Keeping Score

Over the past couple of weeks Trisha and I have met with a lot of married couples. Some have had train wreck experiences…some have just drifted over time. Some realize they have some serious issues. Some have dysfunction that they aren’t even aware exists. Each of the couples we have met with recently have one thing in common: their list.

You know that list. It is that mental list of all the things your husband does wrong. It is that scorecard you keep so your wife will know how much she owes you. It is that list you have carefully saved and tucked away so you can pull it out at just the right moment in your next argument.

Most married couples I know are scorekeepers. We know the score at all times. We know if we are up or down. We know how to leverage the score for our benefit. We know just the right time to say “SCOREBOARD” to our spouse to shut them down; prove them wrong; end an argument. (Not resolve it, just end it.)

A few days ago I met with a couple that are professional scorekeepers. From the day they got married they’ve kept a running log of offenses, mistakes and hurt feelings. They counter-attacked one another with precision. They each had their list. They each had their point to make. They were each right, and the score didn’t lie.

I left that meeting and was reminded of Trisha and my ability to keep score. We were just like this couple…for years.

But then I thought of a better way to experience marriage:

What if we redefined score-keeping? What if we continued to keep score in our marriages but we kept our own score?

What if I kept track of how many times I messed up?

What if I made a mental note of how many times I broke a promise?

What if I kept track how many times Trisha has been right and I’ve been wrong?

What if I had a running total of the many times I’ve said hurtful words; had a bad attitude; been hateful in my response; been insensitive; acted rudely; not said I’m sorry?

What if I spent as much time and as much energy keeping score of my mistakes as I did my wife’s?

Maybe I wouldn’t point to the scoreboard as much…and I’d be more grateful for a wife that puts up with my mistakes.

Maybe I would be reminded of 1 Corinthians 13:5-Love keeps no record of wrongs…and be thankful for grace.

Do you struggle with keeping score?