Allowing Me to Forgive Myself
Aug 28, 2022Author Lewis Smedes says this in his book The Art of Forgiveness:
When a person asks us to forgive him, he is also asking permission to forgive himself. What he wants is more than freedom from our judgment. He wants freedom from his own. In one sense, we are the only ones on earth who can set him free to free himself.
For about a year after the affair, I lived in shame and guilt and remorse. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about all the damage I caused; all the hurt I inflicted; all the relationships I damaged. I knew in my head that Trisha forgave me, but my heart couldn’t accept it.
Our marriage in many ways was in recovery mode and we were growing in our love for one another. But the daily pain of my decisions ate away at my heart. It affected my view of myself. It affected my relationship with my kids. It affected my relationship with God.
I felt undeserving. I felt unworthy. I felt like I should be unloved.
I can remember standing in the kitchen and breaking down in tears. Trisha said to me, “Grace is only grace if you accept it. I’ve worked so hard to extend it to you, and you aren’t accepting it. I forgive you. I think it is time you forgive yourself.”
Those words were like water to my parched soul. I didn’t think I could ever forgive myself.
If I forgive myself, doesn’t that mean I’m getting away with something?
If I forgive myself, doesn’t that make it seem like I’m not paying for what I’ve done?
If I forgive myself, who will remind me of how much of a screw up I am?
I think shame and regret can be just as much of an enemy to a relationship as resentment and unforgiveness. If one person in a relationship has forgiven, but the other consistently lives as a second class citizen, not feeling worthy to be a part of the other’s life, there is no room for grace to take root.
Maybe the best thing you can do for someone who’s hurt you is to give them permission to forgive themselves. Maybe that is a spouse that walks in shame. Maybe it’s a friend that doesn’t feel worthy. Maybe it’s a family member that can’t get over how much they’ve hurt you.
The relationship feels different. The intimacy you desire doesn’t feel attainable. You are the only person that can set them free to forgive themselves.
If you are the person that messed up, and you consistently live in shame and guilt and you’ve been offered forgiveness…receive it.
Shame isn’t attractive. Guilt isn’t a basis to build intimacy. To quote my beautiful wife, “You’ve been forgiven. I think it’s about time to forgive yourself.”
