Not Proving It

We spent most of the first ten years of our marriage walking on eggshells. Careful not to say something that would start an argument. Trying to make sure I jumped through the right hoops so that I could prove what a good husband I was. Trisha nervous about spending money or burning dinner or the house not being clean enough. Our goal was conflict avoidance.

We are such different people now, that I rarely think about those days. But last week, I was reminded of our eggshell walking days. Trisha and I were talking on the phone when I was in California. It was in that moment I realized a freedom that I hadn’t noticed before.

In the past, anytime I traveled I felt guilty. I felt like I had to prove to her how thankful I was that I was on a church trip. I had to prove how grateful I was that she was home with the kids. I had to not share with her if I had a great day or heard a great speaker or experienced God at a conference I was attending. I always knew I had a lot to prove, as Trisha would make me prove it.

I would get home and she would have to prove to me how hard she worked. She would prove to me how much she deserved a break from the kids. She would have to keep score so I would know how little sleep she got or how out of control the boys were or how much money she saved grocery shopping. She knew she had a lot to prove, as I would make her prove it.

Last week as I traveled, I didn’t walk on eggshells. Trisha wasn’t holding me hostage for being away from home. She wasn’t heaping guilt for the boys schedule or the dog not sleeping or the homework she had to help them complete.

I realized:

• I don’t have to prove I’m thankful

• I don’t have to prove I deserve this

• I don’t have to prove how much I miss her and the boys

That feeling changed everything. I didn’t walk around worried about coming home. I didn’t worry about getting a guilt trip for being gone. I didn’t think “I’m going to have to make this up to her.” There was such freedom in that.

Even though I wasn’t home, Trisha knew that I would rather be with her than anywhere else, and that made the difference.

What if your wife didn’t have to prove herself to you? How much could that change your relationship? What if your husband wasn’t always walking on eggshells worried about the guilt trip you have planned for him? How could that change your relationship?

What if the person you love the most was fully trusted by you and didn’t have to prove themselves?

That could be a game changer…it has been for us.

Do you struggle with making your spouse prove themselves?