How to Stay in Love with the One You Love Most

We talk with couples all of the time that are struggling in their marriage. Their love is stale. Their relationship is stagnant. The grass looks greener with someone else.

Each of the couples are different but the phrase they use is pretty much the same, “I’m just not in love with him anymore.” “At some point I just fell out of love with her.”

The biggest reason couples fall out of love: They love their spouse for who they were, not who they are becoming.

The love that caused you to want to get married won’t be enough to carry you through all seasons of marriage.

You can’t love your spouse for who they were, you have to love them for who they are becoming. If you don’t you will eventually fall out of love.

You aren’t the same person at 31 that you were at 21. You aren’t the same husband after two kids than before two kids. You aren’t the same wife after two moves and three job changes as you were before all of those transitions.

Life changes us. When we don’t allow our love to change and grow with our life, we fall out of love.

It is why husbands and wives wake up one day and think, “I don’t even know who I am married to anymore.” It is how you can eventually love someone but not be in love with them.

Here is the beautiful thing about my wife…as I have changed over the past 20 years, her love for me has adapted.She isn’t in love with me for who I used to be, she is in love with me for who I am, and more importantly for who I am becoming.

How do you grow in love? How does love get deeper over time and not stale?  How do you keep yourself from falling out of love with your spouse? Here are some suggestions.

1. Spend time together.

Most couples spend about two hours together per day, including weekends.  One third (33%) of that time is spent watching TV. So if you don’t choose to be intentional about spending time with your spouse, it probably won’t happen. You can’t fall more in love with someone you aren’t spending time with.

2. Ask a lot of questions and listen to their answers.

You get to know someone by asking them questions. As seasons in a marriage change, you need to continue to ask questions. What are you excited about? What are you fearful of? What are your goals for this year? How can I help you accomplish _________? What is your greatest concern right now? How can I pray for you?  As you get to know your spouse more, you’ll be able to love them more deeply.

3. Dream together

Most couples start out their relationship with a lot of hopes and dreams. Over time we stop dreaming and start settling. Dreaming together gives you vision. Dreaming gives you hope that things can and will be different. Dreaming gives you ambition and a direction. It allows love to continue to grow.

4. Don’t hold your spouse hostage to the past. 

If you are going to love for your spouse for who they are and who they are becoming, you can’t keep them hostage to the past. Hoping they were like they used to be will never allow you to love them for who they are now. Freeing them from living in the past is your best chance of a deeper, more grace filled love.