8 Things that Destroyed Our Marriage-Part 6

One would have to question as we dive into part 6 of 8 how in the world Justin and I made it past #5. What is scary about 1 through 5 is that all of them are or can be very subtle! For me it went something like this: “So what… if Justin prayed for everyone in our small group and their issues but not for me! So what… if I gave my best to changing diapers, cleaning the house and going to bible study but gave Justin leftovers. How important is it really to be on the same team when it comes to whether or not the toilet seat should stay-up or down? How can I champion my own dreams as well as Justin’s when we can’t even dream-up something for supper?” Although all of these patterns can be very hurtful in and of themselves they don’t cause enough pain to bring about change. This mistake caused the pain that almost destroyed our marriage…

#6 Forgiveness – forfeiting our future by not forgiving the past

Some of the stories we have shared over the past couple of days have been our deepest and darkest lows. Lows of behavioral patterns that honestly we didn’t understand or believe could cause such collateral damage. I have cut out so many paragraphs of this blog of thoughts I would like to share. Grace, redemption and forgiveness are so intertwined. But the midst of all of these lows, I would like to focus (at least for today) on my inability to get past the past and truly forgive.

When we had our first son Micah in 1996, Justin was a youth pastor in Ohio. He planned a trip to leave for a youth conference five days after Micah was born and because I was young and naïve I was cool with him going. That is… until Micah was actually born. When he left for the conference I was so angry with him and felt like he abandoned me to be a single mom. In weeks and years to follow, anytime Justin and I would fight I would use past hurts like the one I just shared to make Justin see how wrong he was and how right I am. The scary thing is whether we were fighting about finances or family issues, I usually was right and the proof was in the past.

The reality of our relationship was that I had a fatal heart condition in which I didn’t want to forgive past hurts! I wanted to cling to the past and hold onto my rights of being right and it slowly killed our relationship! No matter what we fought about Justin had messed-up in that area before and would continue to do so for years to come and I made sure he knew it. What a hopeless place for Justin to be. If he knows that I can’t truly forgive him for preaching a sermon the same weekend I was having a baby or not being home for supper when he told me he would be then HOW ON EARTH would I forgive him for something big…like having an affair?

It’s sad to say, but for me all of those years of unhealthy patterns didn’t cause enough pain to bring about change in me. It took Justin having an affair for me to hit rock bottom and for the first time face the reality of losing Justin. So what would I choose? Now more than ever I had the right to be the martyr! I had the right to have a faithful husband…I had the right to be angry! Do see where I am going with this? Not much forgiveness here.

Following Christ through all of this meant one thing…. daily handing over my rights to him. Being bitter and angry would eventually lead to my own demise. (Ephesians 4:26) Sin eventually eats away at you convincing you to stick with your rights! But slowly through prayer, counseling, conversations with trusted friends and Justin, Jesus revealed to me that when I laid down my rights to be right and learn to forgive true healing would take place.

I’m not talking about forgiveness for the sake of reconciliation. I am talking about finding freedom by offering forgiveness that is independent of the person’s condition or response. In other words my forgiveness was not conditional. Instead of needing Justin to be the lover of my soul I found Jesus was. When I laid down my rights and offered forgiveness I was able to see the bigger picture of Justin’s pain and my own heart condition. I found freedom in confessing my own issues, taking ownership of them and forgiving myself for what I contributed to our marriage. I found freedom in forgiving Justin regardless if he chose to stay or leave.

Maybe like me you struggle to forgive the small things….and now those small things have turned into big things. On this Valentine’s Day I pray freedom for you and for your marriage can be found today by choosing to forgive and believing that Jesus knows what it is like to be wronged, yet he chose to offer forgiveness. When we do the same there is a power that is released in our marriage that brings intimacy and oneness in a way that is not created by holding grudges and clinging to the past. This is a process and not a “one time” event, but that process CAN begin today! The past can be the past!