God will Change You First

Trisha and I meet with and talk to couples all the time. One of the first things they express to us is how much they wish their marriage was different. They wish there was more forgiveness, more communication, more respect, more intimacy, more joy, more time together, more patience, more romance, more prayer, more unity, more of a desire to even work on the marriage.

Today, I want to share a principle with you that goes for all relationships, not just marriage: If you want God to change your relationship(s), you must be willing to allow God to change you first. So often in my life, I long to have God improve a friendship or transform my marriage, or repair my relationship with my dad, or deepen my relationship with my son, and my prayer is “God, please change them. God please change this relationship, help them to see their attitude, their choices, their behavior, their….”

Maybe God is using the marriage you are in or the friendship you are struggling to deepen or the friction you are feeling with your parents, to change you, not them. Am I saying that they don’t have baggage or junk or wrongs that they are bringing into your relationship? No, I am not saying that. I am saying you can’t change them. I am saying you will not be held accountable to God or anyone else for their choices, their behavior, their decisions. But so often we have our eyes so focused on what the other person could do to improve, we lose sight of our blind spots, our dysfunctions, our baggage and our attitudes.

Here is what I know today: if you make a decision to begin praying “God use this marriage or use this relationship to change me into the person you want me to be”, God will answer that prayer. Even if the person you are struggling with NEVER changes, your relationship with them will be better…because you will be better. You will be different. You will be more capable of loving them in the way God desires.

It is so difficult to lay aside your rights, what you are owed, what you deserve, what they need to give you and simply say “God, change me first.” But the long term, soul level change you are looking for and desiring in that relationship is only found as you find soul level change for your life, first, then the relationship will follow.