Sexual Abuse and Marriage Part 2

Yesterday, we talked about the effects of sexual abuse in the context of marriage. It is my belief that men and women who have been sexually abused are broken beyond their own ability to fix themselves. And rather than talking about it and seeking help, we feel shameful, we feel alone, we feel embarrassed, so we lock that broken part of our heart away, and think if we ignore it, then it will go away. But it doesn’t…it begins to affect every aspect of our relational life. (whether we realize it or not)

The truth is that we are deeply flawed. Not by our own choosing, but through someone else’s choice. We have been drastically broken and we bring that into our relationships and marriages and we seldom talk about it…and we bring that every week into Church….and in my opinion The Church doesn’t talk about it either.

Statistically speaking, 1 out of every 3 women in the pew on a Sunday morning has been sexually abused. Statistically speaking, 1 out of every 7 men in every row of every church in this country has been sexually abused. Statically speaking, 1 out of every 7 male pastors in this country has been sexually abused…1 out of 3 female pastors. We sit in silence on this issue. We sit in denial on this issue. We sit in shame on this issue…even in The Church. So most Christians come to Church every week and yet never find true wholeness and true freedom that the Bible offers…that Jesus offers.

Why?

I can only answer out of my own experience. Having been a pastor for 15 years, carrying the weight of this in my own life, here are some reasons why I think The Church doesn’t address sexual abuse:

-Pastors are so broken and most live in such hiding that looking at something like sexual abuse would force them to go to some undesirable places in their own heart. I was scared to admit struggle. I was scared to admit sin. I was scared to admit weakness or insecurity for the first 10 years in ministry. I’ve found that a lot of pastors struggle with living to please other people, living to gain acceptance from others and fighting to be perceived as an authority. Admitting sexual abuse or deciding to take on something as heavy as sexual abuse could be costly.

-Sexual abuse and the ramifications of it go beyond my ability as a pastor to fix. A 30 minute sermon won’t fix you if you’ve been sexually abused. If God can’t fix it and put a bow on it in 30 minutes or in the context of a Sunday morning service, then it doesn’t make sense to go there. So people show up in Churches each weekend and we cover surface level issues that improve their life, but don’t mend their heart.  We treat symptoms of their problems, but aren’t sure we want to get that messy to deal with the problem itself. We like it safe, tame and predictable in our Churches.

These are just a few reasons that I, as a pastor, avoided topics like this. These aren’t meant to be a reflection of any other pastor or any other ministry. They are really just a reflection of my own broken heart.

My dream now is to use the experience I’ve had and the platform God has given me to be an agent of change in The Church in this area!

I’d like to open up the discussion by not listing all the problems with The Church in this area, but by offering solutions for The Church in this area.

How can The Church more effectively offer hope and healing to people who have been sexually abused?