Forgiveness vs Trust

What a rich few days it has been talking about forgiveness. I am so thankful to Trisha for her willingness to share so honestly about her journey of forgiveness. She is going to wrap up the series tomorrow with a post on restoration.

A few weeks after the affair, Trisha and I sat in a counseling session. Tension was thick. Hurts ran deep. Restoration wasn’t in sight. Our counselor began to talk to Trish about the process of forgiveness. After a few minutes, Trisha looked at the counselor, then she looked at me, and with tears in her eyes she said, “I know I can forgive you, I just don’t know if I can trust you.”

A common mistake people make is they confuse forgiveness with trust. Forgiveness, according to Scripture should be offered unconditionally. In fact, if there are conditions, then it isn’t forgiveness. But trust has to be earned.

If you have been hurt; betrayed; abused; cheated on; lied to then it is easy to confuse these two things. In fact, so many people that we talk to often feel like they haven’t fully forgiven because their trust hasn’t been restored. Forgiveness is a process, there is no doubt about that, but trust is a prized possession. Once your trust has been broken, it becomes even more valuable.

As someone who has broken ultimate trust in my marriage can I encourage you? Offer forgiveness freely; offer trust slowly.

Healing doesn’t come all at once. When you’ve been hurt, lied to or betrayed your heart is in a vulnerable state. What you want most is what you used to have. What you long for is life before the porn; before the sexting; before the lie; before the cheating; before the Facebook relationship. What you are tempted to do is to equate forgiveness with trust…and when you do that you short-circuit your healing and the one whose broken your trust’s restoration.

If you desire the relationship to be restored, begin to communicate things that will build your trust. Give the person who’s hurt you an opportunity to earn your trust. Don’t withhold forgiveness in this process. Communicate honestly, openly and allow the Holy Spirit to prompt you. What you shouldn’t be is fearful or paranoid…rather wise and discerning.

If you have broken trust in a relationship, it is so easy for you as well to confuse forgiveness with trust. Your feeling is “If you have really forgiven me, then we wouldn’t be having these conversations.” Ask yourself this question, “Has my spouse (friend, sister, daughter) not forgiven me, or do they not trust me?” When you confuse forgiveness with trust you begin to think that you can never do enough to be forgiven.

My guess is that it is much easier for your spouse to forgive you than it is to trust you. Pay the price. Seek to do the little things that will earn trust.

The currency of any relationship is trust. Maybe today your relationship seems bankrupt because you’ve confused trust with forgiveness.

The truth is that in every relationship, forgiveness should be free…but trust has to be earned.

Have you confused forgiveness with trust?