My Wasted Life
Aug 28, 2022I wonder how much of my (Justin) life I’ve wasted being insecure? For the first 32 years of my life, I am not sure there was another dysfunction that drove my life more than insecurity. I got cut from the basketball team in 7th and 8th grade, and from that point forward, I always worried I wouldn’t be good enough.
Everyone deals with insecurity differently. I dealt with it by pretending to be better than I really was. I acted like I was closer to God than I really was. I dressed like I had more money than I really had. I spoke with more confidence than I really had. I portrayed that I was a better husband than I really was. Most people would tell me that I struggled with pride, but it was a false pride, born out of insecurity.
How much of my life have I wasted worried about what others thought of me? I can remember speaking on a Sunday morning, and not getting as many compliments as I needed, so I’d go and ask people if they thought it was good. I have bought things I couldn’t afford to impress people I didn’t even like. I’ve said things that weren’t true to cause someone to think I was more important, or more gifted or wiser than I really am. I’ve worried myself sick over what someone thought of clothes that I wore or a comment that I made or a message I preached.
I remember getting a phone call in 2005 from one of the elders at our church telling me that an email was going out to our entire distribution list informing them of the affair. In that moment, the jig was up…the dog and pony show was over; the façade was shattered. Everyone would know I was a fake. Everyone would know I was a failure. Everyone would know I was a hypocrite. There was no more hiding, everyone would know.
That day was the death of me…the false me…the insecure me. That day I realized all I had was Christ. All I had was grace.
Insecurity will put you in a prison of second guessing. It will infiltrate your friendships. It will erode the intimacy of your marriage. Insecurity will convince you that you aren’t good enough so you better pretend to be better than you really are, and in that moment the YOU that God longs for you to be is lost.
