Red Lobster, I said to Trisha, "What are your dreams?" She didn't think I was serious...so I said it again. "Our whole marriage has revolved around who I wanted to become...who do you want to become?"  She started to tear up and began to share with me her dreams for our marriage...her dreams for our boys...her heart for our family and goals for her life personally. It was the first time that we had a discussion about her dreams with no strings attached...no wrong answers...no limits. 

What we have realized is that we are dreamers. We love to imagine how God could use us and change us and grow us. Part of our role as spouses is to be used by God to draw out and help complete each others dreams. We sit down and set goals for our family...spiritual goals, financial goals, and even ministry goals. Some we hit, others we don't...but the point is that we know more deeply each others desires, heart and passions. 

When is the last time you have had a conversation like that? What if on Saturday, you went out to dinner with your spouse for Valentine's Day and you said "What are your dreams for our marriage? What are your dreams for your life? Who do you hope to be in five years? How can I help you get there?" Your spouse may be desperate to dream again...and to dream again with you. What a gift you could offer with 4 simple words "What are your dreams?"