Follow up Thoughts to Part 4

Before we move on to Part 5 of our series tomorrow, I feel like God prompted us to pause and bring clarity to some things Trisha talked about in part 4. Her post last Friday was the most viewed and raised the most questions of anything we have written so far...which is awesome! We want to be faithful to what God might be up to with this subject and share more detailed thoughts and insights.

First, I want to say how proud I am of Trisha for sharing her heart, for being vulnerable and honest about her journey in the area of sexual intimacy in our marriage. The things that she shared reminded me of how far we have come in our relationship, and the hope you can find in the area of sex and intimacy in your own marriage. I feel a little weird writing follow up thoughts to Trisha's post, but my hope is that you see that these aren't theories that we are just thinking up. What we are sharing are living and breathing everyday principles in the context of our marriage and family. Sometimes we are successful and sometimes we fail miserably. Hopefully, my male perspective will be helpful and will give you greater insight to the fact that this is still a journey for us as a couple, and as individuals.

I want to answer 3 questions that were asked multiple times by different people as it related to Part 4 of our "8 Things that Restored Our Marriage".

1. How do you, and/or are you supposed to offer sexual intimacy to your husband even if you don't feel like it or are not in the mood? As Trisha and I began to rebuild our relationship, we began to discover that, while at all times sex should be mutually offered, many times it is not mutually desired.  I am going to be honest and say that every time we are intimate with one another, it isn't a soap opera love scene...there aren't candles being lit and Luther Vandross isn't always playing on the iPod. It isn't always a romantic encounter...BUT here is the most important point...it is ALWAYS spiritual. God has designed sexual intimacy to help create and sustain Godly oneness in our relationship. One of the most precious things for me in our marriage now is how in tune my wife is with me through the Holy Spirit. Trisha prays for me...she consistently asks God to help her love me well. My wife isn't always in the mood when we are intimate, but she is always aware of how much it means to me, and how much I appreciate her offering herself to me in that way. Another thing that I want to say on this subject is that I am honest with her in this area. There have been times that we  haven't been intimate for a while, and I sense something off in me. I will tell her how I am feeling and that I would appreciate her setting aside some time for us sometime that day. Now...guys, that isn't a card I play just to get some action...it is a conversation I have with Trisha when I sense that need in my life physically and spiritually. It isn't something either of us take for granted.
2. After trust was broken, was it hard to restore intimacy physically, mentally and emotionally? This was so difficult. On the one hand, I feel like I shouldn't be speaking for Trisha in this area, but on the other, I think that God may want to use my perspective to help some of you who may be reading this and struggling. This aspect of our sex life was a struggle to move past for a while...it was tough for Trisha physically, mentally and emotionally...and that made it very tough for me spiritually and emotionally. When she struggled to offer herself to me because of the breach of trust, it flooded my heart with guilt and shame and remorse. We both realized after several months that we were living in the past, each in our own way. Here is the greatest gift that Trisha gave to our marriage when she experienced this: she told me. She was honest about it...she didn't withhold it from me. Even though she knew it would make me feel guilt for something for which she and God had already forgiven me, she was honest and we talked about it. We went to the dark places of our heart and brought our feelings and hurts into the light. If you are struggling with this aspect of intimacy in your marriage, the greatest thing you can do for your spouse, no matter the heartache, is to talk about it. Fear, shame, guilt and insecurity lose their power when they are brought into the light.
3. How long did it take you to figure all of this out and implement into your relationship? We are still on this journey. There are seasons of our relationship that we are on the same page and we are in tune with one another and we feel like our level of intimacy is high and our sex life is great. Then there are seasons of life that bring uncertainty, and anxiety and busyness and obligation. I feel neglected or Trisha feels misunderstood...and our differences in this area are more noticeable than our desire to be on the same page. We have to choose to start the conversation all over again. We have to choose to remind ourselves of truth. We have to choose oneness in this area, because NONE of us DRIFT toward oneness. The oneness that God desires for you is daily under attack...and as spouses we have to intentionally choose to fight for it. We haven't arrived yet in this area, but by God's grace we are moving closer to the destination.

We hope that answering these follow up questions helps put in some further detail the broad concept of sexual intimacy that Trisha talked about in Part 4. This area is so important to God and is so vital to each of our marriages that we didn't want to move on without sharing with you how these things are lived out in our marriage. We will continue with Restoration Principle #5 tomorrow. We pray God's richest blessings for you and your spouse in this area of your marriage!