Sex Beyond Valentines Day

Happy Valentine’s Day. Today is a big day for most couples. It’s the day of love. The day of romance. The one day we set aside to prioritize the most important relationship in our life.

Because today is the day of romance and desire, we want to talk about sex.

Most couples struggle in the area of sexual intimacy. For many couples, one of the greatest areas of conflict, disappointment and unmet expectations is in the area of sex. For as much as we talk about sex, hear about sex, have sexually driven commercials and TV shows, romanticize about sex and read about sex, we aren’t very good at experiencing sexual intimacy.

Before Trish and I separated in 2005, sexual intimacy was a huge area of conflict for us.

I wanted it, she didn’t.

She usually won.

We would go days, weeks, sometimes a few months without having sex. But there were certain days I knew sexual intimacy was not only possible, it was probable.

New Year’s Eve…possible.

My birthday…slam dunk. Even if she didn’t want to, she would offer.

Valentine’s Day was a day I knew I could anticipate the probability of sex because it was the romantic thing to do.

The odds are, as you celebrate Valentine’s Day, sex will be probable for you. But how do you improve your sex life beyond Valentine’s Day? Here are a few things you must have to improve sex in your marriage.

Honesty

The word intimacy means “to be fully known.” For years I lived not being fully honest with Trish, and wondered why there wasn’t a romantic connection in our relationship. When we aren’t fully honest with one another, when we keep secrets, withhold feelings, distort the truth or lie to our spouse, we are breaking the intimacy God designed us to experience. On the other hand, when we are completely honest and transparent, it is uncomfortable for sure, but it creates a spiritual and emotional connection that increases our desire to be together sexually. Are you fully known by your spouse?

Availability 

You won’t have sex with your spouse if you aren’t available. Rocket science, I know. This is something we are struggling with right now. As the book has released and our travel schedule has picked up, our kids lives haven’t slowed down, and our availability to one another has been significantly reduced. I’m not just talking about being in the same room…I’m talking about being fully present with one another. If you aren’t available to your spouse, the desire for sexual intimacy will not be strong. Are you available…truly available to your spouse?

Intentionality

Nothing great happens by accident. You have to be intentional. That is why today is a day many couples will have sex. There was intention to finding a babysitter. There were dinner reservations made. Flowers were bought; chocolates will be given; lingerie was purchased and will be worn. At least one day a year we are intentional about being romantic. If you are dissatisfied with sexual intimacy in your marriage…be intentional. Choose to change something beyond Valentine’s Day. As we intentionally pursue our spouse, our spouses desire for us increases. Are you intentionally pursuing your spouse?

We don’t always get this right. Just because you know something doesn’t mean you always choose it. But these three truths recenter us. They remind us that God’s desire for our marriage is for us to have sexual fulfillment and enjoyment. Honestly, that is both Trish and my desire as well. It is possible.

You can have a great sex life, even after Valentine’s Day.