I Met My Dad For the First Time

Closure.

The word itself isn’t that big, just to say it. It is a lot easier to say the word “closure” than it is to obtain it.

Closure is elusive. It is something we all desire but don’t always know how to find. Closure is the nice pretty bow we perceive others have tied around their story.

People read our blog, hear us speak, follow us on Instagram and think we have closure. Our marriage made it. We overcame an affair. We wrote a book. We help others. The perception is Trish and I have a nice bow around our story.

So we get questions…What do you do when the ending isn’t happy? What do you do when the story is still being written and you have no idea if it will turn out good or bad?

How do you find closure then? How can you find closure in the midst of chaos?

That is what I went searching for on Sunday. Closure.

I found out four years ago that my dad wasn’t my biological father. I processed the information of my situation but never sought healing for this wounded part of my heart. I thought if I ignored it long enough, I wouldn’t have to deal with the reality of not meeting or knowing my birth father.

I assumed closure would just naturally happen over time.

Time doesn’t always bring closure.

A few weeks ago, I ran out of time and excuses. I received a phone call letting me know my biological father had terminal brain cancer and only had a few weeks to live. Closure was coming. I would either make the decision to pursue it or the decision would be made for me with my biological father’s death.

On Sunday afternoon, I met my biological father for the first time. 

I really wish I could tell you, now 36 hours removed from that situation that I have closure, but that isn’t the case.

In many ways I have more questions than answers. My heart aches in ways I had no idea it would. I’ve cried and questioned and cried some more. I have never felt so unknown and out of place. The few questions I had going into Sunday have been replaced by 100’s more.

I don’t have the closure I was looking for. There is no pretty little bow to tie around my story.

One thing God is teaching me right now is closure and healing are two different things.

Closure implies the end of something, but God is constantly making all things new.

Healing comes in layers and even though I feel more jacked up than I’ve ever felt, more of my life is exposed before a new-creation making God.

I don’t need closure, because closure means I’m done. I need healing. Healing means God isn’t finished.

For some of you there is no restored marriage. For some of you, your spouse did choose the other person. For some of you, you long to be married, but marriage is not even remotely close. There is no bow to wrap around your story.

Life is hard. Your circumstances are unfair.

Time doesn’t heal wounds, Jesus does.

There is no magic formula to healing…no 5 happy hops to a pretty bow. It’s just one broken layer at a time.

Jesus heals one layer at a time. He’s isn’t asking you to find closure today, but to simply offer him the next layer. Not all of them, just the next one.

Faith in Jesus doesn’t mean life will be easy.

Faith in Jesus means we will have the strength to navigate the not-so-easy days with a Savior that brings healing along the way.