Asking Questions

Have you ever gone out to dinner with your spouse and not had anything to talk about? You had been waiting for this date night for weeks…the kids are at your mom’s…the night is yours…but conversation is dead. We’ve been there.

We‘ve been in a restaurant before and I’ve noticed couples that literally sit through the entire meal and don’t say a word to each other. Maybe they prefer it that way, but it seems more to me like co-existing than really connecting.

In just a few weeks, Trisha and I will celebrate our 16^th wedding anniversary. I want to know her and connect with her as much today as I did when we were dating and first married. I believe the key to great conversation is asking questions. I’ve not always done this well, but over the past 6 years, I have been very intentional about it and it makes all the difference in the world. I wanted to share with you five questions that I try to ask Trisha that I hope will help you develop deeper conversations with your spouse.

1. How Can I Pray for You?

Prayer is the most intimate thing we can experience on this earth. Our connection to our Heavenly Father is designed to be personal and intimate. When I ask Trisha how I can pray for her, I am asking her to share with me the most intimate thoughts, feelings, fears, insecurities and anxieties. It is a window to her heart. It fosters great conversation.

2. What’s On Your Mind?

Don’t ask this question if you don’t want to know the answer. One of the things I’ve realized about myself since I started asking questions is how much I need to grow as a listener. When I ask Trisha what is on her mind, she doesn’t need me to fix whatever it is she says. She doesn’t need me to solve a problem or come up with three different solutions that she has never thought of. She just needs me to listen to what is on her mind. When I do that, it is amazing how great our conversation is.

3. What Can I Do Right Now to Help You?

This is a question I ask when there are multiple tasks; multiple schedules; multiple deadlines all competing with one another. My wife is an amazing multi-tasker…me not so much. When she needs help, I’m not the best at figuring out exactly what would help her the most…so I ask. What can I do right now to help you communicates value and it gives me a specific direction to take a load off of her shoulders.

4. How Do You Sense God Leading?

I ask this question when Trisha is at a cross-roads. When she is trying to figure something out financially or relationally or even as a mom…I might just say, “Has God laid anything on your heart as it relates to that decision?” It allows me to lead spiritually without telling her what she should do. It points her in God’s direction and paves the way for further conversation.

5. What Are My Chances Tonight?

This is my favorite of the five questions. Am I getting lucky tonight or not? 🙂 It sets expectations…as we’ve often said here at RefineUs…unspoken expectations will always be unmet expectations. This let’s me know early in the day what my chances of intimacy are. If they are low, I’ve got the rest of the day to increase my chances.

These are just five questions that open the possibility for conversation.

What would you add to the list?