The Road to Healing

On Monday I wrote that there have been many different types of transitions that Justin and I have experienced over the past 17 years together. Some transitions were self-inflicted some inflicted by others. Knowing the topics of transitions our friends will be covering next week I thought I would tackle a transition I don’t often write about.

In the summer of ’97 I had the privilege of going to Florida with Justin’s family. Because of Justin’s work schedule he was not able to come along. As I returned from my trip I expected Justin to greet me with an amazing hug and kiss but I knew by the look on his face that something was terribly wrong.

He asked me to sit down and proceeded to tell me that he had just spoken with my mom. My mind went a hundred different directions and for a brief second I felt my body go deaf and numb. I did not want to hear what he had to say.

Before I finish the rest of that story it’s important for you to know a little background about me. When my mom was in eighth grade her dad died of a heart attack. Two years later her mom died of breast cancer. Knowing this, I constantly struggled with the thought of losing my parents. To make matters worse by the time I was 18 I had experienced 5 funerals of loved ones who tragically died. My first death was a dear friend who shot himself in the head and his family decided to have an open casket funeral. The last death was my sweet friend and sister Tricia who came to live with us and was adopted into our family (we were the same the age). DEATH marked me at a young age.

So there I was deaf and numb struggling not to hear the words Justin was abut to say. I knew someone I loved had died but what he proceeded to tell me I NEVER expected: “Your dad is having an affair” I looked at him with relief. Me: “Oh… You must be wrong Justin… My parents have been married for 25 years! They love Jesus and each other. You HAVE to be wrong!” but he wasn’t.

I think in that moment it would have been easier to handle if one of them had died. Why? Because death would have meant that they didn’t choose to leave. An affair and an eventual divorce clearly shouted, “You, your brother, your sister and yes your mother are not worth fighting for”.

I was so young in my age and in my marriage that I didn’t realize how much of a transition this would be for me. It was the death of my parents in a way I had never thought of or feared. This death striped me from the foundation I had built my life on… TRUST. I trusted my dad was who he said he was. Even worse I trusted that the transformational work I saw God do in my dad was real! It was a death that would take me years to accept, grieve and heal.

I would love to wrap this post up with five ways I’ve learned to trust but I can’t. I’m still on the road to healing. The past 18 months have brought about significant transitions where my trust has been broken. It has exposed parts of me I thought were healed but that are really only covered with band-aides.

Although it’s been long journey here is the beautiful truth:

GOD IS ALWAYS TRUSTWORTHY…ALWAYS!!!

Hebrews 10:23-24 (New Living Translation)

Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.

Hebrews 6:17-19 (New Living Translation)
 

God also bound himself with an oath, so that those who received the promise could be perfectly sure that he would never change his mind. So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary.

Regardless of how my trust has been broken He is teaching me “ways to motivate” me “to acts of love and good works”. I don’t understand it or often times even want to agree with it but each time I choose to lean into Him through prayer and reading the Bible I grow a little bit more in my understanding of what it means to trust Him and others. The death of my parent’s marriage allowed my false sense of trust in them to now be rooted where it was always meant to be…HIM