The WHY is So Important
Aug 28, 2022Understanding WHY is imperative. One of the things we’ve learned over the past few years is that WHY we do things in our marriage matters more than WHAT we do.
There have been so many times in our marriage that I did something simply to get Trisha off my back. My motivation wasn’t one of love and service, it was to avoid a fight; it was to minimize conflict; it was to pacify her so I could throw it up to her later.
Doing the dishes; mowing the yard; even talking to her on the phone while I was at the office was done with a sense of obligation, and sometimes with a sense of manipulation.
From Trisha’s standpoint, there have been many times things were done out of duty and not out of love. Laundry has been folded. Meals have been cooked. Sex has been offered. House has been cleaned…many times out of obligation.
I haven’t stopped with obligation, I’ve been guilty of manipulation as well. If I help clean the house tonight then I can go to the game on Friday night and not feel guilty. If I do the dishes then maybe we can be intimate. From Trisha’s standpoint, if I offer sex then maybe he won’t bother me about it for a while.
Our motivation for serving one another in marriage is huge. When we do something for our spouse out of obligation, guilt, fear, or to manipulate, what happens over time is resentment builds.
All of a sudden, you resent your wife when you mow the yard, because she doesn’t respect how hard you work all day. You resent your husband when he comes home and sits on the couch because he doesn’t appreciate all you do around the house. You resent your wife because when you do something for her, she doesn’t reciprocate with sexual intimacy. You resent your husband because he only does something nice for you when he wants to have sex.
There is a cycle that is created in a marriage that we often don’t recognize. Our need is to control our spouse. Our need is to get our way. Our need is to let the other person know just how much we bring to this marriage and how thankful they should be for us.
I constantly have to remind myself to check my motives. WHY am I doing this? Why am I cleaning out the car? Is it out of love and service to Trisha; or is it because I want something in return?
When we serve our spouse expecting something in return, we set ourselves up for disappointment and we plant the seed of resentment.
Maybe today you have anger toward your spouse and you can’t figure it out. Your fuse is short, and it takes very little for you to lose your temper. Maybe you haven’t asked WHY. WHY do you do the things you do? Maybe its out of fear or guilt or control…but it isn’t purely out of love, it will breed disappointment and resentment.
