A Little at a Time

I remember sitting in a Starbucks parking lot in October 2005, killing time before my first counseling session with Trisha since our separation. We had only seen each other once since I confessed the affair. I was nervous. I was hopeful. I didn’t want to mess this up along with everything else I had messed up. As I sat there my phone rang. God had promoted a long time friend of mine to call me at the exact moment I needed to talk to him. He and his wife had been through the same thing and appeared to be on the other side of it. At one point in our conversation he said, “The only advice I have for you is tell the entire truth today…at this counseling session. Do not let it come out a little at a time. I spread the truth out over 20 years and it has slowly killed my marriage. The most important gift you can give Trisha is to tell her the entire truth.”

As he spoke I nodded my head. As he said the words, I knew in my heart that God had made this conversation happen to protect me from making the same mistake my friend had made. An hour later, as I sat next to my wife in counseling, I shared the amount of truth in that moment that I thought she could handle. It would take me 30 days and numerous counseling sessions to finally be honest. We almost didn’t recover.

One of the biggest mistakes we see couples make, not just couples that have experienced infidelity, but all couples is a reluctance to share the entire truth. Somehow we convince ourselves that sharing part of the truth is better for our wife. Not being completely honest will protect our husband. So we give part of the detail. We tell our spouse as much of the truth as we think they can handle. We are saving ourselves from a fight. We are helping them not lose their temper. We are protecting their self-esteem. What we are doing is killing our relationship a little at a time.

Drowning isn’t an instant death. It happens one ounce of water at a time. When we fail to tell the entire truth to our spouse, we put a lid on the capacity that our marriage has to experience intimacy. Over time that lid gets so low, that the distance between us and the one we are supposed to be “one” with is so great that it seems insurmountable.

Truth all at one time can be devastating. Truth all at once will really hurt. Truth all at once brings all the pain to the surface and allows the healing to begin. Withholding truth just continues to re-injure that relationship over and over and over again.

If I can plead with you to do one thing it is this: Tell the stinking truth. It will not be easy. It will be worth it.